第七十六章
第二天晌午，菲利普坐在卧室里，暗自思量着不知米尔德丽德是否会来。头一天夜里，他睡得很不好。这天上午，他在医学院俱乐部浏览了一张又一张的报纸，借以消磨时光。学校放假了，他所熟识的学生很少有在伦敦的，不过他还是找到了一两个人聊个天儿，还下了盘棋，就这样打发了那令人沉闷的时光。中饭后，他感觉疲惫不堪，头痛欲裂，于是回到自己的寓所后，便一头倒在床上捧了本小说看着。他一直没有见着格里菲思。前天夜里菲利普回来时他不在家。后来听到他回来了，却没见着，他没跟往常那样窥视菲利普的房间，看他是否已入睡。到了早晨，又听到他老早就跑了出去。很明显，格里菲思是想避免同他照面。蓦地，耳边传来一下轻轻的叩门声，菲利普一骨碌从床上跃了下来，一瘸一拐地跑去开门，只见米尔德丽德一动不动地站在门边。
"进来呀，"菲利普说。
他在她身后把门闭上。米尔德丽德一屁股坐了下来。她迟疑了一下才开腔说话。
"谢谢你昨晚给了我两个先令，"她说。
"喔，快别谢了。"
她对菲利普报以淡淡的一笑。这使得菲利普想起了一条狗因淘气挨打后，为讨主人的欢心，脸上露出一种胆怯、奉承的表情来。
"我和哈利在一起吃中饭来着，"她说。
"是吗？"
"菲利普，如果你还要我星期六陪你一起去巴黎的话，我准备陪你去。"
一种胜利的狂喜似闪电般地向他心口袭来，不过这种情感瞬息即逝，随后心中升起了一团疑云。
"是为了钱吗？"他问道。
"有一半是这个原因，"她坦率地说。"哈利无能为力。他欠了这儿五个月的房租，还欠你七个英镑，而裁缝又一直钉住他要工钱。他能当的东西都要当，可是他把什么东西都当掉了。为了要把那个做我这件衣服的女裁缝打发掉，我就够操心的了，可这星期六房租又到期了。五分钟之内我又找不到工作，总是要等一段时间才能等到个空缺。"
她是操一种平和的却是抱怨的口吻说这番话的，仿佛她这是在数说命运的种种不合理，虽说不合理，却是与生俱来，不得不逆来顺受似的。菲利普听后没有吭声，不过对她说这番话的用心却洞若观火。
"你的话只说了一半，"最后他说。
"嗯，哈利说你待我们俩一向很好。他说，在他心目中，你是他真正的好朋友，而你为我所做的一切，恐怕世上没有第二个男人会像你这样的了。他说我们做人要正直老实。正如你说他的那样，他也说自己不像你，他生性用情不专，还说我要是为了他而抛弃你，那是十分愚蠢的行为。他的感情是不会持久的，而你会。他自己常常这么说。"
"你想跟我一块儿去巴黎吗？"菲利普问道。
"我不反对。"
他凝视着米尔德丽德，嘴角向下弯曲着，透出丝丝凄苦的神情。他确实大获全胜，而且自己的夙愿即将得偿。他不禁哈哈一笑，嘲笑起自己蒙受的耻辱。米尔德丽德飞快地瞥了他一眼，但没有作声。
"我殷切地期待着咱俩一块儿去巴黎一游，我曾想过，经过了那么多的痛苦的折磨，我终于得到了幸福……"
但他并没有能够说完他想说的心里话。突然，米尔德丽德事先毫无迹象地哇的一声哭开了，顿时泪如泉涌。她坐的那张椅子，诺拉也曾坐在那几嘤嘤抽泣过。同诺拉一样，米尔德丽德把脸搁在椅子的靠背上。靠背中央凹陷，两边微微隆起，她就把头部靠在椅子中央的凹陷处。
"我同女人打交道总是不走运，"菲利普思忖着。
她那瘦骨嶙峋的身子随着一吸一顿的抽泣而不住地起伏着。菲利普从来还没有见过一个女人如此自暴自弃地恸哭过。蓦地，一阵悸怕紧紧抓住了他的心，撕裂着他的心。他不知不觉地移步来到米尔德丽德的跟前，伸出双臂抱着她。米尔德丽德丝毫不作反抗，在这悲恸欲绝的时刻，她任其爱抚自己。菲利普在她耳边说了几句安慰的体己话，究竟说了些什么，连他自己也不甚了了。他随即弯下身子，在她脸上不住地吻着。
"你很难过吗？"他最后问了这么一句。
"我巴不得自己死去，"她神情凄怆地叹道，"但愿我分娩时死了就好了。"
她头上还戴着帽子，有些儿碍事，于是菲利普帮她取了下来。他把她的头放在椅子更舒适的部位，然后走过去坐在桌子边，目不转睛地望着她。
"亲爱的，事情糟透了，是不？"菲利普说，"真想不到任何人都需要爱呀！"
不一会儿，米尔德丽德渐渐止住了抽泣，精疲力竭地瘫在椅子里，头往后仰着，两臂无力地垂在两旁，模样古怪，活像画家勾画的用来展示眼、饰的橱窗模特儿。
"我可不知道你爱他爱得这么深啊，"菲利普又说。
菲利普把自己放在格里菲思的位置上，用他那样的眼睛去看人，用他那双手去抚摩；他可以设想格里菲思的躯体就是自己的躯体，用他那张嘴同米尔德丽德接吻，用他那双充满笑意的眼睛朝着她微笑。因此，菲利普完全理解格里菲思的爱恋之情。使他惊异的倒是米尔德丽德的感情。他可从来没想到她也会感情冲动，而这次是确确实实的，毫无疑问是感情冲动。他内心有某种东西消失了，他痛切地感到了这一点，仿佛什么东西崩坍了一般。他只觉得自己莫名其妙地虚弱不堪。
"我并不想使你伤心。如果你不想跟我一块去，那就别去了。不管去还是不去，我都给你钱。"
她摇摇头说：
"不能这样。我说过我要跟你去，那我就一定去。"
"假如你一心依恋着他，就是去了又有什么好处？"
"是的，你说得很对。我确实是一心依恋着他。同格里菲思一样，我也知道这种感情长久不了，不过眼下……"
她不再往下说，一下合上了双眼，像是要晕过去似的。一个奇怪的念头闪现在菲利普的脑海里，他不假思索地脱口而出：
"为什么你不跟他一道走呢？"
"那怎么成呢？你知道我们俩没钱呀。"
"钱，我给！"
"你？！"
她霍地坐直身子，盯视着菲利普。那对眸子渐渐发亮，双颊也渐渐红润起来。
"看来最好的办法还是你出去度过这段时间，然后再到我的身边来。"
由于提了这么个建议，他顿觉不胜恨恨。然而，这种痛苦的折磨却给他带来了一种奇怪的、难以捉摸的情感。米尔德丽德圆睁着双眼凝视着他。
"喔，我们怎么好用你的钱呢？哈利决不会同意的。"
"啊，你去劝他，他是会同意的。"
她的反对反倒使他更加坚持自己的意见，然而他打心眼里希望米尔德丽德能断然拒绝这个建议。
"我给你五英镑，这样你可以在外地从这周星期六呆到下星期一。这点钱足够了。到了星期一，他就要回家乡，一直呆到他回伦敦北部上任为止。"
"哦，菲利普，这是真的吗？"她不由得嚷了起来，还拍着手。"只要你让我跟他一块走，以后我一定会深深地爱你的，为了你，我做什么都心甘情愿。只要你真的这样做了，我肯定能克服这个感情上的危机。你真的愿意给我们钱吗？"
"真的，"他答道。
此时，米尔德丽德变得判若两人，嘴一咧便哈哈笑了起来。看得出她感到欣喜若狂。米尔德丽德离开椅子，跪在菲利普的身旁，紧紧地拉住他的手。
"你真好，菲利普。你是我见过的最好的人儿。以后你会不会生我的气呀？"
菲利普微笑着摇了摇头，可他内心却承受着多么巨大的痛苦啊！
"我现在可以去告诉哈利吗？我可以对他说你不介意吗？除非你说没关系，要不然他是不会同意的。喔，你不知道我有多爱他！以后你要我怎么样我就怎么样。星期一我就回来同你一起去巴黎，去哪儿都可以。"
她站了起来，并戴上了帽子。
"你上哪？"
"我去问问他是否愿意带我一起走。"
"那么急呀？"
"你要我留在这儿吗？你要我留下来我就不走。"
她一屁股坐了下来，但是菲利普却格格一笑。
"不，没关系，你还是去吧。不过有件事得说清楚：眼下我不愿见到格里菲思，见到他太使我伤心了。去告诉他，说我菲利普对他不怀敌意，也没有别的什么不好的看法，但是请他离我远一点。"
"好吧，"她从椅子里一跃而起，迅即戴上手套，"我会把他的话传给你的"
"你今晚最好来跟我一道吃晚饭。"
"那敢情好。"
她仰起脸等他吻她，当菲利普的嘴唇贴近她的嘴唇时，她伸出双臂勾住他的脖子。
"你真是个可爱的人儿，菲利普。"
两三个小时以后，她差人给他送来了便条，说她头痛不能践约同他一同进餐。菲利普几乎料到她会来这么一着的。他知道她是在同格里菲思一道吃饭。他妒火中烧，但是那种迷住了他们俩心窍的突如其来的勃勃情欲，像是从天外飞来似的，仿佛是天神赋予他们的一般，他深感自己无能为力，也无可奈何。他们相爱是非常自然的。他看到了格里菲思胜过自己的种种长处，并承认如果自己处在米尔德丽德的位置，也会干出米尔德丽德所干的事情来的。最使他伤心的是格里菲思的背信弃义的行为。他们一直是情意那么深厚的好朋友，而且格里菲思分明知道他对米尔德丽德是多么的一往情深。格里菲思应该对他高抬贵手嘛。
星期五以前他一直没有见到米尔德丽德，不过他也讨厌见到她。但是当她出现在他面前时，他知道自己在米尔德丽德的心目中没有丝毫的地位，因为他们两人都心心念念想着格里菲思。陡然间，他对她耿耿于怀。现在他明白了她和格里菲思相爱的原因了。格里菲思此人很蠢，喔，简直愚蠢至极！这一点他一向都知道，不过是视而不见罢了。格里菲思既愚蠢又浮躁。他身上的那种魅力恰恰掩盖了他那颗极端自私的心，为了满足自己的私欲，他任何人都可以出卖。他过的生活是多么的贫乏空虚，整天价不是在酒吧间游荡，就是在杂耍剧场里酗酒，再不就是到处眠花宿柳，闹出一桩桩桃色事件！他历来不读书，除了声色犬马，啥也不懂。他没转过一个好念头：最常挂在嘴边的字眼儿是"漂亮"。这是他送给一个男人或女人的最高的赞美词。漂亮！无怪乎他能讨米尔德丽德的欢心，他们这是同声相应，同气相求。
菲利普对米尔德丽德说些无关紧要的琐事。他知道米尔德丽德想讲讲格里菲思的事儿，但是他不给她置喙的机会。他避而不谈两天前的晚上她用一个小小的借口拒绝同他一道吃晚饭的事儿。他漫不经心的，试图使她相信他突然变得对什么都满不在乎。他练就一种唠叨小事的特殊本领，专聊些他知道能刺痛她心的琐碎小事。他的话是绵里藏针，说得又很圆滑，叫她听了有苦说不出。最后，她霍地站了起来。
"我想我该走了，"她说。
"你还挺忙的哩！"他回敬了一句。
她伸出了手，菲利普与她握别，并为她打开了房门。他知道她想要讲的事儿，同时也知道他冷冰冰的、冷嘲热讽的神气吓得她不敢启口。他的羞怯常常使他显得态度冷漠，无形之中使人们见了他都退避三舍。他发现了这一点之后，便一有机会就装出这种样子去对付别人。
"你总不会忘记你的许诺吧！"他扶着房门的当儿，米尔德丽德说。
"什么许诺？"
"钱呀。"
"要多少？"
他说话的口气冷淡、审慎，使得他的话显得特别的戳心。米尔德丽德的脸红了。他心里明白现在米尔德丽德恨死他了，对米尔德丽德克制的自己不发脾气的毅力，菲利普感到不胜惊讶。他要让她吃些苦头。
"明天要付衣服钱和房租。就这些了。哈利不走了，所以我们也不需要那笔钱了。"
菲利普的心咯瞪一下，手松开了，房门又砰然闭上了。
"怎么不走呀？"
"他说我们没钱，也不能用你的钱。"
一个魔鬼抓住了菲利普的心，这是一种潜伏在他体内的自己折磨自己的魔鬼。虽说他满心希望格里菲思和米尔德丽德不要双双出走，但是他也无计可施。他让自己通过米尔德丽德去劝说格里菲思。
"只要我愿意，我不懂为什么不能去，"他说。
"我对他就是这么说的嘛。"
"我本该想到，假如他真的想走，他是不会犹豫的。"
"喔，不是那么回事，他一直想走。要是手头有钱，他立刻就走。"
"如果他过于拘谨的话，那我就把钱给你。"
"我说过，如果他愿意，这笔钱就算是你借给我们的，我们一旦手头宽裕，便立即如数奉还。"
"这样一来，跟你跪在一个男人面前乞求他带你去度周末，多少有些儿不同。"
"多少有些儿不同，是这样吗？"说罢，她厚颜无耻地格格一笑。"
这笑声使得菲利普直打冷颤。；
"那你打算干什么？"他问道。
"不干什么。他明天回家去。他一定得走。"
这下菲利普可得救了。格里菲思不在眼前，他就可以使米尔德丽德重新回到自己的身边。她在伦敦一个熟人也没有，只得同他厮守在一。只要他们单独在一起，他就能够使她很快忘却这段风流艳事。要是他就此作罢，不再多言，倒什么事也没有。然而他有着一种强烈的欲念，想要打消他们的顾忌，他倒要看看他们对待他究竟会可恶到什么地步。只要他略施小技稍稍引诱他们一下，他们就会向自己屈服，于是他一想到他们俩卑躬屈膝、低三下四的丑态，心里就激荡起一种按捺不住的喜悦。虽说他每吐一个字，内心犹如针戳般地难受，但他发觉这痛苦里面自有无穷的乐趣。
"看来，事情到了此时不干更待何时的地步罗。"
"我对他正是这么说的，"她说。
她的讲话带着情绪亢奋的调子，菲利普听后不由得一怔。他局促不安地咬着手指甲。
"你们想上哪儿呢？"
"喔，上牛津去。他曾在那儿上过大学，这你是知道的。他说带我去参观校园呐。"
菲利普记起有一次他曾经提议他们俩一块儿去牛津玩上一天，可她断然拒绝，说什么一想到那儿的景致，她就感到兴味索然。
"看来你们会遇上好天气的。那里现在该是好玩的时候。"
"为了说服他去那儿，我嘴皮都磨破了。"
"你不好再试一试吗？"
"你是否还想让我们走呀？"
"我想你们不必跑那么远嘛，"菲利普说。
她顿了一两秒钟，两眼直勾勾地望着菲利普，而菲利普竭力装作友好地转眸凝视她。他恨她，鄙视她，但是又诚心诚意地爱着她。
"我把我的打算告诉你，我准备去找他，看他能否为之作出安排。要是他同意了，我明天就来你这儿取钱。明天你什么时候在家？"
"我一吃过中饭就回来等你。"
"好的。"
"现在我就给你钱去付衣服钱和房租。"
他走到书桌跟前，拿出他手头所有的现钱。那件衣裙要付六畿尼，此外，还有她的房租、饭钱和孩子的领养费。他一共给了她八英镑十先令。
"太谢谢你了，"她说。
米尔德丽德说罢转身走了。
next day, in the afternoon, philip sat in his room and wondered whether mildred would come. he had slept badly. he had spent the morning in the club of the medical school, reading one newspaper after another. it was the vacation and few students he knew were in london, but he found one or two people to talk to, he played a game of chess, and so wore out the tedious hours. after luncheon he felt so tired, his head was aching so, that he went back to his lodgings and lay down; he tried to read a novel. he had not seen griffiths. he was not in when philip returned the night before; he heard him come back, but he did not as usual look into philip’s room to see if he was asleep; and in the morning philip heard him go out early. it was clear that he wanted to avoid him. suddenly there was a light tap at his door. philip sprang to his feet and opened it. mildred stood on the threshold. she did not move.
‘come in,’ said philip.
he closed the door after her. she sat down. she hesitated to begin.
‘thank you for giving me that two shillings last night,’ she said.
‘oh, that’s all right.’
she gave him a faint smile. it reminded philip of the timid, ingratiating look of a puppy that has been beaten for naughtiness and wants to reconcile himself with his master.
‘i’ve been lunching with harry,’ she said.
‘have you?’
‘if you still want me to go away with you on saturday, philip, i’ll come.’
a quick thrill of triumph shot through his heart, but it was a sensation that only lasted an instant; it was followed by a suspicion.
‘because of the money?’ he asked.
‘partly,’ she answered simply. ‘harry can’t do anything. he owes five weeks here, and he owes you seven pounds, and his tailor’s pressing him for money. he’d pawn anything he could, but he’s pawned everything already. i had a job to put the woman off about my new dress, and on saturday there’s the book at my lodgings, and i can’t get work in five minutes. it always means waiting some little time till there’s a vacancy.’
she said all this in an even, querulous tone, as though she were recounting the injustices of fate, which had to be borne as part of the natural order of things. philip did not answer. he knew what she told him well enough.
‘you said partly,’ he observed at last.
‘well, harry says you’ve been a brick to both of us. you’ve been a real good friend to him, he says, and you’ve done for me what p’raps no other man would have done. we must do the straight thing, he says. and he said what you said about him, that he’s fickle by nature, he’s not like you, and i should be a fool to throw you away for him. he won’t last and you will, he says so himself.’
‘d’you want to come away with me?’ asked philip.
‘i don’t mind.’
he looked at her, and the corners of his mouth turned down in an expression of misery. he had triumphed indeed, and he was going to have his way. he gave a little laugh of derision at his own humiliation. she looked at him quickly, but did not speak.
‘i’ve looked forward with all my soul to going away with you, and i thought at last, after all that wretchedness, i was going to be happy...’
he did not finish what he was going to say. and then on a sudden, without warning, mildred broke into a storm of tears. she was sitting in the chair in which norah had sat and wept, and like her she hid her face on the back of it, towards the side where there was a little bump formed by the sagging in the middle, where the head had rested.
‘i’m not lucky with women,’ thought philip.
her thin body was shaken with sobs. philip had never seen a woman cry with such an utter abandonment. it was horribly painful, and his heart was torn. without realising what he did, he went up to her and put his arms round her; she did not resist, but in her wretchedness surrendered herself to his comforting. he whispered to her little words of solace. he scarcely knew what he was saying, he bent over her and kissed her repeatedly.
‘are you awfully unhappy?’ he said at last.
‘i wish i was dead,’ she moaned. ‘i wish i’d died when the baby come.’
her hat was in her way, and philip took it off for her. he placed her head more comfortably in the chair, and then he went and sat down at the table and looked at her.
‘it is awful, love, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘fancy anyone wanting to be in love.’
presently the violence of her sobbing diminished and she sat in the chair, exhausted, with her head thrown back and her arms hanging by her side. she had the grotesque look of one of those painters’ dummies used to hang draperies on.
‘i didn’t know you loved him so much as all that,’ said philip.
he understood griffiths’ love well enough, for he put himself in griffiths’ place and saw with his eyes, touched with his hands; he was able to think himself in griffiths’ body, and he kissed her with his lips, smiled at her with his smiling blue eyes. it was her emotion that surprised him. he had never thought her capable of passion, and this was passion: there was no mistaking it. something seemed to give way in his heart; it really felt to him as though something were breaking, and he felt strangely weak.
‘i don’t want to make you unhappy. you needn’t come away with me if you don’t want to. i’ll give you the money all the same.’
she shook her head.
‘no, i said i’d come, and i’ll come.’
‘what’s the good, if you’re sick with love for him?’
‘yes, that’s the word. i’m sick with love. i know it won’t last, just as well as he does, but just now...’
she paused and shut her eyes as though she were going to faint. a strange idea came to philip, and he spoke it as it came, without stopping to think it out.
‘why don’t you go away with him?’
‘how can i? you know we haven’t got the money.’
‘i’ll give you the money"
‘you?’
she sat up and looked at him. her eyes began to shine, and the colour came into her cheeks.
‘perhaps the best thing would be to get it over, and then you’d come back to me.’
now that he had made the suggestion he was sick with anguish, and yet the torture of it gave him a strange, subtle sensation. she stared at him with open eyes.
‘oh, how could we, on your money? harry wouldn’t think of it.’
‘oh yes, he would, if you persuaded him.’
her objections made him insist, and yet he wanted her with all his heart to refuse vehemently.
‘i’ll give you a fiver, and you can go away from saturday to monday. you could easily do that. on monday he’s going home till he takes up his appointment at the north london.’
‘oh, philip, do you mean that?’ she cried, clasping her hands. ‘if you could only let us go—i would love you so much afterwards, i’d do anything for you. i’m sure i shall get over it if you’ll only do that. would you really give us the money?’
‘yes,’ he said.
she was entirely changed now. she began to laugh. he could see that she was insanely happy. she got up and knelt down by philip’s side, taking his hands.
‘you are a brick, philip. you’re the best fellow i’ve ever known. won’t you be angry with me afterwards?’
he shook his head, smiling, but with what agony in his heart!
‘may i go and tell harry now? and can i say to him that you don’t mind? he won’t consent unless you promise it doesn’t matter. oh, you don’t know how i love him! and afterwards i’ll do anything you like. i’ll come over to paris with you or anywhere on monday.’
she got up and put on her hat.
‘where are you going?’
‘i’m going to ask him if he’ll take me.’
‘already?’
‘d’you want me to stay? i’ll stay if you like.’
she sat down, but he gave a little laugh.
‘no, it doesn’t matter, you’d better go at once. there’s only one thing: i can’t bear to see griffiths just now, it would hurt me too awfully. say i have no ill-feeling towards him or anything like that, but ask him to keep out of my way.’
‘all right.’ she sprang up and put on her gloves. ‘i’ll let you know what he says.’
‘you’d better dine with me tonight.’
‘very well.’
she put up her face for him to kiss her, and when he pressed his lips to hers she threw her arms round his neck.
‘you are a darling, philip.’
she sent him a note a couple of hours later to say that she had a headache and could not dine with him. philip had almost expected it. he knew that she was dining with griffiths. he was horribly jealous, but the sudden passion which had seized the pair of them seemed like something that had come from the outside, as though a god had visited them with it, and he felt himself helpless. it seemed so natural that they should love one another. he saw all the advantages that griffiths had over himself and confessed that in mildred’s place he would have done as mildred did. what hurt him most was griffiths’ treachery; they had been such good friends, and griffiths knew how passionately devoted he was to mildred: he might have spared him.
he did not see mildred again till friday; he was sick for a sight of her by then; but when she came and he realised that he had gone out of her thoughts entirely, for they were engrossed in griffiths, he suddenly hated her. he saw now why she and griffiths loved one another, griffiths was stupid, oh so stupid! he had known that all along, but had shut his eyes to it, stupid and empty-headed: that charm of his concealed an utter selfishness; he was willing to sacrifice anyone to his appetites. and how inane was the life he led, lounging about bars and drinking in music halls, wandering from one light amour to another! he never read a book, he was blind to everything that was not frivolous and vulgar; he had never a thought that was fine: the word most common on his lips was smart; that was his highest praise for man or woman. smart! it was no wonder he pleased mildred. they suited one another.
philip talked to mildred of things that mattered to neither of them. he knew she wanted to speak of griffiths, but he gave her no opportunity. he did not refer to the fact that two evenings before she had put off dining with him on a trivial excuse. he was casual with her, trying to make her think he was suddenly grown indifferent; and he exercised peculiar skill in saying little things which he knew would wound her; but which were so indefinite, so delicately cruel, that she could not take exception to them. at last she got up.
‘i think i must be going off now,’ she said.
‘i daresay you’ve got a lot to do,’ he answered.
she held out her hand, he took it, said good-bye, and opened the door for her. he knew what she wanted to speak about, and he knew also that his cold, ironical air intimidated her. often his shyness made him seem so frigid that unintentionally he frightened people, and, having discovered this, he was able when occasion arose to assume the same manner.
‘you haven’t forgotten what you promised?’ she said at last, as he held open the door.
‘what is that?’
‘about the money"
‘how much d’you want?’
he spoke with an icy deliberation which made his words peculiarly offensive. mildred flushed. he knew she hated him at that moment, and he wondered at the self-control by which she prevented herself from flying out at him. he wanted to make her suffer.
‘there’s the dress and the book tomorrow. that’s all. harry won’t come, so we shan’t want money for that.’
philip’s heart gave a great thud against his ribs, and he let the door handle go. the door swung to.
‘why not?’
‘he says we couldn’t, not on your money.’
a devil seized philip, a devil of self-torture which was always lurking within him, and, though with all his soul he wished that griffiths and mildred should not go away together, he could not help himself; he set himself to persuade griffiths through her.
‘i don’t see why not, if i’m willing,’ he said.
‘that’s what i told him.’
‘i should have thought if he really wanted to go he wouldn’t hesitate.’
‘oh, it’s not that, he wants to all right. he’d go at once if he had the money.’
‘if he’s squeamish about it i’ll give you the money.’
‘i said you’d lend it if he liked, and we’d pay it back as soon as we could.’
‘it’s rather a change for you going on your knees to get a man to take you away for a week-end.’
‘it is rather, isn’t it?’ she said, with a shameless little laugh. it sent a cold shudder down philip’s spine.
‘what are you going to do then?’ he asked.
‘nothing. he’s going home tomorrow. he must.’
that would be philip’s salvation. with griffiths out of the way he could get mildred back. she knew no one in london, she would be thrown on to his society, and when they were alone together he could soon make her forget this infatuation. if he said nothing more he was safe. but he had a fiendish desire to break down their scruples, he wanted to know how abominably they could behave towards him; if he tempted them a little more they would yield, and he took a fierce joy at the thought of their dishonour. though every word he spoke tortured him, he found in the torture a horrible delight.
‘it looks as if it were now or never.’
‘that’s what i told him,’ she said.
there was a passionate note in her voice which struck philip. he was biting his nails in his nervousness.
‘where were you thinking of going?’
‘oh, to oxford. he was at the ‘varsity there, you know. he said he’d show me the colleges.’
philip remembered that once he had suggested going to oxford for the day, and she had expressed firmly the boredom she felt at the thought of sights.
‘and it looks as if you’d have fine weather. it ought to be very jolly there just now.’
‘i’ve done all i could to persuade him.’
‘why don’t you have another try?’
‘shall i say you want us to go?’
‘i don’t think you must go as far as that,’ said philip.
she paused for a minute or two, looking at him. philip forced himself to look at her in a friendly way. he hated her, he despised her, he loved her with all his heart.
‘i’ll tell you what i’ll do, i’ll go and see if he can’t arrange it. and then, if he says yes, i’ll come and fetch the money tomorrow. when shall you be in?’
‘i’ll come back here after luncheon and wait.’
‘all right.’
‘i’ll give you the money for your dress and your room now.’
he went to his desk and took out what money he had. the dress was six guineas; there was besides her rent and her food, and the baby’s keep for a week. he gave her eight pounds ten.
‘thanks very much,’ she said.
she left him.