第七十五章
翌日，菲利普心境颇佳。他生怕自己在米尔德丽德身边呆得太久会使她心生腻烦。因此，他决定不到吃饭时间不去找她。他去接时，见她已梳理停当，正等候着他，于是就她这次罕见的准时践约一事跟她打趣逗笑。她身上穿的是他送的新衣裙，对此，他评头品足，说这衣裙还怪俏丽的哩。
"裙子缝得不对头，"米尔德丽德却说，"还得送回去重新改。"
"如果你打算把它带到巴黎的话，那你得叫裁缝抓紧一点。"
"到时一定能改好的。"
"还只剩下三天了。我们乘十一点钟的火车去，好吗？"
"随你的便。"
当想到差不多有一个月的光景他将天天守在米尔德丽德的身旁，菲利普的两眼闪耀着贪婪而又爱恋的光芒，骨碌碌地在她身上扫个不停。对自己的这种色欲，菲利普不觉莞尔。
"我不知道看中了你身上的哪一点，"他笑吟吟地说。
"说得好！"她回了一句。
米尔德丽德瘦骨嶙峋，几乎一眼就可以看到她的骨头架子。胸脯就跟男孩一样的扁平，嘴巴因双唇狭窄、苍白而显得很丑。她的皮肤呈淡绿色。
"到了巴黎之后，我就拼命给你吃布劳氏丸，"菲利普边笑边说，"叫你回来的时候变得胖胖的，脸色像玫瑰花似的红润。"
"我可不想发胖，"她顶了一句。
吃饭的当儿，她对格里菲思只字不提，此刻，菲利普踌躇满志，深信自己能拿得住他，于是半开玩笑半正经地说：
"看来昨天晚上你同哈利着实调情了一番？"
"我告诉过你说我爱上了他嘛，"她笑哈哈地说。
"我可高兴地得知他并不爱你。"
"何以见得？"
"我亲口问过他的嘛。"
米尔德丽德犹豫了半晌，默默地注视着菲利普，蓦然间，她双眸发出一种奇异的光亮。
"你愿意看一看他今天早晨给我的信吗？"
米尔德丽德说着随手递来一只信封，菲利普一眼就认出了那信封上格里菲思的粗大、清晰的字体。这封信一共写了八张纸，写得不错，口气坦率，读来令人神魂颠倒，正是出于一个惯于寻花问柳的男人的手笔。他在信中对米尔德丽德一诉衷肠，说他狂热地爱着米尔德丽德，而且是一见钟情呢；还声称他无意这么做，因为他知道菲利普非常喜欢她，但无奈情火中烧，不能自制。想到菲利普是那么一个可爱的人儿，他为自己感到万分羞愧，但这不是他的过错，只怨自己完全为米尔德丽德所倾倒。他还用一套甜言蜜语把米尔德丽德恭维了一番。最后，他感谢米尔德丽德答应第二天同他一起就餐，并说他急不可耐地期待着同她会面。菲利普意识到此信是前一天晚上写的，一定是格里菲思在同菲利普分手以后写的，而且还在菲利普以为格里菲思已就寝的时候，不辞辛劳地跑出去把信寄走的。
看信的那一刻，他那颗心怦怦直跳，直恶心。但是他脸上丝毫没露惊讶的神色，而是面带微笑，镇定自若地把信递还给米尔德丽德。
"那顿中饭吃得香吗？"
"真带劲，"她回答时还加重了语气。
菲利普感到双手不住地颤抖，于是他把手藏到桌子下面。
"你可不要拿格里菲思当真，要知道他是个浪荡哥儿。"
米尔德丽德接过信去，又端详了一番。
"我也是没办法，"她说话时，极力装出一副若无其事的样子。"我自己也闹不清我究竟怎么啦。"
"这事叫我可伤脑筋了，不是吗？"菲利普说。
她匆匆地扫了他一眼。
"我得说，你对此事的态度倒蛮镇定沉着的呢。"
"你想叫我怎么办呢？你想叫我歇斯底里地发作一通吗？"
"我原先以为你会生我气的。"
"奇怪的是，我一点儿也不生气。我早该知道这种事情会发生的。我太傻气了，把你们两位引到一起去了。他哪一点都比我强，这我心里清楚着哪。他生性欢快，长得又很帅，还很风趣，他的谈吐，无不迎合你的旨趣。"
"我不懂你说的是什么意思。我这个人很笨，这我也没办法。不过老实告诉你，我并不像你想象的那般蠢，还不至于到那种地步呢。我的年轻的朋友，你对我也太傲慢点了吧。"
"你想同我吵架吗？"他口气温和地问道。
"没有这个意思。但是我不懂你为什么要那样对待我，就好像我啥也，不懂似的。"
"很抱歉，我可无意要触犯你，只是想心平气和地把事情说清楚。尽力想法子不要把事情搞得一团糟。我看到你被他吸引住了，这在我看来是很自然的。令人伤心的是，明知道我对你是一往情深，可他居然还怂恿你这么干。他才对我说他压根儿不爱你，可五分钟之后又写了那么一封信，这种做法在我看来也太卑鄙龌龊了。"：
"你以为在我面前说他的坏话，我就不喜欢他了，那你是打错算盘了。"
菲利普沉吟良久，不知该说些什么才能使米尔德丽德明白自己的意思。他想冷静地、郑重其事地把话说清楚，但无余眼下思潮翻滚，心乱如麻，一下子还理不出个头绪来。
"为了一宗你知道不会长久的男女私情而牺牲自己的一切，那是不值得的。说到底，他同谁都处不长，十天一过就什么都不顾了，再说你生来就很冷漠。那种艳事不会给你带来多大好处的。"
"那只是你的看法。"
米尔德丽德的这种态度倒使得他一下子发不起火来。
"你爱上了他，这是没法子的事情，我只有极力忍受这个痛苦。你和我两人一向处得不错，我对你从来没有做出什么越轨的举动，对不？你并个爱我，这我肚子里一向有数，不过你还是喜欢我的。我们一同在巴黎，你自然而然就会忘掉格里菲思。只要你下决心忘掉他，你会发觉这样做并不难。你也该为我着想着想哇，这在我来说，也是理所应当的。"
米尔德丽德闷声不响。于是，他们俩默默无言地吃着饭。沉默的气氛宛如铅块似的，越压越重，令人窒息。过了一会儿，菲利普搭讪着说些鸡毛蒜皮的小事。米尔德丽德心不在焉，似听非所的样子，他只当没看见。她只是顺着菲利普的话头敷衍几句，却不主动披露自己的心迹。后来，她突然打断菲利普的话，冷冷地说：
"菲利普，星期六我恐怕不能走了，因为医生说我不该这么做。"
他心里明白这是遁词，但嘴上还是说：
"那么，你啥时候能够动身呢？"
她瞥了菲利普一眼，发觉他的脸色苍白，神情严峻，于是迅即把目光移向别处。此时，她有些惧怕菲利普。
"我还是老实告诉你吧，我根本不能跟你一块儿去。"
"我料到你有这个意思。可是，眼下改变主意已经迟了。车票已经买了，一切准备工作都就绪了。"
"你说过除非我想去巴黎，否则你不会勉强我的，而现在我就是不想去嘛。"
"我已经改变主意了。我不打算再同自己开什么玩笑了。你一定得跟我走。"
"菲利普，作为一个朋友，我一向很喜欢你。朋友就是朋友，旁的我想都不忍去想。我也不希望你存有别的什么念头。巴黎之行，我是不能奉陪的了，菲利普。"
"可是一个礼拜前你还是很愿意去的嘛。"
"那时情况不同。"
"就因为那时你还没有碰上格里菲思？"
"你亲口说过要是我爱上了格里菲思，这也是没有办法的事情嘛。"
她的脸倏忽板了起来，两眼直直地盯视着面前的菜碟于。菲利普气得脸色发白。他真想用拳头对准她的脸给她一家伙，脑海里浮现出被打得鼻青眼肿的模样来。邻近的一张餐桌旁坐着两个十八岁的小伙子，他们不时地转眼凝视米尔德丽德。他暗自思忖，他们是否羡慕他同一位妩媚的少女在一起用餐，说不定他们还在想取他而代之呢。最后还是米尔德丽德开腔打破了这难堪的沉寂。
"咱俩一块儿出去会有什么好结果呢？就是去了，我还会无时无刻不想念他的。这样不会给你带来多少乐趣的。"
"那是我的事，"他接口答道。
米尔德丽德细细玩味着他的答话的弦外之音，不觉双颊绯红。
"但是这也太卑鄙了。"
"此话怎讲？"
"我原以为你是个真正的绅士呐。"
"那你看错人了。"
他觉得他的回答妙极了，所以他一边说着，一边还哈哈大笑哩。
"看在老天爷的份上，别笑啦！"她大声地嚷道。"菲利普，我不能陪你去。实在对不起。我知道我一向待你不好，但是一个人总不能强迫自去做自己不愿做的事儿呀！"
"你落难的时候，啥都是我给你张罗的，难道这一切你都忘了不成？你生孩子之前的一切费用都是我开支的。你看医生以及其他一切费用。都是我付的。你上布赖顿的车票、旅费也都是我提供的。眼下我还在'你付孩子的寄养费，给你买衣服，你身上穿的哪一块布不是我买的呢？"
"如果你是绅士的话，你就决不会把你为我所做的一切在我面前拦落炫耀。"
"哦，老天爷，闭上你那张臭嘴吧！你以为我还在乎我是否是个绅士吗？要是我是个绅士，我就决不会在像你这样的俗不可耐的荡妇身上浪费时间了。你喜欢不喜欢我，我毫不在乎！我心里腌(月赞)透了，被人当该死的傻瓜一样地耍。你星期六高高兴兴地来跟我一块去巴黎，要不然你吃不了兜了走。"
她胸中的怒火把两颊烧得通红，在回敬菲利普的当儿，也跟平常人一样硬邦邦的，可平时她却总是温文尔雅的。
"我从来就不喜欢你，打咱俩开始认识时我就不喜欢你，都是你强加给我的。你每次吻我，我都恨你。从现在起，不准你碰我一个指头，就是我饿死，也不准你碰。"
菲利普试图把自己面前的盘子里的食物一口吞下去，但喉咙的肌肉就是不听使唤。他把酒一饮而尽，随即点了支烟。他全身在不住地颤抖。他一声不吭，默默地等待着她起立，但是她却像尊泥塑木雕似的坐着不动，两眼目不转睛地望着雪白的台布。要是这时就只有他们两人的话，他就会一把把她搂在自己的怀里，在她脸上狂吻；他想象起当他把自己的嘴唇紧紧贴住她的嘴唇时她仰起那雪白纤细的颈子的情景来了。他们俩就这样无言以对过了个把钟头，最后菲利普感到那侍者渐渐用一种诧异的目光凝睇着他们俩，于是便叫侍者来结帐。
"咱们走吧？"接着他心平气和地说。
米尔德丽德虽没有吭声，但伸手拿起了手提包和手套，并穿上外套。
"下次你什么时候同格里菲思见面？"
"明天，"她冷淡地答道。
"你最好把此事跟他聊聊。"
米尔德丽德下意识地打开手提包，目光触到包里的一片纸。她随即把它掏了出来。
"这就是我身上穿的这件外套的帐单，"她吞吞吐吐地说。
"怎么回事？"
"我答应明天付钱的。"
"是吗？"
"这件衣服是你同意我买的。你刚才的意思是不是说你不打算付钱了？"
"是这个意思。"
"那我去叫哈利付。"她说话时，脸颊红了一下。
"他很乐意帮助你。眼下他还欠我七个英镑，上周他还把显微镜送进了当铺，因为他穷得精光。"
"你不要以为拿这个就可以吓唬我。我完全能够自己去挣钱养活自己，"
"那再好也没有了。我可不打算再在你身上花一个子儿了。"
她又想起了星期六该付的房租和孩子的领养费的事儿来，但没有吱声。他们俩走出餐馆，来到街上。菲利普问她道：
"我给你叫辆马车来好吗？我准备散一会儿步。"
"我连一个子儿也没有，可下午还得付一笔帐。"
"你自己走回去也伤不了你的身体。明天你想见我的话，大约用茶点的时候我在家。"
他向米尔德丽德脱帽致意，随即信步向前走去。片刻后，他掉头朝身后望了望，只见米尔德丽德立在原地未动，神情沮丧地望着街上来往的车辆。他返身折了回来，一边嘻嘻笑着，一边把一枚硬币塞在米尔德丽德的手里。
"唔，两个先令，够你付马车费的。"
米尔德丽德还没有来得及开口说话，他便匆匆走开了。
next day philip was in a good temper. he was very anxious not to bore mildred with too much of his society, and so had arranged that he should not see her till dinner-time. she was ready when he fetched her, and he chaffed her for her unwonted punctuality. she was wearing a new dress he had given her. he remarked on its smartness.
‘it’ll have to go back and be altered,’ she said. ‘the skirt hangs all wrong.’
‘you’ll have to make the dressmaker hurry up if you want to take it to paris with you.’
‘it’ll be ready in time for that.’
‘only three more whole days. we’ll go over by the eleven o’clock, shall we?’
‘if you like.’
he would have her for nearly a month entirely to himself. his eyes rested on her with hungry adoration. he was able to laugh a little at his own passion.
‘i wonder what it is i see in you,’ he smiled.
‘that’s a nice thing to say,’ she answered.
her body was so thin that one could almost see her skeleton. her chest was as flat as a boy’s. her mouth, with its narrow pale lips, was ugly, and her skin was faintly green.
‘i shall give you blaud’s pills in quantities when we’re away,’ said philip, laughing. ‘i’m going to bring you back fat and rosy.’
‘i don’t want to get fat,’ she said.
she did not speak of griffiths, and presently while they were dining philip half in malice, for he felt sure of himself and his power over her, said:
‘it seems to me you were having a great flirtation with harry last night?’
‘i told you i was in love with him,’ she laughed.
‘i’m glad to know that he’s not in love with you.’
‘how d’you know?’
‘i asked him.’
she hesitated a moment, looking at philip, and a curious gleam came into her eyes.
‘would you like to read a letter i had from him this morning?’
she handed him an envelope and philip recognised griffiths’ bold, legible writing. there were eight pages. it was well written, frank and charming; it was the letter of a man who was used to making love to women. he told mildred that he loved her passionately, he had fallen in love with her the first moment he saw her; he did not want to love her, for he knew how fond philip was of her, but he could not help himself. philip was such a dear, and he was very much ashamed of himself, but it was not his fault, he was just carried away. he paid her delightful compliments. finally he thanked her for consenting to lunch with him next day and said he was dreadfully impatient to see her. philip noticed that the letter was dated the night before; griffiths must have written it after leaving philip, and had taken the trouble to go out and post it when philip thought he was in bed.
he read it with a sickening palpitation of his heart, but gave no outward sign of surprise. he handed it back to mildred with a smile, calmly.
‘did you enjoy your lunch?’
‘rather,’ she said emphatically.
he felt that his hands were trembling, so he put them under the table.
‘you mustn’t take griffiths too seriously. he’s just a butterfly, you know.’
she took the letter and looked at it again.
‘i can’t help it either,’ she said, in a voice which she tried to make nonchalant. ‘i don’t know what’s come over me.’
‘it’s a little awkward for me, isn’t it?’ said philip.
she gave him a quick look.
‘you’re taking it pretty calmly, i must say.’
‘what do you expect me to do? do you want me to tear out my hair in handfuls?’
‘i knew you’d be angry with me.’
‘the funny thing is, i’m not at all. i ought to have known this would happen. i was a fool to bring you together. i know perfectly well that he’s got every advantage over me; he’s much jollier, and he’s very handsome, he’s more amusing, he can talk to you about the things that interest you.’
‘i don’t know what you mean by that. if i’m not clever i can’t help it, but i’m not the fool you think i am, not by a long way, i can tell you. you’re a bit too superior for me, my young friend.’
‘d’you want to quarrel with me?’ he asked mildly.
‘no, but i don’t see why you should treat me as if i was i don’t know what.’
‘i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to offend you. i just wanted to talk things over quietly. we don’t want to make a mess of them if we can help it. i saw you were attracted by him and it seemed to me very natural. the only thing that really hurts me is that he should have encouraged you. he knew how awfully keen i was on you. i think it’s rather shabby of him to have written that letter to you five minutes after he told me he didn’t care twopence about you.’
‘if you think you’re going to make me like him any the less by saying nasty things about him, you’re mistaken.’
philip was silent for a moment. he did not know what words he could use to make her see his point of view. he wanted to speak coolly and deliberately, but he was in such a turmoil of emotion that he could not clear his thoughts.
‘it’s not worth while sacrificing everything for an infatuation that you know can’t last. after all, he doesn’t care for anyone more than ten days, and you’re rather cold; that sort of thing doesn’t mean very much to you.’
‘that’s what you think.’
she made it more difficult for him by adopting a cantankerous tone.
‘if you’re in love with him you can’t help it. i’ll just bear it as best i can. we get on very well together, you and i, and i’ve not behaved badly to you, have i? i’ve always known that you’re not in love with me, but you like me all right, and when we get over to paris you’ll forget about griffiths. if you make up your mind to put him out of your thoughts you won’t find it so hard as all that, and i’ve deserved that you should do something for me.’
she did not answer, and they went on eating their dinner. when the silence grew oppressive philip began to talk of indifferent things. he pretended not to notice that mildred was inattentive. her answers were perfunctory, and she volunteered no remarks of her own. at last she interrupted abruptly what he was saying:
‘philip, i’m afraid i shan’t be able to go away on saturday. the doctor says i oughtn’t to.’
he knew this was not true, but he answered:
‘when will you be able to come away?’
she glanced at him, saw that his face was white and rigid, and looked nervously away. she was at that moment a little afraid of him.
‘i may as well tell you and have done with it, i can’t come away with you at all.’
‘i thought you were driving at that. it’s too late to change your mind now. i’ve got the tickets and everything.’
‘you said you didn’t wish me to go unless i wanted it too, and i don’t.’
‘i’ve changed my mind. i’m not going to have any more tricks played with me. you must come.’
‘i like you very much, philip, as a friend. but i can’t bear to think of anything else. i don’t like you that way. i couldn’t, philip.’
‘you were quite willing to a week ago.’
‘it was different then.’
‘you hadn’t met griffiths?’
‘you said yourself i couldn’t help it if i’m in love with him.’
her face was set into a sulky look, and she kept her eyes fixed on her plate. philip was white with rage. he would have liked to hit her in the face with his clenched fist, and in fancy he saw how she would look with a black eye. there were two lads of eighteen dining at a table near them, and now and then they looked at mildred; he wondered if they envied him dining with a pretty girl; perhaps they were wishing they stood in his shoes. it was mildred who broke the silence.
‘what’s the good of our going away together? i’d be thinking of him all the time. it wouldn’t be much fun for you.’
‘that’s my business,’ he answered.
she thought over all his reply implicated, and she reddened.
‘but that’s just beastly.’
‘what of it?’
‘i thought you were a gentleman in every sense of the word.’
‘you were mistaken.’
his reply entertained him, and he laughed as he said it.
‘for god’s sake don’t laugh,’ she cried. ‘i can’t come away with you, philip. i’m awfully sorry. i know i haven’t behaved well to you, but one can’t force themselves.’
‘have you forgotten that when you were in trouble i did everything for you? i planked out the money to keep you till your baby was born, i paid for your doctor and everything, i paid for you to go to brighton, and i’m paying for the keep of your baby, i’m paying for your clothes, i’m paying for every stitch you’ve got on now.’
‘if you was a gentleman you wouldn’t throw what you’ve done for me in my face.’
‘oh, for goodness’ sake, shut up. what d’you suppose i care if i’m a gentleman or not? if i were a gentleman i shouldn’t waste my time with a vulgar slut like you. i don’t care a damn if you like me or not. i’m sick of being made a blasted fool of. you’re jolly well coming to paris with me on saturday or you can take the consequences.’
her cheeks were red with anger, and when she answered her voice had the hard commonness which she concealed generally by a genteel enunciation.
‘i never liked you, not from the beginning, but you forced yourself on me, i always hated it when you kissed me. i wouldn’t let you touch me now not if i was starving.’
philip tried to swallow the food on his plate, but the muscles of his throat refused to act. he gulped down something to drink and lit a cigarette. he was trembling in every part. he did not speak. he waited for her to move, but she sat in silence, staring at the white tablecloth. if they had been alone he would have flung his arms round her and kissed her passionately; he fancied the throwing back of her long white throat as he pressed upon her mouth with his lips. they passed an hour without speaking, and at last philip thought the waiter began to stare at them curiously. he called for the bill.
‘shall we go?’ he said then, in an even tone.
she did not reply, but gathered together her bag and her gloves. she put on her coat.
‘when are you seeing griffiths again?’
‘tomorrow,’ she answered indifferently.
‘you’d better talk it over with him.’
she opened her bag mechanically and saw a piece of paper in it. she took it out.
‘here’s the bill for this dress,’ she said hesitatingly.
‘what of it?’
‘i promised i’d give her the money tomorrow.’
‘did you?’
‘does that mean you won’t pay for it after having told me i could get it?’
‘it does.’
‘i’ll ask harry,’ she said, flushing quickly.
‘he’ll be glad to help you. he owes me seven pounds at the moment, and he pawned his microscope last week, because he was so broke.’
‘you needn’t think you can frighten me by that. i’m quite capable of earning my own living.’
‘it’s the best thing you can do. i don’t propose to give you a farthing more.’
she thought of her rent due on saturday and the baby’s keep, but did not say anything. they left the restaurant, and in the street philip asked her:
‘shall i call a cab for you? i’m going to take a little stroll.’
‘i haven’t got any money. i had to pay a bill this afternoon.’
‘it won’t hurt you to walk. if you want to see me tomorrow i shall be in about tea-time.’
he took off his hat and sauntered away. he looked round in a moment and saw that she was standing helplessly where he had left her, looking at the traffic. he went back and with a laugh pressed a coin into her hand.
‘here’s two bob for you to get home with.’
before she could speak he hurried away.