thursday, january 6, 1944

dearest kitty,

my longing for someone to talk to has become so unbearable that i somehow took it into my head to select peter for this role. on the few occasions when i have gone to peter's room during the day, i've always thought it was nice and cozy. but peter's too polite to show someone the door when they're bothering him, so i've never dared to stay long. i've always been afraid he'd think i was a pest. i've been looking for an excuse to linger in his room and get him talking without his noticing, and yesterday i got my chance. peter, you see, is currently going through a crossword-puzzle craze, and he doesn't do anything else all day. i was helping him, and we soon wound up sitting across from each other at his table, peter on the chair and me on the divan.

it gave me a wonderful feeling when i looked into his dark blue eyes and saw how bashful my unexpected visit had made him. i could read his innermost thoughts, and in his face i saw a look of helplessness and uncertainty as to how to behave, and at the same time a flicker of awareness of his masculinity. i saw his shyness, and i melted. i wanted to say, "tell me about yourself. look beneath my chatty exterior." but i found that it was easier to think up questions than to ask them.

the evening came to a close, and nothing happened, except that i told him about the article on blushing. not what i wrote you, of course, just that he would grow more secure as he got older. "

that night i lay in bed and cried my eyes out, all the i while making sure no one could hear me. the idea that i had to beg peter for favors was simply revolting. but people will do almost anything to satisfy their longings; take me, for example, i've made up my mind to visit peter more often and, somehow, get him to talk to me.

you mustn't think i'm in love with peter, because i'm not. if the van daans had had a daughter instead of a son, i'd have tried to make friends with her.

this morning i woke up just before seven and immediately remembered what i'd been dreaming about. i was sitting on a chair and across from me was peter. . . peter schiff. we were looking at a book of drawings by mary bos. the dream was so vivid i can even remember some of the drawings. but that wasn't all -- the dream went on. peter's eyes suddenly met mine, and i stared for a long time into those velvety brown eyes. then he said very softly, "if i'd only known, i'd have come to you long ago!" i turned abruptly away, overcome by emotion. and then i felt a soft, oh-so-cool and gentle cheek against mine, and it felt so good, so good . . .

at that point i woke up, still feeling his cheek against mine and his brown eyes staring deep into my heart, so deep that he could read how much i'd loved him and how much i still do. again my eyes filled with tears, and i was sad because i'd lost him once more, and yet at the same time glad because i knew with certainty that peter is still the only one for me. '

it's funny, but i often have such vivid images in my dreams. one night i saw grammy* [*grammy is anne's grandmother on her father's side, and grandma her grandmother on her mother's side.] so clearly that i could even make out her skin of soft, crinkly velvet. another time grandma appeared to me as a guardian angel. after that it was hanneli, who still symbolizes to me the suffering of my friends as well as that of jews in general, so that when i'm praying for her, i'm also praying for all the jews and all those in need.

and now peter, my dearest peter. i've never had such a clear mental image of him. i don't need a photograph, i can see him oh so well.

yours, anne