thursday, january 6, 1944

dearest kitty,

today i have two things to confess. it's going to take a long time, but i have to tell them to someone, and you're the most likely candidate, since i know you'll keep a secret, no matter what happens.

the first is about mother. as you know, i've frequently complained about her and then tried my best to be nice. i've suddenly realized what's wrong with her. mother has said that she sees us more as friends than as daughters. that's all very nice, of course, except that a friend can't take the place of a mother. i need my mother to set a good example and be a person i can respect, but in most matters she's an example of what not to do. i have the feeling that margot thinks so differently about these things that she'd never be able to understand what i've just told you. and father avoids all conversations having to do with mother.

i imagine a mother as a woman who, first and foremost, possesses a great deal of tact, especially toward her adolescent children, and not one who, like momsy, pokes fun at me when i cry. not because i'm in pain, but because of other things.

this may seem trivial, but there's one incident i've never forgiven her for. it happened one day when i had to go to the dentist. mother and margot planned to go with me and agreed i should take my bicycle. when the dentist was finished and we were back outside, margot and mother very sweetly informed me that they were going downtown to buy or look at something, i don't remember what, and of course i wanted to go along. but they said i couldn't come because i had my bike with me. tears of rage rushed to my eyes, and margot and mother began laughing at me. i was so furious that i stuck my tongue out at them, right there on the street. a little old lady happened to be passing by, and she looked terribly shocked. i rode my bike home and must have cried for hours. strangely enough, even though mother has wounded me thousands of times, this particular wound still stings whenever i think of how angry i was.

i find it difficult to confess the second one because it's about myself. i'm not prudish, kitty, and yet every time they give a blow-by-blow account of their trips to the bathroom, which they often do, my whole body rises in revolt.

yesterday i read an article on blushing by sis heyster. it was as if she'd addressed it directly to me. not that i blush easily, but the rest of the article did apply. what she basically says is that during puberty girls withdraw into themselves and begin thinking about the wondrous changes taking place in their bodies. i feel that too, which probably accounts for my recent embarrassment over margot, mother and father. on the other hand, margot is a lot shyer than i am, and yet she's not in the least embarrassed.

i think that what's happening to me is so wonderful, and i don't just mean the changes taking place on the outside of my body, but also those on the inside. i never discuss myself or any of these things with others, which is why i have to talk about them to myself. whenever i get my period (and that's only been three times), i have the feeling that in spite of all the pain, discomfort and mess, i'm carrying around a sweet secret. so even though it's a nuisance, in a certain way i'm always looking forward to the time when i'll feel that secret inside me once again.

sis heyster also writes that girls my age feel very insecure about themselves and are just beginning to discover that they're individuals with their own ideas, thoughts and habits. i'd just turned thirteen when i came here, so i started thinking about myself and realized that i've become an "independent person" sooner than most girls. sometimes when i lie in bed at night i feel a terrible urge to touch my breasts and listen to the quiet, steady beating of my heart.

unconsciously, i had these feelings even before i came here. once when i was spending the night at jacque's, i could no longer restrain my curiosity about her body, which she'd always hidden from me and which i'd never seen. i asked her whether, as proof of our friendiship, we could touch each other's breasts. jacque refused.

i also had a terrible desire to kiss her, which i did. every time i see a female nude, such as the venus in my art history book, i go into ecstasy. sometimes i find them so exquisite i have to struggle to hold back my tears. if only i had a girlfriend!