soho! soho!

joyous syllables, in early times expressive of the delights of the chase, and even to-day carrying an echo of nights of festivity, though an echo only. how many thousand of provincials, seeing london, have been drawn to those odourous byways that thrust themselves so briskly through the staid pleasure-land of the west end—greek street, frith street, dean street, old compton street: a series of interjections breaking a dull paragraph—where they might catch the true latin temper and bear away to the smoking-rooms of country conservative clubs fulsome tales that have made soho already a legend. indeed, i know one cautious lad from yorkshire, whose creed is that you never know and you can't be too careful, who always furnishes himself with a loaded revolver when dining with a town friend in soho. i am not one to look sourly upon the simple pleasures of the poor; i do not begrudge him his concocted dish of thrills. i only mention[pg 59] this trick of his because it proves again the strange resurrective powers of an oft-buried lie. you may sweep, you may garnish soho if you will; but the scent of adventure will hang round it still.

but to-day the scent is very faint. the streets that once rang with laughter and prodigal talk are in a.d. 1917 charged with gloom; their gentle noise is pitched in the minor key. these morsels of the south, shovelled into the swart melancholies of central london, have lost their happy summer tone. charing cross road was always a streak of misery, but, on the most leaden day, its side streets gave an impression of light. lord knows whence came the light. not from the skies. perhaps from the indolently vivacious loungers; perhaps from the flower-boxes on the window-sills, or the variegated shops bowered with pendant polonies, in rainbow wrappings of tinfoil, and flasks of chianti. one always walked down old compton street with a lilt, as to some carnival tune. nothing mattered. there were macaroni and spaghetti to eat, and chianti to drink; dishes of ravioli; cigars at a halfpenny a time and cigarettes at six a penny; copies of frivolous comic-papers; and delicate glasses of lire, a liqueur that carried you at the first sip to the[pg 60] green-hued mediterranean. the very smell of the place was the smell of those lovable little towns of the midi.

but all is now changed. gone are the shilling tables-d'h?te and their ravishing dishes. gone is the pint of vin ordinaire at tenpence. will they ever come again, those gigantic, lamp-lit evenings, those homeric bob's-worths of hors-d'?uvre, soup, omelette, chicken, cheese and coffee? shall we ever again cross oxford street to the old german quarter and drink their excellent pilsener and munchner, in heartening steins, and eat their leber-wurst sandwiches, and smoke their long, thin cigars? or seat ourselves in the schweitzerhof, where four wonderful dishes were placed before you at a cost of tenpence by some dastard spy, in the pay of that invisible-cloak artist, the english bolo?—who doubtless reported to berlin our conversation about phyllis monkman's hair and billy merson's technique. nay, i think not. the blight of civilization is upon soho. many once cosy and memorable cafés are closed. other places have altered their note and become uncomfortably english; while those that retain their atmosphere and their customers have considerably changed their menu and cuisine. one-and-ninepence is the [pg 61]lowest charge for a table-d'h?te—and pretty poor hunting at that. the old elaborate half-crown dinners are now less elaborate and cost four shillings. and the wine-lists—well, wouldn't they knock poor omar off his perch? i don't know who bought omar's drinks, or whether he paid for his own, but if he lived in soho to-day he'd have a pretty thin time either way—unless the factory price for tents had increased in proportion with other things.

gone, too, is the delicious atmosphere of laisser-faire that made soho a refreshment of the soul for the visitors from streatham and ealing. soho's patrons to-day have a furtive, guilty look about them. you see, they are trying to be happy in war-time. no more do you see in the cafés the cold-eyed anarchists and the petty bourgeois and artisans from the foreign warehouses of the locality. in their place are heavy-eyed women, placid and monosyllabic, and much khaki and horizon blue. many of the british soldiers, officers and privates, are men who have not yet been out, and are experimenting with their french among the french girls who have taken the places of the swift-footed, gestic luigi, fran?ois or alphonse; others have come from france, where they have[pg 62] discovered the piquancy of french cooking, and desire no more the solidities of the "old english" chop-house.

over all is an atmosphere of restraint. gone are the furious argument and the preposterous accord. gone are the colour and the loud lights and the evening noise. soho is marking time, until the good days return—if ever. not in 1917 do you see old compton street as a line of warm and fragrant café-windows; instead, you stumble drunkenly through a dim, murky lane, and take your chance by pushing the first black door that exudes a smell of food. gone, too, are those exotic foods that brought such zest to the jaded palate. the macaroni and spaghetti now being manufactured in london are poor substitutes for the real thing, being served in long, flat strips instead of in the graceful pipe form of other days. camembert, brie, roquefort, gruyère, port salut, strachini and other enchanting cheeses are unobtainable; and you may cry in vain for edible snails and the savoury stew of frogs' legs. true, the chinese café in regent street can furnish for the adventurous stomach such trifles as black eggs (guaranteed thirty years old), sharks' fins at seven shillings a portion, stewed seaweed, bamboo[pg 63] shoots, and sweet birds'-nests; but regent street is beyond the bounds of soho.

nevertheless, if you attend carefully, and if you are lucky, you may still catch in old compton street a faint echo of its graces and picturesque melancholy. you may still see and hear the sombre yid, the furious italian, the yodelling swiss, and the deprecating french, hanging about the dozen or so coffee-bars that have appeared since 1914. a few of these places existed in certain corners of london long before that date, but it is only lately that the londoner has discovered them and called for more. the londoner—i offer this fact to all students of national traits—must always lean when taking his refreshment. certain gay and festive gentlemen, who constitute an instrument of order called the central control board, forbid him to lean in those places where, of old, he was accustomed to lean; at any rate, he is only allowed to lean during certain defined hours. you might think that he would have gladly availed himself of this opportunity for resting awhile by sitting at a marble-topped table and drinking coffee or tea, or—horrid thought!—cocoa. but no; he isn't happy unless he leans over his refreshment; and the café-bar has [pg 64]supplied his demands. there is something in leaning against a bar which entirely changes one's outlook. you may sit at a table and drink whisky-and-soda, and yet not achieve a tithe of the expansiveness that is yours when you are leaning against a bar and drinking dispiriting stuff like coffee or sirop. maybe the physical attitude reacts on the mind, and tightens up certain cords or sinews, or eases the blood-pressure; anyway, fears, doubts, and cautions seem to vanish in these little corners of france, and momentarily the old animation of soho returns.

in these places you may perchance yet capture for a fleeting space the will-o'-the-wisperie of other days: movement and festal colour; laughter and quick tears; the warm jest and the darkling mystery that epitomize the city of all cities; and the wanton, rose-winged graces that flutter about the fair head of m'selle lolotte, as she hands you your café nature and an april smile for sweetening, carry to you a breath of the glitter and spaciousness of old time. you do not know lolotte, perhaps! thousand commiserations, m'sieu! what damage! is lolotte lovely and delicate? but of a loveliness of the most ravishing! the shining hair and the eyes of the most disturbing![pg 65] lolotte is in direct descent from mimi pinson, half angel and half puss.

soldiers of all the allied armies gather about her crescent-shaped bar after half-past nine of an evening. the floor is sawdusted. the counter is sloppy with overflows of coffee. lips and nose receive from the air that bitter tang derived only from the smoke of maryland tobacco. the varied uniforms of the patrons make a harmony of debonair gaiety with the many-coloured bottles of cordials and sirops.

"pardon, m'sieu!" cries the poilu, as he accidentally jogs the arm by which sergeant michael cassidy is raising his coffee-cup.

"oh, sarner fairy hang, mossoo! moselle, donnay mwaw urn granny dean."

"m'sieu parle fran?ais, alors?"

"ah, oui. jer parle urn purr."

and another supporting column is added to the structure of the entente.

over in the corner stands a little fat fellow. that corner belongs to him by right of three years' occupation. he is 'ockington from a nearby printing works. ask 'ockington what he thinks about these 'ere coffee-bars.

"ah," he'll say, "i like these frenchified [pg 66]caffies. grand idea, if you ask me. makes yeh feel as though you was abroad-like. gives yeh that lazy-fare feelin'. i bin abroad, y'know. dessay you 'ave, too, shouldn't wonder. i don't blame yeh. see what yeh can while yeh can, 'ats what i say. my young sid went over to paris one bang koliday, 'fore the war, an' he come back as different again. yerce, i'm all fer the french caffies, i am. nicely got up, i think. good meoggerny counter; and this floor and the walls—all done in that what-d'ye call it—mosey-ac. what i alwis say is this: the french is a gay nation. gay. and you feel it 'ere, doncher? sort of cheers you up, like, if yer know what i mean, to drop in 'ere for a minute or two.... year or two ago, now, after a rush job at the works, i used to stop at a coffee-stall on me way 'ome late at night, an' 'ave a penny cup o' swipes—yerce, an' glad of it. but the difference in the stuff they give yer 'ere—don't it drink lovely and smooth?"

then his monologue is interrupted by the electric piano, which some one has fed with pennies; and your ear is charmed or tortured by the latest revue music or old favourites from paris and naples—"marguerite," "sous les ponts de[pg 67] paris," "monaco," the tripoli march. if you appear interested in the piano, whose voice lolotte loves, she will offer to toss you for the next penn'orth. never does she lose. she wins by the simple trick of snatching your penny away the moment you lift your hand from it, and gurgling delightedly at your discomfiture.

no wonder the coffee-bar has become such a feature of london life in this time of war. leaning, in lolotte's bar, is a real and not a forced pleasure. in the old days one could lean and absorb the drink of one's choice; but amid what company and with what service! who could possibly desire to exchange fatigued inanities with the vacuous vulgarities who administer the ordinary london bar; who seem, like telephone girls, to have taken lessons from some insane teacher of elocution, with their "nooh riarly?" expressive of incredulity; and their "is yewers a scartch, mr. iggulden?" but in lolotte's bar, talk is bright, sometimes distinctly clever, and one lingers over one's coffee, chaffering with her for—well, ask 'ockington how long he stays.

but lolotte is not always gay. sometimes she will tell you stories of paris. there is a terrible story which she tells when she is feeling triste.[pg 68] it is the story of a girl friend of hers with whom she worked in paris. the girl grew ill; lost her work; and earned her living by the only possible means, until she grew too ill for that. one night lolotte met her wearily walking the streets. she had been without food for two days, and had that morning been turned from her lodging. suddenly, as they passed a florist's, she darted through its doors and inquired the price of some opulent blooms at the further end of the shop. the shop-man turned towards them, and, as he turned, she dexterously snatched a bunch of white violets from a vase on the counter. the price of the orchids, she decided, was too high, and she came out.

lolotte, who had seen the trick from the doorway, inquired the reason for the theft. and the answer was:

"eh, bien; il faut avoir quelquechose quand on va rencontrer le bon dieu."

two days later her body, with a bunch of white violets fastened at the neck, was recovered from the seine.

out of town

it was an empty day, in the early part of the year, and i was its very idle singer; so idle that i was beginning to wonder whether there would be any sunday dinner for me. i took stock of my possessions in coin, and found one-and-ten-pence-halfpenny. was i downhearted? yes. but i didn't worry, for when things are at their worst, my habit is always to fold my hands and trust. something always happens.

something happened on this occasion: a double knock at the door and a telegram. it was from the most enlightened london publisher, whose firm has done so much in the way of encouraging young writers, and it asked me to call at once. i did so.

"like to go to monte carlo?" he asked.

when i had recovered from the swoon, i begged him to ask another.

"here's an american millionaire," he said,[pg 70] "writing from monte carlo. he wants to write a book, and he wants some assistance. how would it suit you?"

i said it would suit me like a savile row outfit of clothes.

"when can you go?"

"any old time."

"right. you'd better wire him, and tell him i told you to. don't let yourself go cheap. good-bye."

i didn't fall on his neck in an outburst of gratitude: he wouldn't have liked it. but i yodelled and chirruped all the way to the nearest post-office, having touched a friend for ten shillings on the strength of the stunt. all that day and the next, telegrams passed between monte carlo and balham. i asked a noble salary and expenses, and a wire came back: "start at once." i replied: "no money." ten pounds were delivered at my doorstep next morning, with the repeated message "start at once."

but starting at once, in war-time, was not so easily done. there was a passport to get. that meant three days' lounging in a little wooden hut in the yard of the foreign office. having got the passport, i spent four hours in a queue[pg 71] outside the french consulate before i could get it visé. six days after the first telegram, i stood shivering on victoria station at seven o'clock of a cadaverous january morning. having been well and truly searched in another little hut, and having kissed the book, and sworn full-flavoured oaths about correspondence, and thought of a number, and added four to it, i was allowed to board the train.

half the british army was on that train, and mr. jerome k. jerome and myself were the only civilians in our carriage. you will rightly guess that it was a lively journey. i had always wondered, in peace-time, why the jew's-harp was invented. i understand now. in the histories of this war, the jew's-harp will take as romantic a place as the pipes of lucknow or the drums of oude in the histories of other wars.

at folkestone there were more searchings, more stamping of passports, more papers and "permissions" to bulk one's pocket and perplex one's mind. on the boat, standing-room only, and when a gestic stewardess sought seats for a fond mother and five little ones in the ladies' saloon, she found all places occupied by khaki figures stretched at full length.

[pg 72]

"seulement les dames!" she cried, pointing to a notice over the door.

"aha, madame!" said a stalwart australian, "mais c'est la guerre!" in other words "aubrey llewellyn coventry fell to you!"

yes, it was war; and it was tactfully suggested to us by the crew, for, when we were clear of folkestone harbour, all boats were slung out, and lifeboats were placed in tragic heaps on either side. it was a cold, angry sea, and stewards and stewardesses became aggressively prophetic about the fine crossing that we were to have. germany had a few days before declared her first blockade of the english coast, and every speck on the sea became dreadfully portentous. at mid-channel a destroyer stood in to us and ran up a stream of signals.

"this is it," chortled a cockney, between violent trips to the side; "this is it! now we're for it!"

next moment i got a push in the back, and i thought it had come. but it was the elbow of one of the crew who had rushed forward, and was sorting bits of bunting from an impossibly tangled heap at my side. in about two seconds, he found what he wanted and hauled at a rope. up[pg 73] went what looked like a patchwork counterpane, until the breeze caught it, when it became a string of shapes and colours, straining deliriously against its fastenings. then down it came; then up again; then down; then up; then down; and that was the end of that conversation. i don't know what it signified, but half an hour later we were in boulogne harbour.

more comic business with papers; then to the train. yes, it was war. the bridge over the oise had not then been repaired; so we crawled to paris by an absurdly crab-like route. we left boulogne just after twelve. we reached paris at ten o'clock at night. there was no food on the train, and from six o'clock that morning, when i had had a swift cup of tea, until nearly midnight i got nothing in the way of refreshment. but who cared? i was going south to meet an american millionaire, and i had money in my pocket.

i arrived at paris too late to connect with that night's p.l.m. express, so i had twenty-four hours to kill. i strolled idly about, and found paris very little changed. there was an air about the people of irritation, of questioning, of petulant suffering; they had a manner expressive[pg 74] of "a quoi bon?" somebody in high quarters had brought this thing upon them. somebody in high quarters might rescue them from its evils—or might not. they moved like stricken animals, their habitual melancholy, which is often unnoticed because it is overlaid with vivacity, now permanently in possession.

i caught the night express to monte carlo. our carriage contained eight sombre people, and the corridors were strewn with sleep-stupid soldiers. i was one sardine among many, and, with a twenty-seven-hour journey before me in this overheated, hermetically sealed sardine-tin, i began to think what a fool i had been to make this absurd journey to a place that was strange to me; to meet a millionaire about whom i knew nothing, and who might have changed his mind, millionaire-fashion, and left monte carlo by the time i got there; and to undertake a job which i might find, on examination, was beyond me.

then, with a french girl's head on one shoulder, and my other twisted at an impossible angle into the window-frame, i went to sleep and awoke at lyons, with a horrible headache and an unbearable mouth, the result of the boiling and over-spiced soup i had swallowed the night before. i[pg 75] think we all hated each other. it was impossible to wash or arrange oneself decently, and again there was no food on the train. but, as only the latin mind can, we made the best of it and pretended that it was funny. girls and men, complete strangers, drooped in abandonment against one another, or reclined on unknown necks. a young married couple behaved in a way that at other times would have meant a divorce. the husband rested his sagging head on the bosom of a stout matron, and a poilu stretched a rug across his knees and made a comfortable pillow for the little wife. n'importe. c'était la guerre.

on the platform at lyons were groups of french red cross girls with wagons of coffee. this coffee was for the soldiers, but they handed it round impartially to civilians and soldiers alike, and those who cared could drop a few sous into the collecting basin. that coffee was the sweetest draught i had ever swallowed.

at marseilles it was bright morning, and i was lucky enough to get a pannier, at a trifling cost of seven francs. these panniers are no meal for a hungry man. they contain a bone of chicken, a scrap of ham, a corner of gruyère, a stick of bread (that surely was made by the firm[pg 76] that put the sand in sandwich), a half-bottle of sour white wine, a bottle of the eternal vichy, old uncle tom cobleigh and all.

i had just finished it when we rolled into toulon, and there i got my first glimpse of the true, warm south. i suffered a curious sense of "coming home." i had not known it, but all my childish dreams must have had for their background this coloured south, for, the moment it spread itself before me, bits of verdi melodies ran through my heart and brain and i danced a double-shuffle. since i was old enough to handle a fiddle, all music has interpreted itself to me in a visualization of blue seas, white coasts, green palms with lemon and nectarine dancing through them, and noisy, sun-bright towns, and swart faces and languorous and joyfully dirty people. the keenest sense of being at home came later, when, at monte carlo, i met giacomo puccini, the hero of my young days, whose music had illumined so many dark moments of my city slavery; who is in the direct line of succession from verdi.

this first visit to monte carlo showed me monte carlo as she never was before. half the hotels were closed or turned into hospitals, since[pg 77] all the german hotel-staffs had been packed home. in other times it would have been "the season," but now there was everywhere a sense of emptiness. wounded british and french officers paraded the terrace; disabled blacks from algeria were on every hotel verandah or wandering aimlessly about the hilly streets with a sad air of being lost. the casino was open, but it closed at eleven, and all the cafés closed with it; the former happy night-life had been nipped off short. at midnight the place was dead.

i was accommodated at an italian pension in beausoleil, which, in peace-times, was patronized by music-hall artists working the beausoleil casino. the casino had been turned into a barracks, but one or two italian danseuses from the cabarets of san remo were taking a brief rest, so that the days were less tiresome than they might have been. my millionaire was a charming man, who used my services but a few hours each day. then i could dally with the sunshine and the chianti and the breaking seas about the condamine.

when i next want a cheap holiday i shan't go to brighton, or eastbourne, or cromer; i shall go to monte carlo. the dear italian mama who kept the pension treated me like a prince for[pg 78] thirty-five francs a week. i had a large bedroom, with four windows looking to the alpes maritimes, and a huge, downy french bed; i had coffee and roll in the morning; a four-course lunch of italian dishes, with a bottle of chianti or barolo; and a five-course dinner, again with a bottle. those meals were the most delightful i have ever taken. the windows of the dining-room were flung wide to the mediterranean, and between courses we could bask on the verandah while one of the girls would touch the guitar, the mandolin, or the accordion (sometimes we had all three going at once), in effervescent neapolitan melody. my contribution to these meal-time entertainments was an english song of which they never tired: "the man that broke the bank at monte carr-rr-lo!" sometimes it was demanded five or six times in an evening. immediately i arrived i was properly embraced and kissed by mama and the three girls, and these rapturous kisses seemed to be part of the etiquette of the establishment, for they happened every morning and after all meals. m'selle lola was allotted to me; a blonde italian, afire with mischief and loving-kindness and little delicacies of affection.

on the third day of my visit i met a kindred[pg 79] soul, the wireless operator from the prince of monaco's yacht, l'hirondelle, which was lying in the harbour on loan to the french government. he was a bright youth; had been many times on long cruises with the yacht, and spoke english which was as good as my french was bad. we had some delightful "noces" together, and it was in his company that i met and had talks with caruso at the café de paris. an opera season was running at the casino, and on opera nights the café remained open until a little past midnight. after the evening's work caruso would drop into the café and talk with everybody. his na?ve gratification when i told him how i had saved money for weeks, and had waited hours at the gallery door of covent garden to hear him sing, was delightful to witness. prince george of serbia was also there, recuperating; but though the terrace at mid-day was crowded and pleasantly bright, i was told that against the terrace in the old seasons it was miserably dull.

on ordinary nights, when we felt still fresh at eleven o'clock, we would take a car to mentone, cross the frontier into italy (which was not then at war), and spend a few cheery hours at bordighera or san remo, which were nightless. then[pg 80] back to monte carlo at about five, to bed, and up again at nine, with no feeling of fatigue. it was curious to note how, under that sharp sunshine and keen night sky, all moral values were changed, or wholly obliterated. the first breath of the youthful company at the pension blew all london cobwebs away. it was all so abandoned, yet so sweet and wholesome; and, by contrast, the english seaside resort, where the girls play at "letting themselves go," was a crude and shameful farce. whatever happened at monaco seemed to be right; nothing was wrong except frigidity and unkindness.

my dear italian mama said to me one evening at dinner, when i had (in the english sense) disgraced myself by a remark straight from the heart:—

"m'sieu thomas, on m'a dit que les anglais ont froid. c'est pas vrai!"

no, dear mamina; but it was true before i stayed at the pension poggio at beausoleil.

my work with the millionaire spread itself over two months; then, with a fat wad, i was free to return. it was not until i went to the consulate to get my passport visé that i discovered how many war-time laws of france i had broken.[pg 81] i had not registered myself on arrival; i had not reported myself periodically; and i had not obtained a permis de séjour. the consul informed me cheerfully that heaps of trouble would be waiting for me when i went to the mairie to get my laissez-passer, without which i could not buy a railway ticket. however, after being stood in a corner for two hours until all other travellers had received attention, a laissez-passer was thrown at me on my undertaking to leave monte carlo that night. a gendarme accompanied me to the station to see that i did so.

at paris, a few hours spent with the police, the military, h?tel-de-ville, and the british consulate resulted in permission to kick my heels there for a day or so.

a few mornings later arrived the millionaire's precious ms., which i had left behind so that he might revise it, with a message to hustle. i hustled. i reached london the same night. next morning i negotiated with a publisher. in two days it was in the printer's hands and in a fortnight it was in the bookshops; and i was again out of a job.