thursday 9 february

9st 2 (extra fat presumably caused by winter whale blubber), alcohol units 4, cigarettes 12 (v.g.), calories 2845 (v. cold).

9 p.m. v. much enjoying the winter wonderland and reminder that we are at the mercy of the elements, and should not concentrate so hard on being sophisticated or hardworking but on staying warm and watching the telly.

this is the third time i have called mum and dad this week and got no reply. maybe the gables has been cut off by the snow? in desperation, i pick up the phone and dial my brother jamie's number in manchester, only to get one of his hilarious answerphone messages: the sound of run?ning water and jamie pretending to be president clinton in the white house, then a toilet flushing and his pathetic girlfriend tittering in the background.

9.15 p.m. just called mum and dad three times in a row, letting it ring twenty times each time. eventually mum picked it up sounding odd and saying she couldn't talk now but would call me at the weekend.

saturday 11 february

8st 13, alcohol units 4, cigarettes 18, calories 1467(but burnt off by shopping)

just got home from shopping to message from my dad asking if i would meet him for lunch on sunday. i went hot and cold. my dad does not come up to london to have lunch with me on his own on sundays. he has roast beef, or salmon and new potatoes, at home with mum.

'don't ring back,' the message said. 'i'll just see you tomorrow.'

what's going on? i went round the corner, shaking, for some silk cut. got back to find message from mum. she too is coming to see me for lunch tomorrow, apparently?. she'll bring a piece of salmon with her, and will be here about 1 o'clock.

rang jamie again and got 20 seconds of bruce springs?teen and then jamie growling, 'baby, i was born to run . . . out of time on the answerphone.'

sunday 12 february

8st 13, alcohol units 5, cigarettes 23 (hardly surprising), calories 1647.

11 a.m. oh god, i can't have them both arriving at the same time. it is too brian rix for words. maybe the whole lunch thing is just a parental practical joke brought on by over-exposure of my parents to noel edmonds, popular television and similar. perhaps my mother will arrive with a live salmon flipping skittishly on a lead and announce that she is leaving dad for it. maybe dad will appear hanging upside-down outside the window dressed as a morris dancer, crash in and start hitting mum over the bead with a sheep's bladder; or suddenly fall face downwards out of the airing cupboard with a plastic knife stuck in his back. the only thing which can possibly get everything back on course is a bloody mary. it's nearly the afternoon, after all.

12.05 p.m. mum called. 'let him come then,' she said. 'let him bloody well have his own way as usual.' (my mum does not swear. she says things like 'ruddy' and 'oh my godfathers'.) 'i'll be all right on my bloody own. i'll just clean the house like germaine sodding greer and the invisible woman.' (could she possibly, conceivably, have been drunk? my mum has drunk nothing but a single cream sherry on a sunday night since 1952, when she got slightly tipsy on a pint of cider at mavis enderby's twenty-first and has never let herself or anyone else forget it. 'there's nothing worse than a woman drunk, darling.')

'mum. no. couldn't we all talk this through together over lunch?' i said, as if this were sleepless in seattle and lunch was going to end up with mum and dad holding hands and me winking cutely at the camera, wearing a luminous rucksack.

'just you wait,' she said darkly. 'you'll find out what men are like.'

'but i already . . . ' i began.'

'i'm going out, darling,' she said. i'm going out to get laid.'

at 2 o'clock dad arrived at the door with a neatly folded copy of the sunday telegraph. as he sat down on the sofa, his face crumpled and tears began to splosh down his cheeks.

'she's been like this since she went to albufeira with una alconbury and audrey coles,' he sobbed, trying to wipe his cheek with his fist. 'when she got back she started saying she wanted to be paid for doing the housework, and she'd wasted her life being our slave.' (our slave? i knew it. this is all my fault. if i were a better person, mum would not have stopped loving dad.) 'she wants me to move out for a while, she says, and . . . and. . . . ' he collapsed in quiet sobs.

'and what, dad?'

'she said i thought the clitoris was something from nigel coles's lepidoptery collection.'