wednesday 4 january

9st 5 (state of emergency now as if fat has been stored in capsule form over christmas and is being slowly released under skin), alcohol units 5 (better), cigarettes 20, calories 700 (v.g.)

4 p.m. office. state of emergency. jude just rang up from her portable phone in flood of tears, and eventually man?aged to explain, in a sheep's voice, that she had just had to excuse herself from a board meeting (jude is head of futures at brightlings) as she was about to burst into tears and was now trapped in the ladies' with alice cooper eyes and no make-up bag. her boyfriend, vile richard (self-?indulgent commitment phobic), whom she has been seeing on and off for eighteen months, had chucked her for asking him if he wanted to come on holiday with her. typical, but jude naturally was blaming it all on herself.

'i'm co-dependent. i asked for too much to satisfy my own neediness rather than need. oh, if only i could turn back the clock.'

i immediately called sharon and an emergency summit has been scheduled for 6.30 in café rouge. i hope i can get away without bloody perpetua kicking up.

11 p.m. strident evening. sharon immediately launched into her theory on the richard situation: 'emotional fuck?wittage', which is spreading like wildfire among men over thirty. as women glide from their twenties to thirties, shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying alone and being found three weeks later half-eaten by an alsatian. stereotypical notions of shelves, spinning wheels and sexual scrapheaps cons ire to make you feel stupid, no matter how much time you spend thinking about joanna lumley and susan sarandon.

'and men like richard,' fumed sharon, 'play on the chink in the armour to wriggle out of commitment, maturity, honour and the natural progression of things between a man and a woman.'

by this time jude and i were going, 'shhh, shhh,' out of the corners of our mouths and sinking down into our coats. after all, there is nothing so unattractive to a man as strident feminism.

'how dare he say you were getting too serious by asking to go on holiday with him?' yelled sharon. 'what is he talking about?'

thinking moonily about daniel cleaver, i ventured that not all men are like richard. at which point sharon started on a long illustrative list of emotional fuckwittage in progress amongst our friends: one whose boyfriend of thirteen years refuses even to discuss living together; another who went out with a man four times who then chucked her because it was getting too serious; another who was pursued by a bloke for three months with impas?sioned proposals of marriage, only to find him ducking out three weeks after she succumbed and repeating the whole process with her best friend.

'we women are only vulnerable because we are a pioneer generation daring to refuse to compromise in love and relying on our own economic power. in twenty years' time men won't even dare start with fuckwitt?age because we will just laugh in their faces,' bellowed sharon.

at this point alex walker, who works in sharon's company, strolled in with a stunning blonde who was about eight times as attractive as him. he ambled over to us to say hi.

'is this your new girlfriend?' asked sharon.

'well. huh. you know, she thinks she is, but we're not going out, we're just sleeping together. i ought to stop it really, but, well . . .' he said, smugly.

'oh, that is just such crap, you cowardly, dysfunctional little schmuck. right. i'm going to talk to that woman,' said sharon, getting up. jude and i forcibly restrained her while alex, looking panic-stricken, rushed back, to con?tinue his fuckwittage unrumbled.

eventually the three of us worked out a strategy for jude. she must stop beating herself over the head with women who love too much and instead think more towards men are from mars, women are from venus, winch will help her to see richard's behaviour less as a sign that she is co-dependent and loving too much and more in the light of him being like a martian rubber band which needs to stretch away in order to come back.

'yes, but does that mean i should call him or not?' said jude.

'no,' said sharon just as i was saying, 'yes.'

after jude had gone because she has to get up at 5.45 to go to the gym and see her personal shopper before work starts at 8.30 (mad) — sharon and i were suddenly filled with remorse and self-loathing for not advising jude simply to get rid of vile richard because he is vile. but then, as sharon pointed out, last time we did that they got back together and she told him everything we'd said in a fit of reconcilatory confession and now it is crip?plingly embarrassing every time we see him and he thinks we are the bitch queens from hell — which, as jude points out, is a misapprehension because, although we have discovered our inner bitches, we have not yet unlocked them.