i cannot bear a gun.

“timidity is generally reckoned an essential attribute of the fair sex, and this absurd notion gives rise to more false starts than a race for the leger. hence screams at mice, fits at spiders, faces at toads, jumps at lizards, flights from daddy longlegs, panics at wasps, sauve qui peut at sight of a gun. surely, when the military exercise is made a branch of education at so many ladies’ academies, the use of the musket would only be a judicious step further in the march of mind. i should not despair, in a month’s practice, of making the most timid british female fond of small-arms.”—hints by a corporal.

it can’t be minced, i’m quite convinced

all girls are full of flam,

their feelings fine and feminine

are nothing else but sham.

on all their tricks i need not fix,

i’ll only mention one,

how many a miss will tell you this,

“i cannot bear a gun!”

[pg 253]

there’s cousin bell can’t ’bide the smell

of powder—horrid stuff!

a single pop will make her drop,

she shudders at a puff.

my manton near, with aspen fear

will make her scream and run:

“it’s always so, you brute, you know

i cannot bear a gun!”

about my flask i must not ask,

i must not wear a belt,

i must not take a punch to make

my pellets, card or felt;

and if i just allude to dust,

or speak of number one,

“i beg you’ll not—don’t talk of shot,

i cannot bear a gun!”

percussion cap i dare not snap,

i may not mention hall,

or raise my voice for mr. joyce,

his wadding to recall;

at hawker’s book i must not look,

all shooting i must shun,

or else—“it’s hard, you’ve no regard,

i cannot bear a gun!”

the very dress i wear no less

must suit her timid mind,

a blue or black must clothe my back,

with swallow-tails behind;

by fustian, jean, or velveteen,

her nerves are overdone:

“oh do not, john, put gaiters on,

i cannot bear a gun!”

[pg 254]

e’en little james she snubs, and blames

his liliputian train,

two inches each from mouth to breach,

and charged with half a grain—

his crackers stopp’d, his squibbing dropp’d.

he has no fiery fun,

and all thro’ her “how dare you, sir?

i cannot bear a gun!”

“james’s powder.”

yet major flint,—the devil’s in’t!

may talk from morn to night,

of springing mines, and twelves and nines,

and volleys left and right,

of voltigeurs and tirailleurs,

and bullets by the ton:

she never dies of fright, or cries

“i cannot bear a gun!”

[pg 255]

it stirs my bile to see her smile

at all his bang and whiz,

but if i talk of morning walk,

and shots as good as his,

i must not name the fallen game:

as soon as i’ve begun,

she’s in her pout, and crying out,

“i cannot bear a gun!”

yet, underneath the rose, her teeth

are false, to match her tongue:

grouse, partridge, hares, she never spares,

or pheasants, old or young—

on widgeon, teal, she makes a meal,

and yet objects to none:

“what have i got, it’s full of shot!

i cannot bear a gun!”

at pigeon-pie she is not shy,

her taste it never shocks,

though they should be from battersea,

so famous for blue rocks;

yet when i bring the very thing

my marksmanship has won,

she cries “lock up that horrid cup,

i cannot bear a gun!”

like fool and dunce i got her once

a box at drury lane,

and by her side i felt a pride

i ne’er shall feel again:

to read the bill it made her ill,

and this excuse she spun,

“der freyschütz, oh, seven shots; you know,

i cannot bear a gun!”

[pg 256]

yet at a hint from major flint,

her very hands she rubs,

and quickly drest in all her best,

is off to wormwood scrubbs.

the whole review she sits it through,

with noise enough to stun,

and never winks, or even thinks,

“i cannot bear a gun!”

woolwich warren.

she thus may blind the major’s mind

in mock-heroic strife,

but let a bout at war break out,

and where’s the soldier’s wife,

to take his kit and march a bit

beneath a broiling sun?

or will she cry, “my dear, good-bye,

i cannot bear a gun?”

[pg 257]

if thus she doats on army coats,

and regimental cuffs,

the yeomanry might surely be

secure from her rebuffs;

but when i don my trappings on,

to follow captain dunn,

my carbine’s gleam provokes a scream,

“i cannot bear a gun.”

it can’t be minced, i’m quite convinced,

all girls are full of flam,

their feelings fine, and feminine,

are nothing else but sham;

on all their tricks i need not fix,

i’ll only mention one,

how many a miss will tell you this,

“i cannot bear a gun!”

trimmer’s exercise,

for the use of children.

here, come, master timothy todd,

before we have done you’ll look grimmer,

you’ve been spelling some time for the rod,

and your jacket shall know i’m a trimmer.

you don’t know your a from your b,

so backward you are in your primer;

don’t kneel—you shall go on my knee,

for i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

this morning you hinder’d the cook,

by melting your dumps in the skimmer;

instead of attending your book,—

but i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

[pg 258]

to-day, too, you went to the pond,

and bathed, though you are not a swimmer:

and with parents so doting and fond—

but i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

after dinner you went to the wine,

and help’d yourself—yes, to a brimmer;

you couldn’t walk straight in a line,

but i’ll make you to know i’m a trimmer.

fancy portrait—mrs. trimmer.

you kick little tomkins about,

because he is slighter and slimmer;

are the weak to be thump’d by the stout?

but i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

then you have a sly pilfering trick,

your school-fellows call you the nimmer,—

i will cut to the bone if you kick!

for i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

[pg 259]

to-day you made game at my back:

you think that my eyes are grown dimmer,

but i watch’d you, i’ve got a sly knack!

and i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

don’t think that my temper is hot,

it’s never beyond a slow simmer;

i’ll teach you to call me dame trot,

but i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.

miss edgeworth, or mrs. chapone,

might melt to behold your tears glimmer;

mrs. barbauld would let you alone,

but i’ll have you to know i’m a trimmer.