72 eliot mansions, chelsea, s.w.
april 18.
dear edward,—i think we were wise to part. we were too unsuited to one another, and our difficulties could only have increased. the knot of marriage between two persons of differing temperaments is so intricate that it can only be cut: you may try to unravel it, and think you are succeeding, but another turn shows you that the tangle is only worse than ever. even time is powerless. some things are impossible; you cannot heap water up like stones, you cannot measure one man by another man’s rule. i am certain we were wise to separate. i see that if we had continued to live together our quarrels would have perpetually increased. it is horrible to look back upon those vulgar brawls—we wrangled like fishwives. i cannot understand how my mouth could have uttered such things.
it is very bitter to look back and compare my anticipations with what has really happened. did i expect too much from life? ah me, i only expected that my husband would love me. it is because i asked so little that i have received nothing. in this world you must ask much, you must spread your praises abroad, you must trample under-foot those who stand in your path, you must take up all the room you can or you will be elbowed away; you must be irredeemably selfish, or you will be a thing of no account, a frippery that man plays with and flings aside.
of course i expected the impossible, i was not satisfied with the conventional unity of marriage; i wanted to be really one with you. oneself is the whole world, and all other people are merely strangers. at first in my vehement desire, i used to despair because i knew you so little; i was heartbroken at the impossibility of really understanding you, of getting right down into your heart of hearts. never, to the best of my knowledge, have i seen your veritable self; you are nearly as much a stranger to me as if i had known you but an hour. i bared my soul to you, concealing nothing—there is in you a man i do not know and have never seen. we are so absolutely different, i don’t know a single thing that we have in common; often when we have been talking and fallen into silence, our thoughts, starting from the same standpoint, have travelled in contrary directions, and on speaking again, we found how widely they had diverged. i hoped to know you to the bottom of your soul. oh, i hoped that we should be united, so as to have but one soul between us; and yet on the most commonplace occasion, i can never know your thoughts. perhaps it might have been different if we had had children; they might have formed between us a truer link, and perhaps in the delight of them i should have forgotten my impracticable dreams. but fate was against us, i come from a rotten stock. it is written in the book that the leys should depart from the sight of men, and return to their mother the earth, to be incorporated with her; and who knows in the future what may be our lot! i like to think that in the course of ages i may be the wheat on a fertile plain, or the smoke from a fire of brambles on the common. i wish i could be buried in the open fields, rather than in the grim coldness of a churchyard, so that i might anticipate the change, and return more quickly to the life of nature.
believe me, separation was the only possible outcome. i loved you too passionately to be content with the cold regard which you gave me. oh, of course i was exacting, and tyrannical, and unkind; i can confess all my faults now; my only excuse is that i was very unhappy. for all the pain i have caused you, i beg you to forgive me. we may as well part friends, and i freely forgive you for all you have made me suffer. now i can afford also to tell you how near i was to not carrying out my intention. yesterday and this morning i scarcely held back my tears; the parting seemed too hard, i felt i could not leave you. if you had asked me not to go, if you had even shown the smallest sign of regretting my departure, i think i should have broken down. yes, i can tell you now, that i would have given anything to stay. alas! i am so weak. in the train i cried bitterly. it is the first time we have been apart since our marriage, the first time that we have slept under different roofs. but now the worst is over. i have taken the step, and i shall adhere to what i have done. i am sure i have acted for the best. i see no harm in our writing to one another occasionally if it pleases you to receive letters from me. i think i had better not see you, at all events for some time. perhaps when we are both a good deal older we may, without danger, see one another now and then; but not yet. i should be afraid to see your face.
aunt polly has no suspicion. i can assure you it has been an effort to laugh and talk during the evening, and i was glad to get to my room. now it is past midnight and i am still writing to you. i felt i ought to let you know my thoughts, and i can tell them more easily by letter than by word of mouth. does it not show how separated in heart we have become, that i should hesitate to say to you what i think—and i had hoped to have my heart always open to you. i fancied that i need never conceal a thing, nor hesitate to show you every emotion and every thought.—good-bye.
bertha.
72 eliot mansions, chelsea, s.w.
april 23.
my poor edward,—you say you hope i shall soon get better and come back to court leys. you misunderstand my meaning so completely that i almost laughed. it is true i was out of spirits and tired when i wrote—but that was not the reason of my letter. cannot you conceive emotions not entirely due to one’s physical condition? you cannot understand me, you never have; and yet i would not take up the vulgar and hackneyed position of a femme incomprise. there is nothing to understand about me. i am very simple and unmysterious. i only wanted love, and you could not give it me. no, our parting is final and irrevocable. what can you want me back for? you have court leys and your farms. every one likes you in the neighbourhood; i was the only bar to your complete happiness. court leys i freely give you for my life; until you came it brought in nothing, and the income now arising from it is entirely due to your efforts; you earn it and i beg you to keep it. for me the small income i have from my mother is sufficient.
aunt polly still thinks i am on a visit, and constantly speaks of you. i throw dust in her eyes, but i cannot hope to keep her in ignorance for long. at present i am engaged in periodically seeing the doctor for an imaginary ill, and getting one or two new things.
shall we write to one another once a week? i know writing is a trouble to you; but i do not wish you to forget me altogether. if you like, i will write to you every sunday, and you may answer or not as you please.
bertha.
p.s.—please do not think of any rapprochement. i am
sure you will eventually see that we are both much happier
apart.
72 eliot mansions, chelsea, s.w.
may 15.
my dear eddie,—i was pleased to get your letter. i am a little touched at your wanting to see me. you suggest coming to town—perhaps it is fortunate that i shall be no longer here. if you had expressed such a wish before, much might have gone differently.
aunt polly having let her flat to friends, goes to paris for the rest of the season. she starts to-night, and i have offered to accompany her. i am sick of london. i do not know whether she suspects anything, but i notice that now she never mentions your name. she looked a little sceptical the other day when i explained that i had long wished to go to paris, and that you were having the inside of court leys painted. fortunately, however, she makes it a practice not to inquire into other people’s business, and i can rest assured that she will never ask me a single question.
forgive the shortness of this letter, but i am very busy, packing.—your affectionate wife,
bertha.
41 rue des ecoliers, paris,
may 16.
my dearest eddie,—i have been unkind to you. it is nice of you to want to see me, and my repugnance to it was perhaps unnatural. on thinking it over, i cannot think it will do any harm if we should see one another. of course, i can never come back to court leys—there are some chains that having broken you can never weld together; and no fetters are so intolerable as the fetters of love. but if you want to see me i will put no obstacle in your way; i will not deny that i also should like to see you. i am farther away now, but if you care for me at all you will not hesitate to make the short journey.
we have here a very nice apartment, in the latin quarter, away from the rich people and the tourists. i do not know which is more vulgar, the average tripper or the part of paris which he infests: i must say they become one another to a nicety. i loathe the shoddiness of the boulevards, with their gaudy cafés over-gilt and over-sumptuous, and their crowds of ill-dressed foreigners. but if you come i can show you a different paris—a restful and old-fashioned paris, theatres to which tourists do not go; gardens full of pretty children and nursemaids with long ribbons to their caps. i can take you down innumerable gray streets with funny shops, in old churches where you see people actually praying; and it is all very quiet and calming to the nerves. and i can take you to the louvre at hours when there are few visitors, and show you beautiful pictures and statues that have come from italy and greece, where the gods have their home to this day. come, eddie.—your ever loving wife,
bertha.
41 rue des ecoliers, paris,
may 25.
my dearest eddie,—i am disappointed that you will not come. i should have thought, if you wanted to see me, you could have found time to leave the farms for a few days. but perhaps it is really better that we should not meet. i cannot conceal from you that sometimes i long for you dreadfully. i forget all that has happened, and desire with all my heart to be with you once more. what a fool i am! i know that we can never meet again, and you are never absent from my thoughts. i look forward to your letters almost madly, and your handwriting makes my heart beat as if i were a schoolgirl. oh, you don’t know how your letters disappoint me, they are so cold; you never say what i want you to say. it would be madness if we came together—i can only preserve my love to you by not seeing you. does that sound horrible? and yet i would give anything to see you once more. i cannot help asking you to come here. it is not so very often i have asked you anything. do come. i will meet you at the station, and you will have no trouble or bother—everything is perfectly simple, and cook’s interpreters are everywhere. i’m sure you would enjoy yourself so much.—if you love me, come.
bertha.
court leys, blackstable, kent,
may 30.
my dearest bertha,—sorry i haven’t answered yours of 25th inst. before, but i’ve been up to my eyes in work. you wouldn’t think there could be so much to do on a farm at this time of year, unless you saw it with your own eyes. i can’t possibly get away to paris, and besides i can’t stomach the french. i don’t want to see their capital, and when i want a holiday, london’s good enough for me. you’d better come back here, people are asking after you, and the place seems all topsy-turvy without you. love to aunt p.—in haste, your affectionate husband,
e. craddock.
41 rue des ecoliers, paris,
june 1.
my dearest, dearest eddie,—you don’t know how disappointed i was to get your letter and how i longed for it. whatever you do, don’t keep me waiting so long for an answer. i imagined all sorts of things—that you were ill or dying. i was on the point of wiring. i want you to promise me that if you are ever ill, you will let me know. if you want me urgently i shall be pleased to come. but do not think that i can ever come back to court leys for good. sometimes i feel ill and weak and i long for you, but i know i must not give way. i’m sure, for your good as well as for mine, i must never risk the unhappiness of our old life again. it was too degrading. with firm mind and the utmost resolution i swear that i will never, never return to court leys.—your affectionate and loving wife,
bertha.
telegram
gare du nord, 9.50 a.m., june 2.
craddock, court leys, blackstable.
arriving 7.25 to-night.—bertha.
41 rue des ecoliers, paris.
my dear young friend,—i am perturbed. bertha, as you know, has for the last six weeks lived with me, for reasons the naturalness of which aroused my strongest suspicions. no one, i thought, would need so many absolutely conclusive motives to do so very simple a thing. i resisted the temptation to write to edward (her husband—a nice man, but stupid!) to ask for an explanation, fearing that the reasons given me were the right ones (although i could not believe it); in which case i should have made myself ridiculous. bertha in london pretended to go to a physician, but never was seen to take medicine, and i am certain no well-established specialist would venture to take two guineas from a malade imaginaire and not administer copious drugs. she accompanied me to paris, ostensibly to get dresses, but has behaved as if their fit were of no more consequence than a change of ministry. she has taken great pains to conceal her emotions and thereby made them the more conspicuous. i cannot tell you how often she has gone through the various stages from an almost hysterical elation to an equal despondency. she has mused as profoundly as was fashionable for the young ladies of fifty years ago (we were all young ladies then—not girls!); she has played tristan and isolde to the distraction of myself; she has snubbed an amorous french artist to the distraction of his wife; finally she has wept, and after weeping over-powdered her eyes, which in a pretty woman is an infallible sign of extreme mental prostration.
this morning when i got up i found at my door the following message: “don’t think me an utter fool, but i couldn’t stand another day away from edward. leaving by the 10 o’clock train.—b.” now at 10.30 she had an appointment at paquin’s to try on the most ravishing dinner-dress you could imagine.
i will not insult you by drawing inferences from all these facts: i know you would much sooner draw them yourself, and i have a sufficiently good opinion of you to be certain that they will coincide with mine.—yours very sincerely,
mary ley.
p.s.—i am sending this to await you at seville. remember
me to mrs. j.