friday, may 5, 1944

dear kitty,

father's unhappy with me. after our talk on sunday he thought i'd stop going upstairs every evening. he won't have any of that "knutscherej"* [* necking] going on. i can't stand that word. talking about it was bad enough -- why does he have to make me feel bad too! i'll have a word with him today. margot gave me some good advice.

here's more or less what i'd like to say:

i think you expect an explanation from me, father, so i'll give you one. you're disap- pointed in me, you expected more restraint from me, you no doubt want me to act the way a fourteen-year-old is supposed to. but that's where you're wrong!

since we've been here, from july 1942 until a few weeks ago, i haven't had an easy time. if only you knew how much i used to cry at night, how unhappy and despondent i was, how lonely i felt, you'd understand my wanting to go upstairs! i've now reached the point where i don't need the support of mother or anyone else. it didn't happen overnight. i've struggled long and hard and shed many tears to become as independent as i am now. you can laugh and refuse to believe me, but i don't care. i know i'm an independent person, and i don't feel i need to account to you for my actions. i'm only telling you this because i don't want you to think i'm doing things behind your back. but there's only one person i'm accountable to, and that's me.

when i was having problems, everyone -- and that includes you -- closed their eyes and ears and didn't help me. on the contrary, all i ever got were admonitions not to be so noisy. i was noisy only to keep myself from being miserable all the time. i was overconfident to keep from having to listen to the voice inside me. i've been putting on an act for the last year and a half, day in, day out. i've never complained or dropped my mask, nothing of the kind, and now. . . now the battle is over. i've won! i'm independent, in both body and mind. i don't need a mother anymore, and i've emerged from the struggle a stronger person.

now that it's over, now that i know the battle has been won, i want to go my own way, to follow the path that seems right to me. don't think of me as a fourteen-year-old, since all these troubles have made me older; i won't regret my actions, i'll behave the way i think i should!

gentle persuasion won't keep me from going upstairs. you'll either have to forbid it, or trust me through thick and thin. whatever you do, just leave me alone!

yours, anne m. fran

k