friday, april 28, 1944

dearest kitty,

i've never forgotten my dream of peter schiff (see the beginning of january). even now i can still feel his cheek against mine, and that wonderful glow that made up for all the rest. once in a while i'd had the same feeling with this peter, but never so intensely. . . until last night. we were sitting on the divan, as usual, in each other's arms. suddenly the everyday anne slipped away and the second anne took her place. the second anne, who's never overconfident or amusing, but wants only to love and be gentle.

i sat pressed against him and felt a wave of emotion come over me. tears rushed to my eyes; those from the left fell on his overalls, while those from the right trickled down my nose and into the air and landed beside the first. did he notice? he made no movement to show that he had. did he feel the same way i did? he hardly said a word. did he realize he had two annes at his side? my questions went unanswered.

at eight-thirty i stood up and went to the window, where we always say good-bye. i was still trembling, i was still anne number two. he came over to me, and i threw my arms around his neck and kissed him on his left cheek. i was about to kiss the other cheek when my mouth met his, and we pressed our lips together. in a daze, we embraced, over and over again, never to stop, oh!

peter needs tenderness. for the first time in his life he's discovered a girl; for the first time he's seen that even the biggest pests also have an inner self and a heart, and are transformed as soon as they're alone with you. for the first time in his life he's given himself and his friendship to another person. he's never had a friend before, boy or girl. now we've found each other. i, for that matter, didn't know him either, had never had someone i could confide in, and it's led to this . . .

the same question keeps nagging me: "is it right?" is it right for me to yield so soon, for me to be so passionate, to be filled with as much passion and desire as peter? can i, a girl, allow myself to go that far?

there's only one possible answer: "i'm longing so much. . . and have for such a long time. i'm so lonely and now i've found comfort!"

in the mornings we act normally, in the afternoons too, except now and then. but in the evenings the suppressed longing of the entire day, the happiness and the bliss of all the times before come rushing to the surface, and all we can think about is each other. every night, after our last kiss, i feel like running away and never looking him in the eyes again. away, far away into the darkness and alone!

and what awaits me at the bottom of those fourteen stairs? bright lights, questions and laughter. i have to act normally and hope they don't notice anything.

my heart is still too tender to be able to recover so quickly from a shock like the one i had last night. the gentle anne makes infrequent appearances, and she's not about to let herself be shoved out the door so soon after she's arrived. peter's reached a part of me that no one has ever reached before, except in my dream! he's taken hold of me and turned me inside out. doesn't everyone need a little quiet time to put themselves to rights again? oh, peter, what have you done to me? what do you want from me?

where will this lead? oh, now i understand bep. now, now that i'm going through it myself, i understand her doubts; if i were older and he wanted to marry me, what would my answer be? anne, be honest! you wouldn't be able to marry him. but it's so hard to let go. peter still has too little character, too little willpower, too little courage and strength. he's still a child, emotionally no older than i am; all he wants is happiness and peace of mind. am i really only fourteen? am i really just a silly schoolgirl? am i really so inexperienced in everything? i have more experience than most; i've experienced something almost no one my age ever has.

i'm afraid of myself, afraid my longing is making me yield too soon. how can it ever go right with other boys later on? oh, it's so hard, the eternal struggle between heart and mind. there's a time and a place for both, but how can i be sure that i've chosen the right time?

yours, anne m. fran

k