wednesday, april 5, 1944

my dearest kitty,

for a long time now i didn't know why i was bothering to do any schoolwork. the end of the war still seemed so far away, so unreal, like a fairy tale. if the war isn't over by september, i won't go back to school, since i don't want to be two years behind.

peter filled my days, nothing but peter, dreams and thoughts until saturday night, when i felt so utterly miserable; oh, it was awful. i held back my tears when i was with peter, laughed uproariously with the van daans as we drank lemon punch and was cheerful and excited, but the minute i was alone i knew i was going to cry my eyes out. i slid to the floor in my nightgown and began by saying my prayers, very fervently. then i drew my knees to my chest, lay my head on my arms and cried, all huddled up on the bare floor. a loud sob brought me back down to earth, and i choked back my tears, since i didn't want anyone next door to hear me. then i tried to pull myself together, saying over and over, "i must, i must, i must. . . " stiff from sitting in such an unusual position, i fell back against the side of the bed and kept up my struggle until just before ten-thirty, when i climbed back into bed. it was over!

and now it's really over. i finally realized that i must do my schoolwork to keep from being ignorant, to get on in life, to become a journalist, because that's what i want! i know i can write. a few of my stories are good, my descriptions of the secret annex are humorous, much of my diary is vivid and alive, but. . . it remains to be seen whether i really have talent.

"eva's dream" is my best fairy tale, and the odd thing is that i don't have the faintest idea where it came from. parts of "cady's life" are also good, but as a whole it's nothing special. i'm my best and harshest critic. i know what's good and what isn't. unless you write yourself, you can't know how wonderful it is; i always used to bemoan the fact that i couldn't draw, but now i'm overjoyed that at least i can write. and if i don't have the talent to write books or newspaper articles, i can always write for myself. but i want to achieve more than that. i can't imagine having to live like mother, mrs. van daan and all the women who go about their work and are then forgotten. i need to have something besides a husband and children to devote myself to! i don't want to have lived in vain like most people. i want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those i've never met. i want to go on living even after my death! and that's why i'm so grateful to god for having given me this gift, which i can use to develop myself and to express all that's inside me!

when i write i can shake off all my cares. my sor- row disappears, my spirits are revived! but, and that's a big question, will i ever be able to write something great, will i ever become a journalist or a writer?

i hope so, oh, i hope so very much, because writing allows me to record everything, all my thoughts, ideals and fantasies.

i haven't worked on "cady's life" for ages. in my mind i've worked out exactly what happens next, but the story doesn't seem to be coming along very well. i might never finish it, and it'll wind up in the wastepaper basket or the stove. that's a horrible thought, but then i say to myself, "at the age of fourteen and with so little experience, you can't write about philosophy."

so onward and upward, with renewed spirits. it'll all work out, because i'm determined to write!

yours, anne m. fran

k