saturday, november 29, 1942

dearest kitty,

we've been using too much electricity and have now exceeded our ration. the result: excessive economy and the prospect of having the electricity cut off. no light for fourteen days; that's a pleasant thought, isn't it? but who knows, maybe it won't be so long! it's too dark to read after four or four-thirty, so we while away the time with all kinds of crazy activities: telling riddles, doing calisthenics in the dark, speaking english or french, reviewing books -- after a while everything gets boring. yesterday i discovered a new pastime: using a good pair of binoculars to peek into the lighted rooms of the neighbors. during the day our curtains can't be opened, not even an inch, but there's no harm when it's so dark.

i never knew that neighbors could be so interesting. ours are, at any rate. i've come across a few at dinner, one family making home movies and the dentist across the way working on a frightened old lady.

mr. dussel, the man who was said to get along so well with children and to absolutely adore them, has turned out to be an old-fashioned disciplinarian and preacher of unbearably long sermons on manners. since i have the singular pleasure (!) of sharing my far too narrow room with his excellency, and since i'm generally considered to be the worst behaved of the three young people, it's all i can do to avoid having the same old scoldings and admonitions repeatedly flung at my head and to pretend not to hear. this wouldn't be so bad if mr. dussel weren't such a tattletale and hadn't singled out mother to be the recipient of his reports. if mr. dussel's just read me the riot act, mother lectures me all over again, this time throwing the whole book at me. and if i'm really lucky, mrs. van d. calls me to account five minutes later and lays down the law as well!

really, it's not easy being the badly brought-up center of attention of a family of nitpickers.

in bed at night, as i ponder my many sins and exaggerated shortcomings, i get so confused by the sheer amount of things i have to consider that i either laugh or cry, depending on my mood. then i fall asleep with the strange feeling of wanting to be different than i am or being different than i want to be, or perhaps of behaving differently than i am or want to be.

oh dear, now i'm confusing you too. forgive me, but i don't like crossing things out, and in these times of scarcity, tossing away a piece of paper is clearly taboo. so i can only advise you not to reread the above passage and to make no attempt to get to the bottom of it, because you'll never find your way out again!

yours, anne