saturday, october 3, 1942

dear kitty,

everybody teased me quite a bit yesterday because i lay down on the bed next to mr. van daan. "at your age! shocking! " and other remarks along those lines. silly, of course. i'd never want to sleep with mr. van daan the way they mean.

yesterday mother and i had another run-in and she really kicked up a fuss. she told daddy all my sins and i started to cry, which made me cry too, and i already had such an awful headache. i finally told daddy that i love "him" more than i do mother, to which he replied that it was just a passing phase, but i don't think so. i simply can't stand mother, and i have to force myself not to snap at her all the time, and to stay calm, when i'd rather slap her across the face. i don't know why i've taken such a terrible dislike to her. daddy says that if mother isn't feeling well or has a headache, i should volunteer to help her, but i'm not going to because i don't love her and don't enjoy doing it. i can imagine mother dying someday, but daddy's death seems inconceivable. it's very mean of me, but that's how i feel. i hope mother will never read this or anything else i've written.

i've been allowed to read more grown-up books lately. eva's youth by nico van suchtelen is currently keeping me busy. i don't think there's much of a difference between this and books for teenage girls. eva thought that children grew on trees, like apples, and that the stork plucked them off the tree when they were ripe and brought them to the mothers. but her girlfriend's cat had kittens and eva saw them coming out of the cat, so she thought cats laid eggs and hatched them like chickens, and that mothers who wanted a child also went upstairs a few days before their time to lay an egg and brood on it. after the babies arrived, the mothers were pretty weak from all that squatting. at some point, eva wanted a baby too. she took a wool scarf and spread it on the ground so the egg could fall into it, and then she squatted down and began to push. she clucked as she waited, but no egg came out. finally, after she'd been sitting for a long time, something did come, but it was a sausage instead of an egg. eva was embarrassed. she thought she was sick. funny, isn't it? there are also parts of eva's youth that talk about women selling their bodies on the street and asking loads of money. i'd be mortified in front of a man like that. in addition, it mentions eva's menstruation. oh, i long to get my period -- then i'll really be grown up. daddy is grumbling again and threatening to take away my diary. oh, horror of horrors! from now on, i'm going to hide it.

anne fran

k