not the wild billow, when it breaks its barrier —

not the wild wind, escaping from its cavern —

not the wild fiend, that mingles both together,

and pours their rage upon the ripening harvest,

can match the wild freaks of this mirthful meeting —

comic, yet fearful — droll, and yet destructive.

the conspiracy.

the monks ceased their song, which, like that of the choristers in the legend of the witch of berkley, died away in a quaver of consternation; and, like a flock of chickens disturbed by the presence of the kite, they at first made a movement to disperse and fly in different directions, and then, with despair, rather than hope, huddled themselves around their new abbot; who, retaining the lofty and undismayed look which had dignified him through the whole ceremony, stood on the higher step of the altar, as if desirous to be the most conspicuous mark on which danger might discharge itself, and to save his companions by his self-devotion, since he could afford them no other protection.

involuntarily, as it were, magdalen graeme and the page stepped from the station which hitherto they had occupied unnoticed, and approached to the altar, as desirous of sharing the fate which approached the monks, whatever that might be. both bowed reverently low to the abbot; and while magdalen seemed about to speak, the youth, looking towards the main entrance, at which the noise now roared most loudly, and which was at the same time assailed with much knocking, laid his hand upon his dagger.

the abbot motioned to both to forbear: “peace, my sister,” he said, in a low tone, but which, being in a different key from the tumultuary sounds without, could be distinctly heard, even amidst the tumult;—“peace,” he said, “my sister; let the new superior of saint mary’s himself receive and reply to the grateful acclamations of the vassals, who come to celebrate his installation.— and thou, my son, forbear, i charge thee, to touch thy earthly weapon;— if it is the pleasure of our protectress, that her shrine be this day desecrated by deeds of violence, and polluted by blood-shedding, let it not, i charge thee, happen through the deed of a catholic son of the church.”

the noise and knocking at the outer gate became now every moment louder; and voices were heard impatiently demanding admittance. the abbot, with dignity, and with a step which even the emergency of danger rendered neither faltering nor precipitate, moved towards the portal, and demanded to know, in a tone of authority, who it was that disturbed their worship, and what they desired?

there was a moment’s silence, and then a loud laugh from without. at length a voice replied, “we desire entrance into the church; and when the door is opened you will soon see who we are.”

“by whose authority do you require entrance?” said the father.

“by authority of the right reverend lord abbot of unreason,”15 replied the voice from without; and, from the laugh — which followed, it seemed as if there was something highly ludicrous couched under this reply.

“i know not, and seek not to know, your meaning,” replied the abbot, “since it is probably a rude one. but begone, in the name of god, and leave his servants in peace. i speak this, as having lawful authority to command here.”

“open the door,” said another rude voice, “and we will try titles with you, sir monk, and show you a superior we must all obey.”

“break open the doors if he dallies any longer,” said a third, “and down with the carrion monks who would bar us of our privilege!” a general shout followed. “ay, ay, our privilege! our privilege! down with the doors, and with the lurdane monks, if they make opposition!”

the knocking was now exchanged for blows with great, hammers, to which the doors, strong as they were, must soon have given way. but the abbot, who saw resistance would be in vain, and who did not wish to incense the assailants by an attempt at offering it, besought silence earnestly, and with difficulty obtained a hearing. “my children,” said he, “i will save you from committing a great sin. the porter will presently undo the gate — he is gone to fetch the keys — meantime i pray you to consider with yourselves, if you are in a state of mind to cross the holy threshold.”

“tillyvally for your papistry!” was answered from without; “we are in the mood of the monks when they are merriest, and that is when they sup beef-brewis for lanten-kail. so, if your porter hath not the gout, let him come speedily, or we heave away readily.— said i well, comrades?”

“bravely said, and it shall be as bravely done,” said the multitude; and had not the keys arrived at that moment, and the porter in hasty terror performed his office, throwing open the great door, the populace would have saved him the trouble. the instant he had done so, the affrighted janitor fled, like one who has drawn the bolts of a flood-gate, and expects to be overwhelmed by the rushing inundation. the monks, with one consent, had withdrawn themselves behind the abbot, who alone kept his station, about three yards from the entrance, showing no signs of fear or perturbation. his brethren — partly encouraged by his devotion, partly ashamed to desert him, and partly animated by a sense of duty.— remained huddled close together, at the back of their superior. there was a loud laugh and huzza when the doors were opened; but, contrary to what might have been expected, no crowd of enraged assailants rushed into the church. on the contrary, there was a cry of “a halt!-a halt — to order, my masters! and let the two reverend fathers greet each other, as beseems them.”

the appearance of the crowd who were thus called to order, was grotesque in the extreme. it was composed of men, women, and children, ludicrously disguised in various habits, and presenting groups equally diversified and grotesque. here one fellow with a horse’s head painted before him, and a tail behind, and the whole covered with a long foot-cloth, which was supposed to hide the body of the animal, ambled, caracoled, pranced, and plunged, as he performed the celebrated part of the hobby-horse,16 so often alluded to in our ancient drama; and which still flourishes on the stage in the battle that concludes bayes’s tragedy. to rival the address and agility displayed by this character, another personage advanced in the more formidable character of a huge dragon, with gilded wings, open jaws, and a scarlet tongue, cloven at the end, which made various efforts to overtake and devour a lad, dressed as the lovely sabaea, daughter of the king of egypt, who fled before him; while a martial saint george, grotesquely armed with a goblet for a helmet, and a spit for a lance, ever and anon interfered, and compelled the monster to relinquish his prey. a bear, a wolf, and one or two other wild animals, played their parts with the discretion of snug the joiner; for the decided preference which they gave to the use of their hind legs, was sufficient, without any formal annunciation, to assure the most timorous spectators that they had to do with habitual bipeds. there was a group of outlaws with robin hood and little john at their head17 — the best representation exhibited at the time; and no great wonder, since most of the actors were, by profession, the banished men and thieves whom they presented. other masqueraders there were, of a less marked description. men were disguised as women, and women as men — children wore the dress of aged people, and tottered with crutch-sticks in their hands, furred gowns on their little backs, and caps on their round heads — while grandsires assumed the infantine tone as well as the dress of children. besides these, many had their faces painted, and wore their shirts over the rest of their dress; while coloured pasteboard and ribbons furnished out decorations for others. those who wanted all these properties, blacked their faces, and turned their jackets inside out; and thus the transmutation of the whole assembly into a set of mad grotesque mummers, was at once completed.

the pause which the masqueraders made, waiting apparently for some person of the highest authority amongst them, gave those within the abbey church full time to observe all these absurdities. they were at no loss to comprehend their purpose and meaning.

few readers can be ignorant, that at an early period, and during the plenitude of her power, the church of rome not only connived at, but even encouraged, such saturnalian licenses as the inhabitants of kennaquhair and the neighbourhood had now in hand, and that the vulgar, on such occasions, were not only permitted but encouraged by a number of gambols, sometimes puerile and ludicrous, sometimes immoral and profane, to indemnify themselves for the privations and penances imposed on them at other seasons. but, of all other topics for burlesque and ridicule, the rites and ceremonial of the church itself were most frequently resorted to; and, strange to say, with the approbation of the clergy themselves.

while the hierarchy flourished in full glory, they do not appear to have dreaded the consequences of suffering the people to become so irreverently familiar with things sacred; they then imagined the laity to be much in the condition of the labourer’s horse, which does not submit to the bridle and the whip with greater reluctance, because, at rare intervals, he is allowed to frolic at large in his pasture, and fling out his heels in clumsy gambols at the master who usually drives him. but, when times changed — when doubt of the roman catholic doctrine, and hatred of their priesthood, had possessed the reformed party, the clergy discovered, too late, that no small inconvenience arose from the established practice of games and merry-makings, in which they themselves, and all they held most sacred, were made the subject of ridicule. it then became obvious to duller politicians than the romish churchmen, that the same actions have a very different tendency when done in the spirit of sarcastic insolence and hatred, than when acted merely in exuberance of rude and uncontrollable spirits. they, therefore, though of the latest, endeavoured, where they had any remaining influence, to discourage the renewal of these indecorous festivities. in this particular, the catholic clergy were joined by most of the reformed preachers, who were more shocked at the profanity and immorality of many of these exhibitions, than disposed to profit by the ridiculous light in which they placed the church of rome and her observances. but it was long ere these scandalous and immoral sports could be abrogated;— the rude multitude continued attached to their favourite pastimes, and, both in england and scotland, the mitre of the catholic — the rochet of the reformed bishop — and the cloak and band of the calvinistic divine — were, in turn, compelled to give place to those jocular personages, the pope of fools, the boy-bishop, and the abbot of unreason. 18

it was the latter personage who now, in full costume, made his approach to the great door of the church of st. mary’s, accoutred in such a manner as to form a caricature, or practical parody, on the costume and attendants of the real superior, whom he came to beard on the very day of his installation, in the presence of his clergy, and in the chancel of his church. the mock dignitary was a stout-made under-sized fellow, whose thick squab form had been rendered grotesque by a supplemental paunch, well stuffed. he wore a mitre of leather, with the front like a grenadier’s cap, adorned with mock embroidery, and trinkets of tin. this surmounted a visage, the nose of which was the most prominent feature, being of unusual size, and at least as richly gemmed as his head-gear. his robe was of buckram, and his cope of canvass, curiously painted, and cut into open work. on one shoulder was fixed the painted figure of an owl; and he bore in the right hand his pastoral staff, and in the left a small mirror having a handle to it, thus resembling a celebrated jester, whose adventures, translated into english, were whilom extremely popular, and which may still be procured in black letter, for about one sterling pound per leaf.

the attendants of this mock dignitary had their proper dresses and equipage, bearing the same burlesque resemblance to the officers of the convent which their leader did to the superior. they followed their leader in regular procession, and the motley characters, which had waited his arrival, now crowded into the church in his train, shouting as they came,—“a hall, a hall! for the venerable father howleglas, the learned monk of misrule, and the right reverend abbot of unreason!”

the discordant minstrelsy of every kind renewed its din; the boys shrieked and howled, and the men laughed and hallooed, and the women giggled and screamed, and the beasts roared, and the dragon wallopped and hissed, and the hobby-horse neighed, pranced, and capered, and the rest frisked and frolicked, clashing their hobnailed shoes against the pavement, till it sparkled with the marks of their energetic caprioles.

it was, in fine, a scene of ridiculous confusion, that deafened the ear, made the eyes giddy, and must have altogether stunned any indifferent spectator; the monks, whom personal apprehension and a consciousness that much of the popular enjoyment arose from the ridicule being directed against them, were, moreover, little comforted by the reflection, that, bold in their disguise, the mummers who whooped and capered around them, might, on slight provocation, turn their jest into earnest, or at least proceed to those practical pleasantries, which at all times arise so naturally out of the frolicsome and mischievous disposition of the populace. they looked to their abbot amid the tumult, with such looks as landsmen cast upon the pilot when the storm is at the highest — looks which express that they are devoid of all hope arising from their own exertions, and not very confident in any success likely to attend those of their palinurus.

the abbot himself seemed at a stand; he felt no fear, but he was sensible of the danger of expressing his rising indignation, which he was scarcely able to suppress. he made a gesture with his hand as if commanding silence, which was at first only replied to by redoubled shouts, and peals of wild laughter. when, however, the same motion, and as nearly in the same manner, had been made by howleglas, it was immediately obeyed by his riotous companions, who expected fresh food for mirth in the conversation betwixt the real and mock abbot, having no small confidence in the vulgar wit and impudence of their leader. accordingly, they began to shout, “to it, fathers — to it i”—“fight monk, fight madcap — abbot against abbot is fair play, and so is reason against unreason, and malice against monkery!”

“silence, my mates!” said howleglas; “cannot two learned fathers of the church hold communion together, but you must come here with your bear-garden whoop and hollo, as if you were hounding forth a mastiff upon a mad bull? i say silence! and let this learned father and me confer, touching matters affecting our mutual state and authority.”

“my children”-said father ambrose.

“my children too,— and happy children they are!” said his burlesque counterpart; “many a wise child knows not its own father, and it is well they have two to choose betwixt.”

“if thou hast aught in thee, save scoffing and ribaldry,” said the real abbot, “permit me, for thine own soul’s sake, to speak a few words to these misguided men.”

“aught in me but scoffing, sayest thou?” retorted the abbot of unreason; “why, reverend brother, i have all that becomes mine office at this time a-day — i have beef, ale, and brandy-wine, with other condiments not worth mentioning; and for speaking, man — why, speak away, and we will have turn about, like honest fellows.”

during this discussion the wrath of magdalen graeme had risen to the uttermost; she approached the abbot, and placing herself by his side, said in a low and yet distinct tone-“wake and arouse thee, father — the sword of saint peter is in thy hand — strike and avenge saint peter’s patrimony!— bind them in the chains which, being riveted by the church on earth, are riveted in heaven —”

“peace, sister!” said the abbot; “let not their madness destroy our discretion — i pray thee, peace, and let me do mine office. it is the first, peradventure it may be the last time, i shall be called on to discharge it.”

“nay, my holy brother!” said howleglas, “i rede you, take the holy sister’s advice — never throve convent without woman’s counsel.”

“peace, vain man!” said the abbot; “and you, my brethren —”

“nay, nay!” said the abbot of unreason, “no speaking to the lay people, until you have conferred with your brother of the cowl. i swear by bell, book, and candle, that no one of my congregation shall listen to one word you have to say; so you had as well address yourself to me who will.”

to escape a conference so ludicrous, the abbot again attempted an appeal to what respectful feelings might yet remain amongst the inhabitants of the halidome, once so devoted to their spiritual superiors. alas! the abbot of unreason had only to nourish his mock crosier, and the whooping, the hallooing, and the dancing, were renewed with a vehemence which would have defied the lungs of stentor.

“and now, my mates,” said the abbot of unreason, “once again dight your gabs and be hushed-let us see if the cock of kennaquhair will fight or flee the pit.”

there was again a dead silence of expectation, of which father ambrose availed himself to address his antagonist, seeing plainly that he could gain an audience on no other terms. “wretched man!” said he, “hast thou no better employment for thy carnal wit, than to employ it in leading these blind and helpless creatures into the pit of utter darkness?”

“truly, my brother,” replied howleglas, “i can see little difference betwixt your employment and mine, save that you make a sermon of a jest, and i make a jest of a sermon.”

“unhappy being,” said the abbot, “who hast no better subject of pleasantry than that which should make thee tremble — no sounder jest than thine own sins, and no better objects for laughter than those who can absolve thee from the guilt of them!”

“verily, my reverend brother,” said the mock abbot, “what you say might be true, if, in laughing at hypocrites, i meant to laugh at religion.— oh, it is a precious thing to wear a long dress, with a girdle and a cowl — we become a holy pillar of mother church, and a boy must not play at ball against the walls for fear of breaking a painted window!”

“and will you, my friends,” said the abbot, looking round and speaking with a vehemence which secured him a tranquil audience for some time,—“will you suffer a profane buffoon, within the very church of god, to insult his ministers? many of you — all of you, perhaps — have lived under my holy predecessors, who were called upon to rule in this church where i am called upon to suffer. if you have worldly goods, they are their gift; and, when you scorned not to accept better gifts — the mercy and forgiveness of the church — were they not ever at your command?— did we not pray while you were jovial — wake while you slept?”

“some of the good wives of the halidome were wont to say so,” said the abbot of unreason; but his jest met in this instance but slight applause, and father ambrose, having gained a moment’s attention, hastened to improve it.

“what!” said he; “and is this grateful — is it seemly — is it honest — to assail with scorn a few old men, from whose predecessors you hold all, and whose only wish is to die in peace among these fragments of what was once the light of the land, and whose daily prayer is, that they may be removed ere that hour comes when the last spark shall be extinguished, and the land left in the darkness which it has chosen rather than light? we have not turned against you the edge of the spiritual sword, to revenge our temporal persecution; the tempest of your wrath hath despoiled us of land, and deprived us almost of our daily food, but we have not repaid it with the thunders of excommunication — we only pray your leave to live and die within the church which is our own, invoking god, our lady, and the holy saints to pardon your sins, and our own, undisturbed by scurril buffoonery and blasphemy.”

this speech, so different in tone and termination from that which the crowd had expected, produced an effect upon their feelings unfavourable to the prosecution of their frolic. the morris-dancers stood still — the hobby-horse surceased his capering — pipe and tabor were mute, and “silence, like a heavy cloud,” seemed to descend on the once noisy rabble. several of the beasts were obviously moved to compunction; the bear could not restrain his sobs, and a huge fox was observed to wipe his eyes with his tail. but in especial the dragon, lately so formidably rampant, now relaxed the terror of his claws, uncoiled his tremendous rings, and grumbled out of his fiery throat in a repentant tone, “by the mass, i thought no harm in exercising our old pastime, but an i had thought the good father would have taken it so to heart, i would as soon have played your devil, as your dragon.”

in this momentary pause, the abbot stood amongst the miscellaneous and grotesque forms by which he was surrounded, triumphant as saint anthony, in callot’s temptations; but howleglas would not so resign his purpose.

“and how now, my masters!” said he, “is this fair play or no? have you not chosen me abbot of unreason, and is it lawful for any of you to listen to common sense today? was i not formally elected by you in solemn chapter, held in luckie martin’s change-house, and will you now desert me, and give up your old pastime and privilege? play out the play — and he that speaks the next word of sense or reason, or bids us think or consider, or the like of that, which befits not the day, i will have him solemnly ducked in the mill-dam!”

the rabble, mutable as usual, huzzaed, the pipe and tabor struck up, the hobby-horse pranced, the beasts roared, and even the repentant dragon began again to coil up his spires, and prepare himself for fresh gambols. but the abbot might still have overcome, by his eloquence and his entreaties, the malicious designs of the revellers, had not dame magdalen graeme given loose to the indignation which she had long suppressed.

“scoffers,” she said, “and men of belial — blasphemous heretics, and truculent tyrants ——”

“your patience, my sister, i entreat and i command you!” said the abbot; “let me do my duty — disturb me not in mine office!”

but dame magdalen continued to thunder forth her threats in the name of popes and councils, and in the name of every saint, from st. michael downward.

“my comrades!” said the abbot of unreason, “this good dame hath not spoken a single word of reason, and therein may esteem herself free from the law. but what she spoke was meant for reason, and, therefore, unless she confesses and avouches all which she has said to be nonsense, it shall pass for such, so far as to incur our statutes. wherefore, holy dame, pilgrim, or abbess, or whatever thou art, be mute with thy mummery or beware the mill-dam. we will have neither spiritual nor temporal scolds in our diocese of unreason!”

as he spoke thus, he extended his hand towards the old woman, while his followers shouted, “a doom — a doom!” and prepared to second his purpose, when lo! it was suddenly frustrated. roland graeme had witnessed with indignation the insults offered to his old spiritual preceptor, but yet had wit enough to reflect he could render him no assistance, but might well, by ineffective interference, make matters worse. but when he saw his aged relative in danger of personal violence, he gave way to the natural impetuosity of his temper, and, stepping forward, struck his poniard into the body of the abbot of unreason, whom the blow instantly prostrated on the pavement.