mannion! i had never suspected that the note shown to me at north villa might have come from him. and yet, the secrecy with which it had been delivered; the person to whom it was addressed; the mystery connected with it even in the servant’s eyes, all pointed to the discovery which i had so incomprehensibly failed to make. i had suffered a letter, which might contain written proof of her guilt, to be taken, from under my own eyes, to margaret sherwin! how had my perceptions become thus strangely blinded? the confusion of my memory, the listless incapacity of all my faculties, answered the question but too readily, of themselves.
“robert mannion!” i could not take my eyes from that name: i still held before me the crowded, closely-written lines of his writing, and delayed to read them. something of the horror which the presence of the man himself would have inspired in me, was produced by the mere sight of his letter, and that letter addressed to me. the vengeance which my own hands had wreaked on him, he was, of all men the surest to repay. perhaps, in these lines, the dark future through which his way and mine might lie, would be already shadowed forth. margaret too! could he write so much, and not write of her? not disclose the mystery in which the motives of her crime were still hidden? i turned back again to the first page, and resolved to read the letter. it began abruptly, in the following terms:—
“st. helen’s hospital.
“you may look at the signature when you receive this, and may be tempted to tear up my letter, and throw it from you unread. i warn you to read what i have written, and to estimate, if you can, its importance to yourself. destroy these pages afterwards if you like — they will have served their purpose.
“do you know where i am, and what i suffer? i am one of the patients of this hospital, hideously mutilated for life by your hand. if i could have known certainly the day of my dismissal, i should have waited to tell you with my own lips what i now write — but i am ignorant of this. at the very point of recovery i have suffered a relapse.
“you will silence any uneasy upbraidings of conscience, should you feel them, by saying that i have deserved death at your hands. i will tell you, in answer, what you deserve and shall receive at mine.
“but i will first assume that it was knowledge of your wife’s guilt which prompted your attack on me. i am well aware that she has declared herself innocent, and that her father supports her declaration. by the time you receive this letter (my injuries oblige me to allow myself a whole fortnight to write it in), i shall have taken measures which render further concealment unnecessary. therefore, if my confession avail you aught, you have it here:— she is guilty: willingly guilty, remember, whatever she may say to the contrary. you may believe this, and believe all i write hereafter. deception between us two is at an end.
“i have told you margaret sherwin is guilty. why was she guilty? what was the secret of my influence over her?
“to make you comprehend what i have now to communicate, it is necessary for me to speak of myself; and of my early life. to-morrow, i will undertake this disclosure — to-day, i can neither hold the pen, nor see the paper any longer. if you could look at my face, where i am now laid, you would know why!”
“when we met for the first time at north villa, i had not been five minutes in your presence before i detected your curiosity to know something about me, and perceived that you doubted, from the first, whether i was born and bred for such a situation as i held under mr. sherwin. failing — as i knew you would fail — to gain any information about me from my employer or his family, you tried, at various times, to draw me into familiarity, to get me to talk unreservedly to you; and only gave up the attempt to penetrate my secret, whatever it might be, when we parted after our interview at my house on the night of the storm. on that night, i determined to baulk your curiosity, and yet to gain your confidence; and i succeeded. you little thought, when you bade me farewell at my own door, that you had given your hand and your friendship to a man, who — long before you met with margaret sherwin — had inherited the right to be the enemy of your father, and of every descendant of your father’s house.
“does this declaration surprise you? read on, and you will understand it.
“i am the son of a gentleman. my father’s means were miserably limited, and his family was not an old family, like yours. nevertheless, he was a gentleman in anybody’s sense of the word; he knew it, and that knowledge was his ruin. he was a weak, kind, careless man; a worshipper of conventionalities; and a great respecter of the wide gaps which lay between social stations in his time. thus, he determined to live like a gentleman, by following a gentleman’s pursuit — a profession, as distinguished from a trade. failing in this, he failed to follow out his principle, and starve like a gentleman. he died the death of a felon; leaving me no inheritance but the name of a felon’s son.
“while still a young man, he contrived to be introduced to a gentleman of great family, great position, and great wealth. he interested, or fancied he interested, this gentleman; and always looked on him as the patron who was to make his fortune, by getting him the first government sinecure (they were plenty enough in those days!) which might fall vacant. in firm and foolish expectation of this, he lived far beyond his little professional income — lived among rich people without the courage to make use of them as a poor man. it was the old story: debts and liabilities of all kinds pressed heavy on him — creditors refused to wait — exposure and utter ruin threatened him — and the prospect of the sinecure was still as far off as ever.
“nevertheless he believed in the advent of this office; and all the more resolutely now, because he looked to it as his salvation. he was quite confident of the interest of his patron, and of its speedy exertion in his behalf. perhaps, that gentleman had overrated his own political influence; perhaps, my father had been too sanguine, and had misinterpreted polite general promises into special engagements. however it was, the bailiffs came into his house one morning, while help from a government situation, or any situation, was as unattainable as ever — came to take him to prison: to seize everything, in execution, even to the very bed on which my mother (then seriously ill) was lying. the whole fabric of false prosperity which he had been building up to make the world respect him, was menaced with instant and shameful overthrow. he had not the courage to let it go; so he took refuge from misfortune in a crime.
“he forged a bond, to prop up his credit for a little time longer. the name he made use of was the name of his patron. in doing this, he believed — as all men who commit crime believe — that he had the best possible chance of escaping consequences. in the first place, he might get the long-expected situation in time to repay the amount of the bond before detection. in the second place, he had almost the certainty of a legacy from a rich relative, old and in ill-health, whose death might be fairly expected from day to day. if both these prospects failed (and they did fail), there was still a third chance — the chance that his rich patron would rather pay the money than appear against him. in those days they hung for forgery. my father believed it to be impossible that a man at whose table he had sat, whose relatives and friends he had amused and instructed by his talents, would be the man to give evidence which should condemn him to be hanged on the public scaffold.
“he was wrong. the wealthy patron held strict principles of honour which made no allowance for temptations and weaknesses; and was moreover influenced by high-flown notions of his responsibilities as a legislator (he was a member of parliament) to the laws of his country. he appeared accordingly, and gave evidence against the prisoner; who was found guilty, and left for execution.
“then, when it was too late, this man of pitiless honour thought himself at last justified in leaning to the side of mercy, and employed his utmost interest, in every direction, to obtain a mitigation of the sentence to transportation for life. the application failed; even a reprieve of a few days was denied. at the appointed time, my father died on the scaffold by the hangman’s hand.
“have you suspected, while reading this part of my letter, who the high-born gentleman was whose evidence hung him? if you have not, i will tell you. that gentleman was your father. you will now wonder no longer how i could have inherited the right to be his enemy, and the enemy of all who are of his blood.
“the shock of her husband’s horrible death deprived my mother of reason. she lived a few months after his execution; but never recovered her faculties. i was their only child; and was left penniless to begin life as the son of a father who had been hanged, and of a mother who had died in a public madhouse.
“more of myself to-morrow — my letter will be a long one: i must pause often over it, as i pause to-day.”
“well: i started in life with the hangman’s mark on me — with the parent’s shame for the son’s reputation. wherever i went, whatever friends i kept, whatever acquaintances i made — people knew how my father had died: and showed that they knew it. not so much by shunning or staring at me (vile as human nature is, there were not many who did that), as by insulting me with over-acted sympathy, and elaborate anxiety to sham entire ignorance of my father’s fate. the gallows-brand was on my forehead; but they were too benevolently blind to see it. the gallows-infamy was my inheritance; but they were too resolutely generous to discover it! this was hard to bear. however, i was strong-hearted even then, when my sensations were quick, and my sympathies young: so i bore it.
“my only weakness was my father’s weakness — the notion that i was born to a station ready made for me, and that the great use of my life was to live up to it. my station! i battled for that with the world for years and years, before i discovered that the highest of all stations is the station a man makes for himself: and the lowest, the station that is made for him by others.
“at starting in life, your father wrote to make me offers of assistance — assistance, after he had ruined me! assistance to the child, from hands which had tied the rope round the parent’s neck! i sent him back his letter. he knew that i was his enemy, his son’s enemy, and his son’s son’s enemy, as long as i lived. i never heard from him again.
“trusting boldly to myself to carve out my own way, and to live down my undeserved ignominy; resolving in the pride of my integrity to combat openly and fairly with misfortune, i shrank, at first, from disowning my parentage and abandoning my father’s name. standing on my own character, confiding in my intellect and my perseverance, i tried pursuit after pursuit, and was beaten afresh at every new effort. whichever way i turned, the gallows still rose as the same immovable obstacle between me and fortune, between me and station, between me and my fellowmen. i was morbidly sensitive on this point. the slightest references to my father’s fate, however remote or accidental, curdled my blood. i saw open insult, or humiliating compassion, or forced forbearance, in the look and manner of every man about me. so i broke off with old friends, and tried new; and, in seeking fresh pursuits, sought fresh connections, where my father’s infamy might be unknown. wherever i went, the old stain always broke out afresh, just at the moment when i had deceived myself into the belief that it was utterly effaced. i had a warm heart then — it was some time before it turned to stone, and felt nothing. those were the days when failure and humiliation could still draw tears from me: that epoch in my life is marked in my memory as the epoch when i could weep.
“at last, i gave way before difficulty, and conceded the first step to the calamity which had stood front to front with me so long. i left the neighbourhood where i was known, and assumed the name of a schoolfellow who had died. for some time this succeeded; but the curse of my father’s death followed me, though i saw it not. after various employments — still, mind, the employments of a gentleman!— had first supported, then failed me, i became an usher at a school. it was there that my false name was detected, and my identity discovered again — i never knew through whom. the exposure was effected by some enemy, anonymously. for several days, i thought everybody in the school treated me in an altered way. the cause came out, first in whispers, then in reckless jests, while i was taking care of the boys in the playground. in the fury of the moment i struck one of the most insolent, and the eldest of them, and hurt him rather seriously. the parents heard of it, and threatened me with prosecution; the whole neighbourhood was aroused. i had to leave my situation secretly, by night, or the mob would have pelted the felon’s son out of the parish.
“i went back to london, bearing another assumed name; and tried, as a last resource to save me from starvation, the resource of writing. i served my apprenticeship to literature as a hack-author of the lowest degree. knowing i had talents which might be turned to account, i tried to vindicate them by writing an original work. but my experience of the world had made me unfit to dress my thoughts in popular costume: i could only tell bitter truths bitterly; i exposed licenced hypocrisies too openly; i saw the vicious side of many respectabilities, and said i saw it — in short, i called things by their right names; and no publisher would treat with me. so i stuck to my low task-work; my penny-a lining in third-class newspapers; my translating from frenchmen and germans, and plagiarising from dead authors, to supply the raw material for bookmongering by more accomplished bookmongers than i. in this life, there was one advantage which compensated for much misery and meanness, and bitter, biting disappointment: i could keep my identity securely concealed. character was of no consequence to me; nobody cared to know who i was, or to inquire what i had been — the gallows-mark was smoothed out at last!
“while i was living thus on the offal of literature, i met with a woman of good birth, and fair fortune, whose sympathies or whose curiosity i happened to interest. she and her father and mother received me favourably, as a gentleman who had known better days, and an author whom the public had undeservedly neglected. how i managed to gain their confidence and esteem, without alluding to my parentage, it is not worth while to stop to describe. that i did so you will easily imagine, when i tell you that the woman to whom i refer, consented, with her father’s full approval, to become my wife.
“the very day of the marriage was fixed. i believed i had successfully parried all perilous inquiries — but i was wrong. a relation of the family, whom i had never seen, came to town a short time before the wedding. we disliked each other on our first introduction. he was a clever, resolute man of the world, and privately inquired about me to much better purpose in a few days, than his family had done in several months. accident favoured him strangely, everything was discovered — literally everything — and i was contemptuously dismissed the house. could a lady of respectability marry a man (no matter how worthy in her eyes) whose father had been hanged, whose mother had died in a madhouse, who had lived under assumed names, who had been driven from an excellent country neighbourhood, for cruelty to a harmless school-boy? impossible!
“with this event, my long strife and struggle with the world ended.
“my eyes opened to a new view of life, and the purpose of life. my first aspirations to live up to my birth-right position, in spite of adversity and dishonour, to make my name sweet enough in men’s nostrils, to cleanse away the infamy on my father’s, were now no more. the ambition which — whether i was a hack-author, a travelling portrait-painter, or an usher at a school — had once whispered to me: low down as you are in dark, miry ways, you are on the path which leads upward to high places in the sunshine afar-off; you are not working to scrape together wealth for another man; you are independent, self-reliant, labouring in your own cause — the daring ambition which had once counselled thus, sank dead within me at last. the strong, stern spirit was beaten by spirits stronger and sterner yet — infamy and want.
“i wrote to a man of character and wealth; one of my friends of early days, who had ceased to hold communication with me, like other friends, but, unlike them, had given me up in genuine sorrow: i wrote, and asked him to meet me privately by night. i was too ragged to go to his house, too sensitive still (even if i had gone and had been admitted) to risk encountering people there, who either knew my father, or knew how he had died. i wished to speak to my former friend, unseen, and made the appointment accordingly. he kept it.
“when we met, i said to him:— i have a last favour to ask of you. when we parted years ago, i had high hopes and brave resolutions — both are worn out. i then believed that i could not only rise superior to my misfortune, but could make that very misfortune the motive of my rise. you told me i was too quick of temper, too morbidly sensitive about the slightest reference to my father’s death, too fierce and changeable under undeserved trial and disappointment. this might have been true then; but i am altered now: pride and ambition have been persecuted and starved out of me. an obscure, monotonous life, in which thought and spirit may be laid asleep, never to wake again, is the only life i care for. help me to lead it. i ask you, first, as a beggar, to give me from your superfluity, apparel decent enough to bear the daylight. i ask you next, to help me to some occupation which will just give me my bread, my shelter, and my hour or two of solitude in the evening. you have plenty of influence to do this, and you know i am honest. you cannot choose me too humble and obscure an employment; let me descend low enough to be lost to sight beneath the world i have lived in; let me go among people who want to know that i work honestly for them, and want to know nothing more. get me a mean hiding-place to conceal myself and my history in for ever, and then neither attempt to see me nor communicate with me again. if former friends chance to ask after me, tell them i am dead, or gone into another country. the wisest life is the life the animals lead: i want, like them, to serve my master for food, shelter, and liberty to lie asleep now and then in the sunshine, without being driven away as a pest or a trespasser. do you believe in this resolution?— it is my last.
“he did believe in it; and he granted what i asked. through his interference and recommendation, i entered the service of mr. sherwin.—
“i must stop here for to-day. to-morrow i shall come to disclosures of vital interest to you. have you been surprised that i, your enemy by every cause of enmity that one man can have against another, should write to you so fully about the secrets of my early life? i have done so, because i wish the strife between us to be an open strife on my side; because i desire that you should know thoroughly what you have to expect from my character, after such a life as i have led. there was purpose in my deceit, when i deceived you — there is purpose in my frankness, when i now tell you all.”
“i began in mr. sherwin’s employment, as the lowest clerk in his office. both the master and the men looked a little suspiciously on me, at first. my account of myself was always the same — simple and credible; i had entered the counting-house with the best possible recommendation, and i acted up to it. these circumstances in my favour, joined to a manner that never varied, and to a steadiness at my work that never relaxed, soon produced their effect — all curiosity about me gradually died away: i was left to pursue my avocations in peace. the friend who had got me my situation, preserved my secret as i had desired him; of all the people whom i had formerly known, pitiless enemies and lukewarm adherents, not one ever suspected that my hiding-place was the back office of a linen-draper’s shop. for the first time in my life, i felt that the secret of my father’s misfortune was mine, and mine only; that my security from exposure was at length complete.
“before long, i rose to the chief place in the counting-house. it was no very difficult matter for me to discover, that my new master’s character had other elements besides that of the highest respectability. in plain terms, i found him to be a pretty equal compound by nature, of the fool, the tyrant, and the coward. there was only one direction in which what grovelling sympathies he had, could be touched to some purpose. save him waste, or get him profit; and he was really grateful. i succeeded in working both these marvels. his managing man cheated him; i found it out; refused to be bribed to collusion; and exposed the fraud to mr. sherwin. this got me his confidence, and the place of chief clerk. in that position, i discovered a means, which had never occurred to my employer, of greatly enlarging his business and its profits, with the least possible risk. he tried my plan, and it succeeded. this gained me his warmest admiration, an increase of salary, and a firm footing in his family circle. my projects were more than fulfilled: i had money enough, and leisure enough; and spent my obscure existence exactly as i had proposed.
“but my life was still not destined to be altogether devoid of an animating purpose. when i first knew margaret sherwin, she was just changing from childhood to girlhood. i marked the promise of future beauty in her face and figure; and secretly formed the resolution which you afterwards came forward to thwart, but which i have executed, and will execute, in spite of you.
“the thoughts out of which that resolution sprang, counselled me more calmly than you can suppose. i said within myself: ‘the best years of my life have been irrevocably wasted; misery and humiliation and disaster have followed my steps from my youth; of all the pleasant draughts which other men drink to sweeten existence, not one has passed my lips. i will know happiness before i die; and this girl shall confer it. she shall grow up to maturity for me: i will imperceptibly gain such a hold on her affections, while they are yet young and impressible, that, when the time comes, and i speak the word — though my years more than double hers, though i am dependent on her father for the bread i eat, though parents’ voice and lover’s voice unite to call her back — she shall still come to my side, and of her own free will put her hand in mine, and follow me wherever i go; my wife, my mistress, my servant, which i choose.
“this was my project. to execute it, time and opportunity were mine; and i steadily and warily made use of them, hour by hour, day by day, year by year. from first to last, the girl’s father never suspected me. besides the security which he felt in my age, he had judged me by his own small commercial standard, and had found me a model of integrity. a man who had saved him from being cheated, who had so enlarged and consolidated his business as to place him among the top dignitaries of the trade; who was the first to come to the desk in the morning, and the last to remain there in the evening; who had not only never demanded, but had absolutely refused to take, a single holiday — such a man as this was, morally and intellectually, a man in ten thousand; a man to be admired and trusted in every relation of life!
“his confidence in me knew no bounds. he was uneasy if i was not by to advise him in the simplest matters. my ears were the first to which he confided his insane ambition on the subject of his daughter — his anxiety to see her marry above her station — his stupid resolution to give her the false, flippant, fashionable education which she subsequently received. i thwarted his plans in nothing, openly — counteracted them in everything, secretly. the more i strengthened my sources of influence over margaret, the more pleased he was. he was delighted to hear her constantly referring to me about her home-lessons; to see her coming to me, evening after evening, to learn new occupations and amusements. he suspected i had been a gentleman; he had been told i spoke pure english; he felt sure i had received a first-rate education — i was nearly as good for margaret as good society itself! when she grew older, and went to the fashionable school, as her father had declared she should, my offer to keep up her lessons in the holidays, and to examine what progress she had made, when she came home regularly every fortnight for the sunday, was accepted with greedy readiness, and acknowledged with servile gratitude. at this time, mr. sherwin’s own estimate of me, among his friends, was, that he had got me for half nothing, and that i was worth more to him than a thousand a-year.
“but there was one member of the family who suspected my intentions from the first. mrs. sherwin — the weak, timid, sickly woman, whose opinion nobody regarded, whose character nobody understood — mrs. sherwin, of all those who dwelt in the house, or came to the house, was the only one whose looks, words, and manner kept me constantly on my guard. the very first time we saw each other, that woman doubted me, as i doubted her; and for ever afterwards, when we met, she was on the watch. this mutual distrust, this antagonism of our two natures, never openly proclaimed itself, and never wore away. my chance of security lay, not so much in my own caution, and my perfect command of look and action under all emergencies, as in the self-distrust and timidity of her nature; in the helpless inferiority of position to which her husband’s want of affection, and her daughter’s want of respect, condemned her in her own house; and in the influence of repulsion — at times, even of absolute terror — which my presence had the power of communicating to her. suspecting what i am assured she suspected — incapable as she was of rendering her suspicions certainties — knowing beforehand, as she must have known, that no words she could speak would gain the smallest respect or credit from her husband or her child — that woman’s life, while i was at north villa, must have been a life of the direst mental suffering to which any human being was ever condemned.
“as time passed, and margaret grew older, her beauty both of face and form approached nearer to perfection than i had foreseen, closely as i watched her. but neither her mind nor her disposition kept pace with her beauty. i studied her closely, with the same patient, penetrating observation, which my experience of the world has made it a habit with me to direct on every one with whom i am brought in contact — i studied her, i say, intently; and found her worthy of nothing, not even of the slave-destiny which i had in store for her.
“she had neither heart nor mind, in the higher sense of those words. she had simply instincts — most of the bad instincts of an animal; none of the good. the great motive power which really directed her, was deceit. i never met with any human being so inherently disingenuous, so naturally incapable of candour even in the most trifling affairs of life, as she was. the best training could never have wholly overcome this vice in her: the education she actually got — an education under false pretences — encouraged it. everybody has read, some people have known, of young girls who have committed the most extraordinary impostures, or sustained the most infamous false accusations; their chief motive being often the sheer enjoyment of practising deceit. of such characters was the character of margaret sherwin.
“she had strong passions, but not their frequent accompaniment — strong will, and strong intellect. she had some obstinacy, but no firmness. appeal in the right way to her vanity, and you could make her do the thing she had declared she would not do, the minute after she had made the declaration. as for her mind, it was of the lowest schoolgirl average. she had a certain knack at learning this thing, and remembering that; but she understood nothing fairly, felt nothing deeply. if i had not had my own motive in teaching her, i should have shut the books again, the first time she and i opened them together, and have given her up as a fool.
“all, however, that i discovered of bad in her character, never made me pause in the prosecution of my design; i had carried it too far for that, before i thoroughly knew her. besides, what mattered her duplicity to me?— i could see through it. her strong passions?— i could control them. her obstinacy?— i could break it. her poverty of intellect?— i cared nothing about her intellect. what i wanted was youth and beauty; she was young and beautiful and i was sure of her.
“yes; sure. her showy person, showy accomplishments, and showy manners dazzled all eyes but mine — of all the people about her, i alone found out what she really was; and in that lay the main secret of my influence over her. i dreaded no rivalry. her father, prompted by his ambitious hopes, kept most young men of her class away from the house; the few who did come were not dangerous; they were as incapable of inspiring, as she was of feeling, real love. her mother still watched me, and still discovered nothing; still suspected me behind my back, and still trembled before my face. months passed on monotonously, year succeeded to year; and i bided my time as patiently, and kept my secret as cautiously as at the first. no change occurred, nothing happened to weaken or alter my influence at north villa, until the day arrived when margaret left school and came home for good.
“exactly at the period to which i have referred, certain business transactions of great importance required the presence of mr. sherwin, or of some confidential person to represent him, at lyons. secretly distrusting his own capabilities, he proposed to me to go; saying that it would be a pleasant trip for me, and a good introduction to his wealthy manufacturing correspondents. after some consideration, i accepted his offer.
“i had never hinted a word of my intentions towards her to margaret; but she understood them well enough — i was certain of that, from many indications which no man could mistake. for reasons which will presently appear, i resolved not to explain myself until my return from lyons. my private object in going there, was to make interest secretly with mr. sherwin’s correspondents for a situation in their house. i knew that when i made my proposals to margaret, i must be prepared to act on them on the instant; i knew that her father’s fury when he discovered that i had been helping to educate his daughter only for myself, would lead him to any extremities; i knew that we must fly to some foreign country; and, lastly, i knew the importance of securing a provision for our maintenance, when we got there. i had saved money, it is true — nearly two-thirds of my salary, every year — but had not saved enough for two. accordingly, i left england to push my own interests, as well as my employer’s; left it, confident that my short absence would not weaken the result of years of steady influence over margaret. the sequel showed that, cautious and calculating as i was, i had nevertheless overlooked the chances against me, which my own experience of her vanity and duplicity ought to have enabled me thoroughly to foresee.
“well: i had been some time at lyons; had managed my employer’s business (from first to last, i was faithful, as i had engaged to be, to his commercial interests); and had arranged my own affairs securely and privately. already, i was looking forward, with sensations of happiness which were new to me, to my return and to the achievement of the one success, the solitary triumph of my long life of humiliation and disaster, when a letter arrived from mr. sherwin. it contained the news of your private marriage, and of the extraordinary conditions that had been attached to it with your consent.
“other people were in the room with me when i read that letter; but my manner betrayed nothing to them. my hand never trembled when i folded the sheet of paper again; i was not a minute late in attending a business engagement which i had accepted; the slightest duties of other kinds which i had to do, i rigidly fulfilled. never did i more thoroughly and fairly earn the evening’s leisure by the morning’s work, than i earned it that day.
“leaving the town at the close of afternoon, i walked on till i came to a solitary place on the bank of the great river which runs near lyons. there i opened the letter for the second time, and read it through again slowly, with no necessity now for self-control, because no human being was near to look at me. there i read your name, constantly repeated in every line of writing; and knew that the man who, in my absence, had stepped between me and my prize — the man who, in his insolence of youth, and birth, and fortune, had snatched from me the one long-delayed reward for twenty years of misery, just as my hands were stretched forth to grasp it, was the son of that honourable and high-born gentleman who had given my father to the gallows, and had made me the outcast of my social privileges for life.
“the sun was setting when i looked up from the letter; flashes of rose-light leapt on the leaping river; the birds were winging nestward to the distant trees, and the ghostly stillness of night was sailing solemnly over earth and sky, as the first thought of the vengeance i would have on father and son began to burn fiercely at my heart, to move like a new life within me, to whisper to my spirit — wait: be patient; they are both in your power; you can now foul the father’s name as the father fouled yours — you can yet thwart the son, as the son has thwarted you.
“in the few minutes that passed, while i lingered in that lonely place after reading the letter, i imagined the whole scheme which it afterwards took a year to execute. i laid the whole plan against you and your father, the first half of which, through the accident that led you to your discovery, has alone been carried out. i believed then, as i believe now, that i stood towards you both in the place of an injured man, whose right it was, in self-defence and self-assertion, to injure you. judged by your ideas, this may read wickedly; but to me, after having lived and suffered as i have, the modern common-places current in the world are so many brazen images which society impudently worships — like the jews of old — in the face of living truth.
“let us get back to england.
“that evening, when we met for the first time, did you observe that margaret was unusually agitated before i came in? i detected some change, the moment i saw her. did you notice that i avoided speaking to her, or looking at her? it was because i was afraid to do so. i saw that, with my return, my old influence over her was coming back: and i still believe that, hypocritical and heartless though she was, and blinded though you were by your passion for her, she would unconsciously have betrayed everything to you on that evening, if i had not acted as i did. her mother, too! how her mother watched me from the moment when i came in!
“afterwards, while you were trying hard to open, undetected, the sealed history of my early life, i was warily discovering from margaret all that i desired to know. i say ‘warily,’ but the word poorly expresses my consummate caution and patience, at that time. i never put myself in her power, never risked offending, or frightening, or revolting her; never lost an opportunity of bringing her back to her old habits of familiarity; and, more than all, never gave her mother a single opportunity of detecting me. this was the sum of what i gathered up, bit by bit, from secret and scattered investigations, persevered in through many weeks.
“her vanity had been hurt, her expectations disappointed, at my having left her for lyons, with no other parting words than such as i might have spoken to any other woman whom i looked on merely as a friend. that she felt any genuine love for me i never have believed, and never shall: but i had that practical ability, that firmness of will, that obvious personal ascendancy over most of those with whom i came in contact, which extorts the respect and admiration of women of all characters, and even of women of no character at all. as far as her senses, her instincts, and her pride could take her, i had won her over to me but no farther — because no farther could she go. i mention pride among her motives, advisedly. she was proud of being the object of such attentions as i had now paid to her for years, because she fancied that, through those attentions, i, who, more or less, ruled everyone else in her sphere, had yielded to her the power of ruling me. the manner of my departure from england showed her too plainly that she had miscalculated her influence, and that the power, in her case, as in the case of others, was all on my side. hence the wound to her vanity, to which i have alluded.
“it was while this wound was still fresh that you met her, and appealed to her self-esteem in a new direction. you must have seen clearly enough, that such proposals as yours far exceeded the most ambitious expectations formed by her father. no man’s alliance could have lifted her much higher out of her own class: she knew this, and from that knowledge married you — married you for your station, for your name, for your great friends and connections, for your father’s money, and carriages, and fine houses; for everything, in short, but yourself.
“still, in spite of the temptations of youth, wealth, and birth which your proposals held out to her, she accepted them at first (i made her confess it herself) with a secret terror and misgiving, produced by the remembrance of me. these sensations, however, she soon quelled, or fancied she quelled; and these, it was now my last, best chance to revive. i had a whole year for the work before me; and i felt certain of success.
“on your side, you had immense advantages. you had social superiority; you had her father’s full approbation; and you were married to her. if she had loved you for yourself, loved you for anything besides her own sensual interests, her vulgar ambition, her reckless vanity, every effort i could have made against you would have been defeated from the first. but, setting this out of the question, in spite of the utter heartlessness of her attachment to you, if you had not consented to that condition of waiting a year for her after marriage; or, consenting to it, if you had broken it long before the year was out — knowing, as you should have known, that in most women’s eyes a man is not dishonoured by breaking his promise, so long as he breaks it for a woman’s sake — if, i say, you had taken either of these courses, i should still have been powerless against you. but you remained faithful to your promise, faithful to the condition, faithful to the ill-directed modesty of your love; and that very fidelity put you in my power. a pure-minded girl would have loved you a thousand times better for acting as you did — but margaret sherwin was not a pure-minded girl, not a maidenly girl: i have looked into her thoughts, and i know it.
“such were your chances against me; and such was the manner in which you misused them. on my side, i had indefatigable patience; personal advantages equal, with the exception of birth and age, to yours: long-established influence; freedom to be familiar; and more than all, that stealthy, unflagging strength of purpose which only springs from the desire of revenge. i first thoroughly tested your character, and discovered on what points it was necessary for me to be on my guard against you, when you took shelter under my roof from the storm. if your father had been with you on that night, there were moments, while the tempest was wrought to its full fury, when, if my voice could have called the thunder down on the house to crush it and every one in it to atoms, i would have spoken the word, and ended the strife for all of us. the wind, the hail, and the lightning maddened my thoughts of your father and you — i was nearly letting you see it, when that flash came between us as we parted at my door.
“how i gained your confidence, you know; and you know also, how i contrived to make you use me, afterwards, as the secret friend who procured you privileges with margaret which her father would not grant at your own request. this, at the outset, secured me from suspicion on your part; and i had only to leave it to your infatuation to do the rest. with you my course was easy — with her it was beset by difficulties; but i overcame them. your fatal consent to wait through a year of probation, furnished me with weapons against you, which i employed to the most unscrupulous purpose. i can picture to myself what would be your indignation and your horror, if i fully described the use which i made of the position in which your compliance with her father’s conditions placed you towards margaret. i spare you this avowal — it would be useless now. consider me what you please; denounce my conduct in any terms you like: my justification will always be the same. i was the injured man, you were the aggressor; i was righting myself by getting back a possession of which you had robbed me, and any means were sanctified by such an end as that.
“but my success, so far, was of little avail, in itself; against the all-powerful counter-attraction which you possessed. contemptible, or not, you still had this superiority over me — you could make a fine lady of her. from that fact sprang the ambition which all my influence, dating as it did from her childhood, could not destroy. there, was fastened the main-spring which regulated her selfish devotion to you, and which it was next to impossible to snap asunder. i never made the attempt.
“the scheme which i proposed to her, when she was fully prepared to hear it, and to conceal that she had heard it, left her free to enjoy all the social advantages which your alliance could bestow — free to ride in her carriage, and go into her father’s shop (that was one of her ambitions!) as a new customer added to his aristocratic connection — free even to become one of your family, unsuspected, in case your rash marriage was forgiven. your credulity rendered the execution of this scheme easy. in what manner it was to be carried out, and what object i proposed to myself in framing it, i abstain from avowing; for the simple reason that the discovery at which you arrived by following us on the night of the party, made my plan abortive, and has obliged me since to renounce it. i need only say, in this place, that it threatened your father as well as you, and that margaret recoiled from it at first — not from any horror of the proposal, but through fear of discovery. gradually, i overcame her apprehensions: very gradually, for i was not thoroughly secure of her devotion to my purpose, until your year of probation was nearly out.
“through all that year, daily visitor as you were at north villa, you never suspected either of us! and yet, had you been one whit less infatuated, how many warnings you might have discovered, which, in spite of her duplicity and my caution, would then have shown themselves plainly enough to put you on your guard! those abrupt changes in her manner, those alternate fits of peevish silence and capricious gaiety, which sometimes displayed themselves even in your presence, had every one of them their meaning — though you could not discern it. sometimes, they meant fear of discovery, sometimes fear of me: now, they might be traced back to hidden contempt; now, to passions swelling under fancied outrage; now, to secret remembrance of disclosures i had just made, or eager anticipation of disclosures i had yet to reveal. there were times at which every step of the way along which i was advancing was marked, faintly yet significantly, in her manner and her speech, could you only have interpreted them aright. my first renewal of my old influence over her, my first words that degraded you in her eyes, my first successful pleading of my own cause against yours, my first appeal to those passions in her which i knew how to move, my first proposal to her of the whole scheme which i had matured in solitude, in the foreign country, by the banks of the great river — all these separate and gradual advances on my part towards the end which i was vowed to achieve, were outwardly shadowed forth in her, consummate as were her capacities for deceit, and consummately as she learnt to use them against you.
“do you remember noticing, on your return from the country, how ill margaret looked, and how ill i looked? we had some interviews during your absence, at which i spoke such words to her as would have left their mark on the face of a jezebel, or a messalina. have you forgotten how often, during the latter days of your year of expectation, i abruptly left the room after you had called me in to bear you company in your evening readings? my pretext was sudden illness; and illness it was, but not of the body. as the time approached, i felt less and less secure of my own caution and patience. with you, indeed, i might still have considered myself safe: it was the presence of mrs. sherwin that drove me from the room. under that woman’s fatal eye i shrank, when the last days drew near — i, who had defied her detection, and stood firmly on my guard against her sleepless, silent, deadly vigilance, for months and months — gave way as the end approached! i knew that she had once or twice spoken strangely to you, and i dreaded lest her wandering, incoherent words might yet take in time a recognisable direction, a palpable shape. they did not; the instinct of terror bound her tongue to the last. perhaps, even if she had spoken plainly, you would not have believed her; you would have been still true to yourself and to your confidence in margaret. enemy as i am to you, enemy as i will be to the day of your death, i will do you justice for the past:— your love for that girl was a love which even the purest and best of women could never have thoroughly deserved.
“my letter is nearly done: my retrospect is finished. i have brought it down to the date of events, about which you know as much as i do. accident conducted you to a discovery which, otherwise, you might not have made, perhaps for months, perhaps not at all, until i had led you to it of my own accord. i say accident, positively; knowing that from first to last i trusted no third person. what you know, you knew by accident alone.
“but for that chance discovery, you would have seen me bring her back to north villa at the appointed time, in my care, just as she went out. i had no dread of her meeting you. but enough of her! i shall dispose of her future, as i had resolved to dispose of it years ago; careless how she may be affected when she first sees the hideous alteration which your attack has wrought in me. enough, i say, of the sherwins — father, mother, and daughter — your destiny lies not with them, but with me.
“do you still exult in having deformed me in every feature, in having given me a face to revolt every human being who looks at me? do you triumph in the remembrance of this atrocity, as you triumphed in the acting of it — believing that you had destroyed my future with margaret, in destroying my very identity as a man? i tell you, that with the hour when i leave this hospital your day of triumph will be over, and your day of expiation will begin — never to end till the death of one of us. you shall live — refined educated gentleman as you are — to wish, like a ruffian, that you had killed me; and your father shall live to wish it too.
“am i trying to awe you with the fierce words of a boaster and a bully? test me, by looking back a little, and discovering what i have abstained from for the sake of my purpose, since i have been here. a word or two from my lips, in answer to the questions with which i have been baited, day after day, by those about me, would have called you before a magistrate to answer for an assault — a shocking and a savage assault, even in this country, where hand to hand brutality is a marketable commodity between the prisoner and the law. your father’s name might have been publicly coupled with your dishonour, if i had but spoken; and i was silent. i kept the secret — kept it, because to avenge myself on you by a paltry scandal, which you and your family (opposing to it wealth, position, previous character, and general sympathy) would live down in a few days, was not my revenge: because to be righted before magistrates and judges by a beggarman’s exhibition of physical injury, and a coward’s confession of physical defeat, was not my way of righting myself. i have a lifelong retaliation in view, which laws and lawgivers are powerless either to aid or to oppose — the retaliation which set a mark upon cain (as i will set a mark on you); and then made his life his punishment (as i will make your life yours).
“how? remember what my career has been; and know that i will make your career like it. as my father’s death by the hangman affected my existence, so the events of that night when you followed me shall affect yours. your father shall see you living the life to which his evidence against my father condemned me— shall see the foul stain of your disaster clinging to you wherever you go. the infamy with which i am determined to pursue you, shall be your own infamy that you cannot get quit of — for you shall never get quit of me, never get quit of the wife who has dishonoured you. you may leave your home, and leave england; you may make new friends, and seek new employments; years and years may pass away — and still, you shall not escape us: still, you shall never know when we are near, or when we are distant; when we are ready to appear before you, or when we are sure to keep out of your sight. my deformed face and her fatal beauty shall hunt you through the world. the terrible secret of your dishonour, and of the atrocity by which you avenged it, shall ooze out through strange channels, in vague shapes, by tortuous intangible processes; ever changing in the manner of its exposure, never remediable by your own resistance, and always directed to the same end — your isolation as a marked man, in every fresh sphere, among every new community to which you retreat.
“do you call this a very madness of malignity and revenge? it is the only occupation in life for which your mutilation of me has left me fit; and i accept it, as work worthy of my deformity. in the prospect of watching how you bear this hunting through life, that never quite hunts you down; how long you resist the poison-influence, as slow as it is sure, of a crafty tongue that cannot be silenced, of a denouncing presence that cannot be fled, of a damning secret torn from you and exposed afresh each time you have hidden it — there is the promise of a nameless delight which it sometimes fevers, sometimes chills my blood to think of. lying in this place at night, in those hours of darkness and stillness when the surrounding atmosphere of human misery presses heavy on me in my heavy sleep, prophecies of dread things to come between us, trouble my spirit in dreams. at those times, i know, and shudder in knowing, that there is something besides the motive of retaliation, something less earthly and apparent than that, which urges me horribly and supernaturally to link myself to you for life; which makes me feel as the bearer of a curse that shall follow you; as the instrument of a fatality pronounced against you long ere we met — a fatality beginning before our fathers were parted by the hangman; perpetuating itself in you and me; ending who shall say how, or when?
“beware of comforting yourself with a false security, by despising my words, as the wild words of a madman, dreaming of the perpetration of impossible crimes. throughout this letter i have warned you of what you may expect; because i will not assail you at disadvantage, as you assailed me; because it is my pleasure to ruin you, openly resisting me at every step. i have given you fair play, as the huntsmen give fair play at starting to the animal they are about to run down. be warned against seeking a false hope in the belief that my faculties are shaken, and that my resolves are visionary — false, because such a hope is only despair in disguise.
“i have done. the time is not far distant when my words will become deeds. they cure fast in a public hospital: we shall meet soon!
“robert mannion.”
“we shall meet soon!”
how? where? i looked back at the last page of writing. but my attention wandered strangely; i confused one paragraph with another; the longer i read, the less i was able to grasp the meaning, not of sentences merely, but even of the simplest words.
from the first lines to the last, the letter had produced no distinct impressions on my mind. so utterly was i worn out by the previous events of the day, that even those earlier portions of mannion’s confession, which revealed the connection between my father and his, and the terrible manner of their separation, hardly roused me to more than a momentary astonishment. i just called to remembrance that i had never heard the subject mentioned at home, except once or twice in vague hints dropped mysteriously by an old servant, and little regarded by me at the time, as referring to matters which had happened before i was born. i just reflected thus briefly and languidly on the narrative at the commencement of the letter; and then mechanically read on. except the passages which contained the exposure of margaret’s real character, and those which described the origin and progress of mannion’s infamous plot, nothing in the letter impressed me, as i was afterwards destined to be impressed by it, on a second reading. the lethargy of all feeling into which i had now sunk, seemed a very lethargy of death.
i tried to clear and concentrate my faculties by thinking of other subjects; but without success. all that i had heard and seen since the morning, now recurred to me more and more vaguely and confusedly. i could form no plan either for the present or the future. i knew as little how to meet mr. sherwin’s last threat of forcing me to acknowledge his guilty daughter, as how to defend myself against the life-long hostility with which i was menaced by mannion. a feeling of awe and apprehension, which i could trace to no distinct cause, stole irresistibly and mysteriously over me. a horror of the searching brightness of daylight, a suspicion of the loneliness of the place to which i had retreated, a yearning to be among my fellow-creatures again, to live where there was life — the busy life of london — overcame me. i turned hastily, and walked back from the suburbs to the city.
it was growing towards evening as i gained one of the great thoroughfares. seeing some of the inhabitants of the houses, as i walked along, sitting at their open windows to enjoy the evening air, the thought came to me for the first time that day:— where shall i lay my head tonight? home i had none. friends who would have gladly received me were not wanting; but to go to them would oblige me to explain myself; to disclose something of the secret of my calamity; and this i was determined to keep concealed, as i had told my father i would keep it. my last-left consolation was my knowledge of still preserving that resolution, of still honourably holding by it at all hazards, cost what it might.
so i thought no more of succour or sympathy from any one of my friends. as a stranger i had been driven from my home, and as a stranger i was resigned to live, until i had learnt how to conquer my misfortune by my own vigour and endurance. firm in this determination, though firm in nothing else, i now looked around me for the first shelter i could purchase from strangers — the humbler the better.
i happened to be in the poorest part, and on the poorest side of the great street along which i was walking — among the inferior shops, and the houses of few stories. a room to let was not hard to find here. i took the first i saw; escaped questions about names and references by paying my week’s rent in advance; and then found myself left in possession of the one little room which i must be resigned to look on for the future — perhaps for a long future!— as my home.
home! a dear and a mournful remembrance was revived in the reflections suggested by that simple word. through the darkness that thickened over my mind, there now passed one faint ray of light which gave promise of the morning — the light of the calm face that i had last looked on when it was resting on my father’s breast.
clara! my parting words to her, when i had unclasped from my neck those kind arms which would fain have held me to home for ever, had expressed a promise that was yet unfulfilled. i trembled as i now thought on my sister’s situation. not knowing whither i had turned my steps on leaving home; uncertain to what extremities my despair might hurry me; absolutely ignorant even whether she might ever see me again — it was terrible to reflect on the suspense under which she might be suffering, at this very moment, on my account. my promise to write to her, was of all promises the most vitally important, and the first that should be fulfilled.
my letter was very short. i communicated to her the address of the house in which i was living (well knowing that nothing but positive information on this point would effectually relieve her anxiety)— i asked her to write in reply, and let me hear some news of her, the best that she could give — and i entreated her to believe implicitly in my patience and courage under every disaster; and to feel assured that, whatever happened, i should never lose the hope of soon meeting her again. of the perils that beset me, of the wrong and injury i might yet be condemned to endure, i said nothing. those were truths which i was determined to conceal from her, to the last. she had suffered for me more than i dared think of, already!
i sent my letter by hand, so as to ensure its immediate delivery. in writing those few simple lines, i had no suspicion of the important results which they were destined to produce. in thinking of to-morrow, and of all the events which to-morrow might bring with it, i little thought whose voice would be the first to greet me the next day, whose hand would be held out to me as the helping hand of a friend.