ben rushed up the narrow stairs three steps at a time, while millicent sat listening with her heart beating against her breast. if he had known the flutter it was making, how glad, how hopeful, how proud the poor young fool would have been! and it was all for him. a sudden hush fell upon him as he went in at the sacred door. such a privilege had never been accorded him before. he had sat with millicent by her mother’s side; he had spoken to her even while mrs. tracy went about from one occupation to another, leaving them virtually alone; but to have her all to himself for,—how long?—a year,—half an hour,—a splendid moment detached from ordinary calculations of time! his eagerness died into the stillness of passion as he went in. she did not get up from her seat, but greeted him with a little touch of her lovely hand, with a subdued gracious smile. if it could be possible that she was a little moved by it,—a little breathless, too! he came and sat down opposite the window, as near her{104} as he dared;—his eyes now shining, poor fellow! and great waves of colour passing over his face.

‘your mother said i might come,’ he faltered, with the very imbecility of blessedness. and millicent nodded her beautiful head kindly at him again.

‘mamma thought i would be lonely,’ she said. ‘poor dear mamma! she thinks too much of me.’

‘that is not possible,’ said ben. ‘and,—how could she think of anything else? ah, if you would but let me try to amuse you a little! you are so young,—so——; i envy your brother,’ said the lover, growing red, ‘when i see how you give him all your thoughts.’

‘not all,’ said millicent, ‘oh, indeed, not all! poor fitzgerald! but we have so many things to think of. there is no more amusement for poor mamma and me.’

‘amusement is a poor sort of thing,’ said ben. ‘you don’t think i meant balls and operas? i am not such a wretched fellow as that. what i meant was, if—if you would but try to look round you, and see that there are others in the world——’ here he made a pause, half out of awe of the words that were on his lips, half with a lover’s device to fix her attention upon them, half because of the grasp of passion upon himself which impeded his breathing and his voice,—‘who love you,’ said ben at last, abruptly, ‘as well,—ten thousand times better than any brother in the world.{105}’

he was not thinking of hamlet,—but passion is something like genius, and finds a similar expression now and then in very absence of all thought.

‘ah, mr. renton,’ said millicent, ‘you must not say those sort of things to me. poor, dear fitzgerald was not so very fond of me. some women get loved like that, but i don’t think i am one of them. hush now! if you are going to speak nonsense i must send you away.’

‘it is no nonsense,’ said ben. ‘if you could but have seen my heart all the time i have been here! it has had no thought but one. i know i am a fool to say so,—if i were a prince instead of a disinherited knight—— ’

‘disinherited?’ said millicent, losing in a moment the soft droop of her hand, the soft fall of her eyelids,—all those tender indications of a modest emotion,—sitting bolt upright and looking him straight in the face. ‘mr. renton, what do you mean?’

the suddenness of the change gave him a certain thrill. he did not understand it, nor had he time at such a moment to pause and ask himself what it meant. he felt the jar all over him, but went on all the same. ‘yes, i am disinherited,’ he said, leaning over her, meeting her startled glance with eyes full of such a real and fiery glow of passion as struck her dumb. ‘if it had not been so, could i have borne to keep silent all this time and never say a word to you? i am a wretch to say anything now. i have been a{106} fool to come here. now i think of it, i have no right to any answer. i have nothing—nothing to offer. but, millicent, let me tell you,—don’t deny me that,—this once!’

‘mr. renton,’ said millicent, ‘i do not know what you have to tell me. it is so strange, all this. and i have been thinking all the time you were—— never mind speaking to me about myself; that does not interest me. tell me about this.’

‘i will tell you everything,’ said ben, ‘and then you will give me my sentence,—death or life,—that is what it will be. don’t take up your work. oh, how can you be so calm, you women? cannot you see what it is to me;—death or life?’

millicent looked up at him, dropping her work hesitatingly on her knee. when he met that glance, the blue eyes looked so wondering, so wistful, so innocent, that poor ben in his madness got down on his knees and kissed the hand that lay in her lap and the muslin that surrounded it, and cried out, with a kind of sweet heart-break;—‘yes, it is right you should be calm; i love you best so. for me, the earth and the passions; for you, heaven. i agree,—that is what god must have meant.’

with a deeper wonder still,—a real wonder,—that made her face angelic, millicent listened, and felt the hot lips touch her hand. what did the madman mean? what was he agreeing to and approving? had he found her out? was he mocking{107} her? she was so bewildered that she said nothing; and she was touched, too, at her heart. she had an impulse to lay her other hand on his head, and smooth down the curls upon it with a touch of natural kindness and pity. poor boy! whose head was all running on wild nonsense, and who could not understand the nature of her thoughts. ‘mr. renton,’ she said, with a little tremble in her voice, which was not affected,—‘i am alone. whatever you have to say to me it must not be said in this way.’

he rose up abashed and penitent, poor fellow! feeling the serene, fair creature worlds above him; and yet taking courage because of that little shake in her voice. ‘forgive me,’ he said, with broken words,—‘i did not know any better. i thought on my knees was the most natural way. but i see. a man goes on his knees to the woman that loves him; but i—— only love you.’

and then he stood away from her and gazed at her, looking down from his height on her low seat, her drooping head, with such humility and splendour of devotion, that poor millicent was dazzled. men had told her this same thing before, but never in this way. somehow it made her shrink a little, and feel a certain shame. not good enough to go on his knees to her, he thought;—and yet, oh, so much more innocent, so much purer and better than she! such an extraordinary scene had never occurred to{108} her before; and in face of the unknown being standing before her, all her experience failed, and she could not tell what to do. ‘don’t speak like that,’ she said, half peevishly, in her discomfiture. ‘i am not a queen, nor una, nor anything of the kind; and you are not king arthur, that i know of. come and sit down by me as you were before, and tell me about yourself. that is much more interesting. i do not believe you are disinherited. come and tell me what you mean.’

after a moment ben obeyed. he was nearer to her so; and she sat and gazed up at him, with heartfelt interest, which made him flush all over with a warm thrill of happiness. she gave all her attention to his story. he told her everything, watching the fluctuations, the shades of surprise, of sympathy, of something else which he could not divine, on her face. once she put out her hand to him with a momentary compassionate impulse. she was deeply interested; there was no fiction in that. she was still more deeply disappointed,—sorry for herself, sorry for him. and ben thought it was all for him. when she took her hand back again, away from him, and sighed, and suffered the cloud to fall over her face, his heart began to ache for her; for her, not for himself. he had roused her sympathy too far;—he had given her pain.

‘don’t be so sorry for me,’ he said, with his lip quivering, ‘or you will make me too happy. what{109} do i mind if you care? i am young enough to make a way for myself,—and, millicent, for you too,—if——’ cried the young man, drawing closer to her. what could she do with such a passionate suitor? perhaps she was not so sensitive to avoid the touch, the close approach, the almost embrace of the man she could not accept, as a more innocent girl would have been; though, indeed, there was not a touch of the wanton in her, poor girl! she was an adventuress and mercenary;—that was all.

‘oh, mr. renton, don’t speak so!’ she said, ‘you don’t know what you are saying. though i am a woman i know the world better than you do. it is very, very hard to make your way. look at poor fitzgerald. and when you have tied a burden round your neck to begin with! ah, no; you must not talk of this any more.’

‘burden!’ cried ben, all glowing and brightening. ‘i like that! divine cordial, you mean;—elixir of life, to make a man twice as strong, twice as able. ah, look here, millicent—you said round my neck!’

‘i said nonsense,’ she said, withdrawing from him; ‘and so do you. double nonsense,—folly! what could we two do together? i did not know about this, or that your father was dead, or anything. don’t look so wondering at me. what had i to do with it? mr. renton, i have not been brought up rich like you. i know what the world is,{110} and bitter, bitter poverty. oh, how bitter it is! you are playing at being poor; but if you should ever be put to such shifts as some people are;—if you should have to fly and hide yourself for the want of a little money;—if you had to live hard, and be shabby, and not very honest—— oh, don’t speak to me!’ cried millicent, turning away from him, and bursting into uncontrollable tears. she was angry, and her heart was sore; she had seemed so near comfort, and prosperity, and happiness. ‘even i could have been fond of him!’ she said to herself, bitterly. and now he could tell her calmly that he was disinherited! such a disappointment after such a delicious sense of security was more than millicent could bear. she could govern herself, as a man guides a horse, when she chose; but when she did not choose, her self-abandonment was absolute. since he was to be good for nothing to her, she cared no longer for what ben renton might think. she thrust her pretty shoulders up, and turned from him and cried. she was sick with disappointment. and it was her way not to care for appearances except when they were of use, which they could no longer be here.

as for ben, he sat looking on with a consternation and amazement not to be described. he grew sick, too, and faint, and giddy with the great downfall. but he was no more able to understand her now than she had been to understand him a little while before.{111} for some minutes he only gazed at her, his own eyes brimming over with remorse,—for was it not he who had driven her to tears? and he felt for her the tenderest longing and pity. he wanted to take her into his arms to comfort her; and would not, being too reverent to take such advantage of her distress. but he could not sit still and look on. he got up and went away to the other end of the room, shaking the whole house with his agitated steps. then he came and knelt down before her, and touched softly the hands that covered her face.

‘oh, millicent,’ he cried, ‘don’t break my heart! i would rather have died than deceived you. tell me what is the matter. tell me what i can do. i will do anything in the world you please. it cannot be you who are poor. you ought to have everything. oh, millicent, say one word to me if you do not mean to break my heart!’

‘it would do no good if i were to speak,’ sobbed millicent. ‘i have nothing to say. go away, and never mind,—that is the best.’

‘but i will mind; and i cannot go away,’ said ben; and he drew one of her hands from her flushed cheek, and held it fast. he ‘made her do it.’ that was what she said to herself years after when the remembrance would rankle in her mind. he made her do it. he held her hand close in his, and drew from her the story of all her woes: their debts, their destitution; her mother’s health, which was failing,{112} the baths in germany which she was ordered, but could not get to,—all the miserable story. she poured it out to ben as she never would have done had he been her accepted lover,—mingling the narrative with tears, with broken sobs, with entreaties to him not to make her say more. and all the time her hand was in his,—soft, and warm, and trembling;—her eyes now raised to him with pitiful looks, now sinking in shame and distress. and there was nobody near to interfere in this humiliating scene. even the mother, who was lingering intentionally along the streets to give full time for the explanation, would have shrunk with a pang of pride and horror from such a revelation as this. but the two were alone, and had it all their own way. ben himself sat by millicent’s side in a very ecstasy of tenderness and pity. if he could but have taken her in his arms, and carried her away,—away from the suffering, the trouble, the shame! yes, he felt there was shame in it,—confusedly, painfully, with a burning red on his cheek,—and yet was intoxicated and overwhelmed by her touch, by her look, by the love he had for her. they sat together as in a trance,—passion, tenderness, trickery, mean hopes and great, shame and pride and dear love, all mingling together. such a story to be linked on to a love-tale! such a love, veiling its face with its wings, loving the deeper to hide the shame!

when mrs. tracy returned, with a very audible{113} knock at the door, ben rose and tore himself away, his heart, and even his bodily frame, all thrilling and tingling with the excitement through which he had passed. she had no sooner ascended the stairs than he seized his hat and tore out, jumping into the first hansom he encountered, with the instinct of old times, and dashing down to the far-off city,—blocked up as ever in all its thoroughfares where men in haste would pass. it was not too late to find his father’s agent in one of the mean alleys about cheapside, who would pay him his allowance. it was just the time for it, by good luck. and then he rushed off to christie’s, and had an earnest conversation about the buhl and the china which were not yet sold. he took no time to consider anything;—such a state of affairs could not, must not last a day. this was what he was saying to himself over and over. it must not last. he had no room for more than that thought.

when mrs. tracy entered the drawing-room she found her daughter lying back in her chair, with her handkerchief pressed to her eyes. millicent let her approach without uncovering her face, or taking any notice, and the anxiety of the mother grew into alarm as she drew near. she had said ‘well?’ with expectation and interest as she came in, feeling very sure of the tale there must be to tell. but as she came nearer and saw that millicent did not move, mrs. tracy got very much frightened. ‘good heavens, millicent! do you mean to say it has come{114} to nothing?’ she cried sharply, with keen anxiety. but millicent was by no means prepared to answer. she had been shaken by this totally unexpected, unlikely sort of interview. it had gone to her heart, though she had not been very sure whether she had a heart; and she did not know now how to explain, or what to say.

‘has it come to nothing?’ mrs. tracy repeated, coming up and shaking her daughter by the shoulder. ‘millicent! are not you ashamed of yourself? what have you been doing? i know he has only just left you, for i heard him rush down-stairs.’

‘it has come to a great deal,’ said millicent, uncovering her flushed and tear-stained cheeks. ‘don’t worry me, mamma. i will tell you everything if you will but let me alone.’

‘everything!’ said mrs. tracy in an excited tone.

‘yes, everything; but it is nothing,’ said millicent, doggedly. ‘you must not give yourself any hopes. it is all over. it will never come to more; but you shall not say a word,’ she added, with indignation. ‘i tell you i am fond of him. i will not have anything said. he is too good for you or me.’

‘it will never come to more!’ echoed mrs. tracy, holding up her hands in amaze and appeal to heaven. ‘and she dares to look me in the face and say so! six months lost,—and rent, and firing, and the bills!’ cried the injured mother. then she threw herself{115} down in a chair, and moaned, and rocked herself. ‘if it is to come to nothing!’ she said. ‘oh, you ungrateful, unkind girl! oh, my poor fitzgerald!—perhaps you’ll tell me what we are to do.’

a little pause ensued. the disappointment was too sharp and bitter to be kept within the bounds of politeness, and millicent was not prepared to enter into full explanations. while mrs. tracy vented her disappointment in reproaches, her daughter sat flushed, tearful, motionless, dreaming over the scene that had passed, wondering within herself whether anything could, anything would come of it after all,—neither hearing nor listening to her mother,—half ashamed of herself, and yet not come to an end of expectation still. ‘he will do something, whatever it is,’ she said to herself. ‘it has not ended here.’

‘i never would have stayed on in these dear lodgings,’ mrs. tracy went on: ‘never, but for this; you know i wouldn’t. it was only to have been for a week or two when we came. oh, the money you have cost me,—you and your nonsense! and now nothing is to come of it! am i never to be the better of my children,—i that have done so much for them? to waste all my life and my means, and everything; and nothing to come of it!’ she cried. ‘oh, you are a beautiful manager! and six months lost for this!’

‘mamma, you need not be so violent,’ said millicent. ‘it is not my fault. do you think i am not{116} as disappointed as you can be? and some good may come of it, though not what we thought. he will make it up to you somehow. for my part i have no doubt of that.’

‘what is it you have no doubt of?’ said mrs. tracy. ‘you are more and more a mystery to me. good gracious, millicent! you make me think you have fallen in love with him,—or—some folly! but you must leave that sort of thing to people who can afford it. we must have some prospect for the future,—or—we must leave this.’

‘yes, mamma; only just leave me alone,—i can’t talk,’ she said, fretfully; but then added, with an effort, ‘it is not his fault, poor fellow! he is disinherited. could he help that? it was we who were the fools to think he would come to this poky place all for me.’

mrs. tracy swelled to such heights of moral indignation as would have annihilated ben had he been present, when she heard this. ‘disinherited!’ she cried. ‘millicent, you may say what you like, but it is nothing less than swindling. good heavens, to think of such a thing! disinherited! do you mean to tell me it is a man without a penny that one has been paying such attention to? oh, what a world this is! he might just as well have robbed me of fifty pounds,—not that fifty pounds would pay the expense i have been at. and i don’t believe a word of it!’ she cried, getting up with sudden passion. if{117} there had been any one below to hear how her foot thrilled across the echoing floor, she might even now have restrained herself. but she knew that nobody was below.

‘i believe it,’ said millicent, rousing up. ‘he was too much in earnest, poor boy! he wanted to work for me, and all kinds of nonsense. and it would be better to have him to work for me,’ she added, half-tenderly, half-defiant, ‘though he has not a penny, than be worried and bullied like this every day of one’s life.’

‘are you mad?’ cried her mother, stopping suddenly, appalled by the words. ‘you are in love with him, you wicked girl! you are in a plot with this beggar against me.’

‘he shall not be called a beggar!’ cried millicent, ‘so long as i am here to speak for him. it is we who are beggars, not ben renton.’

‘you are in love with him!’ cried mrs. tracy, almost with a scream of scorn. the accusation was such that millicent shrank before it for the moment, but she did not give way.

‘i wonder if i shall be in love with anybody again?’ she said; and then a sigh burst from her unawares. ‘poor fellow! poor boy! he is so good, and he will never forget me!’

‘if he had really cared a straw for you he would never have come here!’ cried mrs. tracy. ‘love{118}!—call that love! for a man without a penny! i call it pure selfishness. but he shall never come near you again,—never. oh, what am i to do?—where am i to take you? we cannot stay here.’

‘we are going to wiesbaden, for your health,’ said millicent. it came upon her all at once that she had told him so, making use, involuntarily, of her mother’s suggestion. ‘wait, and see what comes of it,’ she added, with oracular meaning, which she did not herself understand. and after a while mrs. tracy’s passion sank into quiet too. when people live from day to day without any power of arranging matters beforehand, and specially when they live upon their wits, trusting to the scheme of the minute for such comforts as it can secure, they have to believe in chances good and evil. something might come of it. somehow, at the last moment, matters might mend. she sat down with that power of abstracting herself from her anxiety which is given to the mind of the adventurer, and recovered her breath, and took her cup of tea. she had scarcely finished that refreshment when the maid knocked at the drawing-room door with ben’s letter. mrs. tracy flew at her daughter as though she would have torn the meaning out of the paper, which millicent opened with the slowness of agitation; but she had to wait all the same while it was gone over twice, every word; the very enclosures in it,—and it was very evident that{119} there were enclosures,—were hidden in millicent’s clenched hand from her mother’s eyes. she was wilfully cruel in her self-humiliation. and yet it was mrs. tracy, and not millicent, who answered the letter which poor ben had written, as it were, with his heart’s blood.