for the next six months ben renton lived a strange life,—strange at least for him, who up to this time had been a young man of fashion,—répandu in the world,—with an interest in all the events, and all the gossip almost as important as events, that circulated in that curious, insincere, most limited sphere. he put his rooms into the hands of messrs. robins to be let, and he put his buhl and his pictures into those of the messrs. christie to sell,—and naturally, as it was september, no good came of either attempt for some months; and he took the ground-floor at no. 10, guildford street, manchester square. it would be difficult to describe the change which thus fell upon him. he who had gone about the parks, about the highways and thoroughfares of the world, as in a hamlet, knowing everybody,—dining, dancing, chattering with every third person he met; now walked about the humdrum streets like a creature dropped out of the sky,—a stranger to all, seeing only strange faces around him. he whose life had{87} been minutely regulated and mapped out, not indeed by duty, but by that routine of society which serves the same purpose, wandered aimlessly about all day, or sat in his dingy parlour over a novel, with the strangest sense of idleness and uselessness. he had not been much more industrious in the old days, when he went from the row to his club, from his club to the drive, with the weighty duties before him of dressing and dining, strolling down, perhaps to the lobby of the ‘house,’ or going from box to box at an opera. these occupations were not of very profound note among the industries of the day; but they filled up the vacant hours with a certain system and necessity. now he had nothing of that kind to do. he might go and stroll about the deserted parks; he might sit at home and work his way through one bundle of three volumes after another, and nobody would interfere with him. he had nothing to do. he had never done anything all his life, and yet he had never found it out before. one event there was still to break the monotonous existence of each dull day. sometimes it was that he encountered mrs. tracy and her daughter as they went out, and was permitted to accompany them; sometimes that he was admitted to the drawing-room up-stairs in the evening. they were very cautious in those first openings of friendship; more cautious than they had been in its earliest beginning. sometimes it so happened that for an entire day, or{88} even two days, all that ben heard of his neighbours was the sound of their steps as they crossed the floor overhead, sending vibrations through the house and through his foolish heart. but yet the meeting with them was the event of the day to him,—the only one that gave life or colour to it. it was the sole gleam of light within his range of vision, and naturally his eye fixed on that gleam. sometimes it seemed to him that, instead of being the fallen man he was, he had come there in a voluntary abandonment of luxury and pleasantness for millicent tracy’s sake. though the young men of the nineteenth century are not given to romance, such a proceeding is still possible among them. and there were moments in which ben forgot that he had any other motive for his seclusion. it was a sudden infatuation, and yet there was nothing extraordinary in it. everything was so new to him in this changed and strange life, that any powerful influence suddenly brought into being was sure to take entire possession of the vacant space. as he sat in the gloom and quiet, with all that had hitherto occupied him gone from his grasp, and this one subtle fascination filling the air, it was scarcely wonderful that he should feel himself a pilgrim of love, giving up everything for the sake of his divinity,—keeping watch at her door, as it were, laying himself down at her feet, separating himself from the world for her service. a certain indescribable sense of her presence filled the house. the ceiling over his head thrilled under her{89} step,—the rustle of her dress on the stair, the distant sound of her voice or her name, seemed to echo down to him in the silence. though he saw her at the most once a-day, and not always so often, he felt her perpetually, and his mind was intoxicated by this magical new sense. he lived upon it like a fool,—like a man in love, which he was, though he knew nothing of millicent except that her eyes were heavenly eyes, and her voice as sweet as poetry. he had not cared much even for poetry hitherto, nor had much time for dreaming, and nature now took her revenge. his youth, his extraordinary circumstances, his unoccupied life, all conspired with this most potent of influences against him. at first there was not even any intention in his mind except that of seeing her, looking at her, filling his vacancy with the new lovely creature so suddenly placed before him; the place was empty and she had come in unawares, startling him by her smile. that was all that ben knew about it for the moment. to win her, and marry her, and enter into another and fuller phase of life, had not yet dawned on his thoughts. she had stolen in upon him like a new atmosphere,—a delicious air in which he lived and breathed. that was all. he meant nothing by it in the first place. he was not a free agent, voluntarily and consciously approaching a woman whom he wanted to make his wife. on the contrary, he was a man suddenly, without any will or purpose of his own, launched into a new world. he might not have{90} known that such worlds existed, so strange and new was everything to him; but the unthought-of, unknown influence possessed itself in a moment of the very fountains of his life.
it is not, however, to be supposed that ben was petted or made much of by the ladies whose retirement he had thus hastened to share. at first they even appeared to keep him at arm’s length with a reserve which chilled him much after their frank reception of dear mary westbury’s cousin. they retired within the enclosure of their grief when he became their fellow-lodger, passing him with slight salutations, with crape veils over their faces and all the adjuncts of woe, and receiving his visits, when he screwed up his courage to the point of going up-stairs, with the dignity of sorrow not yet able ‘to see people,’—a mode of treatment which gave ben a pang, not only of disappointment, but of shame, at his own vain hopes, and the false interpretations he had put on their first little overtures of cordiality. ‘that i should have dreamed they would care to see me,—and their grief still so fresh,’ he muttered to himself with self-disgust. but the ladies up-stairs, in their retirement, were by no means without thoughts of their new acquaintance. they discussed him fully, though he was so little aware of it, and considered him and his ways in more detail, and with much more understanding, than characterised his brooding over theirs. it was not{91} mrs. tracy’s fault that he was so coldly received. it was millicent who had barred the way against him,—millicent herself, whose paleness and sorrowful looks had given the last touch of tender pity and interest to his admiration. they were mutually mistaken in each other, as it happened; for the mother and daughter knew no more of ben than that he was the heir of renton, and were so foolish in their dreams as to believe that he had, indeed, given up all the delights of his former life to live in dingy lodgings in order to be near millicent. he had been struck with ‘love at first sight,’ they thought, and despised him a little, and were amused at the fact, though fully determined to take advantage of it. and so strange is human nature, that the mother and daughter would have been as much disgusted and disappointed had they known the complication of motives which sent the young man into their snare, as ben would have been had he been able to conceive the aspect in which they regarded him. he was a man of the world; and they were of the still sharper class of adventurers living on their wits; and yet they mutually believed in the single-mindedness, each of the other, with the simplicity of the peasant of romance. he thought the beautiful creature who had smiled so softly on him, and her kind mother, were interested really about himself; and they believed that he had thrown away all the daily brightness of existence for millicent’s sweet sake;{92}—so much faith had remained at the bottom of natures so sophisticated. it was a curious conjunction of cunning and innocence.
‘i am not going to make any pounce upon him,’ said millicent to her mother. ‘i won’t. you need not look so surprised. you may say what you like, but i know it is fatal to go too fast. men don’t like that sort of thing. they see through it, though you don’t think they do. they are not quite such fools. you must go softly this time, or i shall not go into it at all.’
‘millicent!’ said her mother severely, ‘when you talk in this wild way, how can you expect me to know what you mean?’
‘oh, bother!’ said millicent. the profile turned half away as she spoke was so perfect, and the lips that uttered the words so soft and rose-like, that any listener less accustomed would have distrusted her ears. mrs. tracy only made a little gesture of disapproval. even to herself the mother kept up her pretensions; but millicent was a girl of her century, and made believe only when the eye of the world was upon her. ‘i mean to take this into my own hands,’ she said. ‘you are not so clever as you were, mamma. you are getting rather old. let me alone to treat a man like ben renton. i must not throw myself at his head; he must suppose, at least, that he has had hard work to secure me.’
‘and i trust it will be so, millicent,’ said mrs.{93} tracy. ‘heaven forbid that a child of mine should throw herself at any gentleman’s head! it would break my heart, you know.’
‘oh, yes; i know,’ said the daughter, with a laugh; ‘though i never can understand what pleasure you have in pretending and keeping up your character to me. we ought to understand each other,—if any two people do understand each other in the world,’ the young woman added, not with much perception of the melancholy mystery she was thus skimming over, but yet vaguely conscious that even the mother beside her had secrets, and would take her own way if occasion served. each of them shocked the other by turns, though both stood low enough in point of moral appreciation. ‘you would sell me, as soon as look at me, if you could,’ millicent went on. ‘don’t deny it, for i know it; but ben renton is not in your line. it is i who must manage him.’
‘you will have your own way, i suppose, millicent,’ said her mother; ‘though what you mean by these coarse expressions i don’t understand. what i feel is that the poor young fellow is very solitary. and i am a mother,’ mrs. tracy said, with a little grandeur. ‘i feel it might be of use to him to ask him up here. it keeps a young man respectable when ladies notice him. it keeps him out of bad hands.’
millicent looked at her mother, with a gleam of laughter in her eyes. ‘it is beautiful to see you,{94} mamma,’ she said; ‘it is as good as a sermon. but i am not so anxious about his morals. you had much better leave it in my hands.’
this was how it came about that ben was so much thrown back on himself, and dismissed from the paradise of a drawing-room where his lady was, to the close, little, dingy, black-hair-clothed purgatory on the lower floor, to wait his promotion. a word, a look, half-an-hour’s talk now and then, raised him into the seventh heaven; but he was always cast back again; while, at the same time, her presence so near, the constant possibility of a meeting, the excitement of the situation, and the utter havoc of his own life, kept him suspended, he could not tell how, and banished all wholesome thoughts out of his head. the mutual pursuit and defence, the plans to see and to avoid being seen, the art of bestowing and with-holding, the perpetual expectation and possibility, engrossed the two completely after a time. it engrossed the witch as much as it did the victim. when men and women have passed the age,—if the age is ever passed,—of such contests, it is difficult to realise the way in which the lives of those engaged in them become absorbed in one interest. each meeting between the two, were it only of a minute’s duration, occupied their minds as if it had been an event. to watch him out and in, to calculate what she should say to him next time, how soon she might venture the next tightening of her line, filled milli{95}cent’s thoughts as she sat over her work by the window up-stairs; while the sound of her foot, the faintest movement over-head, the coming or going on the stairs, the rustle of the dress passing his door, occupied ben like the most exciting drama. it was madness, yet it was nature. the mother, who was looking on with an eve merely to the result, grew impatient, and felt disposed to throw up the matter and turn her attention to other things. mrs. tracy was poor, and now that her son had altogether failed her, even in possibility, it was essential that her daughter should take his place. but millicent gave no encouragement to the vague plans that fluttered through her mother’s mind. she, too, was engrossed, as people are engrossed only by such a strange duel and struggle of two lives. and the six months passed with her, as with ben, like one long, exciting, feverish day.
‘you don’t get a step farther on,’ said mrs. tracy; ‘you are just where you were, shilly-shallying,—no better than your brother. my poor fitzgerald! if he had been spared, he might have been a help to me. providence is very strange! he lived long enough to be a burden and take every penny we had; and then, when he might have made me some return—— and it is just the same thing, over again, with you.’
‘don’t speak of fitzgerald, mamma,’ said millicent. ‘i was fond of him, although you may not think it. you worried him till he could not bear it{96} any longer; but you cannot get rid of me like that. i will never shoot myself. i mean to live in spite of everything,—and i mean to take my own time.’
‘you are an unnatural girl!’ cried mrs. tracy, with excitement. ‘did not i do everything for that boy? tutors and books, and i don’t know what; and then to break down. a young man has no business to fail when his people have done so much for him. and now there is you,—i have spared no expense about you, either. you have had the best masters i could give you, and the prettiest dresses; and now you stand doing nothing. i should like to know what this young renton means.’
‘it would be very easy to ask him,—and drive him away for ever,’ said millicent, with a heightened colour. ‘mamma, i tell you, you are not so clever as you were.’
‘i believe you are in love with him,’ said the mother, with an accent of scorn;—‘nothing else could account for it. that is all that is wanting to make up the story. but i tell you this will not do,’ she added, with an instant change of tone. ‘we shall have to run away if some determination is not come to. i have no money to carry on with, and there is a month’s rent owing to this horrid woman; and the tradespeople and all—— millicent, there must be something done. if you are going to marry young renton, it will be all very well; but if it is to come {97}to nothing, as so many other things have done——’
‘what would you have me do?’ said millicent, in a low tone of restrained passion. perhaps she was angry with herself for playing so poor a r?le; but, at all events, she was disgusted with the mother who had trained her to do it, and thus kept her to the humiliating work. mrs. tracy was getting, as her daughter said, rather old. her ear was not fine enough for the inflections of tone and shades of meaning which once she could have caught in a moment.
‘if you will listen to me,’ she answered, in perfect good faith, ‘i will soon tell you what to do. tell him that we are going abroad. you know how often i have spoken of going abroad. if we could only get a hundred pounds, we might go to baden, or homburg, or somewhere. we don’t want so many dresses, being in mourning; and, with your complexion, you look very nice in mourning. i should like to start to-morrow, for my part. you might tell him it was for my health,—that i was ordered to take the baths. and i am sure it would be quite true. after all the wear and tear i have gone through i must want baths when you come to think of it. that ought to bring matters to a decision; and the fact is, that unless something happens, we shall have to make a change. it will be impossible to stay here.’
‘if it is an explanation you want,’ said millicent, ‘it will not be difficult to bring that about,—now;’ and the blood rushed to her face, and her heart began to beat. not because she loved ben. it was a dif{98}ferent feeling that moved her. the object for which she had been trained, the aim of her life, had come so near to her,—in a day, in an hour, in a few minutes more, if it came to that, she might be a changed creature, with all that was wretched banished from her, and all that was good made possible. she might be, instead of a poor girl, immersed in all the shameful shifts of dishonest poverty, a rich man’s bride, fearing no demand, above all tricks, with honourable plenty in her hands and about her. what a change it would be! the chance of leaping at one step from misery to wealth, from destitution to luxury, has always a more or less demoralising effect when held steadily before human eyes, and this chance had always been put foremost in those of millicent tracy. nobody had ever dreamed of work for her, or honest earning. she was to win wildly the prize of wealth out of the very depths of abject poverty. hers was not the extraordinary nobility of character which could resist the influences of such training. she was demoralised by it. ben renton was to her a prize in the lottery which she might win and be rich and splendid and exalted for ever,—or which she might lose in mortification and deepest downfall. it was this which flushed her cheek and made her heart beat. not because he was a man who loved her. and yet something not mercenary, something like nature, had been in the vague intercourse between the two,—the man’s advances, the woman’s retreat from them and{99} interest in them. alas! millicent had been wooed, and had done her best to attract and fascinate before. it was a trade to her. she lighted up into a gambler’s flush of excitement now when the crisis was so near.
‘then let it come,’ said mrs. tracy; ‘it is time after six months of nonsense. i never knew a young man before who would be kept off and on so long, living in such a hole, out of those lovely rooms. and, by-the-bye, i wonder why he wants to sell those sweet cabinets. getting rid of his chambers one can understand. perhaps it is for some racing debt or something; but he must not be allowed to do it. if the family should make themselves disagreeable, millicent, i hope i can trust to your good sense. of course they must come round in the end.’
‘you may trust me, mamma,’ said millicent, with a smile; and her mother came round to her and kissed her, as she might have kissed her had she been on her way to draw the fateful ticket at a lottery.
‘now, mind you have your wits about you,’ mrs. tracy said.
it was the afternoon of a spring day, rather cold but bright, and a remnant of dusty fire, half choked with ashes, was in the grate. millicent trembled as she sat in her favourite place by the window, chiefly with cold,—for she was very susceptible to discomfort,—and a little with excitement. when her mother left her, she let her work fall on her lap, and felt, as many a woman of truer heart has felt, the very air{100} rustling and whispering in her ears with excess of stillness, as if a hundred unseen spectators were pressing round to look on. he would come, and she would listen to him and lead him on, and the step would be taken;—the immense, unspeakable change would be made. a curious medley of thoughts was in the young woman’s mind,—not all of them bad or unnatural thoughts. she would be grateful to the man who changed her life for her so completely. she would be kind to the poor,—those poor, struggling, shifting, miserable creatures upon whom already she felt herself entitled to look with pity. she would be very fine and grand, and deck her beauty with every adornment, and win admiration on every side; and yet she would be good at the same time. she would be good,—that she determined upon. and poor fitz, if he had but been less impatient! if he had but lived to see this day! thus she sat awaiting her lover. poor, polluted, and yet unawakened virgin soul, knowing nothing about love!
the mother for her part put on her bonnet,—not without a keen momentary observation that the crape was beginning to be rusty,—and drew her shawl slowly round her shoulders. she had been a handsome woman in her day, and with her rusty crape still looked more imposing than many a silken fine lady. with a thrill of excitement, too, she took her way down-stairs, with more sordid thoughts than those of her child. she was thinking, also, which{101} would be best for herself,—to live with them and share their grandeur, or to secure a certainty for herself from the bridegroom’s liberality. there are women ignoble enough to act as mrs. tracy was doing, and still with so much divinity in them as to be willing to disappear, or die, or obliterate themselves when the daughter for whom they laboured has won her prize. but millicent’s mother had not even this virtue. she was drawing her ticket by her child’s hand;—which would be most comfortable, she was thinking; and it was in the very midst of this thought that she contrived to brush past ben, who was lingering at the door of his room, hoping to see something of his neighbours.
‘i beg your pardon, mr. renton,’ she said. ‘i did not see you were there. not out this lovely afternoon? it is the old people who are active now; you young ones are all alike, dreaming and building castles, i suppose. millicent stays up-stairs all by herself, instead of coming out with me. but indeed she is dull, poor child. an old woman, even when it is her mother, is poor company for a young girl.’
‘i am sure she does not think so,’ said ben, to whom millicent was half divine.
‘no, i am sure she does not think so,’ said mrs. tracy; ‘she is such a good child. but you may run up and talk to her for half-an-hour, and cheer her up while i am gone. there are not many gentlemen i would say as much to,’ she added playfully. her playful speeches were not very successful generally, but ben was no critic at that moment. his eyes blazed up with sudden fire. he took her hand, and would have kissed it, so much was he touched by this mark of confidence, but mrs. tracy knew there were holes in her glove, and drew it back.
‘may i?’ he said. ‘how good you are to me!’ and had rushed up-stairs before she had time to draw breath. she turned round, looking after him, with a certain grim satisfaction on her handsome worn face.
‘that is all safe,’ she said to herself with a little sigh of relief; and went out philosophically to let the crisis enact itself, and buy a little lobster for millicent’s supper, by way of reward to her fortunate child.