it was no hardship for me to be on the ocean, but for one thing there was not much scope for recollection of my troubles for the first few days. little by little i began to feel the goodwill of the people on board. what pleasure mr. and mrs. harris, from[pg 99] prospect, showed in being kind to me who had so little to make life worth living. i got to know mr. and mrs. harris very soon after i came to south australia, when the future for me looked bright and sunny. i dared not cast a glance into the future at times. the ship was so crowded that i had to sleep in what was known as the deckhouse, and so did the doctor's maid. as the south australian steadily surged along there were many notes of mirth and laughter, and they were loudest wherever the rev. charles clark happened to be. when it was nice and calm all would be invited to the poop, where mr. clark would read and recite to us from charles dickens and others. then there were other amusements, such as concerts and theatricals. i was under no restraint in the ship, but went about all over it.

there was a tiny boy put on board just before we sailed. he was to be given to his relatives when the ship reached london, but nobody seemed to have any particular charge of the wee laddie, and i liked to know that he was in bed every night before i went myself. he would get away in the forecastle with the sailors, and i was frightened when i saw him up in the rigging ever so high. i made little caps for him and mended his clothes. some of the ladies taught me some fancy work, and i taught them how to knit stockings. i was asked by one lady if i would go on to the continent with them. this was opportune and the one thing i wished, while i had plenty of time to think the matter over before we got to london, if i could only decide what to do.

until then i did not know how much woman can bear and live through. on board the morning star i felt influenced by all that was best in me. we cannot sever right from wrong. i knew my marriage was a failure, and how i dreaded the by-and-bye. was it to be like this, always empty of happiness? gone for ever were the innocent days of girlhood. i have lived a lifetime since then. although a sea rolled between my husband and me, and i hoped in that way to forget him, my thoughts would revert to him and his cousin. he consoled himself with her society for three years in england, and he was not necessarily without her society now. i sometimes wonder even now, in a dull dazed way, if this lonely wretched being is really i. "it was very imprudent and impulsive of me to go to sea," but calm reason told me i could not have acted differently. after what had been told me by credible witnesses the underhand ways seemed so intolerable. it was assumed that i had no right to resent it, and that there should have been no more consideration for me than if i had been an indian squaw. to write about this is like living through that awful time again. i let myself go away, and yet i loved that man better than anything in the whole world. life to me was hard and bitter and cruel, but on that blue sea i prayed that i would not be beaten. in a suppressed voice i declared "i won't be beaten in life so soon." it seemed as if i[pg 100] was as a leaf driven before the wind, and so how could i ask god to help me not to be weak and vanquished. it seemed to me as though i could never know what fear meant again; yet i wanted a little guidance just then.

i am typewriting most of this with some of the old writings before me written on board the south australian. that voyage nerved me to face life with renewed courage. i could see that it was clearly meant that i should live the rest of my life alone, with no human companionship. having faced that fact, the greatest bitterness was over, but learning the lesson was hard. i was now strong once more.

the good old south australian went along so gently, but one began to long to see land again. the vessel called no where till she came to cape town. and it took six weeks to get there from port adelaide. only one accident happened in all that time. one of the seamen fell overboard. it was a fine morning and he could swim, and there was great rejoicing when he was safely landed on the deck. i could just see his head such a long way out in the sea. every one came on deck, and some suggested that a hot bath of sea water should be ready for him, but when he got on board he simply laughed, rushed to the forecastle, and was up the rigging again in quick time. "going ashore at cape town" was the topic, and one heard nothing else till the time came.

the south australian was anchored nine miles out at sea. the passengers thought this was on account of the rocky nature of the coast, but the real reason was that the captain was afraid that the crew would desert the ship and go off to the diamond fields. we were surrounded by different kinds of boats. our ship looked so high out of the water, with those little boats near tossing about in the rough sea. it seemed as if there were no means of getting into any of the vessels alongside. there was no gangway or passage to the ships. they had a chair constructed out of a cask and hoisted to the yard-arm. it was then drawn up to clear the ship and the passengers were dropped into one of the little boats. some went ashore in that way the first day. there were better contrivances the next, as the sea was not so rough, and i got ashore with the rest and landed at table bay. i had often read about it, but when i saw it everything looked so foreign. the captain, his wife, and child, and maid took me with them to the george hotel, where i lodged while ashore.

cape town delighted everybody. the next morning some of the captain's friends came in a carriage and all went inland for a drive. i wandered about all alone; i saw where the market was and many beautiful buildings, and also the place where the ship's washing was done by men. the people were all so different to europeans in their dress and manner, as well as in respect to the color of their skin. there were hottentots and kaffirs, zulus, and many others of all nationalities. to me it was wonderland.[pg 101] and then there was table mountain, soaring to the sky. i found the way to "oak-avenue," a grove of oak trees of such a size running on each side of this wide avenue which lead into the botanical gardens and the zoological gardens. there were seats all about, so nice to rest on during a hot day, and it was hot just then. from the description of the animals at the zoological gardens as being fierce and savage, i had decided not to go into the gardens alone.

mr. and mrs. harris and another gentleman came along, and they suggested that if i would lodge with them while we were ashore i would not be so lonely. i gladly consented, but we had to ask the captain in the evening, so i spent the whole day with mr. and mrs. harris and their friend. we all went to the gardens, and i did not think them so fine as the adelaide gardens by a long way. but the sight of the animals struck me with awe. the gentleman said he would like to see some of them on the banks of the torrens. i would not. the captain was willing, so i was free to go with mr. and mrs. harris. but before doing that i went back to the ship again. they were lodging with a boer lady. she was a widow. the place looked beautiful and clean. the house must have been built during the early dutch settlement. it looked ancient, yet strong of structure. it was flat roofed, and the first thing that i noticed was that it had no ceilings, but only oaken rafters, in all the rooms. the windows were fairly large, but with such tiny panes of glass. the floors were bare, with only a mat here and there, and there were no ornaments, but only just things for use. the floors were dark to look like the rafters. the house was full of boarders, and the attendants were a mixture of zulus and kaffirs and malays. those women are trained for house work. the landlady's name was mrs. lund. she spoke english well, and seemed anxious to know how we did things in south australia.

i made it a point of interest to see the dutch mode of domestic management, so the next day she showed me all over the place. it was considered a clean town, and the sanitary arrangements were good. there was no deep drainage, although the house was in the middle of the town. i saw the kitchen and other departments. no wonder that the europeans do not work much there, for they could get a well-trained help for five shillings a month.

they had tramcars in cape town, although not running through the streets. many of the streets seemed all up hill. we got into a car drawn by horses. you could travel inside or out, and we went to sea point, about 10 miles along by the sea. there was a terrible mass of rocks standing here and there in the sea which made one feel solemn. there were grand looking houses, with large vineyards and strange trees all about. we passed a large tract of land used for a burying ground, and you could notice the difference between the graves. each one had its own [pg 102]singularity. where we saw the tomb with a cross on it we knew it was english. we could see this from the cars. there were houses being built in some of the places we passed, and mr. harris was interested in them as we saw natives working away at painting, carpentry, and masonry, and all sorts of trades, just like other men. only each one was dressed according to his nationality. we passed a large ostrich farm, and saw numerous "birds."

that evening in the verandah we heard joyful singing in dutch voices. i asked mrs. lund's sister what it was all about, and she told me that it was the anniversary of the day when the slaves were freed from bondage. i asked her what she thought of the times when people could be bought and sold. she told me that as a child she had often gone with her father to the market, and she pointed to the market place, and had seen him buy the people he wanted. she herself would pick on some. all had something to say about slavery. it gave me something to think about when i learned that she did approve of the times when she could go and buy the slaves. i forget the lady's name, but her home was at natal. i liked mrs. lund the best.

i told her how i was journeying, i knew not where, and she was the kindest woman i have ever known. when i came ashore i thought it would be cold in cape town, and so i had very thick garments. mrs. lund gave me some of her outside garments, together with a sunshade, so that i could go about, and said if circumstances should bring me back to cape town again that i need not be afraid. i used to write to her, and i gave some of her cards to friends. the kindness of this dutch lady made me grateful. mr. and mrs. harris were also most kind, and took me with them everywhere. we all went to the market one morning. everyone was calling out what he or she had to sell. to see how the way they dressed was something wonderful. the native women wore sandals and the native men also. i shall never forget going into a shop to buy some wool. mrs. harris and i entered, and a man came to us and said, in good english, that he knew that we would come for some wool. i asked him how he knew, and he said he heard me say when passing that morning, "what pretty wool." i remembered the remark. the man looked a picture. he had sandals on, his doublet was of rich crimson, with green and golden colors for the rest of his apparel. it did not matter what nationality they were, they could all speak dutch. what lovely fruit we got there. the pineapples were very plentiful, while crayfish by the caskful were sent on board.

the morning we were leaving mrs. lund sent some of her servants to gather wildflowers for us. the wildflowers of south africa were showy and bright. we saw two camels, equipped for a journey in the desert, with their arabian drivers. it was february 24 when we landed there, and the climate seemed very, like that of south australia, only the tract of country i saw[pg 103] looked dark. the poor old jetty or landing-place was very primitive. the wood part of the jetty, from its appearance, must have been very old. it seemed worm-eaten, and long moss was growing on it. they have built a breakwater within the last few years, which comes out in the sea thousands of feet, and in the stormy weather it is a great protection. i scarcely knew what to take note of first. i saw any quantity of donkeys in harness, and all sorts of strange-looking conveyances.

while ashore it was all spare time to me, for there was only sightseeing and writing to do. at every turn there was something to make one think, if it was only to see some sailors eagerly clutching in their arms some ostrich feathers as they made haste to get to their ships. mr. h. m. stanley, the african explorer, had been at cape town just a little while before, and from the many different photographs of him and his mixed troops one saw he must have been on a good many occasions in cape town while attempting to find dr. livingstone. i was ardent concerning every object about dr. livingstone. ever since i could remember i had heard him spoken of in scotland. i bought all the portraits of those two grand men that i could afford, and took them to my friends in scotland.

the buildings were most beautiful. but table mountain was the charm to me. i could not keep my eyes off it. there was open war going on at natal, which brought such numbers of people to the cape. that was why mrs. lund's sister was there. table bay looked as active as if the hostilities were there. one could constantly see the warships coming in or going out. one ship came in the day we left with, i forget how many, widows of the soldiers who had been slain at natal. they were taking those poor women to st. helena. it was a sad sight. i saw that the decks of the ship were crowded with women without any hats but only a handkerchief tied round their heads.

two things were stamped on my mind that day to remember for ever. one was to see those sad-looking women; and the other was when mr. harris went to pay mrs. lund for me. she would not charge anything for me. truly i was one who ventured out without gold or scrip. the woman meant to be kind, but i realised the old motto, "owe no man anything." it was a new experience to me. i always did like to be free from obligation. this unusual sympathy gave a human interest to the last glimpse of loveliness that stretched out and about as far as the eye could see as we got on board the old familiar ship again.

i was back to active work once more, and i was glad to see the little tiny boy again. now let come what may it was felt we would soon be in london. things ran all in the same groove, and sometimes the quiet grew oppressive in a pause of the wind. we did not have the rev. charles clark after leaving the cape. it made such a difference. all were now talking about where they[pg 104] were going when they got to england. i was asked where i was going; i did not quite know.

the only incident of any interest occurred when the ship anchored one sunday morning at st. helena. only the captain and the first mate went ashore. we were so close that the people on shore could be seen. that was the place to which they were taking those women we had seen a week before. the island was a fortress in times of peace; the chief interest was napoleon's tomb and the jacob's ladder, from the shore to the upper part of the island. how far away those times seem, and yet i saw by "the advertiser" this morning (as i write) that mr. r. s. smythe still trips to and fro. he was the active manager for the rev. charles clark in cape town at the time of the events with which i am dealing in this story. he has been there on the same kind of work since then.

the captain began to have some cleaning and painting done to the ship before getting in to london. some pots of white paint were left about on the deck. the steward had a live kangaroo, which he was taking home to exhibit, i suppose. it was in a place on the deck, and the little boy whom nobody owned thought he would make the kangaroo think that the white paint was milk. the animal sipped some and died. it was mischievous of the child and for him it was a rude awakening. he had to keep very quiet all the rest of the way.

i had nothing to complain of all the way. i was healthy. i loved to use my strength and tired myself out, there being so much to think about and wonder at; but i know that i was not happy. i was hardly ever idle. mr. and mrs. harris were the first to leave the ship when it reached plymouth, or falmouth, i do not remember which. the ship travelled along so gently and had the isle of wight in view so well. then came the river thames. how careful the captain was all through that wonderful river; we could hear his clear strong voice above the fog-horn as we passed through so many other ships into the london docks.