my grandmother comes to padua, and takes me to dr. gozzi’s school — my first love affair

as soon as i was left alone with the sclavonian woman, she took me up to the garret, where she pointed out my bed in a row with four others, three of which belonged to three young boys of my age, who at that moment were at school, and the fourth to a servant girl whose province it was to watch us and to prevent the many peccadilloes in which school-boys are wont to indulge. after this visit we came downstairs, and i was taken to the garden with permission to walk about until dinner-time.

i felt neither happy nor unhappy; i had nothing to say. i had neither fear nor hope, nor even a feeling of curiosity; i was neither cheerful nor sad. the only thing which grated upon me was the face of the mistress of the house. although i had not the faintest idea either of beauty or of ugliness, her face, her countenance, her tone of voice, her language, everything in that woman was repulsive to me. her masculine features repelled me every time i lifted my eyes towards her face to listen to what she said to me. she was tall and coarse like a trooper; her complexion was yellow, her hair black, her eyebrows long and thick, and her chin gloried in a respectable bristly beard: to complete the picture, her hideous, half-naked bosom was hanging half-way down her long chest; she may have been about fifty. the servant was a stout country girl, who did all the work of the house; the garden was a square of some thirty feet, which had no other beauty than its green appearance.

towards noon my three companions came back from school, and they at once spoke to me as if we had been old acquaintances, naturally giving me credit for such intelligence as belonged to my age, but which i did not possess. i did not answer them, but they were not baffled, and they at last prevailed upon me to share their innocent pleasures. i had to run, to carry and be carried, to turn head over heels, and i allowed myself to be initiated into those arts with a pretty good grace until we were summoned to dinner. i sat down to the table; but seeing before me a wooden spoon, i pushed it back, asking for my silver spoon and fork to which i was much attached, because they were a gift from my good old granny. the servant answered that the mistress wished to maintain equality between the boys, and i had to submit, much to my disgust. having thus learned that equality in everything was the rule of the house, i went to work like the others and began to eat the soup out of the common dish, and if i did not complain of the rapidity with which my companions made it disappear, i could not help wondering at such inequality being allowed. to follow this very poor soup, we had a small portion of dried cod and one apple each, and dinner was over: it was in lent. we had neither glasses nor cups, and we all helped ourselves out of the same earthen pitcher to a miserable drink called graspia, which is made by boiling in water the stems of grapes stripped of their fruit. from the following day i drank nothing but water. this way of living surprised me, for i did not know whether i had a right to complain of it. after dinner the servant took me to the school, kept by a young priest, doctor gozzi, with whom the sclavonian woman had bargained for my schooling at the rate of forty sous a month, or the eleventh part of a sequin.

the first thing to do was to teach me writing, and i was placed amongst children of five and six years, who did not fail to turn me into ridicule on account of my age.

on my return to the boarding-house i had my supper, which, as a matter of course, was worse than the dinner, and i could not make out why the right of complaint should be denied me. i was then put to bed, but there three well-known species of vermin kept me awake all night, besides the rats, which, running all over the garret, jumped on my bed and fairly made my blood run cold with fright. this is the way in which i began to feel misery, and to learn how to suffer it patiently. the vermin, which feasted upon me, lessened my fear of the rats, and by a very lucky system of compensation, the dread of the rats made me less sensitive to the bites of the vermin. my mind was reaping benefit from the very struggle fought between the evils which surrounded me. the servant was perfectly deaf to my screaming.

as soon as it was daylight i ran out of the wretched garret, and, after complaining to the girl of all i had endured during the night, i asked her to give me a clean shirt, the one i had on being disgusting to look at, but she answered that i could only change my linen on a sunday, and laughed at me when i threatened to complain to the mistress. for the first time in my life i shed tears of sorrow and of anger, when i heard my companions scoffing at me. the poor wretches shared my unhappy condition, but they were used to it, and that makes all the difference.

sorely depressed, i went to school, but only to sleep soundly through the morning. one of my comrades, in the hope of turning the affair into ridicule at my expense, told the doctor the reason of my being so sleepy. the good priest, however, to whom without doubt providence had guided me, called me into his private room, listened to all i had to say, saw with his own eyes the proofs of my misery, and moved by the sight of the blisters which disfigured my innocent skin, he took up his cloak, went with me to my boarding-house, and shewed the woman the state i was in. she put on a look of great astonishment, and threw all the blame upon the servant. the doctor being curious to see my bed, i was, as much as he was, surprised at the filthy state of the sheets in which i had passed the night. the accursed woman went on blaming the servant, and said that she would discharge her; but the girl, happening to be close by, and not relishing the accusation, told her boldly that the fault was her own, and she then threw open the beds of my companions to shew us that they did not experience any better treatment. the mistress, raving, slapped her on the face, and the servant, to be even with her, returned the compliment and ran away. the doctor left me there, saying that i could not enter his school unless i was sent to him as clean as the other boys. the result for me was a very sharp rebuke, with the threat, as a finishing stroke, that if i ever caused such a broil again, i would be ignominiously turned out of the house.

i could not make it out; i had just entered life, and i had no knowledge of any other place but the house in which i had been born, in which i had been brought up, and in which i had always seen cleanliness and honest comfort. here i found myself ill-treated, scolded, although it did not seem possible that any blame could be attached to me. at last the old shrew tossed a shirt in my face, and an hour later i saw a new servant changing the sheets, after which we had our dinner.

my schoolmaster took particular care in instructing me. he gave me a seat at his own desk, and in order to shew my proper appreciation of such a favour, i gave myself up to my studies; at the end of the first month i could write so well that i was promoted to the grammar class.

the new life i was leading, the half-starvation system to which i was condemned, and most likely more than everything else, the air of padua, brought me health such as i had never enjoyed before, but that very state of blooming health made it still more difficult for me to bear the hunger which i was compelled to endure; it became unbearable. i was growing rapidly; i enjoyed nine hours of deep sleep, unbroken by any dreams, save that i always fancied myself sitting at a well-spread table, and gratifying my cruel appetite, but every morning i could realize in full the vanity and the unpleasant disappointment of flattering dreams! this ravenous appetite would at last have weakened me to death, had i not made up my mind to pounce upon, and to swallow, every kind of eatables i could find, whenever i was certain of not being seen.

necessity begets ingenuity. i had spied in a cupboard of the kitchen some fifty red herrings; i devoured them all one after the other, as well as all the sausages which were hanging in the chimney to be smoked; and in order to accomplish those feats without being detected, i was in the habit of getting up at night and of undertaking my foraging expeditions under the friendly veil of darkness. every new-laid egg i could discover in the poultry-yard, quite warm and scarcely dropped by the hen, was a most delicious treat. i would even go as far as the kitchen of the schoolmaster in the hope of pilfering something to eat.

the sclavonian woman, in despair at being unable to catch the thieves, turned away servant after servant. but, in spite of all my expeditions, as i could not always find something to steal, i was as thin as a walking skeleton.

my progress at school was so rapid during four or five months that the master promoted me to the rank of dux. my province was to examine the lessons of my thirty school-fellows, to correct their mistakes and report to the master with whatever note of blame or of approval i thought they deserved; but my strictness did not last long, for idle boys soon found out the way to enlist my sympathy. when their latin lesson was full of mistakes, they would buy me off with cutlets and roast chickens; they even gave me money. these proceedings excited my covetousness, or, rather, my gluttony, and, not satisfied with levying a tax upon the ignorant, i became a tyrant, and i refused well-merited approbation to all those who declined paying the contribution i demanded. at last, unable to bear my injustice any longer, the boys accused me, and the master, seeing me convicted of extortion, removed me from my exalted position. i would very likely have fared badly after my dismissal, had not fate decided to put an end to my cruel apprenticeship.

doctor gozzi, who was attached to me, called me privately one day into his study, and asked me whether i would feel disposed to carry out the advice he would give me in order to bring about my removal from the house of the sclavonian woman, and my admission in his own family. finding me delighted at such an offer, he caused me to copy three letters which i sent, one to the abbe grimani, another to my friend baffo, and the last to my excellent grandam. the half-year was nearly out, and my mother not being in venice at that period there was no time to lose.

in my letters i gave a description of all my sufferings, and i prognosticated my death were i not immediately removed from my boarding-house and placed under the care of my school-master, who was disposed to receive me; but he wanted two sequins a month.

m. grimani did not answer me, and commissioned his friend ottaviani to scold me for allowing myself to be ensnared by the doctor; but m. baffo went to consult with my grandmother, who could not write, and in a letter which he addressed to me he informed me that i would soon find myself in a happier situation. and, truly, within a week the excellent old woman, who loved me until her death, made her appearance as i was sitting down to my dinner. she came in with the mistress of the house, and the moment i saw her i threw my arms around her neck, crying bitterly, in which luxury the old lady soon joined me. she sat down and took me on her knees; my courage rose again. in the presence of the sclavonian woman i enumerated all my grievances, and after calling her attention to the food, fit only for beggars, which i was compelled to swallow, i took her upstairs to shew her my bed. i begged her to take me out and give me a good dinner after six months of such starvation. the boarding-house keeper boldly asserted that she could not afford better for the amount she had received, and there was truth in that, but she had no business to keep house and to become the tormentor of poor children who were thrown on her hands by stinginess, and who required to be properly fed.

my grandmother very quietly intimated her intention to take me away forthwith, and asked her to put all my things in my trunk. i cannot express my joy during these preparations. for the first time i felt that kind of happiness which makes forgiveness compulsory upon the being who enjoys it, and causes him to forget all previous unpleasantness. my grandmother took me to the inn, and dinner was served, but she could hardly eat anything in her astonishment at the voracity with which i was swallowing my food. in the meantime doctor gozzi, to whom she had sent notice of her arrival, came in, and his appearance soon prepossessed her in his favour. he was then a fine- looking priest, twenty-six years of age, chubby, modest, and respectful. in less than a quarter of an hour everything was satisfactorily arranged between them. the good old lady counted out twenty-four sequins for one year of my schooling, and took a receipt for the same, but she kept me with her for three days in order to have me clothed like a priest, and to get me a wig, as the filthy state of my hair made it necessary to have it all cut off.

at the end of the three days she took me to the doctor’s house, so as to see herself to my installation and to recommend me to the doctor’s mother, who desired her to send or to buy in padua a bedstead and bedding; but the doctor having remarked that, his own bed being very wide, i might sleep with him, my grandmother expressed her gratitude for all his kindness, and we accompanied her as far as the burchiello she had engaged to return to venice.

the family of doctor gozzi was composed of his mother, who had great reverence for him, because, a peasant by birth, she did not think herself worthy of having a son who was a priest, and still more a doctor in divinity; she was plain, old, and cross; and of his father, a shoemaker by trade, working all day long and never addressing a word to anyone, not even during the meals. he only became a sociable being on holidays, on which occasions he would spend his time with his friends in some tavern, coming home at midnight as drunk as a lord and singing verses from tasso. when in this blissful state the good man could not make up his mind to go to bed, and became violent if anyone attempted to compel him to lie down. wine alone gave him sense and spirit, for when sober he was incapable of attending to the simplest family matter, and his wife often said that he never would have married her had not his friends taken care to give him a good breakfast before he went to the church.

but doctor gozzi had also a sister, called bettina, who at the age of thirteen was pretty, lively, and a great reader of romances. her father and mother scolded her constantly because she was too often looking out of the window, and the doctor did the same on account of her love for reading. this girl took at once my fancy without my knowing why, and little by little she kindled in my heart the first spark of a passion which, afterwards became in me the ruling one.

six months after i had been an inmate in the house, the doctor found himself without scholars; they all went away because i had become the sole object of his affection. he then determined to establish a college, and to receive young boys as boarders; but two years passed before he met with any success. during that period he taught me everything he knew; true, it was not much; yet it was enough to open to me the high road to all sciences. he likewise taught me the violin, an accomplishment which proved very useful to me in a peculiar circumstance, the particulars of which i will give in good time. the excellent doctor, who was in no way a philosopher, made me study the logic of the peripatetics, and the cosmography of the ancient system of ptolemy, at which i would laugh, teasing the poor doctor with theorems to which he could find no answer. his habits, moreover, were irreproachable, and in all things connected with religion, although no bigot, he was of the greatest strictness, and, admitting everything as an article of faith, nothing appeared difficult to his conception. he believed the deluge to have been universal, and he thought that, before that great cataclysm, men lived a thousand years and conversed with god, that noah took one hundred years to build the ark, and that the earth, suspended in the air, is firmly held in the very centre of the universe which god had created from nothing. when i would say and prove that it was absurd to believe in the existence of nothingness, he would stop me short and call me a fool.

he could enjoy a good bed, a glass of wine, and cheerfulness at home. he did not admire fine wits, good jests or criticism, because it easily turns to slander, and he would laugh at the folly of men reading newspapers which, in his opinion, always lied and constantly repeated the same things. he asserted that nothing was more troublesome than incertitude, and therefore he condemned thought because it gives birth to doubt.

his ruling passion was preaching, for which his face and his voice qualified him; his congregation was almost entirely composed of women of whom, however, he was the sworn enemy; so much so, that he would not look them in the face even when he spoke to them. weakness of the flesh and fornication appeared to him the most monstrous of sins, and he would be very angry if i dared to assert that, in my estimation, they were the most venial of faults. his sermons were crammed with passages from the greek authors, which he translated into latin. one day i ventured to remark that those passages ought to be translated into italian because women did not understand latin any more than greek, but he took offence, and i never had afterwards the courage to allude any more to the matter. moreover he praised me to his friends as a wonder, because i had learned to read greek alone, without any assistance but a grammar.

during lent, in the year 1736, my mother, wrote to the doctor; and, as she was on the point of her departure for st. petersburg, she wished to see me, and requested him to accompany me to venice for three or four days. this invitation set him thinking, for he had never seen venice, never frequented good company, and yet he did not wish to appear a novice in anything. we were soon ready to leave padua, and all the family escorted us to the ‘burchiello’.

my mother received the doctor with a most friendly welcome; but she was strikingly beautiful, and my poor master felt very uncomfortable, not daring to look her in the face, and yet called upon to converse with her. she saw the dilemma he was in, and thought she would have some amusing sport about it should opportunity present itself. i, in the meantime, drew the attention of everyone in her circle; everybody had known me as a fool, and was amazed at my improvement in the short space of two years. the doctor was overjoyed, because he saw that the full credit of my transformation was given to him.

the first thing which struck my mother unpleasantly was my light- coloured wig, which was not in harmony with my dark complexion, and contrasted most woefully with my black eyes and eyebrows. she inquired from the doctor why i did not wear my own hair, and he answered that, with a wig, it was easier for his sister to keep me clean. everyone smiled at the simplicity of the answer, but the merriment increased when, to the question made by my mother whether his sister was married, i took the answer upon myself, and said that bettina was the prettiest girl of padua, and was only fourteen years of age. my mother promised the doctor a splendid present for his sister on condition that she would let me wear my own hair, and he promised that her wishes would be complied with. the peruke-maker was then called, and i had a wig which matched my complexion.

soon afterwards all the guests began to play cards, with the exception of my master, and i went to see my brothers in my grandmother’s room. francois shewed me some architectural designs which i pretended to admire; jean had nothing to skew me, and i thought him a rather insignificant boy. the others were still very young.

at the supper-table, the doctor, seated next to my mother, was very awkward. he would very likely not have said one word, had not an englishman, a writer of talent, addressed him in latin; but the doctor, being unable to make him out, modestly answered that he did not understand english, which caused much hilarity. m. baffo, however, explained the puzzle by telling us that englishmen read and pronounced latin in the same way that they read and spoke their own language, and i remarked that englishmen were wrong as much as we would be, if we pretended to read and to pronounce their language according to latin rules. the englishman, pleased with my reasoning, wrote down the following old couplet, and gave it to me to read:

‘dicite, grammatici, cur mascula nomina cunnus,

et cur femineum mentula nomen habet.’

after reading it aloud, i exclaimed, “this is latin indeed.”

“we know that,” said my mother, “but can you explain it,”

“to explain it is not enough,” i answered; “it is a question which is worthy of an answer.” and after considering for a moment, i wrote the following pentameter

‘disce quod a domino nomina servus habet.’

this was my first literary exploit, and i may say that in that very instant the seed of my love for literary fame was sown in my breast, for the applause lavished upon me exalted me to the very pinnacle of happiness. the englishman, quite amazed at my answer, said that no boy of eleven years had ever accomplished such a feat, embraced me repeatedly, and presented me with his watch. my mother, inquisitive like a woman, asked m. grimani to tell her the meaning of the lines, but as the abbe was not any wiser than she was m. baffo translated it in a whisper. surprised at my knowledge, she rose from her chair to get a valuable gold watch and presented to my master, who, not knowing how to express his deep gratitude, treated us to the most comic scene. my mother, in order to save him from the difficulty of paying her a compliment, offered him her cheek. he had only to give her a couple of kisses, the easiest and the most innocent thing in good company; but the poor man was on burning coals, and so completely out of countenance that he would, i truly believe, rather have died than give the kisses. he drew back with his head down, and he was allowed to remain in peace until we retired for the night.

when we found ourselves alone in our room, he poured out his heart, and exclaimed that it was a pity he could not publish in padua the distich and my answer.

“and why not?” i said.

“because both are obscene.”

“but they are sublime.”

“let us go to bed and speak no more on the subject. your answer was wonderful, because you cannot possibly know anything of the subject in question, or of the manner in which verses ought to be written.”

as far as the subject was concerned, i knew it by theory; for, unknown to the doctor, and because he had forbidden it, i had read meursius, but it was natural that he should be amazed at my being able to write verses, when he, who had taught me prosody, never could compose a single line. ‘nemo dat quod non habet’ is a false axiom when applied to mental acquirements.

four days afterwards, as we were preparing for our departure, my mother gave me a parcel for bettina, and m. grimani presented me with four sequins to buy books. a week later my mother left for st. petersburg.

after our return to padua, my good master for three or four months never ceased to speak of my mother, and bettina, having found in the parcel five yards of black silk and twelve pairs of gloves, became singularly attached to me, and took such good care of my hair that in less than six months i was able to give up wearing the wig. she used to comb my hair every morning, often before i was out of bed, saying that she had not time to wait until i was dressed. she washed my face, my neck, my chest; lavished on me childish caresses which i thought innocent, but which caused me to, be angry with myself, because i felt that they excited me. three years younger than she was, it seemed to me that she could not love me with any idea of mischief, and the consciousness of my own vicious excitement put me out of temper with myself. when, seated on my bed, she would say that i was getting stouter, and would have the proof of it with her own hands, she caused me the most intense emotion; but i said nothing, for fear she would remark my sensitiveness, and when she would go on saying that my skin was soft, the tickling sensation made me draw back, angry with myself that i did not dare to do the same to her, but delighted at her not guessing how i longed to do it. when i was dressed, she often gave me the sweetest kisses, calling me her darling child, but whatever wish i had to follow her example, i was not yet bold enough. after some time, however, bettina laughing at my timidity, i became more daring and returned her kisses with interest, but i always gave way the moment i felt a wish to go further; i then would turn my head, pretending to look for something, and she would go away. she was scarcely out of the room before i was in despair at not having followed the inclination of my nature, and, astonished at the fact that bettina could do to me all she was in the habit of doing without feeling any excitement from it, while i could hardly refrain from pushing my attacks further, i would every day determine to change my way of acting.

in the early part of autumn, the doctor received three new boarders; and one of them, who was fifteen years old, appeared to me in less than a month on very friendly terms with bettina.

this circumstance caused me a feeling of which until then i had no idea, and which i only analyzed a few years afterwards. it was neither jealousy nor indignation, but a noble contempt which i thought ought not to be repressed, because cordiani, an ignorant, coarse boy, without talent or polite education, the son of a simple farmer, and incapable of competing with me in anything, having over me but the advantage of dawning manhood, did not appear to me a fit person to be preferred to me; my young self-esteem whispered that i was above him. i began to nurse a feeling of pride mixed with contempt which told against bettina, whom i loved unknown to myself. she soon guessed it from the way i would receive her caresses, when she came to comb my hair while i was in bed; i would repulse her hands, and no longer return her kisses. one day, vexed at my answering her question as to the reason of my change towards her by stating that i had no cause for it, she, told me in a tone of commiseration that i was jealous of cordiani. this reproach sounded to me like a debasing slander. i answered that cordiani was, in my estimation, as worthy of her as she was worthy of him. she went away smiling, but, revolving in her mind the only way by which she could be revenged, she thought herself bound to render me jealous. however, as she could not attain such an end without making me fall in love with her, this is the policy she adopted.

one morning she came to me as i was in bed and brought me a pair of white stockings of her own knitting. after dressing my hair, she asked my permission to try the stockings on herself, in order to correct any deficiency in the other pairs she intended to knit for me. the doctor had gone out to say his mass. as she was putting on the stocking, she remarked that my legs were not clean, and without any more ado she immediately began to wash them. i would have been ashamed to let her see my bashfulness; i let her do as she liked, not foreseeing what would happen. bettina, seated on my bed, carried too far her love for cleanliness, and her curiosity caused me such intense voluptuousness that the feeling did not stop until it could be carried no further. having recovered my calm, i bethought myself that i was guilty and begged her forgiveness. she did not expect this, and, after considering for a few moments, she told me kindly that the fault was entirely her own, but that she never would again be guilty of it. and she went out of the room, leaving me to my own thoughts.

they were of a cruel character. it seemed to me that i had brought dishonour upon bettina, that i had betrayed the confidence of her family, offended against the sacred laws of hospitality, that i was guilty of a most wicked crime, which i could only atone for by marrying her, in case bettina could make up her mind to accept for her husband a wretch unworthy of her.

these thoughts led to a deep melancholy which went on increasing from day to day, bettina having entirely ceased her morning visits by my bedside. during the first week, i could easily account for the girl’s reserve, and my sadness would soon have taken the character of the warmest love, had not her manner towards cordiani inoculated in my veins the poison of jealousy, although i never dreamed of accusing her of the same crime towards him that she had committed upon me.

i felt convinced, after due consideration, that the act she had been guilty of with me had been deliberately done, and that her feelings of repentance kept her away from me. this conviction was rather flattering to my vanity, as it gave me the hope of being loved, and the end of all my communings was that i made up my mind to write to her, and thus to give her courage.

i composed a letter, short but calculated to restore peace to her mind, whether she thought herself guilty, or suspected me of feelings contrary to those which her dignity might expect from me. my letter was, in my own estimation, a perfect masterpiece, and just the kind of epistle by which i was certain to conquer her very adoration, and to sink for ever the sun of cordiani, whom i could not accept as the sort of being likely to make her hesitate for one instant in her choice between him and me. half-an-hour after the receipt of my letter, she told me herself that the next morning she would pay me her usual visit, but i waited in vain. this conduct provoked me almost to madness, but my surprise was indeed great when, at the breakfast table, she asked me whether i would let her dress me up as a girl to accompany her five or six days later to a ball for which a neighbour of ours, doctor olivo, had sent letters of invitation. everybody having seconded the motion, i gave my consent. i thought this arrangement would afford a favourable opportunity for an explanation, for mutual vindication, and would open a door for the most complete reconciliation, without fear of any surprise arising from the proverbial weakness of the flesh. but a most unexpected circumstance prevented our attending the ball, and brought forth a comedy with a truly tragic turn.

doctor gozzi’s godfather, a man advanced in age, and in easy circumstances, residing in the country, thought himself, after a severe illness, very near his end, and sent to the doctor a carriage with a request to come to him at once with his father, as he wished them to be present at his death, and to pray for his departing soul. the old shoemaker drained a bottle, donned his sunday clothes, and went off with his son.

i thought this a favourable opportunity and determined to improve it, considering that the night of the ball was too remote to suit my impatience. i therefore managed to tell bettina that i would leave ajar the door of my room, and that i would wait for her as soon as everyone in the house had gone to bed. she promised to come. she slept on the ground floor in a small closet divided only by a partition from her father’s chamber; the doctor being away, i was alone in the large room. the three boarders had their apartment in a different part of the house, and i had therefore no mishap to fear. i was delighted at the idea that i had at last reached the moment so ardently desired.

the instant i was in my room i bolted my door and opened the one leading to the passage, so that bettina should have only to push it in order to come in; i then put my light out, but did not undress. when we read of such situations in a romance we think they are exaggerated; they are not so, and the passage in which ariosto represents roger waiting for alcine is a beautiful picture painted from nature.

until midnight i waited without feeling much anxiety; but i heard the clock strike two, three, four o’clock in the morning without seeing bettina; my blood began to boil, and i was soon in a state of furious rage. it was snowing hard, but i shook from passion more than from cold. one hour before day-break, unable to master any longer my impatience, i made up my mind to go downstairs with bare feet, so as not to wake the dog, and to place myself at the bottom of the stairs within a yard of bettina’s door, which ought to have been opened if she had gone out of her room. i reached the door; it was closed, and as it could be locked only from inside i imagined that bettina had fallen asleep. i was on the point of knocking at the door, but was prevented by fear of rousing the dog, as from that door to that of her closet there was a distance of three or four yards. overwhelmed with grief, and unable to take a decision, i sat down on the last step of the stairs; but at day-break, chilled, benumbed, shivering with cold, afraid that the servant would see me and would think i was mad, i determined to go back to my room. i arise, but at that very moment i hear some noise in bettina’s room. certain that i am going to see her, and hope lending me new strength, i draw nearer to the door. it opens; but instead of bettina coming out i see cordiani, who gives me such a furious kick in the stomach that i am thrown at a distance deep in the snow. without stopping a single instant cordiani is off, and locks himself up in the room which he shared with the brothers feltrini.

i pick myself up quickly with the intention of taking my revenge upon bettina, whom nothing could have saved from the effects of my rage at that moment. but i find her door locked; i kick vigorously against it, the dog starts a loud barking, and i make a hurried retreat to my room, in which i lock myself up, throwing myself in bed to compose and heal up my mind and body, for i was half dead.

deceived, humbled, ill-treated, an object of contempt to the happy and triumphant cordiani, i spent three hours ruminating the darkest schemes of revenge. to poison them both seemed to me but a trifle in that terrible moment of bitter misery. this project gave way to another as extravagant, as cowardly-namely, to go at once to her brother and disclose everything to him. i was twelve years of age, and my mind had not yet acquired sufficient coolness to mature schemes of heroic revenge, which are produced by false feelings of honour; this was only my apprenticeship in such adventures.

i was in that state of mind when suddenly i heard outside of my door the gruff voice of bettina’s mother, who begged me to come down, adding that her daughter was dying. as i would have been very sorry if she had departed this life before she could feel the effects of my revenge, i got up hurriedly and went downstairs. i found bettina lying in her father’s bed writhing with fearful convulsions, and surrounded by the whole family. half dressed, nearly bent in two, she was throwing her body now to the right, now to the left, striking at random with her feet and with her fists, and extricating herself by violent shaking from the hands of those who endeavoured to keep her down.

with this sight before me, and the night’s adventure still in my mind, i hardly knew what to think. i had no knowledge of human nature, no knowledge of artifice and tricks, and i could not understand how i found myself coolly witnessing such a scene, and composedly calm in the presence of two beings, one of whom i intended to kill and the other to dishonour. at the end of an hour bettina fell asleep.

a nurse and doctor olivo came soon after. the first said that the convulsions were caused by hysterics, but the doctor said no, and prescribed rest and cold baths. i said nothing, but i could not refrain from laughing at them, for i knew, or rather guessed, that bettina’s sickness was the result of her nocturnal employment, or of the fright which she must have felt at my meeting with cordiani. at all events, i determined to postpone my revenge until the return of her brother, although i had not the slightest suspicion that her illness was all sham, for i did not give her credit for so much cleverness.

to return to my room i had to pass through bettina’s closet, and seeing her dress handy on the bed i took it into my head to search her pockets. i found a small note, and recognizing cordiani’s handwriting, i took possession of it to read it in my room. i marvelled at the girl’s imprudence, for her mother might have discovered it, and being unable to read would very likely have given it to the doctor, her son. i thought she must have taken leave of her senses, but my feelings may be appreciated when i read the following words: “as your father is away it is not necessary to leave your door ajar as usual. when we leave the supper-table i will go to your closet; you will find me there.”

when i recovered from my stupor i gave way to an irresistible fit of laughter, and seeing how completely i had been duped i thought i was cured of my love. cordiani appeared to me deserving of forgiveness, and bettina of contempt. i congratulated myself upon having received a lesson of such importance for the remainder of my life. i even went so far as to acknowledge to myself that bettina had been quite right in giving the preference to cordiani, who was fifteen years old, while i was only a child. yet, in spite of my good disposition to forgiveness, the kick administered by cordiani was still heavy upon my memory, and i could not help keeping a grudge against him.

at noon, as we were at dinner in the kitchen, where we took our meals on account of the cold weather, bettina began again to raise piercing screams. everybody rushed to her room, but i quietly kept my seat and finished my dinner, after which i went to my studies. in the evening when i came down to supper i found that bettina’s bed had been brought to the kitchen close by her mother’s; but it was no concern of mine, and i remained likewise perfectly indifferent to the noise made during the night, and to the confusion which took place in the morning, when she had a fresh fit of convulsions.

doctor gozzi and his father returned in the evening. cordiani, who felt uneasy, came to inquire from me what my intentions were, but i rushed towards him with an open penknife in my hand, and he beat a hasty retreat. i had entirely abandoned the idea of relating the night’s scandalous adventure to the doctor, for such a project i could only entertain in a moment of excitement and rage. the next day the mother came in while we were at our lesson, and told the doctor, after a lengthened preamble, that she had discovered the character of her daughter’s illness; that it was caused by a spell thrown over her by a witch, and that she knew the witch well.

“it may be, my dear mother, but we must be careful not to make a mistake. who is the witch?”

“our old servant, and i have just had a proof of it.”

“how so?”

“i have barred the door of my room with two broomsticks placed in the shape of a cross, which she must have undone to go in; but when she saw them she drew back, and she went round by the other door. it is evident that, were she not a witch, she would not be afraid of touching them.”

“it is not complete evidence, dear mother; send the woman to me.”

the servant made her appearance.

“why,” said the doctor, “did you not enter my mother’s room this morning through the usual door?”

“i do not know what you mean.”

“did you not see the st. andrew’s cross on the door?”

“what cross is that?”

“it is useless to plead ignorance,” said the mother; “where did you sleep last thursday night?”

“at my niece’s, who had just been confined.”

“nothing of the sort. you were at the witches’ sabbath; you are a witch, and have bewitched my daughter.”

the poor woman, indignant at such an accusation, spits at her mistress’s face; the mistress, enraged, gets hold of a stick to give the servant a drubbing; the doctor endeavours to keep his mother back, but he is compelled to let her loose and to run after the servant, who was hurrying down the stairs, screaming and howling in order to rouse the neighbours; he catches her, and finally succeeds in pacifying her with some money.

after this comical but rather scandalous exhibition, the doctor donned his vestments for the purpose of exorcising his sister and of ascertaining whether she was truly possessed of an unclean spirit. the novelty of this mystery attracted the whole of my attention. all the inmates of the house appeared to me either mad or stupid, for i could not, for the life of me, imagine that diabolical spirits were dwelling in bettina’s body. when we drew near her bed, her breathing had, to all appearance, stopped, and the exorcisms of her brother did not restore it. doctor olivo happened to come in at that moment, and inquired whether he would be in the way; he was answered in the negative, provided he had faith.

upon which he left, saying that he had no faith in any miracles except in those of the gospel.

soon after doctor gozzi went to his room, and finding myself alone with bettina i bent down over her bed and whispered in her ear.

“take courage, get well again, and rely upon my discretion.”

she turned her head towards the wall and did not answer me, but the day passed off without any more convulsions. i thought i had cured her, but on the following day the frenzy went up to the brain, and in her delirium she pronounced at random greek and latin words without any meaning, and then no doubt whatever was entertained of her being possessed of the evil spirit. her mother went out and returned soon, accompanied by the most renowned exorcist of padua, a very ill- featured capuchin, called friar prospero da bovolenta.

the moment bettina saw the exorcist, she burst into loud laughter, and addressed to him the most offensive insults, which fairly delighted everybody, as the devil alone could be bold enough to address a capuchin in such a manner; but the holy man, hearing himself called an obtrusive ignoramus and a stinkard, went on striking bettina with a heavy crucifix, saying that he was beating the devil. he stopped only when he saw her on the point of hurling at him the chamber utensil which she had just seized. “if it is the devil who has offended thee with his words,” she said, “resent the insult with words likewise, jackass that thou art, but if i have offended thee myself, learn, stupid booby, that thou must respect me, and be off at once.”

i could see poor doctor gozzi blushing; the friar, however, held his ground, and, armed at all points, began to read a terrible exorcism, at the end of which he commanded the devil to state his name.

“my name is bettina.”

“it cannot be, for it is the name of a baptized girl.”

“then thou art of opinion that a devil must rejoice in a masculine name? learn, ignorant friar, that a devil is a spirit, and does not belong to either sex. but as thou believest that a devil is speaking to thee through my lips, promise to answer me with truth, and i will engage to give way before thy incantations.”

“very well, i agree to this.”

“tell me, then, art thou thinking that thy knowledge is greater than mine?”

“no, but i believe myself more powerful in the name of the holy trinity, and by my sacred character.”

“if thou art more powerful than i, then prevent me from telling thee unpalatable truths. thou art very vain of thy beard, thou art combing and dressing it ten times a day, and thou would’st not shave half of it to get me out of this body. cut off thy beard, and i promise to come out.”

“father of lies, i will increase thy punishment a hundred fold.”

“i dare thee to do it.”

after saying these words, bettina broke into such a loud peal of laughter, that i could not refrain from joining in it. the capuchin, turning towards doctor gozzi, told him that i was wanting in faith, and that i ought to leave the room; which i did, remarking that he had guessed rightly. i was not yet out of the room when the friar offered his hand to bettina for her to kiss, and i had the pleasure of seeing her spit upon it.

this strange girl, full of extraordinary talent, made rare sport of the friar, without causing any surprise to anyone, as all her answers were attributed to the devil. i could not conceive what her purpose was in playing such a part.

the capuchin dined with us, and during the meal he uttered a good deal of nonsense. after dinner, he returned to bettina’s chamber, with the intention of blessing her, but as soon as she caught sight of him, she took up a glass full of some black mixture sent from the apothecary, and threw it at his head. cordiani, being close by the friar, came in for a good share of the liquid-an accident which afforded me the greatest delight. bettina was quite right to improve her opportunity, as everything she did was, of course, put to the account of the unfortunate devil. not overmuch pleased, friar prospero, as he left the house, told the doctor that there was no doubt of the girl being possessed, but that another exorcist must be sent for, since he had not, himself, obtained god’s grace to eject the evil spirit.

after he had gone, bettina kept very calm for six hours, and in the evening, to our great surprise, she joined us at the supper table. she told her parents that she felt quite well, spoke to her brother, and then, addressing me, she remarked that, the ball taking place on the morrow, she would come to my room in the morning to dress my hair like a girl’s. i thanked her, and said that, as she had been so ill, she ought to nurse herself. she soon retired to bed, and we remained at the table, talking of her.

when i was undressing for the night, i took up my night-cap, and found in it a small note with these words: “you must accompany me to the ball, disguised as a girl, or i will give you a sight which will cause you to weep.”

i waited until the doctor was asleep, and i wrote the following answer: “i cannot go to the ball, because i have fully made up my mind to avoid every opportunity of being alone with you. as for the painful sight with which you threaten to entertain me, i believe you capable of keeping your word, but i entreat you to spare my heart, for i love you as if you were my sister. i have forgiven you, dear bettina, and i wish to forget everything. i enclose a note which you must be delighted to have again in your possession. you see what risk you were running when you left it in your pocket. this restitution must convince you of my friendship.”