when the baptism of the penguins was known in paradise, it caused neither joy nor sorrow, but an extreme surprise. the lord himself was embarrassed. he gathered an assembly of clerics and doctors, and asked them whether they regarded the baptism as valid.
“it is void,” said st. patrick.
“why is it void?” asked st. gal, who had evangelized the people of cornwall and had trained the holy mael for his apostolical labours.
“the sacrament of baptism,” answered st. patrick, “is void when it is given to birds, just as the sacrament of marriage is void when it is given to a eunuch.”
but st. gal replied:
“what relation do you claim to establish between the baptism of a bird and the marriage of a eunuch? there is none at all. marriage is, if i may say so, a conditional, a contingent sacrament. the priest blesses an event beforehand; it is evident that if the act is not consummated the benediction remains without effect. that is obvious. i have known on earth, in the town of antrim, a rich man named sadoc, who, living in concubinage with a woman, caused her to be the mother of nine children. in his old age, yielding to my reproofs, he consented to marry her, and i blessed their union. unfortunately sadoc’s great age prevented him from consummating the marriage. a short time afterwards he lost all his property, and germaine (that was the name of the woman), not feeling herself able to endure poverty, asked for the annulment of a marriage which was no reality. the pope granted her request, for it was just. so much for marriage. but baptism is conferred without restrictions or reserves of any kind. there is no doubt about it, what the penguins have received is a sacrament.”
called to give his opinion, pope st. damasus expressed himself in these terms:
“in order to know if a baptism is valid and will produce its result, that is to say, sanctification, it is necessary to consider who gives it and not who receives it. in truth, the sanctifying virtue of this sacrament results from the exterior act by which it is conferred, without the baptized person co-operating in his own sanctification by any personal act; if it were otherwise it would not be administered to the newly born. and there is no need, in order to baptize, to fulfill any special condition; it is not necessary to be in a state of grace; it is sufficient to have the intention of doing what the church does, to pronounce the consecrated words and to observe the prescribed forms. now we cannot doubt that the venerable mael has observed these conditions. therefore the penguins are baptized.”
“do you think so?” asked st. guenole. “and what then do you believe that baptism really is? baptism is the process of regeneration by which man is born of water and of the spirit, for having entered the water covered with crimes, he goes out of it a neophyte, a new creature, abounding in the fruits of righteousness; baptism is the seed of immortality; baptism is the pledge of the resurrection; baptism is the burying with christ in his death and participation in his departure from the sepulchre. that is not a gift to bestow upon birds. reverend fathers, let us consider. baptism washes away original sin; now the penguins were not conceived in sin. it removes the penalty of sin; now the penguins have not sinned. it produces grace and the gift of virtues, uniting christians to jesus christ, as the members to the body, and it is obvious to the senses that penguins cannot acquire the virtues of confessors, of virgins, and of widows, or receive grace and be united to-”
st. damasus did not allow him to finish.
“that proves,” said he warmly, “that the baptism was useless; it does not prove that it was not effective.”
“but by this reasoning,” said st. guenole, “one might baptize in the name of the father, of the son, and of the holy ghost, by aspersion or immersion, not only a bird or a quadruped, but also an inanimate object, a statue, a table, a chair, etc. that animal would be christian, that idol, that table would be christian! it is absurd!”
st. augustine began to speak. there was a great silence.
“i am going,” said the ardent bishop of hippo, “to show you, by an example, the power of formulas. it deals, it is true, with a diabolical operation. but if it be established that formulas taught by the devil have effect upon unintelligent animals or even on inanimate objects, how can we longer doubt that the effect of the sacramental formulas extends to the minds of beasts and even to inert matter?
“this is the example. there was during my lifetime in the town of madaura, the birthplace of the philosopher apuleius, a witch who was able to attract men to her chamber by burning a few of their hairs along with certain herbs upon her tripod, pronouncing at the same time certain words. now one day when she wished by this means to gain the love of a young man, she was deceived by her maid, and instead of the young man’s hairs, she burned some hairs pulled from a leather bottle, made out of a goatskin that hung in a tavern. during the night the leather bottle, full of wine, capered through the town up to the witch’s door. this fact is undoubted. and in sacraments as in enchantments it is the form which operates. the effect of a divine formula cannot be less in power and extent than the effect of an infernal formula.”
having spoken in this fashion the great st. augustine sat down amidst applause.
one of the blessed, of an advanced age and having a melancholy appearance, asked permission to speak. no one knew him. his name was probus, and he was not enrolled in the canon of the saints.
“i beg the company’s pardon,” said he, “i have no halo, and i gained eternal blessedness without any eminent distinction. but after what the great st. augustine has just told you i believe it right to impart a cruel experience, which i had, relative to the conditions necessary for the validity of a sacrament. the bishop of hippo is indeed right in what he said. a sacrament depends on the form; its virtue is in its form; its vice is in its form. listen, confessors and pontiffs, to my woeful story. i was a priest in rome under the rule of the emperor gordianus. without desiring to recommend myself to you for any special merit, i may say that i exercised my priesthood with piety and zeal. for forty years i served the church of st. modestus-beyond-the-walls. my habits were regular. every saturday i went to a tavern-keeper called barjas, who dwelt with his wine-jars under the porta capena, and from him i bought the wine that i consecrated daily throughout the week. during that long space of time i never failed for a single morning to consecrate the holy sacrifice of the mass. however, i had no joy, and it was with a heart oppressed by sorrow that, on the steps of the altar i used to ask, ‘why art thou so heavy, o my soul, and why art thou so disquieted within me?’ the faithful whom i invited to the holy table gave me cause for affliction, for having, so to speak, the host that i administered still upon their tongues, they fell again into sin just as if the sacrament had been without power or efficacy. at last i reached the end of my earthly trials, and falling asleep in the lord, i awoke in this abode of the elect. i learned then from the mouth of the angel who brought me here, that barjas, the tavern-keeper of the porta capena, had sold for wine a decoction of roots and barks in which there was not a single drop of the juice of the grape. i had been unable to transmute this vile brew into blood, for it was not wine, and wine alone is changed into the blood of jesus christ. therefore all my consecrations were invalid, and unknown to us, my faithful and myself had for forty years been deprived of the sacrament and were in fact in a state of excommunication. this revelation threw me into a stupor which overwhelms me even today in this abode of bliss. i go all through paradise without ever meeting a single one of those christians whom formerly i admitted to the holy table in the basilica of the blessed modestus. deprived of the bread of angels, they easily gave way to the most abominable vices, and they have all gone to hell. it gives me some satisfaction to think that barjas, the tavern-keeper, is damned. there is in these things a logic worthy of the author of all logic. nevertheless my unhappy example proves that it is sometimes inconvenient that form should prevail over essence in the sacraments, and i humbly ask, could not eternal wisdom remedy this?”
“no,” answered the lord. “the remedy would be worse than the disease. it would be the ruin of the priesthood if essence prevailed over form in the laws of salvation.”
“alas! lord,” sighed the humble probus. “be persuaded by my humble experience; as long as you reduce your sacraments to formulas your justice will meet with terrible obstacles.”
“i know that better than you do,” replied the lord. “i see in a single glance both the actual problems which are difficult, and the future problems which will not be less difficult. thus i can foretell that when the sun will have turned round the earth two hundred and forty times more. . . . ”
“sublime language,” exclaimed the angels.
“and worthy of the creator of the world,” answered the pontiffs.
“it is,” resumed the lord, “a manner of speaking in accordance with my old cosmogony and one which i cannot give up without losing my immutability. . . .
“after the sun, then, will have turned another two hundred and forty times round the earth, there will not be a single cleric left in rome who knows latin. when they sing their litanies in the churches people will invoke orichel, roguel, and totichel, and, as you know, these are devils and not angels. many robbers desiring to make their communions, but fearing that before obtaining pardon they would be forced to give up the things they had robbed to the church, will make their confessions to travelling priests, who, ignorant of both italian and latin, and only speaking the patois of their village, will go through cities and towns selling the remission of sins for a base price, often for a bottle of wine. probably we shall not be inconvenienced by those absolutions as they will want contrition to make them valid, but it may be that their baptisms will cause us some embarrassment. the priests will become so ignorant that they will baptize children in nomine patria et filia et spirita sancta, as louis de potter will take a pleasure in relating in the third volume of his ‘philosophical, political, and critical history of christianity.’ it will be an arduous question to decide on the validity of such baptisms; for even if in my sacred writings i tolerate a greek less elegant than plato’s and a scarcely ciceronian latin, i cannot possibly admit a piece of pure patois as a liturgical formula. and one shudders when one thinks that millions of new-born babes will be baptized by this method. but let us return to our penguins.”
“your divine words, lord, have already led us back to them,” said st. gal. “in the signs of religion and the laws of salvation form necessarily prevails over essence, and the validity of a sacrament solely depends upon its form. the whole question is whether the penguins have been baptized with the proper forms. now there is no doubt about the answer.”
the fathers and the doctors agreed, and their perplexity became only the more cruel.
“the christian state,” said st. cornelius, “is not without serious inconveniences for a penguin. in it the birds are obliged to work out their own salvation. how can they succeed? the habits of birds are, in many points, contrary to the commandments of the church, and the penguins have no reason for changing theirs. i mean that they are not intelligent enough to give up their present habits and assume better.”
“they cannot,” said the lord; “my decrees prevent them.”
“nevertheless,” resumed st. cornelius, “in virtue of their baptism their actions no longer remain indifferent. henceforth they will be good or bad, susceptible of merit or of demerit.”
“that is precisely the question we have to deal with,” said the lord.
“i see only one solution,” said st. augustine. “the penguins will go to hell.”
“but they have no soul,” observed st. irenaeus.
“it is a pity,” sighed tertullian.
“it is indeed,” resumed st. gal. “and i admit that my disciple, the holy mael, has, in his blind zeal, created great theological difficulties for the holy spirit and introduced disorder into the economy of mysteries.”
“he is an old blunderer,” cried st. adjutor of alsace, shrugging his shoulders.
but the lord cast a reproachful look on adjutor.
“allow me to speak,” said he; “the holy mael has not intuitive knowledge like you, my blessed ones. he does not see me. he is an old man burdened by infirmities; he is half deaf and three parts blind. you are too severe on him. however, i recognise that the situation is an embarrassing one.”
“luckily it is but a passing disorder,” said st. irenaeus. “the penguins are baptized, but their eggs are not, and the evil will stop with the present generation.”
“do not speak thus, irenaeus my son,” said the lord. “there are exceptions to the laws that men of science lay down on the earth because they are imperfect and have not an exact application to nature. but the laws that i establish are perfect and suffer no exception. we must decide the fate of the baptized penguins without violating any divine law, and in a manner conformable to the decalogue as well as to the commandments of my church.”
“lord,” said st. gregory nazianzen, “give them an immortal soul.”
“alas! lord, what would they do with it,” sighed lactantius. “they have not tuneful voices to sing your praises. they would not be able to celebrate your mysteries.”
“without doubt,” said st. augustine, “they would not observe the divine law.”
“they could not,” said the lord.
“they could not,” continued st. augustine. “and if, lord, in your wisdom, you pour an immortal soul into them, they will burn eternally in hell in virtue of your adorable decrees. thus will the transcendent order, that this old welshman has disturbed, be re-established.”
“you propose a correct solution to me, son of monica,” said the lord, “and one that accords with my wisdom. but it does not satisfy my mercy. and, although in my essence i am immutable, the longer i endure, the more i incline to mildness. this change of character is evident to anyone who reads my two testaments.”
as the discussion continued without much light being thrown upon the matter and as the blessed showed a disposition to keep repeating the same thing, it was decided to consult st. catherine of alexandria. this is what was usually done in such cases. st. catherine while on earth had confounded fifty very learned doctors. she knew plato’s philosophy in addition to the holy scriptures, and she also possessed a knowledge of rhetoric.