a society clown.

funny fellows, comic men and clowns of private life, they'd none of them be missed—they'd none of them be missed." the mikado.

one dull day during the end of the year 1873, the police court having adjourned, i went into a ham and beef shop at the corner of bow street to get a sandwich. i generally did this when i had not sufficient time to get a proper lunch, so presume i must have been occupied in the very arduous duties of taking notes of an important case, and jotting down suggestions for a new song or sketch at the same moment—at all times a difficult task, involving a deal of confusion. while purchasing my modest meal a little dog entered the shop. its very tall and slim owner (for he was very slim in those days) whistled to the dog to come out. i presume the dog had reasons for staying in the shop, so the owner had no other option than to walk in and carry the animal out bodily. the owner and i greeted each other:

"how do you do, mr. grain?"

"how do you do, mr. grossmith?"

we did not know each other so well in those days as we do now, and were naturally a little formal in our method of address.

i enquired, as a matter of course, how his new song was going at the gallery of illustration? he enquired how mine was going at the polytechnic? he then told me that he was preparing sketches, for the purpose of giving professionally at private houses during the forthcoming season. i had no idea that this sort of thing was done (i must have been very ignorant, i fear), and in reply to my questions he enlightened me on many points which were of the utmost interest, and subsequent importance to me. i remember asking him if the work was agreeable, and if the people were nice. his answer, i recollect, was very characteristic of him. "very," he said; "and, what is more important, it pays well." he also told me that john parry used to sing professionally at private houses. this decided me; for i knew that what was good enough for john parry and corney grain, was more than good enough for me.

"well," i said, "i think i shall try it, mr. grain."

"i certainly should if i were you," he replied.

we said the usual "good-bye at the door;" he departed with his dog into covent garden, and i departed with my sandwich into bow street.

it so happened that i was going, a few evenings afterwards, to a large musical party near harley street, and i decided, if i sang, to try the whole of "the silver wedding," the sketch i was then giving at the polytechnic, instead of the plain comic song which i had generally "obliged with." the hostess, when the time came for me to volunteer, expressed herself much delighted at my proposed innovation. the grand piano was turned as i wanted it, and a little table (supposed to represent the supper table), with wine decanter and glass, was placed to my right. all these preparations, instead of causing the proceedings to flag as one would naturally suppose, only increased the excitement—such as there was, or could be at a private party. i was more than pleased at the result—i was astonished. for instance, i felt sure the imitation after-supper speeches would lose their entire effect from the want of a platform and footlights. the sketch lasted quite half an hour, which i feared would have been thought too long. to my surprise, i was asked if i would mind giving another. however, i let well alone and did not give any more that evening, but took the hint i received from corney grain, and began to prepare some sketches specially.

at my next parties i tried "the puddleton penny readings," and

"theatricals at thespis lodge," with the same result.

i then went to mr. george dolby, who had been charles dickens's agent and manager in america, and who had at that time offices in bond street, and told him i intended trying the private work. he said it was a capital idea, and he would, in all probability, be able to get me several engagements during the following june and july, which was the busy time for private concerts, &c.

in the meanwhile a clergyman, from windsor, communicated with me through one of the musical libraries in bond street, and secured my services for an evening party at his house; and it is with great satisfaction that i record the circumstance that i was recommended by corney grain, who was first applied to, but unable, for some reason, to accept for himself. after my recent conversation with him on the subject, i thought it most kind of him to perform an action which i should never have dreamed of asking him to do.

the next two seasons i was occupied in forming and increasing a connection. george dolby sent me several engagements in london, when he found the first one i fulfilled for him passed off without complaint! then, in time, came the best sign of all that i was progressing; viz., the people began to write to me personally. at first i found it terribly uphill work. if the people do not know the singer they wont listen, on the paradoxical principle that they sometimes wont listen if they do know him. some are wonderfully well-known and have a facility for clearing the room almost as remarkable as have some reciters. the "chandelier-shaker" is invariably a "room-clearer." if in my earlier days (or even now for the matter of fact) people displayed no anxiety to hear me, i felt thankful if they did quit the room. such conduct is preferable to that of the more fashionable people who stop in and talk.

it is a very easy thing for the ordinary drawing-room amateur comic singer to make a success. he has only to watch his opportunity. he will wait, perhaps, till his audience and himself have had supper, and all are in the mood to be amused. but let him go professionally to a dull after-dinner party, where no one knows him, and he finds eight or nine elderly ladies yawning and wondering when the gentlemen will come up and join them. let him try that audience. if he can amuse them, he will not only be satisfied at receiving his cheque, but will be conscious of the fact that he has thoroughly earned it. i feel a special delight in persevering in waking up an audience like that. i resort to all sorts of measures by which i can do so.

once i was singing at a private house in the country to an odd assortment of people. i was informed that the party followed a wedding which had taken place in the morning. if it had followed a funeral, it would have accounted for the general depression and gloom which prevailed. i played the piano and the fool for three-quarters of an hour, and anything more dismal than the result it would be impossible to imagine. a temptation seized me suddenly, and i said:

"ladies and gentlemen,—i am going to reveal to you a secret. pray don't let it go any further. this is supposed to be a comic entertainment. i don't expect you to laugh at it in the least; but if, during the next sketch, you would only once oblige me with a society smile, it would give me a great deal of encouragement."

the audience for a moment were dumbfounded. they first began to titter, then to laugh, and actually to roar, and for a time i could not proceed with the sketch. they were transformed into a capital and enthusiastic audience; and the hostess told me that both her guests and herself were most grateful to me.

i am frequently asked if i like giving my entertainments in private houses, and i answer most emphatically that i do. i never feel so much in my element as when i have a nice piano on a dais, and a seated audience of educated and well-dressed people, in a handsome drawing-room. it is a pleasure to me to sing to them; and although i occupy an hour and a half—sometimes more—over the three musical sketches which i usually give, i feel quite sorry when i have finished.

i have never received unkindness from anyone—quite the reverse. so much hospitality and good-will have been extended towards me by people who are utter strangers, and whose associations with me have been purely of a business character, that i often have wondered what i have done to deserve it all.

there are the usual "four to seven" afternoon parties. i have a little dread of what is known as the "smart" evening parties in london. the large suites of rooms will be comparatively empty at eleven o'clock; but in a quarter of an hour the guests will stream in in hundreds. then they block up all the rooms and staircases, while thirty or forty will crowd round the grand piano and exclude the rest from any chance of seeing or hearing the unfortunate singer. in half or three-quarters of an hour the rooms will be empty again. but i must say a "smart" party is at all times an interesting sight: the beautiful dresses, the array of diamonds, the stars and garters, especially if a royal function is taking place the same evening, so that people are "going on" or "have come on from." yet with all this grandeur it does seem such an anomaly, among so much greatness, so much wealth, to hear such a babel of idiotic conversation even from the mouths of the most able representatives of the houses of lords and commons. the greater the people, the smaller the talk.

music on such an occasion is quite out of place, and i never can understand why the hostess arranges to have any. a grand reception, i take it, is a reception, and not a concert. it is impossible to combine the two. i do not blame the people on these occasions for talking: they cannot even get into the room where the music is. sometimes, by adopting the fashionable process of spitefully digging your way through people, you may get near the piano, and even a glimpse of the singer. yes, there he is—a well-known drawing-room tenor, perhaps, who has received fifty guineas to sing a couple of songs. you see him simply indulging, apparently, in a dumb-show performance. the windows are open behind him, and there is a perfect din of the "clinking" of the harness of hundreds of horses in the road outside, intermingled with lusty shouts from the linkmen, with trombone voices, far and near: "lady peckham rye's carriage next;" "col. waterloo rhodes's carriage stops the way;" "mrs. bompleton's servant," "coming out," "coming in," "baron bosch's carriage—no servant."

fortunately i cannot arrive at such parties until about a quarter to twelve at night (having, of course, my usual engagement at the savoy to fulfil), and by that time the rooms have cleared a little, either through departure of guests for another party or for supper below. the chairs are suddenly produced in a semi-circle round the piano, and i am turned on to wind up the evening, having previously wound up myself. and i do wind up myself sometimes, even to the extent of getting the livelier and more juvenile members of the aristocracy, as the end of my entertainment approaches, to join, without invitation, in the chorus of "the duke of seven dials," "see me dance the polka," or "the happy fatherland," according to the jingling nature of the song.

it was at a reception of this sort at a ducal mansion that i overheard a rather rude enquiry respecting myself. i arrived after my performance at the theatre, and i was leaving the drawing-room with her grace in order to arrange for a slight alteration of the position of the piano, which had been placed so that only back of my head could be seen, and i am willing to confess that i have not much expression there. the duke, who is tolerably well-known for his brusque and autocratic manner, addressing her grace in my presence, said, "has that fellow arrived yet?" the duchess looked terribly confused, and glanced at the duke and myself alternately, but i did not answer. as the duke repeated the question with the amount of severity that a husband is always privileged to use towards his wife, i replied politely, "yes, your grace, that fellow has arrived." with that i walked away and directed the servants to move the piano, and out of revenge i determined to exert my utmost to make my entertainment go well. although his grace was rude to his wife, of course he did not intend to be rude to me; for immediately the first sketch was over he came and told me how pleased he was with it.

although i have never been treated with any rudeness, still i have been often amused by the peculiarities of people.

a gentleman wrote to me for the purpose of engaging me, and, rightly or wrongly, asked me if my sketches were quite comme il faut, as he had several young daughters. i was so immensely tickled by this, that, also rightly or wrongly, i replied that my entertainments were as they should be; for i was recently married, and hoped myself to have several young daughters. he wrote thanking me for this assurance, and i was to consider myself accordingly engaged.

i never like arriving early at these afternoon engagements; and if i arrive late, my hostess gets naturally anxious. it depresses me to have to stand in a drawing-room which has been cleared of every stick of furniture for the occasion, and to watch the arrival of the solemn-looking ladies and their daughters, who generally attend such gatherings early. the young men never turn up till about five or half-past. in order to avoid this, i write to my hostess to tell her of the time i shall arrive, which i fix at about half or three quarters of an hour after the hour for which her invitations have been issued. the consequence is that when i arrive the room is full; people have warmed themselves into a general conversation, and i walk straight to the piano and commence my first half-hour without more ado.

sometimes—very rarely—a lady will politely request me to arrive a little before the time: of course i comply with this request, and make the best of it, but during the latter part of june and the first few weeks in july it is no joke. i have arrived punctually at a "four to seven" party, and have not commenced my first sketch till a quarter to six; the day having been fine and the guests all driving in the park. during those months people do not arrive until five, and then they appear to have one eye on me and the other on the tea. the audience is composed almost entirely of ladies—but i like them.

some years ago i was most particularly requested by one anxious and evidently very nervous lady to arrive punctually on a certain afternoon. i arrived, and was received most cordially by the hostess, who, to my delight, had the room arranged with chairs so that the people could sit down; but on my arrival only one chair was occupied, and that was by a boy in an eton jacket, who was seated himself at the extreme end of the room. i waited a full three-quarters of an hour before a single person arrived. in the meanwhile the lady handed me a little pink envelope enclosing what sir digby grant, in the two roses, designates "a little cheque." i placed it hastily in my pocket, and was much amused by the lady approaching me shortly afterwards and saying, "have you got it quite safe?"

i enquired what?

she replied, "the little envelope."

i said, "oh yes, thank you."

"oh, that is all right," she said. "it seemed to me you placed it rather carelessly in your pocket."

"oh, it was not carelessness," i assured her; "only bashfulness."

at a quarter to five two ladies arrived, and at five the hostess, addressing me, said:

"would you mind commencing now? some of the audience have been here nearly an hour."

this, i presume, had reference to the eton boy at the back of the room, who came before time.

"with pleasure," i remarked. i opened the grand piano and commenced the first item. i had not been at it more than ten minutes when the two ladies got up, and, shaking hands with the hostess, said they were so sorry they could not stay any longer, but they had to meet some friends at another party before half-past five. i therefore continued the next twenty minutes of the sketch to the solitary boy, whose totally immovable face gave me no idea as to whether he was enjoying the entertainment or not. the room soon began to fill with extraordinary rapidity. at the conclusion of the entertainment the hostess again, in a whisper, asked if i still had the envelope quite safe. i pulled it half-way out of my breast coat-pocket, and said, with a smile and a nod, "it's all right, you see."

she laughed and replied:

"oh, yes; i see it's all right."

at the foot of the stairs i encountered the eton boy with the serious face. he had stayed till the very last. i said:

"well, weren't you bored with all the rot i've been talking?"

he replied:

"no; it was awfully jolly. i wish there had been more of it."

there was no affectation about the boy, and his simple answer gave me much satisfaction.

if i had not spoken, he would have said nothing. how very different from the lady who has been talking on the staircase at the top of her voice, who has never once listened or even glanced towards the piano, but who, on seeing you pass by, greets you with:

"what a wonderful man you are! how can you think of all these things? you are quite too delightful!"

i have frequently been amused at the amount of diffidence displayed by people when handing me the honorarium. sometimes the hostess will thank me profusely, and, in shaking hands, squeeze the little envelope into my palm.

some ladies will say loudly, "good-bye, and thank you so much." then softly, "i will write you to-morrow."

some ladies will whisper mysteriously, "you will hear from my husband to-morrow." this at first sounds rather awful; but the husband's communication is pleasant and most welcome.

the pall mall gazette published a most amusing sketch of an elderly gentleman paying me in specie in the middle of the room, and dropping the sovereigns all over the floor.

a very wealthy gentleman drove up to my father's house, about fifteen years ago, in a carriage and pair and with gorgeous livery, for the purpose of securing my services. i was out of town at the time; so my father mentioned my fee, which was not very exorbitant in those days. the gentleman was not inclined to give more than half; so my discriminating parent "closed" with him. i do not mean in the pugilistic sense of the word, but that he accepted the terms on my behalf. i fulfilled the engagement; and when i saw the lovely mansion, with its magnificent drawing-room, i wondered a little at my host having suggested a reduction in the fee. i do not wonder now: i have experienced still more wonderful things since then. the gentleman himself was very kind, as far as i remember. i was only a beginner, and in all probability he did not even know my name perfectly. he paid me on the first landing, and a shilling slipped through his fingers and rolled down the staircase. i was about to roll down after it, when he stopped me, saying:

"please don't trouble; here's another."

as i went out of the door i beheld my host and about four liveried servants hunting for the lost coin.

as far as my own feelings are concerned, i experience no particular delicacy as to the manner in which i am paid. i prefer the cheque to be sent on a day or two after; and i least like the medical-man custom of slipping the fee into the hand as you depart. you cannot, under such circumstances, shake hands naturally or with comfort; and there is always the chance of a sovereign falling on the oilcloth, to say nothing of the risk of banging your heads together as you both politely dive after it. why should i be bashful, when i see members of the aristocracy selling goods over a counter, and taking the money and giving change in exactly the same manner as the ordinary tradesman?

a young gentleman once called upon me. he explained that he was acting as a sort of ambassador for a friend of his, mrs. ——, of mayfair, who wished me to dine at her house. i replied that i had not the honour of the lady's acquaintance, and, though appreciating her kind invitation, did not exactly see how i could very well avail myself of it. he said that prince somebody-orother and la comtesse de soandso would be dining there, and mrs. —— would be so pleased if i would join the party, and sing a little song after dinner.

"oh," i said, "if mrs. —— wishes to engage me professionally, that is another matter, and, if i am at liberty, i will come with much pleasure."

"oh," said the ambassador, "i fancy mrs. —— is under the impression that if she includes you in her dinner-party, it is an understood thing that you sing afterwards."

"i am afraid i do not understand that," i said. "it would not pay me to do so. i only consume about ten shillings' worth of food and wine, and my terms are more than that."

sometimes, at private houses, i am retained to take part in a concert, and not give the entire entertainment myself; and it is astonishing to what expense a hostess will sometimes go to entertain and amuse her guests.

i used to be engaged every year by a lady who lived in quite a small house, in a street turning out of lowndes square. beyond a choice collection of old china, there was no outward display of wealth. her guests at her afternoon parties i should not imagine exceeded forty in number, and these were always made to sit down. she declared she would not have her entertainments spoiled by a crowd, and she was perfectly right.

one afternoon when i was singing there she had a well-known soprano, tenor and pianist, a lady and gentleman who gave recitals in costume, and senor sarasate, the violinist. on another occasion she engaged several well-known singers, also madame norman neruda (who, i remember, played exquisitely on that occasion), while the comic element was supplied by miss fanny leslie and myself. on neither of the above afternoons could the entertainment have cost the hostess much less than ￡150.

sometimes i am engaged with only one singer, who, the host will explain, will be able to effectually fill up my intervals of rest. clifford harrison (the most talented and most popular of drawing-room reciters) and i, have been engaged together—a combination which has been most agreeable to me. i have also been engaged on two or three occasions with corney grain, which was a case (as he humorously put it) of "one down, the other come on."

once i received a letter saying, "besides yourself, i have secured an ocarina."

i do not know if i have spelt it properly, but, for the life of me, i could not tell what an ocarina was. i found it was an oval-shaped instrument, of jet black, which emitted sounds the notes of a flute with a very bad cold. the performer looked, while playing it, as if he were eating a large potato.

perhaps the most interesting professional engagement i have ever fulfilled in private was at the residence of mr. john aird, m.p., hyde park terrace, on the 17th june, 1887.

it was jubilee year, and the amiable and generous host was evidently determined to treat his guests to a novel entertainment. he wanted something that had not been done before, and instructed his friend, rutland barrington, to look out for an original entertainment. a suggestion came eventually from mr. fred leslie, the clever actor, that the screen scene from the school for scandal should be performed in a dumb show. barrington and leslie discussed the matter, and it was arranged that there should be no costumes, and that the silent actions of the performers should be described by a lecturer. mr. aird was delighted with the idea, and determined that the piece should be well cast. i feel sure the reader will be interested to know who took part in the performance; so i append the cast:

sir peter teazle … … … mr. arthur cecil.

joseph surface … … … mr. fred. leslie.

charles surface … … … mr. corney grain.

servant … … … … mr. durward lely.

lady teazle … … … mr. george grossmith.

lecturer … … … … mr. rutland barrington.

at the piano … mr. munroe coward.

the skit had been carefully rehearsed several times, and mr. aird ("our manager," as we called him) attended all the rehearsals in the most business-like manner, and gave some valuable suggestions. the performance, which lasted about twenty-five minutes, went with a roar of laughter from beginning to end.

i thought it stood a chance of being successful, but had no idea it would succeed so well as it did. barrington's introduction and description were very funny. he commenced by explaining that a dramatic license had at the last moment been refused us, and we were not, therefore, permitted to speak any dialogue; but he would stand at the side and explain the plot and performance as they proceeded. he also added that another disappointment had been experienced by the non-arrival of the costumes, and apologised for the screen being a glass one, but it was the only one he could get. although our actions were at times extravagant, still we played with great seriousness. there was no ridiculous "mugging," which always spoils a burlesque performance. there was no conventional comic walk, strut, or pantaloon gait. we discarded the usual knowing grin which always seems to say, "i'm the funny man; prepare to laugh." an audience never requires to be told in this fashion that a man is funny; they are quite capable of discovering the fact for themselves. a carroty wig and a red nose can no more make a comedian than a coat can make a man. it was the extreme seriousness of the opening scene between leslie and cecil, as joseph and sir peter, that set the audience off at the very beginning. fred. leslie was simply immense. his natural look of extreme horror when sir peter indicated he suspected charles surface simply convulsed the people. arthur cecil was excessively funny in his relation of his quarrels with her ladyship. he was as melancholy as all the sir peters ever played put together; and the following was the climax:

the lecturer (barrington): sir peter will now express that in their last quarrel, lady teazle almost hinted that she should not break her heart if he was dead.

arthur cecil did a little dumb-show action, then quietly rose from his chair and lay at full length on the stage, on his back.

when the servant entered, and charles surface was announced,

barrington said:

"joseph surface says, ''sdeath, blockhead! i'm not within.'"

[suitable action by leslie.]

lecturer: joseph surface says he is "out for the day." observe, ladies and gentlemen, how joseph describes being out for the day.

here leslie put on his opera-hat, seized an imaginary partner, and began waltzing round, a la rosherville gardens.

charles surface was eventually introduced.

lecturer: charles surface now enters. please observe, ladies and gentlemen, that charles surface is "fast."

the entrance of corney grain, with his hat very much on one side, and his thumbs stuck in his waistcoat, as emblems of fastness, may be imagined better than described. in fact, it is quite impossible to describe the performance. all i can say is, that it had to be repeated; and, whether it was artistic or not, mr. luke fildes, r.a., and mr. marcus stone, r.a., attended both performances.

it may be asked how we managed to conclude the performance. after the screen was thrown down—for which, of course, there was no necessity; for through the glass could distinctly be seen her ladyship, with a plate of sandwiches and a glass of wine—the lecturer said:

"all having been satisfactorily explained—"

at this abrupt announcement, without any action to justify it, there was continued laughter.

"according to the present fashion which prevails in revivals of old comedies, a minuet a la mode will be danced."

munroe coward arranged "oh, the jubilee!" a seasonable and popular comic song, a la minuet, in a most skilful manner; and to this we danced and made our bows, with the exception of myself, who, arrayed in an antimacassar, indulged in my very best courtesy.

our host and hostess, whose reputation for kindness and hospitality cannot be surpassed, placed everything in our way to help us, and were so interested themselves that i know i can say, on the part of the players, that our labour was one of love. our audience showed pretty plainly that they enjoyed the performance, and i know we did.

i have given entertainments at the houses of all sorts and conditions of men, and all sorts of places. once i sang at a large christening party. i should think sixty or seventy people sat down to lunch. the health of the baby was, of course, proposed, and the baby was produced and handed round to all the guests to kiss. it stood this trying ordeal with perfect good humour; but the darling little boy was obliged to draw the line somewhere, and so he drew it at me. he set up a series of howls which alarmed the whole party—especially the nurse, who darted at me a look of unmistakable indignation. if i had surreptitiously pinched the little treasure, the look of the nurse could not have been more terrible. she departed with the baby, and soothed it with the following pleasant remark about myself:

"was 'im frightened by an ugly man den?"

i am very fond of children, and i flatter myself that children are fond of me, as a rule. but there are exceptions, of course; and i will relate another of them.

a great friend of mine, whose country house is not a thousand miles away from twyford, has a bonny little boy, who, at the age of about a year and a half, took a sudden dislike to my pince nez, and began to squall the moment i entered the room. from a humorous spirit of mischief, the fond mother in future held me up as a bogey to the boy. if he was fractious, the following threat was held out to him:

"if you are not good, i will call mr. grossmith;" or, "if you do not eat your food, i shall send you into the room where mr. grossmith is."

this always had the desired effect. i believe i have been useful in a variety of ways, but this is the only time i have been required as a bogey to frighten children. as a sequel to the story, i may say the boy is a little older now, and we are very good friends; in fact, the last time i saw him he, of his own accord, selected me as his companion to spend an entire afternoon in the garden collecting snails.

an amusing series of incidents was the result of an engagement which i fulfilled at the residence of a gentleman in kent. on going to the opera comique one evening, i found a gentleman waiting for me at the stage-door. he introduced himself as the head clerk of mr. a——, a distinguished manufacturer, who was desirous of obtaining my services for an evening party, to be given in honour of the coming of age of young mr. a——, at the family mansion in kent. i invited the head clerk to my dressing-room; for, as we were about to close the theatre for a short time, i knew there was a possibility of my being able to accept the engagement. the clerk at once commenced the conversation by saying that he did a little acting himself—"only as an amateur, of course." i had no reason to doubt his statement, seeing that he had shaved his moustache off and grown his hair to an inordinate length behind.

"now," said he, coming to the business point of the transaction,

"mr. a—— wants to know how much you charge, first."

i enlightened him on that matter.

"well, i dare say that'll be all right. mr. a—— means to spare no expense. but the great thing is—what sort of entertainment do you give?"

i explained that i took my seat at the piano, and chatted, played, and sang, after the manner of john parry.

"is there no change of costumes? don't you require any scenery or footlights?"

"no," i replied. "i'm simply like one of the guests, except that i do something and they don't."

"oh," said the clerk, a little puzzled, "one of the guests? i must see mr. a—— about that. i don't think he understands that."

"well," i observed, "you had better see that he understands that before we proceed any further."

the head clerk said, "good-night," and left the room, with a gait that seemed to hit the happy medium between the walk of henry irving and the stride of a pantomimic policeman.

the next night he returned, with profuse apologies, stating that mr. a—— of course would receive me as a guest, and would feel honoured at making my acquaintance.

this was rather going to extremes, i thought; but the fault was on the right side. i booked the date, and eventually "attended the evening party." i shall never forget it. i was received as a guest—as the guest, in fact—and no mistake about it. my reception was enormous. young mr. a——, who had come of age, was, comparatively speaking, nowhere. i was introduced to nearly everybody—or, more strictly speaking, everybody was presented to me. my entertainments were never better received. they were given at intervals during the dancing. i danced with the most attractive dancers, whom the host compelled to dance with me.

i enjoyed it immensely.

i don't think they did, and am positive their displaced partners did not.

shortly after midnight the supper-rooms were thrown open, and i was requested to take the hostess in to supper. no royal prince could have been treated better than i was. an elderly clergyman quoted from my entertainment in proposing the health of young mr. a——, on the auspicious occasion of his coming of age. young mr. a—— followed the clergyman's example in returning thanks. then, to my utter surprise, mr. a—— sen., proposed my health, and thanked me for coming down.

i returned thanks; and as there was a risk of an anti-climax, i rose—with an amount of consummate impudence which, i am sorry to say, is a little characteristic of me—and proposed the health of the host and hostess, on the plea that i was the oldest friend of the family, and had known them all their lives. this observation was received with continued roars of laughter. i did not, and do not even now, think it funny; but please remember, after a good champagne supper, people will roar at anything.

we returned to the drawing-room. i sang again, and then came the hour for my departure, for i had to drive all the way to town.

mr. a—— stood in the middle of the room and shouted:

"silence for a moment. all those who have been delighted with mr.

grossmith, please hold up their hands."

up went all the hands with the exception of those belonging to the displaced partners. mr. a——, with much forethought, for which i mentally thanked him, refrained from appealing to the "noes."

continuing his thanks, mr. a—— said:

"we are all much obliged to you, mr. grossmith; and"—here he fumbled in his right-hand pocket—"and if ever you want a little rest, we shall give you a hearty welcome if you like to stay here; and"—here he seized my right hand, and i felt an envelope being forced into it—"and mind you come. good-bye. i think you'll find that right," referring to the cheque, of course.

on eventually examining the cheque, i found it was written for an amount nearly double my fee.

i daresay many will think the cordiality extended towards me by mr. a—— was ostentatious, if not absolutely vulgar. all i can say is, it was infinitely to be preferred to the reception i once received from a lady of title who invited me to her party, who had not engaged me professionally, but who welcomed me at the top of her staircase with a vacant look and the following observation in her most aristocratic tone:

"how late you are! will you sing now?"

i need scarcely say there was no song; but there was a supper, of which i took full advantage.

yet another incident, which occurred in my dressing-room at the

opera comique, and which is indelible on my memory:

a laird sent his scotch butler to me one evening to make inquiries respecting my entertainment. the butler, an elderly, pompous, and exceedingly stupid man, produced a piece of note-paper containing a string of questions which he was instructed to ask me.

the first question was: "can mr. grossmith give an entertainment at

aberdeen on jan.——?"

i replied that my nightly engagement at the theatre would totally prevent my accepting an engagement at aberdeen. i could only sing at afternoon parties in town, or a short distance from it.

the butler, with a broad scotch accent, which i need not imitate here, said:

"ye'll have the goodness to answer this question, please. 'can mr.

grossmith give an entertainment at aberdeen on jan.——?'"

"no; i cannot," i replied.

the butler continued reading:

"'what will be his terms?'"

"but i cannot go," i argued.

"ye'll save a deal o' time if ye'll answer the questions, please.

what'll be the terms?"

"well, we will say a hundred guineas, as i can't go," i answered, endeavouring to restrain myself from bursting out laughing in his face.

the butler made a note of the terms, and continued:

"'will the entertainment be consistent?'"

"what?" i ejaculated.

"'will the entertainment be consistent?'"

"consistent?" for the life of me, i could not see what he meant.

"yes—consistent."

i thought a little, and then said:

"would you kindly explain the question? i do not understand it in the least."

the butler said:

"well, you must know, the laird is a strict presbyterian, and all

the guests will be strict

presbyterians, and he wants to know if your entertainment will be

consistent."

"now i understand you," i replied. "certainly, my entertainment will be quite consistent. i am always very careful, and shall only sing presbyterian comic songs."

he made a note of my remark in the most serious way, and left, saying:

"the laird himself will write to say if he can accept the terms."

that occurred nearly ten years ago, and the laird has not written yet.

giving entertainments in private houses is a constant source of delight to me, and i feel both pleasure and pride in my work. i take sometimes enormous pains in writing and composing the sketches, and have often devoted several hours a day for a week or so in arranging and composing a musical illustration which will only occupy a few minutes in performance, and which may pass almost unnoticed by the majority of the audience. but when the connoisseur picks that illustration out from all the rest of the entertainment as his choice, i feel am i more than rewarded for my trouble.

all sorts of stories about me appear from time to time in the cheap weekly journals of the coloured paper or wrapper type, and i suppose they are amusing to the readers. the amuse me sometimes. i never mind chaff.

my entertainments in private are capital scope for the smaller journalists; and journalists, like other people, can be very small sometimes. i read accounts of my own indignation at having been told to go round to the servants' entrance; how a duchess was horrified at discovering she was dancing with me instead of lord adolphus; my injured feelings because a hostess did not shake hands with me; and my having called upon the butler at marlborough house, and spreading the report that i had visited the prince of wales. these paragraphs, though absolutely untrue, are inoffensive, and do good, inasmuch as they do not hurt me, but supply the author with a few hard and honestly-earned shillings.

spiteful and really offensive paragraphs are regarded by me in a different light. an offensive paragraph has the same effect upon me as an anonymous letter. i feel the same sort of pity for the writer as i do for the poor "norfolk howard," who can only do its work in the dark, and cuts such a terrified figure when the light is suddenly flashed upon it. the anonymous letter-writer is, perhaps, the worst of the three; for his action is nearly always dictated by a feeling of spite; whereas the "norfolk howard" and the "offensive paragraphist" are actuated by a feeling of hunger: and necessitas non habet leges.

there are exceptions to every rule, and i soon ascertained that hunger was not the raison d'etre of the following exceptional notice in reference to my debut in a weekly paper:

"* * * * * * * * * and something which was called an 'entertainment' by a beardless boy, whose tones betokened his cockney birth, and whose sole ideas of humour seemed to be derived from an excessive abuse of vulgar gesture, and the constant employment of such slang terms as are heard in police-courts and penny gaffs. when master grossmith was not vulgar, he was simply stupid; for which reason his attempts at amusing an intelligent audience by a wretched imitation of the christy minstrels and a badly-arranged rehash of albert smith's 'evening parties' were, as they deserved to be, a dead failure. the whole exhibition was most painful, and as far beneath what we should have expected to see at the polytechnic as a 'penny dreadful' is from one of thackeray's novels. our advice to the debutant is, to tarry at jericho till his beard be grown."

i was extremely hurt at this, but the direct allusion to the police-court aroused my suspicions. i became a sort of amateur detective; and the result was, i "received information" that the article had been written by a gentle of position, who had just beforehand been charged at bow street with a very serious offence, and whose friends had not been successful in persuading me to "keep the case out of the paper," or in "altering his name" beyond recognition.

i owe very much to the press, not merely for the favour extended towards me, but also for improvements gathered from their adverse criticism. but whenever i read a notice like the above, i am consoled by the thought that its author, at some time or other, without consent or consultation, has put in an appearance at bow street police court during my reign as reporter.

in the foregoing chapter, i have dealt entirely with visits into society professionally. in the next, and last, i shall speak of the non-professional invitations: for, strange as it may appear to the uninitiated, i am not always expected "to oblige with a song;" nor is it a sine qua non that if i accept an invitation to dinner, it is on the distinct understanding that i should be funny. i can be a very rational being when i choose; and any hostess who asked me to her residence in the expectation that i should gratuitously amuse her guests, would find me particularly prosaic.

happily for all professional men and women, such hostesses are very rare; and, fortunately, their reputations precede them. still, there are people who cannot understand why i should appear in propria persona in a drawing-room; and a wealthy hatter of slight acquaintance, meeting me at a "mansion house" ball, said:

"hulloa! mr. grossmith, what are you doing here? are you going to give us any of your little funniments—eh?"

"no," i replied. "are you going to sell any of your hats?"