the candidate’s name was bianca rivera and she met allcriteria.

there was one obstacle, to which i would need to devote time.

she noted that she had twice won the state ballroom dancingchampionship, and required her partner to be an accomplisheddancer. it seemed perfectly reasonable for her to have somecriteria of her own, and this one was easy to satisfy. and ihad the perfect place to take her.

i called regina, the dean’s assistant, and confirmed that shewas still selling tickets for the faculty ball. then i emailedbianca and invited her as my partner. she accepted! i had adate – the perfect date.

now i had ten days to learn to dance.

gene entered my office as i was practising my dance steps.

‘i think the longevity statistics were based on marriages to livewomen, don.’

he was referring to the skeleton i was using for practice. ihad obtained it on loan from the anatomy department, and noone had asked what i required it for. judging from the pelvissize, it was almost133/290certainly a male skeleton, but this was irrelevant for dancingpractice.

i explained its purpose to gene, pointing out the scene fromthe film grease that was showing on the wall of my office.

‘so,’ said gene, ‘ms right – sorry, dr right, phd, just poppedinto your inbox.’

‘her name’s not wright,’ i said, ‘it’s rivera.’

‘photo?’

‘not necessary. the meeting arrangements are quite precise.

she’s coming to the faculty ball.’

‘oh shit.’ gene went silent for a while and i resumed dancingpractice. ‘don, the faculty ball is friday after next.’

‘correct.’

‘you can’t learn to dance in nine days.’

‘ten. i started yesterday. the steps are trivial to remember. ijust need to practise the mechanics. they’re considerably lessdemanding than martial arts.’

i demonstrated a sequence.

‘very impressive,’ said gene. ‘sit down, don.’

i sat.

‘i hope you’re not too pissed off at me about rosie,’ he said.

i had almost forgotten. ‘why didn’t you tell me she was apsychology student? and about the bet?’

‘from what claudia said, you guys seemed to be having agood time.

i thought if she wasn’t telling you it was for a reason. shemay be a bit twisted but she’s not stupid.’

‘perfectly reasonable,’ i said. on matters of human interaction,why argue with a professor of psychology?

‘i’m glad one of you is all right with it,’ said gene. ‘i have totell you, rosie was a little unhappy with me. a little unhappywith life. listen, don, i persuaded her to go to the ball. alone.

if you knew how often134/290rosie takes my advice, you’d realise what a big deal that was.

i was going to suggest you do the same.’

‘take your advice?’

‘no, go to the ball – alone. or invite rosie as your partner.’

i now saw what gene was suggesting. gene is so focused onattraction and sex that he sees it everywhere. this time he wastotally in error.

‘rosie and i discussed the question of a relationship explicitly.

neither of us is interested.’

‘since when do women discuss anything explicitly?’ said gene.

i visited claudia for some advice on my crucial date withbianca. i assumed that she would be there in her role asgene’s wife, and i advised her that i might require assistanceon the night. it turned out she wasn’t even aware of the ball.

‘just be yourself, don. if she doesn’t want you for yourself,then she’s not the right person for you.’

‘i think it’s unlikely that any woman would accept me formyself.’

‘what about daphne?’ asked claudia.

it was true – daphne was unlike the women i had dated. thiswas excellent therapy; refutation by counter-example. perhapsbianca would be a younger, dancing, version of daphne.

‘and what about rosie?’ asked claudia.

‘rosie is totally unsuitable.’

‘i wasn’t asking that,’ said claudia. ‘just whether she acceptsyou for yourself.’

i thought about it for a few moments. it was a difficultquestion.

‘i think so. because she isn’t evaluating me as a partner.’

‘it’s probably good that you feel like that,’ said claudia.

135/290feel! feel, feel, feel! feelings were disrupting my sense ofwell-being.

in addition to a nagging desire to be working on the fatherproject rather than the wife project, i now had a high level ofanxiety related to bianca.

throughout my life i have been criticised for a perceived lackof emotion, as if this were some absolute fault. interactions withpsychiatrists and psychologists – even including claudia – startfrom the premise that i should be more ‘in touch’ with myemotions. what they really mean is that i should give in tothem. i am perfectly happy to detect, recognise and analyseemotions. this is a useful skill and i would like to be better atit. occasionally an emotion can be enjoyed –the gratitude i felt for my sister who visited me even duringthe bad times, the primitive feeling of well-being after a glass ofwine – but we need to be vigilant that emotions do not crippleus.

i diagnosed brain overload and set up a spreadsheet to analysethe situation.

i began by listing the recent disturbances to my schedule. twowere unquestionably positive. eva, the short-skirted cleaner, wasdoing an excellent job and had freed up considerable time.

without her, most of the recent additional activities would nothave been possible. and, anxiety notwithstanding, i had my firstfully qualified applicant for the wife project. i had made adecision that i wanted a partner and for the first time i had aviable candidate. logic dictated that the wife project, to which ihad planned to allocate most of my free time, should nowreceive maximum attention. here, i identified problem numberone.

my emotions were not aligned with logic. i was reluctant topursue the opportunity.

i did not know whether to list the father project as positive ornegative but it had consumed enormous time for zero outcome.

my arguments for pursuing it had always been weak, and ihad done far more than could reasonably be expected of me.

if rosie wanted to locate and136/290obtain dna from the remaining candidates, she could do soherself.

she now had substantial practical experience with the collectionprocedure. i could offer to perform the actual tests. once again,logic and emotion were not in step. i wanted to continue thefather project.

why?

it is virtually impossible to make useful comparisons of levels ofhappiness, especially across long periods of time. but if i hadbeen asked to choose the happiest day of my life, i wouldhave nominated, without hesitation, the first day i spent at theamerican museum of natural history in new york when itravelled there for a conference during my phd studies. thesecond-best day was the second day there, and the third-bestthe third day there. but after recent events, it was not soclear. it was difficult to choose between the natural historymuseum and the night of cocktail-making at the golf club.

should i therefore consider resigning my job and acceptingamghad’s offer of a partnership in a cocktail bar? would i bepermanently happier? the idea seemed ludicrous.

the cause of my confusion was that i was dealing with anequation which contained large negative values – most seriouslythe disruption to my schedule – and large positive values – theconsequential enjoyable experiences. my inability to quantifythese factors accurately meant that i could not determine thenet result – negative or positive.

and the margin of error was huge. i marked the fatherproject as being of undetermined net value, and ranked it themost serious disturbance.

the last item on my spreadsheet was the immediate risk thatmy nervousness and ambivalence about the wife project wouldimpede my social interaction with bianca. i was not concernedabout the dancing – i was confident that i could draw on myexperience of preparing for martial-arts competitions, with thesupplementary advantage of an optimum intake of alcohol,which for martial arts is not permitted. my137/290concern was more with social faux pas. it would be terrible tolose the perfect relationship because i failed to detect sarcasmor looked into her eyes for greater or less than theconventional period of time. i reassured myself that claudia wasessentially correct: if these things concerned bianca excessively,she was not the perfect match, and i would at least be in aposition to refine the questionnaire for future use.

i visited a formal costume hire establishment as recommendedby gene and specified maximum formality. i did not want arepeat of the jacket incident.