to those who should ever find themselves in a predicamentsuch as i was in, i would recommend the following program:

1. choose a day when the waves are small but regular. youwant a sea that will put on a good show when your lifeboat isbroadside to it, though without capsizing your boat.

2. stream your sea anchor full out to make your lifeboat asstable and comfortable as possible. prepare your safe havenfrom the lifeboat in case you should need it (you most likelywill). if you can, devise some means of bodily protection.

almost anything can make a shield. wrapping clothes orblankets around your limbs will make for a minimal form ofarmour.

3. now comes the difficult part: you must provoke theanimal that is afflicting you. tiger, rhinoceros, ostrich, wild boar,brown bear – no matter the beast, you must get its goat. thebest way to do this will most likely be to go to the edge ofyour territory and noisily intrude into the neutral zone. i didjust that: i went to the edge of the tarpaulin and stampedupon the middle bench as i mildly blew into the whistle. it isimportant that you make a consistent, recognizable noise tosignal your aggression. but you must be careful. you want toprovoke your animal, but only so much. you don't want it toattack you outright. if it does, god be with you. you will betorn to pieces, trampled flat, disembowelled, very likely eaten.

you don't want that. you want an animal that is piqued,peeved, vexed, bothered, irked, annoyed – but not homicidal.

under no circumstances should you step into your animal'sterritory. contain your aggression to staring into its eyes andhurling toots and taunts.

4. when your animal has been roused, work in all bad faithto provoke a border intrusion. a good way of bringing thisabout in my experience is to back off slowly as you aremaking your noises. be sure not to break eyecontact! as soon as the animal has laid a paw in yourterritory, or even made a determined advance into the neutralterritory, you have achieved your goal. don't be picky orlegalistic as to where its paw actually landed. be quick to beaffronted. don't wait to construe – misconstrue as fast as youcan. the point here is to make your animal understand that itsupstairs neighbour is exceptionally persnickety about territory.

5. once your animal has trespassed upon your territory, beunflagging in your outrage. whether you have fled to your safehaven off the lifeboat or retreated to the back of your territoryon the lifeboat, start blowing your whistle at fullblast and immediately trip the sea anchor. thesetwo actions are of pivotal importance. you must not delayputting them into effect. if you can help your lifeboat getbroadside to the waves by other means, with an oar forexample, apply yourself right away. the faster your lifeboatbroaches to the waves, the better.

6. blowing a whistle continuously is exhausting for theweakened castaway, but you must not falter. your alarmedanimal must associate its increasing nausea with the shrill criesof the whistle. you can help things move along by standing atthe end of your boat, feet on opposing gunnels, and swaying inrhythm to the motion imparted by the sea. however slight youare, however large your lifeboat, you will be amazed at thedifference this will make. i assure you, in no time you'll haveyour lifeboat rocking and rolling like elvis presley. just don'tforget to be blowing your whistle all the while, and mind youdon't make your lifeboat capsize.

7. you want to keep going until the animal that is yourburden – your tiger, your rhinoceros, whatever – is properlygreen about the gills with seasickness. you want to hear itheaving and dry retching. you want to see it lying at thebottom of the lifeboat, limbs trembling, eyes rolled back, adeathly rattle coming from its gaping mouth. and all the whileyou must be shattering the animal's ears with the piercingblows of your whistle. if you become sick yourself, don't wasteyour vomit by sending it overboard. vomit makes an excellentborder guard. puke on the edges of your territory.

8. when your animal appears good and sick, you can stop.

seasickness comes on quickly, but it takes a long while to goaway. you don't want to overstate your case. no one dies ofnausea, but it can seriously sap the will to live. when enoughis enough, stream the sea anchor, try to give shade to youranimal if it has collapsed in direct sunlight, and make sure ithas water available when it recovers, with anti-seasicknesstablets dissolved in it, if you have any. dehydration is a seriousdanger at this point. otherwise, retreat to your territory andleave your animal in peace. water, rest and relaxation, besidesa stable lifeboat, will bring it back to life. the animal should beallowed to recover fully before going through steps 1 to 8again.

9. treatment should be repeated until the association in theanimal's mind between the sound of the whistle and the feelingof intense, incapacitating nausea is fixed and totallyunambiguous. thereafter, the whistle alone will deal withtrespassing or any other untoward behaviour. just one shrillblow and you will see your animal shudder with malaise andrepair at top speed to the safest, furthest part of its territory.

once this level of training is reached, use of the whistle shouldbe sparing.