bridesmaids’ luncheons, bachelor dinners, and wedding anniversaries

guests to be invited—etiquette and dress for bridesmaids’ luncheons—etiquette and dress for bachelor dinners—things to be done and things to be avoided—wedding anniversaries—the right and the wrong way to celebrate them—form of invitation.

“how many bridesmaids shall i have at my wedding?” many a young girl asks herself this question, to which it is not easy to give a categorical answer. we will, however, say to her: choose your attendants for this beautiful day in your life from among those you love and who love you. if you have several sisters and dear friends, the selection may be a little difficult, but doubtless there are some who are nearer to you than others. if you have no sisters, or if they are all married, you perhaps have one or more cousins to represent the family, and you will want to include a sister or other near relative of your fiancé for his sake. let the number of your bridesmaids be decided by that of the young women you would like to have around you at your wedding, provided always this is not so large as to appear ostentatious. you should also consider the question of expense, since it is now the custom for the bride to make a gift to each of her attendants. if the ceremony takes place at church, her family also pay for the carriages for the bridesmaids. a large church wedding is a very costly affair, and a young girl should be considerate in the demands upon her father’s purse. the expenditure for a wedding should be in proportion to the means of the bride’s family, since etiquette demands that they and not the groom should meet it. if the function is unduly elaborate, unfavorable criticism is almost sure to result.

if you decide to be married at home, you will not have more than one or two bridesmaids; at church, four or six is a good number. more than eight seem ostentatious, unless under exceptional circumstances. you may like in addition to have your sister or dearest friend act as maid of honor. a young married woman sometimes acts as matron of honor; but this is in contravention of the good old custom of surrounding the bride with a group of maidens. be sure to make your selection, and to ask your friends to officiate as bridesmaids, in good season. it is your privilege to choose the costumes they are to wear. in doing this we hope you will not be carried away by the charms of the fashion-book models, but will bear in mind the complexion and figure of your friends as they actually exist in real life. you will certainly want them to look their best, for your sake as well as their own. the bride is always the great center of attraction, but if she has good taste she will desire to have the wedding cortège form a harmonious whole. for this purpose the costumes of the bridesmaids may be all alike, or there may be a diversity of coloring. the two that walk together should be dressed alike.

pray be careful also not to make the toilettes so expensive as to be a strain upon the means of your young friends. you may, of course, if your means or those of your family permit, pay for their whole outfit or for certain portions, such as hats or gloves. but this is not customary, although it is occasionally done by a bride rich in this world’s gear.

should a young woman give a luncheon or a dinner to her bridesmaids? the idea of thus gathering her mates around her for the last time before she enters upon a new, joyous, and yet serious phase of her life is a very happy one, provided always that the occasion does not furnish the proverbial last straw of the camel’s load. the preparations for a modern church wedding are so many and so extensive that a bride may go to the altar utterly worn out and looking not her best, but her worst. her mother should certainly guard a daughter very carefully against over-fatigue; but in many cases she obviously does not. to the bridegroom the parade and show are usually extremely distasteful, and he only submits to them because he cannot help himself. he goes through the trying ordeal in the spirit of the good knights of old, that he may win his “dear ladye” for his own. we cannot, therefore, advise our bride to give a bridesmaids’ luncheon if she is already wearied by many tasks. in this case we should advise the substitution of an afternoon tea, to which she may, if she pleases, invite the groom, best man, and ushers. perhaps, however, she is so fortunate as to have relatives and friends who will take the brunt of the fatigue, or, if she is rich, clever and experienced women can be hired to assist her.

if she decides to give a luncheon, she should select a day near enough that of the wedding to give a certain thrill to the occasion, and yet not so near as to make these great events seem to crowd one upon the other. should the bridesmaids live at a distance, and come to the home-town of their friend on purpose to attend the wedding, it may be necessary to have the lunch take place only two or three days in advance. a week is a better interval, however. should there be some young friend who is unable to serve as a bridesmaid—on account of family mourning, lameness, or some similar drawback—the bride may like to include her in the invitations. the bridesmaids do not appear in any special costume, but wear the same sort of dress as at any lunch, retaining their hats unless the bride asks them to remove them. the latter wears a pretty house dress suitable for the afternoon. the luncheon may be a handsome affair or simple and inexpensive, as the young hostess finds convenient. she or a friend may like to paint the place-cards, which should have devices appropriate to the occasion. true-lovers’ knots, cupids, hearts and darts are always in order. pink is a favorite color for the decorations, green and white also having a pretty effect.

the traditional ring, coin, and thimble are often placed in the cake, each girl carefully scrutinizing her piece to see what her future lot is to be. the gifts to the bridesmaids are usually awarded at this luncheon, and should be all alike. some small article of jewelry to be worn at the wedding is usually chosen. l’art nouveau suggests many pretty things that are not necessarily expensive, the theory being that jewelry should please by color and design rather than by costliness. brooches, pendants, bracelets, hat-pins, or fans are among the suitable gifts. they may be set one at each place as souvenirs.

since the bridesmaids’ luncheon is intended to be a gay and merry rather than a somber and melancholy affair, it is well to ask one or two of the guests to arrange some amusing feature for the day. thus, if the bride has many admirers, a dance of the rejected suitors would be appropriate. these could be represented by two of the company. they should be furnished with large bandana handkerchiefs on which to weep copiously. after treading a slow and melancholy measure, each should break a stick over his knee in accordance with the old tradition.

a dinner is sometimes given instead of a luncheon, and to this the groom, best man, and ushers are occasionally asked. a novel way to give a bridesmaids’ luncheon would be to ask each girl to prepare beforehand one article of the bill of fare. the bride also should contribute something of her own manufacture to the menu. a judge, duly appareled in wig and gown, should be appointed to award the prize to the maker of the most toothsome article, or a feminine jury of three might be impaneled. the prize-winner should have a blue ribbon declaring her to be the most promising candidate for matrimony. at the bride’s place should be a small souvenir album with white cover, containing the receipts used for the different articles of the bill of fare, and mentioning the school or cooking-class where each girl had acquired her culinary skill. it would be quite in order to invent imaginary colleges and degrees, phrased in home-made latin, as, for instance, cookia superba prattii institutionis.

sometimes a bridesmaids’ lunch is followed by a rehearsal of the wedding procession at the church, the ushers and young girls returning to the bride’s home for afternoon tea. it is pleasant to have the members of the wedding-party meet beforehand in order to make one another’s acquaintance. thus a dinner or a theater party for the bridesmaids and ushers is sometimes given two or three days before the marriage takes place.

should the bridegroom give a bachelor dinner to his ushers and best man? this is a question which each young man must decide for himself, always taking into consideration the tastes and tendencies of those who would compose the party. it should be frankly said that at certain occasions of this sort in the past, too much wine has been consumed with sad results. therefore if the groom himself or any of his intimate friends finds temperance difficult, it certainly is unwise to arrange a bachelor dinner and thus fly in the face of providence, as old-fashioned people would say.

if the dinner is to take place, it should be within a fortnight or a week before the wedding. it is well to have an interval of several days elapse between the two events. the guests invited are the best man, ushers, and sometimes other intimate friends of the groom and the brothers of the bride. black-cloth dinner-jacket, with trousers and low-cut waistcoat to match, dress-shirt, and black tie compose the proper costume. the dinner is given at the groom’s club or home or in a private dining-room at some good restaurant. the groom being the host, he sits at the head of the table; the best man may be opposite to him or at his right hand. in the latter case the head usher or the bride’s brother may take the foot.

the provision of wine should be a judicious one. when the dinner is quite advanced the best man proposes the bride’s health. all arise and drink this toast standing. according to the old custom, each man snaps the stem of his wine-glass between his fingers, then throws it away. the souvenirs presented by the groom to his best man and ushers are laid at each place. these are usually scarf-pins, although cuff-links are sometimes given. beside each plate may also be a box done up with white ribbon, containing the gloves and tie to be worn at the wedding. the best man usually orders these, taking care to select gloves of the right size, but the bridegroom pays the bill. a convenient method is to give a list of the ushers with their addresses to a haberdasher of established reputation. he then sends an engraved or printed card to each man, saying that mr. so-and-so has ordered gloves and tie for him and asking the size of his hand. should other guests besides the best man and ushers be at the dinner, it would be better not to present the souvenirs, ties, etc., but to send them to each person’s residence or club.

wedding anniversaries

the wedding anniversaries usually celebrated are the fifth, wooden; the tenth, tin; the twenty-fifth, silver; and the fiftieth, golden. few couples live to observe the latter, and still fewer the seventy-fifth, the diamond wedding. the fifth and tenth anniversaries are occasions of fun and frolic. the invitations may be given over the telephone or in any way preferred. for a wooden wedding a novel method would be to divide the thin end of a shingle into several portions about the size of a postal card, writing or painting the invitations on these. the easiest way is to use the joint visiting-card of host and hostess, writing on it:

will be at home

on thursday evening, october twelfth

adding in the corner “1910-1915.”

the guests invited are usually familiar friends. they tax their ingenuity to procure gifts of appropriate material that will amuse the company, or send articles that will be useful. wooden spoons of all sorts and sizes, mammoth pencils, knife-trays, watchmen’s rattles, boxes large and small, towel-racks, chairs, small tables—all are appropriate gifts. it is easy to purchase at a toy store wooden animals of absurd shapes, picture puzzles, jumping-jacks, etc. two of the guests might represent a couple from noah’s ark, mr. and mrs. shem or mr. and mrs. ham. they should be dressed in the traditional costume, and should move in a stiff and wooden way. another pair could appear as jointed dolls or other figures. the decorations could consist of shavings or of pussy-willow or other boughs.

for the tenth anniversary the tinware shop furnishes ample material for gifts. it is usually possible to get a tinsmith to make, for a small charge, articles of some special shape. the bride may be adorned with a tin tiara and other ornaments, the groom wearing a large tin flower in his buttonhole. a suit of armor of the same material, accompanied by spear and shield, might be presented to him with due ceremony. one guest should be the spokesman for the company and explain that, owing to the dangers of the public roads, it was thought well to bestow upon their friend some means of defense against the ubiquitous automobile, the spear being intended to lift arrogant chauffeurs from the perch of vantage.

to a silver-wedding celebration a few intimate friends of the family may be asked, or the affair may take the form of a reception. the invitations may be engraved in silver letters and may read:

1889 1914

mr. and mrs. john thompson

request the pleasure of

. . . . . . . . company

on thursday, november the eighth,

at half-past eight o’clock

or the “at home” form may be used. it is best not to say “silver-wedding,” as this might be thought an intimation that gifts would be acceptable. indeed, some people are so anxious to avoid any appearance of soliciting presents that they give no intimation on the card of the nature of the occasion. others add, “it is kindly requested that no gifts be sent.” near relations and intimate friends usually feel privileged to send some suitable remembrance of the day, an article of silver for the writing-table or toilette-table perhaps, or any piece of silverware that they think will be acceptable. it is always proper to send flowers. if the reception is in the evening, the silver-wedding bride wears evening dress of any color that is becoming to her. gray, lavender, or purple is appropriate. while white alone is not permissible, black-and-white may be worn; the bridal veil—if it be of lace—may be draped over the skirt or worn as a scarf. the gown may be partially cut down at the neck or full décolleté, the material being silk, brocade, velvet, or other stuff as preferred. the groom wears regulation evening dress with white or light kid gloves (see chapter vi).

he and the bride stand together to receive the guests until all have arrived, when they move about the room talking with their friends. the tone of the occasion must not be too stiff and formal, but cordial yet dignified. according to some authorities, the decorations should be white, green, and silver. there may be few flowers or an abundance of them. if they are all white the result will be rather trying to matronly faces, and the effect a little incongruous. in celebrating an anniversary it is not wise to try to reproduce exactly the original occasion. this would tend to mark in a painful way the passage of time. just as the bride of twenty-five years wears a matronly costume rather than a girlish dress that would bring into evidence the wrinkles and crow’s-feet, so the decorations and ceremonies of the silver-wedding must reflect the flight of the quarter of a century. the flowers of midsummer are more appropriate than those associated especially with early spring. purple and white lilacs produce an excellent effect, as do roses not too pale in color, or orchids. something will, of course, depend upon the season of the year.

it adds interest to the occasion if the clergyman who performed the marriage ceremony, the ushers, and bridesmaids can be present. the latter may stand near the host and hostess and assist them in receiving the company. the name “silver wedding” is something of a misnomer, because the celebration is concerned only with the events following the marriage. thus, while the anniversary may reproduce in some degree the original reception or breakfast, to attempt to repeat any part of the ceremony would be in the worst possible taste, to say the least.

the collation is like that of any evening reception. there is usually a handsome wedding-cake, on which the date of the wedding and of the twenty-fifth anniversary, together with the initials of husband and wife, are inscribed. silver leaves may form a part of its decoration. the bride cuts the first slice, as she did twenty-five years before. it adds to the fun of the occasion if the cake contains a ring. where wine is served, it is usually champagne. the best man or some near friend or relative may give as a toast the health of the hero and heroine of the day, to which the husband should reply in a brief speech. there may be other toasts and speeches. according to modern fashion, these may be made without the accompaniment of wine. the sons and daughters of the house should act as assistant hosts and hostesses, moving about among the guests and extending a cordial welcome to all.

the arrangements for a golden-wedding fall naturally into the hands of a daughter or a son. those of the younger generation must be careful not to behave as if they thought their parents too old and too infirm to attend to the matter personally. it requires great tact to assist those who are declining into the vale of years in such a way as not to depress or sadden them or hurt their feelings. the daughter should take pains to show that she is not trying to supersede her parents, but simply to act as their lieutenant. she may well think out beforehand her general line of action, and then lay it before her mother, consulting the latter as the household general-in-chief. she may casually remind her mother that, since the bride is spared all possible care and anxiety by her family, the same attitude toward her should be taken at the celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of the marriage.

there is often a reunion of the married couple and their descendants at a large family dinner. if it is desired to include the whole circle of friends in the celebration, this usually takes place in the daytime, since an evening affair might be too fatiguing for the elderly pair. sometimes, however, a reception is held in the evening after the family dinner. a good deal must depend on the state of health of the bride and groom. sons and daughters should remember that to greet and shake hands with many people is in itself fatiguing, especially to those who are no longer young. an afternoon reception is an appropriate way to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of a marriage. the invitations will be much like those of the silver-wedding, except that the lettering should be of gold, or black if preferred. they are usually engraved on a rather large white card. if an answer is desired, in one corner may be the statement, “please send reply to mrs. ——,” with the address of the daughter.

it is very easy to find suitable decorations, since almost any golden flower that is in season may be pressed into service. in the fall of the year nothing is more beautiful than goldenrod; autumn leaves also may be used. black-eyed susans have a very decorative effect, the yellow abutilon reminds the beholder of wedding-bells, and marshal niel roses are always lovely. gifts of flowers may be tied with golden ribbon.

at a fiftieth marriage anniversary which the writer recently attended, a small reception-room leading from the drawing-room was almost filled with presents of golden hue, although many were not made wholly of the precious metal itself. pictures in gilded frames, canary birds in cages of the prevailing color of the day, were cheerful gifts of moderate expense. a beautiful loving-cup of silver heavily gilded held the center of the table, and within was a purse of gold pieces—a number of friends combining to make this present. there were many other pieces of silver-gilt, and some of solid gold. the bride received a beautiful watch and chain, among other things; the groom a pencil and card-case of the precious metal.

husband and wife receive together at a golden-wedding. sons and daughters welcome the guests, but do not necessarily stand beside their parents. they should have a watchful eye upon the latter, however, to see that they do not become fatigued. one advantage of the afternoon reception for a golden-wedding is the well-known tendency of the guests to concentrate in the dining-room, thus giving the host and hostess an opportunity to sit down and rest if they are tired. they remain in the drawing-room, any refreshments they may desire being brought to them. these will be the same as at any afternoon tea or reception. some solid dishes such as salads and oysters may be served, and there may be a wedding-cake.

the golden-wedding bride may wear any color she pleases except black. the ugly fashion of dressing elderly women in hard black is fortunately on the wane, since it is extremely unbecoming to them. delicate tints of lavender and gray, trimmed with soft ruffles or lace, are appropriate for the bride of fifty years. the groom wears formal afternoon dress, black frock or cutaway coat, with high waistcoat to match, dark trousers, and lavender scarf. if the bride carries a bouquet, it should, in our opinion, be of violets, orchids, or golden flowers rather than white ones, although some authorities favor the latter.

the fifteenth, crystal, and the twentieth, china, weddings are occasionally observed. friends may celebrate them informally by a surprise party, at which gifts of porcelain or glassware are presented to a couple whose china closets need replenishing.