"i want something to do."this remark being addressed to the world in general, no one in particular feltit their duty to reply; so i repeated it to the smaller world about me, receivedthe following suggestions, and settled the matter by answering my own inquiry,as people are apt to do when very much in earnest.
"write a book," quoth the author of my being.
"don't know enough, sir. first live, then write.""try teaching again," suggested my mother.
"no thank you, ma'am, ten years of that is enough.""take a husband like my darby, and fulfill your mission," said sister joan, homeon a visit.
"can't afford expensive luxuries, mrs. coobiddy.""turn actress, and immortalize your name," said sister vashti, striking anattitude.
"i won't.""go nurse the soldiers," said my young brother, tom, panting for "the tentedfield.""i will!" [page 10]
so far, very good. here was the will璶ow for the way. at first sight not a footof it appeared, but that didn't matter, for the periwinkles are a hopeful race;their crest is an anchor, with three cock-a-doodles crowing atop. they all wearrose-colored spectacles, and are lineal descendants of the inventor of aerialarchitecture. an hour's conversation on the subject set the whole family in ablaze of enthusiasm. a model hospital was erected, and each member had acceptedan honorable post therein. the paternal p. was chaplain, the maternal p wasmatron, and all the youthful p.s filled the pod of futurity with achievementswhose brilliancy eclipsed the glories of the present and the past. arriving atthis satisfactory conclusion, the meeting adjourned, and the fact that misstribulation was available as army nurse went abroad on the wings of the wind.
in a few days a townswoman heard of my desire, approved of it, and brought aboutan interview with one of the sisterhood which i wished to join, who was at homeon a furlough, and able and willing to satisfy all inquiries. a morning chatwith miss general s.瓀e hear no end of mrs. generals, why not a miss?璸roducedthree results: i felt that i could do the work, was offered a place, andaccepted it, promising not to desert, but stand ready to march on washington atan hour's notice.
a few days were necessary for the letter containing my request andrecommendation to reach headquarters, and another, containing my commission, toreturn; therefore no time was to be lost; and heartily thanking my pair offriends, i tore home through the december slush as if the rebels were after me,and like many another recruit, burst in upon my family with the announcement?
"i've enlisted!" [page 11]
an impressive silence followed. tom, the irrepressible, broke it with a slap onthe shoulder and the graceful compliment?
"old trib, you're a trump!""thank you; then i'll take something:" which i did, in the shape of dinner,reeling off my news at the rate of three dozen words to a mouthful; and as everyone else talked equally fast, and all together, the scene was most inspiring.
as boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if theyalready had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possibleoccasions, so i turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, salutedall new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon. having reviewedevery rag i possessed, i detailed some for picket duty while airing over thefence; some to the sanitary influences of the wash-tub; others to mount guard inthe trunk; while the weak and wounded went to the work-basket hospital, to bemade ready for active service again. to this squad i devoted myself for a week;but all was done, and i had time to get powerfully impatient before the lettercame. it did arrive however, and brought a disappointment along with its goodwill and friendliness, for it told me that the place in the armory hospital thati supposed i was to take, was already filled, and a much less desirable one athurly-burly house was offered instead.
"that's just your luck, trib. i'll tote your trunk up garret for you again; forof course you won't go," tom remarked, with the disdainful pity which small boysaffect when they get into their teens. i was wavering in my secret soul, butthat settled the matter, and i crushed him on the spot with martial brevity?
"it is now one; i shall march at six." [page 12]
i have a confused recollection of spending the afternoon in pervading the houselike an executive whirlwind, with my family swarming after me, all working,talking, prophesying and lamenting, while i packed my "go-abroady" possessions,tumbled the rest into two big boxes, danced on the lids till they shut, and gavethem in charge, with the direction,?
"if i never come back, make a bonfire of them."then i choked down a cup of tea, generously salted instead of sugared, by someagitated relative, shouldered my knapsack璱t was only a traveling bag, but dolet me preserve the unities環ugged my family three times all round without avestige of unmanly emotion, till a certain dear old lady broke down upon myneck, with a despairing sort of wail?
"oh, my dear, my dear, how can i let you go?""i'll stay if you say so, mother.""but i don't; go, and the lord will take care of you."much of the roman matron's courage had gone into the yankee matron'scomposition, and, in spite of her tears, she would have sent ten sons to thewar, had she possessed them, as freely as she sent one daughter, smiling andflapping on the door-step till i vanished, though the eyes that followed me werevery dim, and the handkerchief she waved was very wet.
my transit from the gables to the village depot was a funny mixture of goodwishes and good byes, mud-puddles and shopping. a december twilight is not themost cheering time to enter upon a somewhat perilous enterprise, and, but forthe presence of vashti and neighbor thorn, i fear that i might have added a dropof the briny to the native moisture of?
"the town i left behind me;"though i'd no thought of giving out: oh, bless you, no! when the enginescreeched "here we are," i clutched my [page 13] escort in a fervent embrace,and skipped into the car with as blithe a farewell as if going on a bridaltour璽hough i believe brides don't usually wear cavernous black bonnets andfuzzy brown coats, with a hair-brush, a pair of rubbers, two books, and a bag ofginger-bread distorting the pockets of the same. if i thought that any one wouldbelieve it, i'd boldly state that i slept from c. to b., which would simplifymatters immensely; but as i know they wouldn't, i'll confess that the head underthe funereal coal-hod fermented with all manner of high thoughts and heroicpurposes "to do or die,"璸erhaps both; and the heart under the fuzzy brown coatfelt very tender with the memory of the dear old lady, probably sobbing over herarmy socks and the loss of her topsy-turvy trib. at this juncture i took theveil, and what i did behind it is nobody's business; but i maintain that thesoldier who cries when his mother says "good bye," is the boy to fight best, anddie bravest, when the time comes, or go back to her better than he went.
till nine o'clock i trotted about the city streets, doing those last errandswhich no woman would even go to heaven without attempting, if she could. then iwent to my usual refuge, and, fully intending to keep awake, as a sort of vigilappropriate to the occasion, fell fast asleep and dreamed propitious dreams tillmy rosy-faced cousin waked me with a kiss.
a bright day smiled upon my enterprise, and at ten i reported myself to mygeneral, received last instructions and no end of the sympathetic encouragementwhich women give, in look, touch, and tone more effectually than in words. thenext step was to get a free pass to washington, for i'd no desire to waste mysubstance on railroad companies when "the boys" needed even a spinster's mite. afriend of mine had procured such a pass, and i was bent on doing likewise, [page14] though i had to face the president of the railroad to accomplish it. i'm abashful individual, though i can't get any one to believe it; so it cost me agreat effort to poke about the worcester depot till the right door appeared,then walk into a room containing several gentlemen, and blunder out my requestin a high state of stammer and blush. nothing could have been more courteousthan this dreaded president, but it was evident that i had made as absurd ademand as if i had asked for the nose off his respectable face. he referred meto the governor at the state house, and i backed out, leaving him no doubt toregret that such mild maniacs were left at large. here was a scylla andcharybdis business: as if a president wasn't trying enough, without the governorof massachusetts and the hub of the hub piled on top of that. "i never can doit," thought i. "tom will hoot at you if you don't," whispered the inconvenientlittle voice that is always goading people to the performance of disagreeableduties, and always appeals to the most effective agent to produce the properresult. the idea of allowing any boy that ever wore a felt basin and a shoddyjacket with a microscopic tail, to crow over me, was preposterous, so givingmyself a mental slap for such faint-heartedness, i streamed away across thecommon, wondering if i ought to say "your honor, or simply "sir," and decidedupon the latter, fortifying myself with recollections of an evening in acharming green library, where i beheld the governor placidly consuming oysters,and laughing as if massachusetts was a myth, and he had no heavier burden on hisshoulders than his host's handsome hands.
like an energetic fly in a very large cobweb, i struggled through the statehouse, getting into all the wrong rooms and none of the right, till i turneddesperate, and went into one, resolving not to come out till i'd made somebodyhear and [page 15] answer me. i suspect that of all the wrong places i hadblundered into, this was the most so. but i didn't care; and, though theapartment was full of soldiers, surgeons, starers, and spittoons, i cornered aperfectly incapable person, and proceeded to pump for information with thefollowing result:
"was the governor anywhere about?"no, he wasn't.
"could he tell me where to look?"no, he couldn't.
"did he know anything about free passes?"no, he didn't.
"was there any one there of whom i could inquire?"not a person.
"did he know of any place where information could be obtained?"not a place.
"could he throw the smallest gleam of light upon the matter, in any way?"not a ray.
i am naturally irascible, and if i could have shaken this negative gentlemanvigorously, the relief would have been immense. the prejudices of societyforbidding this mode of redress, i merely glowered at him; and, before my wrathfound vent in words, my general appeared, having seen me from an oppositewindow, and come to know what i was about. at her command the languid gentlemanwoke up, and troubled himself to remember that major or sergeant or something mck. knew all about the tickets, and his office was in milk street. i perked upinstanter, and then, as if the exertion was too much for him, what did thisanimated wet blanket do but add?[page 16]
"i think mc k. may have left milk street, now, and i don't know where he hasgone.""never mind; the new comers will know where he has moved to, my dear, so don'tbe discouraged; and if you don't succeed, come to me, and we will see what to donext," said my general.
i blessed her in a fervent manner and a cool hall, fluttered round the corner,and bore down upon milk street, bent on discovering mc k. if such a being was tobe found. he wasn't, and the ignorance of the neighborhood was really pitiable.
nobody knew anything, and after tumbling over bundles of leather, bumpingagainst big boxes, being nearly annihilated by descending bales, and sworn at byaggravated truckmen, i finally elicited the advice to look for mc k. inhaymarket square. who my informant was i've really forgotten; for, having hailedseveral busy gentlemen, some one of them fabricated this delusive quietus forthe perturbed spirit, who instantly departed to the sequestered locality henamed. if i had been in search of the koh-i-noor diamond i should have been aslikely to find it there as any vestige of mc k. i stared at signs, inquired inshops, invaded an eating house, visited the recruiting tent in the middle of thesquare, made myself a nuisance generally, and accumulated mud enough to retardanother nile. all in vain: and i mournfully turned my face toward the general's,feeling that i should be forced to enrich the railroad company after all; when,suddenly, i beheld that admirable young man, brother-in-law darby coobiddy, esq.
i arrested him with a burst of news, and wants, and woes, which caused his manlycountenance to lose its usual repose.
"oh, my dear boy, i'm going to washington at five, and i can't find the freeticket man, and there won't be time to see [page 17] joan, and i'm so tired andcross i don't know what to do; and will you help me, like a cherub as you are?""oh, yes, of course. i know a fellow who will set us right," responded darby,mildly excited, and darting into some kind of an office, held counsel with aninvisible angel, who sent him out radiant. "all serene. i've got him. i'll seeyou through the business, and then get joan from the dove cote in time to seeyou off."i'm a woman's rights woman, and if any man had offered help in the morning, ishould have condescendingly refused it, sure that i could do everything as well,if not better, myself. my strong-mindedness had rather abated since then, and iwas now quite ready to be a "timid trembler," if necessary. dear me! how easilydarby did it all: he just asked one question, received an answer, tucked meunder his arm, and in ten minutes i stood in the presence of mc k., the desired.
"now my troubles are over," thought i, and as usual was direfully mistaken.
"you will have to get a pass from dr. h., in temple place, before i can give youa pass, madam," answered mc k., as blandly as if he wasn't carrying desolationto my soul. oh, indeed! why didn't he send me to dorchester heights, indiawharf, or bunker hill monument, and done with it? here i was, after a morning'stramp, down in some place about dock square, and was told to step to templeplace. nor was that all; he might as well have asked me to catch a hummingbird,toast a salamander, or call on the man in the moon, as find a doctor at home atthe busiest hour of the day. it was a blow; but weariness had extinguishedenthusiasm, and resignation clothed me as a garment. i sent darby for joan, anddoggedly paddled off, feeling that mud was my native ele- [page 18] ment, andquite sure that the evening papers would announce the appearance of thewandering jew, in feminine habiliments.
"is dr. h. in?""no, mum, he aint."of course he wasn't; i knew that before i asked: and, considering it all in thelight of a hollow mockery, added:
"when will he probably return?"if the damsel had said, "ten to-night," i should have felt a grim satisfaction,in the fulfillment of my own dark prophecy; but she said, "at two, mum;" and ifelt it a personal insult.
"i'll call, then. tell him my business is important:" with which mysteriouslydelivered message i departed, hoping that i left her consumed with curiosity;for mud rendered me an object of interest.
by way of resting myself, i crossed the common, for the third time, bespoke thecarriage, got some lunch, packed my purchases, smoothed my plumage, and was backagain, as the clock struck two. the doctor hadn't come yet; and i was morallycertain that he would not, till, having waited till the last minute, i wasdriven to buy a ticket, and, five minutes after the irrevocable deed was done,he would be at my service, with all manner of helpful documents and directions.
everything goes by contraries with me; so, having made up my mind to bedisappointed, of course i wasn't; for, presently, in walked dr. h., and nosooner had he heard my errand, and glanced at my credentials, than he said, withthe most engaging readiness:
"i will give you the order, with pleasure, madam."words cannot express how soothing and delightful it was to find, at last,somebody who could do what i wanted, without sending me from dan to beersheba,for a dozen other bodies [page 19] to do something else first. peace descended,like oil, upon the ruffled waters of my being, as i sat listening to the busyscratch of his pen; and, when he turned about, giving me not only the order, buta paper of directions wherewith to smooth away all difficulties between bostonand washington, i felt as did poor christian when the evangelist gave him thescroll, on the safe side of the slough of despond. i've no doubt many dismalnurses have inflicted themselves upon the worthy gentleman since then; but i amsure none have been more kindly helped, or are more grateful, than t. p.; forthat short interview added another to the many pleasant associations thatalready surround his name.
feeling myself no longer a "martha struggles," but a comfortable young woman,with plain sailing before her, and the worst of the voyage well over, i oncemore presented myself to the valuable mc k. the order was read, and certainprinted papers, necessary to be filled out, were given a young gentleman璶o, iprefer to say boy, with a scornful emphasis upon the word, as the only means ofrevenge now left me. this boy, instead of doing his duty with the diligence socharming in the young, loitered and lounged, in a manner which proved hiseducation to have been sadly neglected in the?
"how doth the little busy bee,"direction. he stared at me, gaped out of the window, ate peanuts, and gossipedwith his neighbors瑽oys, like himself, and all penned in a row, like colts at acattle show. i don't imagine he knew the anguish he was inflicting; for it wasnearly three, the train left at five, and i had my ticket to get, my dinner toeat, my blessed sister to see, and the depot to reach, if i didn't die ofapoplexy. meanwhile, patience certainly had her perfect work that day, and ihope she en- [page 20] joyed the job more than i did. having waited some twentyminutes, it pleased this reprehensible boy to make various marks and blots on mydocuments, toss them to a venerable creature of sixteen, who delivered them tome with such paternal directions, that it only needed a pat on the head and anencouraging?now run home to your ma, little girl, and mind the crossings, mydear," to make the illusion quite perfect.
why i was sent to a steamboat office for car tickets, is not for me to say,though i went as meekly as i should have gone to the probate court, if sent. afat, easy gentleman gave me several bits of paper, with coupons attached, with awarning not to separate them, which instantly inspired me with a yearning topluck them apart, and see what came of it. but, remembering through what fearand tribulation i had obtained them, i curbed satan's promptings, and, clutchingmy prize, as if it were my pass to the elysian fields, i hurried home. dinnerwas rapidly consumed; joan enlightened, comforted, and kissed; the dearest ofapple-faced cousins hugged; the kindest of apple-faced cousins' fatherssubjected to the same process; and i mounted the ambulance, baggage-wagon, oranything you please but hack, and drove away, too tired to feel excited, sorry,or glad.