man in shower

hot water

gently, while the drenching dribble

courses down my sweltered form,

i am basking like a sybil,

lazy, languorous and warm.

i am unambitious, flaccid,

well content to drowse and dream:

how i hate life's bitter acid—

leave me here to stew and steam.

underneath this jet so torrid

i forget the world's sad wrath:

o activity is horrid!

leave me in my shower-bath!

cold water

but when i turn the crank

o zeus!

a silver ecstasy thrills me!

i caper and slap my chilled thighs,

i plan to make a card index of all my ideas

and feel like an efficiency expert.

i tweak fate by the nose

and know i could succeed in anything.

i throw up my head

and glut myself with icy splatter...

to-day i will really

begin my career!

on dedicating a new teapot

boiling water now is poured,

pouches filled with fresh tobacco,

round the hospitable board

fragrant steams ceylon or pekoe.

bread and butter is cut thin,

cream and sugar, yes, bring them on;

ginger cookies in their tin,

and the dainty slice of lemon.

let the marmalade be brought,

buns of cinnamon adhesive;

and, to catch the leaves, you ought

to be sure to have the tea-sieve.

but, before the cups be filled—

cups that cause no ebriation—

let a genial wish be willed

just by way of dedication.

here's your fortune, gentle pot:

to our thirst you offer slakeage;

bright blue china, may i not

hope no maid will cause you breakage.

kindest ministrant to man,

long be jocund years before you,

and no meaner fortune than

helen's gracious hand to pour you!

the unforgivable syntax

a certain young man never knew

just when to say whom and when who;

"the question of choosing,"

he said, "is confusing;

i wonder if which wouldn't do?"

nothing is so illegitimate

as a noun when his verbs do not fit him; it

makes him disturbed

if not properly verbed—

if he asks for the plural, why git him it!

lie and lay offer slips to the pen

that have bothered most excellent men:

you can say that you lay

in bed—yesterday;

if you do it to-day, you're a hen!

a person we met at a play

was cruel to pronouns all day:

she would frequently cry

"between you and i,

if only us girls had our way—!"