at that moment, my head broke the surface.
how disorienting. i'd been sure i was sinking.
the current wouldn't let up. it was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of myback sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs. it gushed out in amazing volume, absolutetorrents pouring from my mouth and nose. the salt burned and my lungs burned and my throat was toofull of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back. somehow i stayed in one place,though the waves still heaved around me. i couldn't see anything but water everywhere, reaching for myface.
"breathe!" a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and i felt a cruel stab of pain wher i recognized thevoice—because it wasn't edward's.
i could not obey. the waterfall pouring from my mouth didn't stop long enough for me to catch a breath.
the black, icy water filled my chest, burning.
the rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of waterchoked its way out of my lungs.
"breathe, bella! c'mon!" jacob begged.
black spots bloomed across my vision, getting wider and wider, blocking out the light.
the rock struck me again.
the rock wasn't cold like the water; it was hot on my skin. i realized it was jacob's hand, trying to beatthe water from my lungs. the iron bar that had dragged me from the sea was also… warm… my headwhirled, the black spots covered everything…was i dying again, then? i didn't like it—this wasn't as good as the last time. it was only dark now,nothing worth looking at here. the sound of the crashing waves faded into the black and became a quiet,even whoosh that sounded like it was coming from the inside of my ears…"bella?" jacob asked, his voice still tense, but not as wild as before. "bells, honey, can you hear me?"the contents of my head swished and rolled sickeningly, like they'd joined the rough water…"how long has she been unconscious?" someone else asked.
the voice that was not jacob's shocked me, jarred me into a more focused awareness.
i realized that i was still. there was no tug of the current on me—the heaving was inside my head. thesurface under me was flat and motionless. it felt grainy against my bare arms.
"i don't know," jacob reported, still frantic. his voice was very close. hands—so warm they had to behis—brushed wet hair from my cheeks. "a few minutes? it didn't take long to tow her to the beach." the quiet whooshing inside my ears was not the waves—it was the air moving in and out of my lungsagain. each breath burned—the passageways were as raw as if i'd scrubbed them out with steel wool.
but i was breathing.
and i was freezing. a thousand sharp, icy beads were striking my face and arms, making the cold worse.
"she's breathing. she'll come around. we should get her out of the cold, though. i don't like the colorshe's turning…" i recognized sam's voice this time.
"you think it's okay to move her?""she didn't hurt her back or anything when she fell?""i don't know."they hesitated.
i tried to open my eyes. it took me a minute, but then i could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging thefreezing rain down at me. "jake?" i croaked.
jacob's face blocked out the sky. "oh!" he gasped, relief washing over his features. his eyes were wetfrom the rain. "oh, bella! are you okay? can you hear me? do you hurt anywhere?""j-just m-my throat," i stuttered, my lips quivering from the cold.
"let's get you out of here, then," jacob said. he slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort—likepicking up an empty box. his chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain off ofme. my head lolled over his arm. i stared vacantly back toward the furious water, beating the sandbehindhim.
"you got her?" i heard sam ask.
"yeah, i'll take it from here. get back to the hospital. i'll join you later. thanks, sam."my head was still rolling. none of his words sunk in at first. sam didn't answer. there was no sound, andi wondered if he were already gone.
the water licked and writhed up the sand after us as jacob carried me away, like it was angry that i'descaped. as i stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes—a small flash of fire wasdancing on the black water, far out in the bay. the image made no sense, and i wondered how consciousi really was. my head swirled with the memory of the black, churning water—of being so lost that icouldn't find up or down. so lost… but somehow jacob…"how did you find me?" i rasped.
"i was searching for you," he told me. he was half-jogging through the rain, up the beach toward theroad. "i followed the tire tracks to your truck, and then i heard you scream…" he shuddered. "whywould you jump, bella? didn't you notice that it's turning into a hurricane out here? couldn't you havewaited for me?" anger filled his tone as the relief faded.
"sorry," i muttered. "it was stupid.""yeah, it was really stupid," he agreed, drops of rain shaking free of his hair as he nodded. "look, doyou mind saving the stupid stuff for when i'm around? i won't be able to concentrate if i think you'rejumping off cliffs behind my back." "sure," i agreed. "no problem." i sounded like a chain-smoker. i tried to clear my throat—and thenwinced; the throat-clearing felt like stabbing a knife down there. "what happened today? did you… findher?" it was my turn to shudder, though i wasn't so cold here, right next to his ridiculous body heat.
jacob shook his head. he was still more running than walking as he headed up the road to his house.
"no. she took off into the water—the bloodsuckers have the advantage there. that's why i racedhome—i was afraid she was going to double back swimming. you spend so much time on the beach…"he trailed off, a catch in his throat.
"sam came back with you… is everyone else home, too?" i hoped they weren't still out searching for her.
"yeah. sort of."i tried to read his expression, squinting into the hammering rain. his eyes were tight with worry or pain.
the words that hadn't made sense before suddenly did. "you said… hospital. before, to sam. issomeone hurt? did she fight you?" my voice jumped up an octave, sounding strange with the hoarseness.
"no, no. when we got back, em was waiting with the news. it's harry clearwater. harry had a heartattack this morning.""harry?" i shook my head, trying to absorb what he was staying. "oh, no! does charlie know?""yeah. he's over there, too, with my dad.""is harry going to be okay?"jacob's eyes tightened again. "it doesn't look so great right now."abruptly, i felt really sick with guilt—felt truly horrible about the brainless cliff dive. nobody needed tobe worrying about me right now. what a stupid time to be reckless.
"what can i do?" i asked.
at that moment the rain stopped. i hadn't realized we were already back to jacob's house until hewalked through the door. the storm pounded against the roof.
"you can stay here," jacob said as he dumped me on the short couch. "i mean it—right here i'll get yousome dry clothes."i let my eyes adjust to the dark room while jacob banged around in his bedroom. the cramped frontroom seemed so empty without billy, almost desolate. it was strangely ominous—probably just becausei knew where he was.
jacob was back in seconds. he threw a pile of gray cotton at me. "these will be huge on you, but it's thebest i've got. i'll, er, step outside so you can change.""don't go anywhere. i'm too tired to move yet. just stay with me."jacob sat on the floor next to me, his back against the couch. i wondered when he'd slept last. helooked as exhausted as i felt.
he leaned his head on the cushion next to mine and yawned. "guess i could rest for a minute…"his eyes closed. i let mine slide shut, too.
poor harry. poor sue. i knew charlie was going to be beside himself. harry was one of his best friends.
despite jake's negative take on things, i hoped fervently that harry would pull through. for charlie'ssake. for sue's and leah's and seth's…billy's sofa was right next to the radiator, and i was warm now, despite my soaked clothes. my lungsached in a way that pushed me toward unconsciousness rather than keeping me awake. i wonderedvaguely if it was wrong to sleep… or was i getting drowning mixed up with concussions… ? jacobbegan softly snoring, and the sound of it soothed like a lullaby. i fell asleep quickly.
for the first time in a very long time, my dream was just a normal dream. just a blurred wanderingthrough old memories—blinding bright visions of the phoenix sun, my mother's face, a ramshackle treehouse, a faded quilt, a wall of mirrors, a flame on the black water… i forgot each of them as soon as thepicture changed.
the last picture was the only one that stuck in my head. it was meaningless—just a set on a stage. abalcony at night, a painted moon hanging in the sky. i watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railingand talk to herself.
meaningless… but when i slowly struggled back to consciousness, juliet was on my mind.
jacob was still asleep; he'd slumped down to the floor and his breathing was deep and even. the housewas darker now than before, it was black outside the window. i was stiff, but warm and almost dry. theinside of my throat burned with every breath i took.
i was going to have to get up—at least to get a drink. but my body just wanted tc he here limp, to nevermove again.
instead of moving, i thought about juliet some more.
i wondered what she would have done if romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but becausehe lost interests what if rosalind had given him the time of day, and he'd changed his mind? what if,instead of marrying juliet, he'd just disappeared?
i thought i knew how juliet would feel.
she wouldn't go back to her old life, not really. she wouldn't ever have moved on, i was sure of that.
even if she'd lived until she was old and gray, every time she closed her eyes, it would have beenromeo's face she saw behind her lids. she would have accepted that, eventually.
i wondered if she would have married paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. no,probably not, i decided. but then, the story didn't say much about paris. he was just a stick figure—aplaceholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.
what if there were more to paris?
what if paris had been juliet's friend? her very best friend? what if he was the only one she couldconfide in about the whole devastating thing with romeo? the one person who really understood her andmade her feel halfway human again? what if he was patient and kind? what if he took care of her? whatif juliet knew she couldn't survive without him? what if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?
and… what if she loved paris? not like romeo. nothing like that, of course. but enough that shewanted him to be happy, too?
jacob's slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room—like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…itwas the sound of comfort.
if romeo was really gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not juliet had takenparis up on his offer? maybe she should have tried to settle into the leftover scraps of life that were leftbehind. maybe that would have been as close to happiness as she could get.
i sighed, and then groaned when the sigh scraped my throat. i was reading too much into the story.
romeo wouldn't change his mind. that's why people still remembered his name, always twined with hers:
romeo and juliet. that's why it was a good story. "juliet gets dumped and ends up with paris" wouldhave never been a hit.
i closed my eyes and drifted again, letting my mind wander away from the stupid play i didn't want tothink about anymore. i thought about reality instead—about jumping off the cliff and what a brainlessmistake that had been. and not just the cliff, but the motorcycles and the whole irresponsible evelknievel bit. what if something bad happened to me? what would that do to charlie? harry's heartattack had pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. perspective that i didn't want to see,because—if i admitted to the truth of it—it would mean that i would have to change my ways. could ilive like that?
maybe. it wouldn't be easy; in fact, it would be downright miserable to give up my hallucinations and tryto be a grown-up. but maybe i should do it. and maybe i could. if i had jacob.
i couldn't make that decision right now. it hurt too much. i'd think about something else.
images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while i tried to come up withsomething pleasant to think about… the feel of the air as i fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing ofthe current… edward's face… i lingered there for a long time. jacob's warm hands, trying to beat lifeback into me… the stinging rain flung down by the purple clouds… the strange fire on the waves…there was something familiar about that flash of color on top of the water. of course it couldn't really befire—my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car squelching through the mud on the road outside. iheard it stop in front of the house, and doors started opening and closing. i thought about sitting up, andthen decided against that idea.
billy's voice was easily identifiable, but he kept it uncharacteristically low, so that it was only a gravellygrumble.
the door opened, and the light flicked on. i blinked, momentarily blind. jake startled awake, gasping andjumping to his feet.
"sorry," billy grunted. "did we wake you?"my eyes slowly focused on his face, and then, as i could read his expression, they filled with tears.
"oh, no, billy!" i moaned.
he nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. jake hurried to his father and took one of his hands.
the pain made his face suddenly childlike—it looked odd on top of the man's body.
sam was right behind billy, pushing his chair through the door. his normal composure was absent fromhis agonized face.
"i'm so sorry," i whispered.
billy nodded. "it's gonna be hard all around.""where's charlie?""your dad is still at the hospital with sue. there are a lot of… arrangements to be made."i swallowed hard.
"i'd better get back there," sam mumbled, and he ducked hastily out the door.
billy pulled his hand away from jacob, and then he rolled himself through the kitchen toward his room.
jake stared after him for a minute, then came to sit on the floor beside me again. he put his face in hishands. i rubbed his shoulder, wishing i could think of anything to say.
after a long moment, jacob caught my hand and held it to his face.
"how are you feeling? are you okay? i probably should have taken you to a doctor or something." hesighed.
"don't worry about me," i croaked.
he twisted his head to look at me. his eyes were rimmed in red. "you don't look so good.""i don't feel so good, either, i guess.""i'll go get your truck and then take you home—you probably ought to be there when charlie gets back.""right."i lay listlessly on the sofa while i waited for him. billy was silent in the other room. i felt like a peepingtorn, peering through the cracks at a private sorrow that wasn't mine.
it didn't take jake long. the roar of my truck's engine broke the silence before i expected it. he helpedme up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around my shoulder when the cold air outsidemade me shiver. he took the driver's seat without asking, and then pulled me next to his side to keep hisarm tight around me. i leaned my head against his chest.
"how will you get home?" i asked.
"i'm not going home. we still haven't caught the bloodsucker, remember?"my next shudder had nothing to do with cold.
it was a quiet ride after that. the cold air had woken me up. my mind was alert, and it was working veryhard and very fast.
what if? what was the right thing to do?
i couldn't imagine my life without jacob now—i cringed away from the idea of even trying to imaginethat. somehow, he'd become essential to my survival. but to leave things the way they were… was thatcruel, as mike had accused?
i remembered wishing that jacob were my brother. i realized now that all i really wanted was a claim on him. it didn't feel brotherly when he held me like this. it just felt nice—warm and comforting and familiar.
safe. jacob was a safe harbor.
i could stake a claim. i had that much within my power.
i'd have to tell him everything, i knew that. it was the only way to be fair. i'd have to explain it right, sothat he'd know i wasn't settling, that he was much too good for me. he already knew i was broken, thatpart wouldn't surprise him, but he'd need to know the extent of it. i'd even have to admit that i wascrazy—explain about the voices i heard. he'd need to know everything before he made a decision.
but, even as i recognized that necessity, i knew he would take me in spite of it all. he wouldn't evenpause to think it through.
i would have to commit to this—commit as much of me as there was left, every one of the brokenpieces. it was the only way to be fair to him. would i? could i?
would it be so wrong to try to make jacob happy? even if the love i felt for him was no more than aweak echo of what i was capable of, even if my heart was far away, wandering and grieving after myfickle romeo, would it be so very wrong?
jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. like somany other times, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.
he threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his cheat, binding me to him. again, this felt nice.
almost like being a whole person again.
i thought he would be thinking of harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. "sorry. iknow you don't feel exactly the way i do, bella. i swear i don't mind. i'm just so glad you're okay that icould sing—and that's something no one wants to hear." he laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
my breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.
wouldn't edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as possible under thecircumstances? wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? i thought hewould. he wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of love he didn't want to my friend jacob.
after all, it wasn't the same love at all.
jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
if i turned my face to the side—if i pressed my lips against his bare shoulder... i knew without any doubtwhat would follow. it would be very easy. there would be no need for explanations tonight.
but could i do it? could i betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
butterflies assaulted my stomach as i thought of turning my head.
and then, as clearly as if i were in immediate danger, edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.
"be happy," he told me.
i froze.
jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.
wait, i wanted to say. just a minute. but i was still locked in place, listening to the echo of edward's voice in my head.
storm-cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.
"oh!" the breath whooshed out of jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. "holy crap!"he slammed the door and twisted the keys in the ignition at the same moment. his hands were shakingso hard i didn't know how he managed it.
"what's wrong?"he revved the engine too fast; it sputtered and faltered.
"vampire," he spit out.
the blood rushed from my head and left me dizzy. "how do you know?""because i can smell it. dammit!"jacob's eyes were wild, raking the dark street. he barely seemed aware of the tremors that were rollingthrough his body. "phase or get her out of here?" he hissed at himself.
he looked down at me for a split second, taking in my horror-struck eyes and white face, and then hewas scanning the street again. "right. get you out."the engine caught with a roar. the tires squealed as he spun the truck around, turning toward our onlyescape. the headlights washed across the pavement, lit the front line of the black forest, and finallyglinted off a car parked across the street from my house.
"stop!" i gasped.
it was a black car—a car i knew. i might be the furthest thing from an autophile, but i could tell youeverything about that particular car. it was a mercedes s55 amg. i knew the horsepower and the colorof the interior. i knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. i knew the rich smell ofthe leather seats and the way the extra-dark tint made noon look like dusk through those windows.
it was carlisle's car.
"stop!" i cried again, louder this time, because jacob was gunning the truck down the street.
"what?!""it's not victoria. stop, stop! i want to go back."he stomped on the brake so hard i had to catch myself against the dashboard.
"what?" he asked again, aghast. he stared at me with horror in his eyes.
"it's carlisle's car! it's the cullens. i know it."he watched dawn break across my face, and a violent tremor rocked his frame.
"hey, calm down, jake. it's okay. no danger, see? relax.""yeah, calm," he panted, putting his head down and closing his eyes. while he concentrated on notexploding into a wolf, i stared out the back window at the black car.
it was just carlisle, i told myself. don't expect anything more. maybe esme… stop right there, i toldmyself. just carlisle. that was plenty. more than i'd ever hoped to have again.
"there's a vampire in your house," jacob hissed. "and you want to go back?"i glanced at him, ripping my unwilling eyes off the mercedes—terrified that it would disappear the secondi looked away.
"of course," i said, my voice blank with surprise at his question. of course i wanted to go back.
jacob's face hardened while i stared at him, congealing into the bitter mask that i'd thought was gone forgood. just before he had the mask in place, i caught the spasm of betrayal that flashed in his eyes. hishands were still shaking. he looked ten years older than me.
he took a deep breath. "you're sure it's not a trick?" he asked in a slow, heavy voice.
"it's not a trick. it's carlisle. take me back!"a shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. "no.""jake, it's okay—""no. take yourself back, bella." his voice was a slap—i flinched as the sound of it struck me. his jawclenched and unclenched.
"look, bella," he said in the same hard voice. "i can't go back. treaty or no treaty, that's my enemy inthere.""it's not like that—""i have to tell sam right away. this changes things. we can't be caught on their territory.""jake, it's not a war!"he didn't listen. he put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.
"bye, bella," he called back over his shoulder. "i really hope you don't die." he sprinted into thedarkness, shaking so hard that his shape seemed blurred; he disappeared before i could open my mouthto call him back.
remorse pinned me against the seat for one long second. what had i just done to jacob'?
but remorse couldn't hold me very long.
i slid across the seat and put the truck back in drive. my hands were shaking almost as hard as jake'shad been, and this took a minute of concentration. then i carefully turned the truck around and drove itback to my house.
it was very dark when i turned off the headlights. charlie had left in such a hurry that he'd forgotten toleave the porch lamp on. i felt a pang of doubt, staring at the house, deep in shadow. what if it was atrick?
i looked back at the black car, almost invisible in the night. no. i knew that car.
still, my hands were shaking even worse than before as i reached for the key above the door. when i grabbed the doorknob to unlock it, it twisted easily under my hand. i let the door fall open. the hallwaywas black.
i wanted to call out a greeting, but my throat was too dry. i couldn't quite seem to catch my breath.
i took a step inside and fumbled for the light switch. it was so black—like the black water… where wasthat switch?
just like the black water, with the orange flame flickering impossibly on top of it. flame that couldn't be afire, but what then… ? my fingers traced the wall, still searching, still shaking—suddenly, something jacob had told me this afternoon echoed in my head, finally sinking in… she tookoff into the water, he'd said. the bloodsuckers have the advantage there. that's why i raced home—i was afraid she was going to double back swimming.
my hand froze in its searching, my whole body froze into place, as i realized why i recognized thestrange orange color on the water.
victoria's hair, blowing wild in the wind, the color of fire…she'd been right there. right there in the harbor with me and jacob. if sam hadn't been there, if it hadbeen just the two of us… ? i couldn't breathe or move.
the light flicked on, though my frozen hand had still not found the switch.
i blinked into the sudden light, and saw that someone was there, waiting for me.
16 帕里斯
就在这个时候，我的头冒出了水面。
多么不可思议啊，我一直确信自己是在下沉。
海水一刻也不停歇，将我推向更多的岩石，一块块的岩石猛烈而有节奏地直撞我的后背，把我肺里的水击了出来。大量的海水如湍流般从我的嘴巴和鼻子里涌了出来。海盐刺激着我的嘴鼻，肺里火烧火燎，喉咙被水堵住简直不能换气，岩石还在不停地撞击我的后背。尽管周围波浪起伏，我却停留在原地。除了朝我拍打过来的海水，我什么也看不见。
“呼吸！”一个急切、焦虑的声音命令道。我认出了这个声音，心里感到一阵刺痛——因为这不是爱德华的声音.....
我没法照他说的做，从我嘴里源源不断流出的水根本不给我机会呼吸，胸腔里满是冰凉的海水。
岩石又一次猛撞我的后背，正好撞在两片肩胛骨之间，肺里的海水又涌出了许多。
“呼吸，贝拉！快！！”雅各布着急地说。
我的眼前出现了无数的黑点，它们越变越大，几乎挡住了所有的光亮。
岩石再次撞了我。
这岩石不像海水那么冰凉刺骨，它撞到我时，我感到它是热乎乎的。我这才意识到，是雅各布的手在帮我把肺里的水拍击出来。
那个拽我离开大海的铁棒也是.....热乎乎的....我一阵晕眩，黑点终于遮挡了一切.....
我是不是快要死了？我不喜欢这一回的感觉——比不上刚才那一回。眼前黑漆漆的一片，没有什么可以看，没有什么值得看。轰鸣的海浪声渐渐消失于黑暗之中，变成了宁静的、轻柔的流水声，这声音似乎是从我耳朵里发出来的.....
“贝拉？”雅各布叫道，他的声音还是那么焦虑，但没有先前那么急切，“贝尔！亲爱的，能听见我说话吗？”
我感到天旋地转，脑袋里就像注入了汹涌的海水一样翻腾着....
“她失去知觉多长时间了？”另一个人问道。
这个不属于雅各布的声音让我一惊，我的神志逐渐清醒。
我这才意识到自己是静止不动的，没有海水推动我——有波涛起伏的感觉是因为我头晕目眩。身下是平展的、静止的地面，我的胳膊能触到地面上的沙砾。
“我不知道。”雅各布着急地回答，他的声音如此之近，有一双手——这么温暖的手一定是他的——抚开了我脸颊上的湿发，“几分钟吧？把她拖上岸没花多长时间”
之前听见的宁静的流水声并不是海浪发出的声音——是我大口地呼气、吸气的声音。每一次呼吸都是煎熬——呼吸道像是被钢丝绒摩擦过一样皮破肉绽，接触到空气就是一阵揪心的刺痛，但至少我能呼吸了。
我浑身冰凉，刺骨的冰雨从天而降，击打着我的脸和手臂，真是雪上加霜。
“她在呼吸，她会醒过来的。我们不能让她待在这么冷的地方，她的脸色有些吓人.....”这一次我认出了山姆的声音。
“你觉得可以移动她吗？”
“她跳下来的时候有没有伤到背或者其他什么地方？”
“我不知道。”
他们犹豫了片刻。
我试图睁开眼睛，费了好大的劲总算成功。我看见暗紫色的云层向我投来无数冰冷的雨滴。“杰克？”我低哑地说。
雅各布的脸立即出现在我眼前。“噢！”他喘着粗气，如释重负，他的眼角挂着雨水，“哦，贝拉！！你还好吗？能听见我说话吗？有没有哪里受伤？”
“只有——我的——喉咙。”我结结巴巴地说道，嘴唇瑟瑟发抖。
“我们带你离开里?rdquo;雅各布说道。他把胳膊伸到我背下，轻轻地将我抱了起来——就像抬起一个空箱子。他赤着的胸膛十分温暖；他耸着肩，为我挡住雨水。我没精打采地将头倚靠在他的手臂上，茫然地盯着汹涌的海水，看着海水冲击他身后的沙滩。
“好了吗？”我听到山姆问道。
“好了，这里交给我吧。你回医院去，我过了一会儿到那里找你。谢谢，山姆。”
我的脑袋里还是一阵眩晕，完全不理解他在说些什么。山姆没有回答，周围一点声响也没有，我想他可能已经走了。
雅各布抱着我离开，海水卷起了我们身后的沙石，似乎因为我的逃脱而怒气冲冲。我疲乏地盯着海面，一点亮色吸引了我游离的目光——在海湾深处，黑色的海水之上跳跃着一团红色的火焰。这个景象简直不合常理，我怀疑自己仍处在神志不清的状态。我的脑海里想的尽是漆黑、翻滚的海水——还是那个迷失方向、不分上下的我，我迷失在深海中......但是，雅各布却能.....
“你是怎样找到我的？”我嘶哑地问道。
“我有线索，”他说道，他抱着我在雨中一路小跑，沿着海滩朝大路跑去，“我跟着轮胎印找到了你的小卡车，然后听到了你的尖叫......”
他身子一抖，“你为什么要跳呢，贝拉？你没有发现暴风雨来了吗？难道你就不能等等我？”他的语气显得有些恼怒，如释重负后的轻松感消失不见了。
“对不起，”我小声说道，“我太蠢了。”
“对，确实蠢。”他点点头赞同道，头发上的雨水滴落下来，“你能不能等我在你身边的时候再做这些蠢事？如果知道你会背着我跳悬崖，我根本没法集中精神干自己的事情。”
“当然，”我满口答应，“没问题。听上去我就像一个嗓音沙哑的烟鬼，我清了清嗓子——立马露出痛苦的表情，似乎有把匕首插入了喉咙，“今天发生了什么事？你们......找到她了吗？”尽管紧挨着他温暖的身体，我并不觉得太冷，但一提到这件事，我还是忍不住打了个寒噤。
雅各布摇了摇头。我们到了大路上，他仍然朝着他家慢跑。“没有，她逃到海里了——吸血鬼在水里比较有优势。这是我赶回来的原因——我担心她会游上岸，而你总是待在海滩边....”他的声音越来越小，喉咙有些哽咽。
“山姆和你一起回来的.....其他人也都到家了吗？”我不希望他们还在外面搜寻她。
“对，也许吧。”
我在雨中眯缝着眼睛，仔细观察着他的表情，他的眼神中充满忧愁和痛苦。
我突然间明白了刚才没有理解的那些话。“你说过......医院，刚才对山姆说的。有人受伤了吗？他和你们搏斗了？”我的嗓音徒然抬高了八度，再加上喉咙的嘶哑声，听上去怪怪的。
“不，没有。山姆和我回来的时候，恩布里在家里等着告诉我们一个消息。是哈里·克里尔沃特在医院，哈里今天早上心脏病发作。”
“哈里？”我摇了摇头，不愿相信他的话是真的，“噢，不！查理知道了吗？”“知道了，他和我爸爸都在医院。”
“哈里不会有事吧？”
雅各布的眼神又流露出一丝犹豫：“现在的情况很不妙。”
突然间，我的内心充满了负罪感——为了愚蠢的悬崖跳水而深感内疚。这个时侯大家担心的人不应该是我，我在不恰当的时间做了不恰当的事情。
“我可以做些什么？”我问道。
这时，雨停了。直到雅各布穿过屋子的大门，我才意识到我们已经回到他家，暴风雨仍在猛烈地击打着屋顶。
“你可以待在这里，”雅各布边说边把我放在沙发上，“我不是开玩笑——就待在这里，我去给你拿些干衣服。”
雅各布在卧室里粗手粗脚地找着衣服，我让眼睛逐渐适应屋里的黑暗。比利不在，狭小的客厅显得空荡荡的，甚至有些荒凉，似乎带着什么不详的预兆——也许是因为知道他在医院里，我才会有这种感觉。
雅各布很快回到客厅，他扔给我一堆灰色的衣服。“你穿肯定太大，但这些是我能找到的最好的了。
我，嗯，出去一下，这样你可以换衣服。”
“那里也别去，我现在太累，还不想换，和我待在一起。”
雅各布在我身旁的地板上坐下，背倚靠着沙发。我怀疑他很长时间没睡过觉，他看上去疲惫不堪。
他把头靠在我旁边的坐垫上，打了个哈欠：“也许我可以休息一下.....”
他闭上眼睛，我也合上眼睛。
可怜的哈里，可怜的苏。我想，查理一定会受不了，哈里是他最要好的朋友之一。尽管杰克已经作了消极的判断，我仍迫切地希望哈里能恢复健康。为了查理，为了苏，为了莉亚和赛思.....
比利家的沙发正靠近电暖炉，我觉得暖和多了，虽然衣服还是湿漉漉的。我的肺疼痛不已，这种疼痛让我一直处于半睡半醒的状态，而不是令我保持清醒。也许现在不应该睡觉.....难道溺水造成的脑震荡？雅各布开始轻轻地打鼾，他的鼾声像温柔的摇篮曲抚慰人心，我很快便进入梦乡。
很长一段日子里，我都没有做过这样一个平平常常的梦，仅仅是模糊地回忆往事片段——凤凰城耀眼的阳光、妈妈的脸庞、摇摇欲坠的树上小屋、褪了色的被褥、挂满镜子的墙壁、黑色海水上的火焰.....每一个景象都转瞬即逝，我一个也没记住。
唯一留在我脑海中的是最后一个景象，它毫无意义——只是个舞台布景。深夜的阳台，一轮描画的圆月挂在天空，我看见一个女孩儿穿着睡衣倚靠在阳台栏杆上，自言自语地说着话。
毫无意义.....但是，当我渐渐回过神来的时候，我的脑中闪现朱丽叶这个名字。
雅各布还在熟睡，他整个人倒在地板上，呼吸均匀而有力。屋子里比刚才更暗了，窗外也是一片漆黑。我身子僵硬，但却觉得温暖。衣服差不多快干了。我每吸一口气，喉咙里就像是被火灼烧。
应该起身走走——至少去拿杯水喝。但是，我的身体只希望毫不费力地躺着，再也不想动弹。
我们有起身，而是又想起了朱丽叶。
如果罗密欧离开了她，不是因为被放逐他乡，而是因为对她失去了兴趣，朱丽叶又会怎样呢？如果罗莎琳德对他痴心不改，他们俩重修旧好，朱丽叶会怎样呢？如果他没有娶朱丽叶，而是从此消失不见，朱丽叶又会怎样呢？
我想，我完全明白朱丽叶的感受。
她不可能再回到从前的生活，恐怕再也不能了。她不可能再开始正常的生活，我对此确信无疑。即使她一直活到年迈体衰、两鬓霜白的年纪，每当她合上双眼，她一定还会看到罗密欧的脸庞，她最终会接受这个事实。
她会不会为了取悦父母、维持和睦而嫁给了帕里斯。不会，不太会，我这样猜想着，可是，故事并没有过多地讲述帕里斯。他只是个配角——是一个仗势欺人、危险分子，也是她的死敌。
但是，如果帕里斯是另外一个人呢？
如果帕里斯是朱丽叶的朋友呢？如果他是她最好的朋友？如果他是她唯一的倾诉对象，能倾听她诉说罗密欧的一切？如果他是她唯一的知己，能帮助她点燃重生的希望？如果他既耐心又友善？如果他保护着她？如果朱丽叶发现自己离开他就无法生存？如果他真心深爱她，衷心希望她幸福快乐呢？
还有......如果她也爱帕里斯？当然不是像爱着罗密欧那样，但是，这份爱足以令她也由衷地企盼他幸福快乐？
屋子里只有雅各布舒缓、有力的呼吸声——像哼唱给小孩子听的摇篮曲，像摇椅的轻摇声，像老钟不紧不慢地滴答声......这声音听上去让人心安神宁。
如果罗密欧走了，再也不回来，朱丽叶是否接受帕里斯还重要吗？也许她应该试着习惯没有他的日子，重新开始正常的生活。也许只有这样，她才能得到最大的幸福。
我叹了口气，叹息又刺痛了喉咙，我忍不住痛苦地呻吟。我完全曲解了故事情节，罗密欧永远都不会变心，正因如此，人们才会记住他的名字，才会将他们两个人的名字成双的摆在一起：罗密欧与朱丽叶，这才是值得千古传唱的动人故事。“朱丽叶被抛弃，与帕里斯终成眷属”一定不可能成为热门的戏剧。
我闭上眼睛，又开始浮想联翩。我不再去想那出毫无意义的戏剧，而是回到现实之中——我想到了跳崖这件事，多么愚蠢错误啊。不知是跳崖，还有骑摩托，还有所有不负责任的冒失行为。如果我出了事怎么办？查理怎么办？哈利的心脏病发作突然让我把一切事情看得透彻。而这种透彻不是我想要的，因为——如果我接受了它——这就意味着我不得不改变现在的生活状态，但是，我真的能改变吗？
也许能。虽然改变不是那么容易，实际上，放弃幻想、学会成熟对于我来说简直是痛苦的煎熬。但是，也许我应该试试，也许我能做到，只要有雅各布陪着我。
这个问题实在令人苦恼，我现在没法做出决定。于是，我又回想起其他事。
我想回忆一些令人愉快的画面，但是，下午惊心动魄的场面一直在我脑海中挥散不去.....坠落时空气的阻力、一片漆黑的海底、汹涌的海水....爱德华的脸庞.....我舍不得把思绪从他身上移开。雅各布温暖的双手，拼命地把我从死亡线上拉回来....紫色云层投射下来的刺骨的雨滴.....海面上奇怪的火焰....
海面上的这点光亮似曾相识，当然，它不可能真是火焰....
屋外传来汽车的声音，我回过神来。我听见车在屋前停了下来，接着传来开关车门的声音。我想坐起来，但很快打消了这个念头。
我一下子认出了比利的说话声，但他的声音压得很低，听上去沙哑而阴郁。
大门开了，灯亮起来。我眨了眨眼，被光亮照得视线模糊。杰克惊跳起来，喘着粗气。
“抱歉，”比利深沉地说，“吵醒你们了吧？”
我盯着他的脸，渐渐读懂了他脸上的表情，我的眼睛顿时被泪水浸湿。
“噢！不，比利！！”我呜咽着。
他慢慢地点点头，神情悲伤痛苦。杰克赶快朝父亲走去，握住了他的双手。因为伤心至极，老人的脸看上去像个孩子——脸庞和身体似乎不属于同一个人。
山姆站在比利的身后，推着轮椅穿过大门。他以往镇定的脸色全然消失，只留下痛苦的表情。
“真叫人难过。”我轻声说道。
比利点点头：“所有人都会觉得难以忍受。”
“查理呢？”
“你父亲在医院陪着苏，还有好多.....事情要安排。”
我说不出话来。
“我回医院去了。”山姆低声说，匆匆朝门外走去。
比利从雅各布手中抽出双手，转动着轮椅穿过厨房，进了他的房间。
杰克盯着他的背影看了许久，接着又回到我身旁的地板坐下。他用手捂着脸，我轻抚他的肩膀，想找些话来说却又开不了口。
过了很长时间，雅各布抓着我的手，抚上他的脸庞。
“你感觉怎么样？还好吗？也许该带你去看医生。”他叹了口气。
“别为我担心。”我的声音嘶哑。
他扭过头看着我，眼眶红红的：“你看上去不太舒服。”
“我的确觉得不太舒服。”
“我开车送你回家——等查理回去了，最好能有你陪陪他。”
“对。”
我无神地躺着沙发上，等他去开我那辆小卡车。比利在房间里一声不响，我仿佛是个偷窥者，从裂缝中偷看别人的心事，偷看不属于我的伤心事。
杰克很快就把车开了出来，小卡车发动机的响声打破了沉寂。他将我从沙发上扶起来，什么也没说。他的胳膊搂着我的肩膀，门外的寒气让我瑟瑟发抖。他主动坐到驾驶座上，拉我紧挨着他，胳膊依旧紧紧地搂着我，我的头倚靠在他的胸膛。
“你待会儿怎么回家？”我问道。
“我不回家了，我们还没抓到那个吸血鬼，不是吗？”
我浑身一阵颤抖，这次绝不是因为寒冷。
一路上我们都很安静。冰凉的空气令我睡意全无，我的头脑格外清醒，努力而快速地思考问题。
怎么办？我应该怎么办？
我无法想象失去雅各布的生活，甚至连想象到这一点都让我心寒。他已经成为我生命中不可或缺的一部分。但是，继续保持这样的关系是不是.....太残忍了，就像迈克指责的那样？
我记得我曾希望雅各布是我的兄长。如今我意识到，我所要做的是向他表明我的真实想法。他这样搂着我的时候一点不像是兄长。我觉得这个样子很舒服——温暖、安宁、熟悉，还有安全，雅各布是安全的庇护所。
我可以表明一切，我应该这样做。
我得告诉他我的感受，这样才算对他公平。我得对他好好解释，这样他才会明白我不适合他，我远远配不上他。他已经知道我受过伤，但他不了解这伤的有多深。我得向他承认我有些疯狂——因为我总能听到某个人的声音，我必须在他做出决定之前表明这一切。
尽管我觉得有这个必要，但我确信，不管我说什么，他都会接受我，他会毫不犹豫地接受我。
但我得坚持向他表明一切——将这样一个残缺不全的我毫无掩饰地展现给他，这是唯一对他公平的方式。我会这样做吗？我能这样做吗？
为什么我这么希望雅各布幸福快乐呢？我对他的爱丝毫比不上先前付出的爱，我的心仍在远处游荡，痛苦地追随着我的那个狠心的罗密欧。为什么我还这么希望雅各布幸福快乐呢？
雅各布在黑漆漆的房子前停了车，四周突然安静下来，跟从前一样，他似乎又一次读懂了我的心思。
他的另一只胳膊也揽住了我，将我紧紧地拥在他胸前，似乎要把我和他黏在一起。这种感觉一如既往的舒服，我好像又恢复为一个完整无缺的人。
我以为他在想哈里的事，但他开口说话时，语气里满是歉意：“对不起，我知道你和我的感受不同，贝尔。我发誓，我不介意。我只是非常高兴你愿意听我唱歌——而其他人根本不愿意听。”我的耳边响起他独有的笑声。
我的呼吸加快，喉咙里像有千万颗沙砾摩擦。
爱德华会不会希望我此时此刻陶醉于幸福感之中呢？我们之间尚存的一点朋友情谊足不足以让他如此希望呢？我想他会的。他不可能妒忌：他只不过是把自己不想要的一点点爱送给我的朋友雅各布。况且，这份爱已不同与从前。
杰克暖暖的脸紧贴我的头发。
如果我转过脸——如果我的双唇触到他赤裸的肩膀....我完全清楚接下来会发生什么事。一切都将自然而然地发生，不需要任何理由，不需要任何解释。（妈妈的！雅各布你个混蛋，要是你敢碰我们的小贝拉一下，我就砍下你的狼爪，爱德~~你在哪啊~~）
但是，我会这样做吗？尽管我不是全心全意，但为了拯救自己可悲的生活，我会这样做吗？
我心神不宁地犹豫着要不要转过头去。
就在这时，爱德华温柔的声音在我耳边响起，同我遇到危险时听到的声音一样清晰分明。
“享受幸福吧。”他对我说。
我愣住了。
雅各布察觉到我的身体变得僵硬，不由自主地松开胳膊，伸手去开车门。
等等！我想说，等一会儿！但是，我什么也没说，一动不动地坐在那里，脑袋里回响着爱德华的声音。
一阵暴风雨过后的冷风吹进了驾驶室。
“噢！”雅各布猛地吐出一口气，就好像有人在他肚子打了一拳，“真见鬼！”
他呯的关上车门，使劲地拧着点火开关上的车钥匙。他的双手抖动得厉害，我简直不相信他用这双手拧动了钥匙。
“怎么了？”
他加速过快，引擎噼啪作响，车身跟着抖动了几个。
“吸血鬼。”他狠狠地说。
我的脑袋里一片空白，整个人觉得头晕目眩：“你怎么知道的？”
“我闻得到！该死！”
雅各布的眼神充满杀气，他扫视着车前黑暗的道路，一点都没有意识到他的身子颤动的厉害。“变身还是带她离开这里？”他低声地自言自语。
他转过头迅速地看了我一眼，发现了我惊恐的双眼和惨白的脸色，他又调过头去扫视着前方的道路。“对，带你离开。”
他猛踩油门，发动机听上去像是在怒号。他调转车头，轮胎摩擦地面发出刺耳的声响。车灯的光柱一直从公路延伸到黑压压的森林，最后落在了一辆小轿车身上，它就停在我家门口的马路对面。
“停车！”我喘着粗气喊道。
这是一辆黑色的车——我认识这辆车。我绝不是个车迷，但是我对这部车了如指掌。这是梅赛德斯s55 amg型，我熟悉它的马力和车内的颜色；我熟悉它强大引擎的振动声；我熟悉它皮座椅的浓浓气味；我熟悉它车窗的暗色，让白天看上去都像是傍晚。
这时卡莱尔的车！
“停车！”我又喊道，声音比刚才更大，因为雅各布正不顾一切地朝前方驶去。
“什么？！”
“不是维多利亚。停车，停车！我要回去！！”
他用力踩住刹车，我牢牢地抵住仪表板，才不至于让整个身子冲向前去。
“你说什么？”我惊讶地问道，直勾勾地盯着我，眼神中充满恐惧。
“是卡莱尔的车！是卡伦一家人！我认得。”
他看着我如梦初醒的样子，浑身剧烈地颤动着。
“嘿，镇定下来，杰克。没事，没有危险，明白吗？放轻松。”
“是的，镇定！”他气喘吁吁地说，低下头闭上了眼睛。当他努力克制自己不变身为狼的时候，我朝车窗外那辆黑色的轿车望去。
只有卡莱尔而已，我对自己说，别指望还有其他人。也许还有埃斯梅....别再往下想了！！我警告自己。只有卡莱尔而已，这已经足够了，已经超越了我的预想。
“你家里有个吸血鬼，”雅各布不满地说，“你却想回去？”
我看了看他，极不情愿地将视线从梅赛德斯身上挪开——生怕我一看向别处，它就消失不见了。
“当然。”我答道，对他提出的质疑我一点也不觉得奇怪，我当然想回去。
我盯着雅各布，他的表情变得僵硬，那种带有敌意的神情有凝结在他的脸上，我还以为再也不会看到这种样子的他，我发现他的眼神中闪过一丝遭人背叛的痛楚。他的双手仍在不停的颤抖，整个人看上去老了十几岁。
他深吸一口气，“你确定这不是个圈套？”他用低沉的声音问道。
“这不是圈套，是卡莱尔，带我回去！”
他宽厚的双肩猛地抖动，但他的眼神却冷淡、漠然：“不！”
“杰克，没事.....”
“不。你自己回去吧，贝拉。”他的话如此冷酷无情——我的身子向后退缩，仿佛被他的话击中，他用力地咬着牙齿又松开。
“你知道的，贝拉，”他的声音一点也没变，“我不能回去。不管条约里怎么规定，他们都是我们的敌人。”
“不是这样的.....”
“我得马上通知山姆，情况有变，我们不能在他们的地盘上出没。”
“杰克，这不是战争！”
他不理睬我，把换挡器挂到空挡，跳出车门，跑着离开。
再见，贝拉。”他回过头喊道，“我真希望你不会死。”他冲进了森林黑暗深处，身子抖动得如此剧烈，甚至连背影都变得模糊，我还没来得及叫他，他就已经消失得无影无踪。
我呆坐在车里，深感内疚，我刚才对雅各布做了些什么啊？
但是，我没时间自责下去了。
我还到驾驶座上，发动了小卡车。我的双手就同杰克的一样抖动着，过了好久我才镇定下来。我小心翼翼地跳转车头，朝家里开去。
我熄灭车灯后，四周一片漆黑。查理走的时候太匆忙了，忘记打开走廊的灯。我迟疑地盯着黑暗中的房子，如果这是个圈套怎么办？
我又回过头看了一眼那辆黑色的车，它几乎隐匿在夜色之中。不，我认得这部车。
但是，当我伸手去取门框上的钥匙时，双手忍不住又抖了起来。我握住门把，轻轻一扭便打开了大门。我没有关门，门道里黑糊糊的。
我想打个招呼，但是嗓子又干又痛，我连大气都不敢喘一下。
我向屋里走了一步，摸索着电灯开关。屋里真黑——就像海底一样黑......开关究竟在哪儿呢？
黑漆漆的海水，海面上还不可思议地跳跃着红色的光亮，那光亮不可能是火，那会是.....我的手指沿着墙壁摸索着，依旧抖动不止——
突然间，今天下午雅各布对我说的一段话在脑海中回响，变得越来越清晰....她逃到海里了，他说，吸血鬼在水里比较有优势，这是我赶回来的原因——我担心他会游上岸。
我的手停住了，整个身子呆立在那里，我明白为什么我会觉得海面上奇怪的红色光亮很眼熟了。
维多利亚的头发，被风吹散，火一般的颜色.....
她当时就在那里。她就在海湾，同我和雅各布在一起。如果山姆不在那儿，如果只有我和雅各布两个人.....我觉得呼吸困难、四肢僵硬。
灯亮了，尽管我麻木的手指根本没有摸到开关。
在徒然出现的灯光下，我眨了眨眼睛，看见了那个一直在等待着我的人。