each time that i opened my eyes to the morning light and realized i'd lived throughanother night was a surprise to me. after the surprise wore off, my heart would start to race and mypalms would sweat; i couldn't really breathe again until i'd gotten up and ascertained that charlie hadsurvived as well.
i could tell he was worried—watching me jump at any loud sound, or my face suddenly go white for noreason that he could see. from the questions he asked now and then, he seemed to blame the change on jacob's continued absence.
the terror that was always foremost in my thoughts usually distracted me from the fact that another weekhad passed, and jacob still hadn't called me. but when i was able to concentrate on my normal life—ifmy life was really ever normal—this upset me.
i missed him horribly.
it had been bad enough to be alone before i was scared silly. now, more than ever, i yearned for hiscarefree laugh and his infectious grin. i needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warmhand around my cold fingers.
i'd half expected him to call on monday. if there had been some progress with embry, wouldn't he wantto report it? i wanted to believe that it was worry for his friend that was occupying all his time, not that hewas just giving up on me.
i called him tuesday, but no one answered. were the phone lines still having problems? or had billyinvested in caller i.d.?
on wednesday i called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth ofjacob's voice.
thursday i sat in my truck in front of my house—with the locks pushed down—keys in hand, for a solidhour. i was arguing with myself, trying to justify a quick trip to la push, but i couldn't do it.
i knew that laurent had gone back to victoria by now. if i went to la push, i took the chance of leadingone of them there. what if they caught up to me when jake was nearby? as much as it hurt me, i knew itwas better for jacob that he was avoiding me. safer for him.
it was bad enough that i couldn't figure out a way to keep charlie safe. nighttime was the most likelytime that they would come looking ior me, and what could i say to get charlie out of the house? if i toldhim the truth, he'd have me locked up in a rubber room somewhere. i would have enduredthat—welcomed it, even—if it could have kept him safe. but victoria would still come to his house first,looking for me. maybe, if she found me here, that would be enough for her. maybe she would just leavewhen she was done with me.
so i couldn't run away. even if i could, where would i go? to renee? i shuddered at the thought ofdragging my lethal shadows into my mother's safe, sunny world. i would never endanger her that way.
the worry was eating a hole in my stomach. soon i would have matching punctures.
that night, charlie did me another favor and called harry again to see if the blacks were out of town.
harry reported that billy had attended the council meeting wednesday night, and never mentionedanything about leaving. charlie warned me not to make a nuisance of myself—jacob would call when hegot around to it.
friday afternoon, as i drove home from school, it hit me out of the blue.
i wasn't paying attention to the familiar road, letting the sound of the engine deaden my brain and silencethe worries, when my subconscious delivered a verdict it must have been working on for some timewithout my knowledge.
as soon as i thought of it, i felt really stupid for not seeing it sooner. sure. i'd had a lot on mymind—revenue-obsessed vampires, giant mutant wolves, a ragged hole in the center of my chest—but when i laid the evidence out, it was embarrassingly obvious.
jacob avoiding me. charlie saying he looked strange, upset. . . . billy's vague, unhelpful answers.
holy crow, i knew exactly what was going on with jacob.
it was sam uley. even my nightmares had been trying to tell me that. sam had gotten to jacob.
whatever was happening to the other boys on the reservation had reached out and stolen my friend.
he'd been sucked into sam's cult.
he hadn't given up on me at all, i realized with a rush of feeling.
i let my truck idle in front of my house. what should i do? i weighed the dangers against each other.
if i went looking for jacob, i risked the chance of victoria or laurent finding me with him.
if i didn't go after him, sam would pull him deeper into his frightening, compulsory gang. maybe it wouldbe too late if i didn't act soon.
it had been a week, and no vampires had come for me yet. a week was more than enough time for themto have returned, so i must not be a priority. most likely, as i'd decided before, they would come for meat night. the chances of them following me to la push were much lower than the chance of losing jacobto sam.
it was worth the danger of the secluded forest road. this was no idle visit to see what was going on. iknew what was going on. this was a rescue mission. i was going to talk to jacob—kidnap him if i hadto. i'd once seen a pbs show on deprogramming the brainwashed. there had to be some kind of cure.
i decided i'd better call charlie first. maybe whatever was going on down in la push was something thepolice should be involved in. i dashed inside, in a hurry to be on my way.
charlie answered the phone it the station himself.
"chief swan.""dad, it's bella.""what's wrong?'"i couldn't argue with his doomsday assumption this time. my voice was shaking.
"i'm worried about jacob.""why?" he asked, surprised by the unexpected topic.
"i think… i think something weird is going on down at the reservation. jacob told me about some strangestuff happening with the other boys his age. now he's acting the same way and i'm scared.""what kind of stuff?" he used his professional, police business voice. that was good; he was taking meseriously.
"first he was scared, and then he was avoiding me, and now… i'm afraid he's part of that bizarre gangdown there, sam's gang. sam uley's gang.""sam uley?" charlie repeated, surprised again.
"yes."charlie's voice was more relaxed when he answered. "i think you've got it wrong, bells. sam uley is agreat kid. well, he's a man now. a good son. you should hear billy talk about him. he's really doingwonders with the youth on the reservation. he's the one who—" charlie broke off mid-sentence, and iguessed that he had been about to make a reference to the night i'd gotten lost in the woods. i moved onquickly.
"dad, it's not like that. jacob was scared ofhim.""did you talk to billy about this?" he was trying to soothe me now. i'd lost him as soon as i'd mentionedsam.
"billy's not concerned.""well, bella, then i'm sure it's okay. jacob's a kid; he was probably just messing around. i'm sure he'sfine. he can't spend every waking minute with you, after all.""this isn't about me," i insisted, but the battle was lost.
"i don't think you need to worry about this. let billy take care of jacob.""charlie…" my voice was starting to sound whiney.
"bells, i got a lot on my plate right now. two tourists have gone missing off a trail outside crescent lake."there was an anxious edge to his voice. "this wolf problem is getting out of hand."i was momentarily distracted—stunned, really—by his news. there was no way the wolves could havesurvived a match-up with laurent…"are you sure that's what happened to them?" i asked.
"afraid so, honey. there was—" he hesitated. "there were tracks again, and… some blood this time.""oh!" it must not have come to a confrontation, then. laurent must have simply outrun the wolves, butwhy? what i'd seen in the meadow just got stranger and stranger—more impossible to understand.
"look, i really have to go. don't worry about jake, bella. i'm sure it's nothing.""fine," i said curtly, frustrated as his words reminded me of the more urgent crisis at hand. "bye." i hangup.
i stared at the phone for a long minute. what the hell, i decided.
billy answered after two rings.
"hello?""hey, billy," i almost growled. i tried to sound more friendly as i continued. "can i talk to jacob,please?""jake's not here."what a shock. "do you know where he is?""he's out with his friends." billy's voice was careful.
"oh yeah? anyone i know? quil?" i could tell the words didn't come across as casually as i'd meantthem to.
"no," billy said slowly. "i don't think he's with quil today."i knew better than to mention sam's name.
"embry?" i asked.
billy seemed happier to answer this one. "yeah, he's with embry."that was enough for me. embry was one of them.
"well, have him call me when he gets in, all right?""sure, sure. no problem." click.
"see you soon, billy," i muttered into the dead phone.
i drove to la push determined to wait. i'd sit out front of his house all night if i had to. i'd miss school.
the boy was going to have to come home sometime, and when he did, he was going to have to talk tome.
my mind was so preoccupied that the trip i'd been terrified of making seemed to take only a fewseconds. before i was expecting it, the forest began to thin, and i knew i would soon be able to see thefirst little houses of the reservation.
walking away, along the left side of the road, was a tall boy with a baseball cap.
my breath caught for just a moment in my throat, hopeful that luck was with me for once, and i'dsrumbled across jacob without hardly trying. but this boy was too wide, and the hair was short under thehat. even from behind, i was sure it was quil, though he looked bigger than the last time i'd seen him.
what was with these quileute boys? were they feeding them experimental growth hormones?
i crossed over to the wrong side of the road to stop next to him. he looked up when the roar of mytruck approached.
quil's expression frightened me more than it surprised me. his face was bleak, brooding, his foreheadcreased with worry.
"oh, hey, bella," he greeted me dully.
"hi, quil… are you okay?"he stared at me morosely. "fine.""can i give you a ride somewhere?" i offered.
"sure, i guess," he mumbled. he shuffled around the front of the truck and opened the passenger door toclimbin.
"where to?""my house is on the north side, back behind the store," he told me.
"have you seen jacob today." the question burst from me almost before he'd finished speaking.
i looked at quil eagerly, waiting for his answer. he stared out the windshield for a second before hespoke. "from a distance," he finally said.
"a distance?" i echoed.
"i tried to follow them—he was with embry." his voice was low, hard to hear over the engine. i leanedcloser. "i know they saw me. but they turned and just disappeared into the trees. i don't think they werealone—i think sam and his crew might have been with them.
"i've been stumbling around in the forest for an hour, yelling for them. i just barely found the road againwhen you drove up.""so sam did get to him." the words were a little distorted—my teeth were gritted together.
quil stared at me. "you know about that.?"i nodded. "jake told me… before.""before," quil repeated, and sighed.
"jacob's just as bad as the others now?""never leaves sam's side." quil turned his head and spit out the open window.
"and before that—did he avoid everyone? was he acting upset?"his voice was low and rough. "not for as long as the others. maybe one day. then sam caught up withhim.""what do you think it is? drugs or something?""i can't see jacob or embry getting into anything like that… but what do i know? what else could it be?
and why aren't the old people worried?" he shook his head, and the fear showed in his eyes now.
"jacob didn't want to be a part of this… cult. i don't understand what could change him." he stared atme, his face frightened. "i don't want to be next."my eyes mirrored his fear. that was the second time i'd heard it described as a cult. i shivered. "areyour parents any help?"he grimaced. "right. my grandfather's on the council with jacob's dad. sam uley is the best thing thatever happened to this place, as far as he's concerned."we stared at each other for a prolonged moment. we were in la push now, and my truck was barelycrawling along the empty road. i could see the village's only store not too far ahead.
"i'll get out now," quil said. "my house is right over there." he gestured toward the small woodenrectangle behind the store. i pulled over to the shoulder, and he jumped out.
"i'm going to go wait for jacob," i told him in a hard voice.
"good luck." he slammed the door and shuffled forward along the road, his head bent forward, hisshoulders slumped.
quil's face haunted me as i made a wide u-turn and headed back toward the blacks'. he was terrifiedof being next. what was happening here?
i stopped in front of jacob's house, killing the motor and rolling down the windows. it was stuffy today,no breeze. i put my feet up on the dashboard and settled in to wait.
a movement flashed in my peripheral vision—i turned and spotted billy looking at me through the frontwindow with a confused expression. i waved once and smiled a tight smile, but stayed where i was.
his eyes narrowed; he let the curtain fall across the glass.
i was prepared to stay as long as it took, but i wished i had something to do. i dug up a pen out of thebottom of my backpack, and an old test. i started to doodle on the back of the scrap.
i'd only had time to scrawl one row of diamonds when there was a sharp tap against my door.
i jumped, looking up, expecting billy.
"what are you doing here, bella.'" jacob growled.
i stared at him in blank astonishment.
jacob had changed radically in the last weeks since i'd seen him. the first thing i noticed was hishair—his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short, covering his head with an inky gloss like blacksatin. the planes of his face seemed to have hardened subtly, tightened… aged. his neck and hisshoulders were different, too, thicker somehow. his hands, where they gripped the window frame,looked enormous, with the tendons and veins more prominent under the russet skin. but the physicalchanges were insignificant.
it was his expression that made him almost completely unrecognizable. the open, friendly smile was gonelike the hair, the warmth in his dark eyes altered to a brooding resentment that was instantly disturbing.
there was a darkness in jacob now. like my sun had imploded.
"jacob?" i whispered.
he just stared at me, his eyes tense and angry.
i realized we weren't alone. behind him stood four others; all tall and russet-skinned, black hair choppedshort just like jacob's. they could have been brothers—i couldn't even pick embry out of the group.
the resemblance was only intensified by the strikingly similar hostility in every pair of eyes.
every pair but one. the oldest by several years, sam stood in the very back, his face serene and sure. ihad to swallow back the bile that rose in my throat. i wanted to take a swing at him. no, i wanted to domore than that. more than anything, i wanted to be fierce and deadly, someone no one would dare messwith. someone who would scare sam uley silly.
i wanted to be a vampire.
the violent desire caught me off guard and knocked the wind out of me. it was the most forbidden of allwishes—even when i only wished it for a malicious reason like this, to gain an advantage over anenemy—because it was the most painful. that future was lost to me forever, had never really been withinmy grasp. i scrambled to gain control of myself while the hole in my chest ached hollowly.
"what do you want?" jacob demanded, his expression growing more resentful as he watched the play ofemotion across my face.
"i want to talk to you," i said in a weak voice. i tried to focus, but i was still reeling against the escape of my taboo dream.
"go ahead," he hissed through his teeth. his glare was vicious. i'd never seen him look at anyone likethat, least of all me. it hurt with a surprising intensity—a physical pain, a stabbing in my head.
"alone!" i hissed, and my voice was stronger.
he looked behind him, and i knew where his eyes would go. every one of them was turned for sam'sreaction.
sam nodded once, his face unperturbed. he made a brief comment in an unfamiliar, liquid language—icould only be positive that it wasn't french or spanish, but i guessed that it was quileute. he turned andwalked into jacob's house. the others, paul, jared, and embry, i assumed, followed him in.
"okay." jacob seemed a bit less furious when the others were gone. his face was a little calmer, but alsomore hopeless. his mouth seemed permanently pulled down at the corners.
i took a deep breath. "you know what i want to know."he didn't answer. he just stared at me bitterly.
i stared back and the silence stretched on. the pain in his face unnerved me. i felt a lump beginning tobuild in my throat.
"can we walk?" i asked while i could still speak.
he didn't respond in any way; his face didn't change.
i got out of the car, feeling unseen eyes behind the windows on me, and started walking toward the treesto the north. my feet squished in the damp grass and mud beside the road, and, as that was the onlysound, at first i thought he wasn't following me. but when i glanced around, he was right beside me, hisfeet having somehow found a less noisy path than mine.
i felt better in the fringe of trees, where sam couldn't possibly be watching. as we walked, i struggled forthe right thing to say, but nothing came. i just got more and more angry that jacob had gotten suckedin… that billy had allowed this… that sam was able to stand there so assured and calm…jacob suddenly picked up the pace, striding ahead of me easily with his long legs, and then swingingaround to face me, planting himself in my path so i would have to stop too.
i was distracted by the overt grace of his movement. jacob had been nearly as klutzy as me with hisnever-ending growth spurt. when did that changed?
but jacob didn't give me time to think about it.
"let's get this over with," he said in a hard, husky voice.
i waited. he knew what i wanted.
"it's not what you think." his voice was abruptly weary. "it's not what i thought—i was way off.""so what is it, then?"he studied my face for a long moment, speculating. the anger never completely left his eyes. "i can't tellyou," he finally said.
my jaw tightened, and i spoke through my teeth. "i thought we were friends.""we were." there was a slight emphasis on the past tense.
"but you don't need friends anymore," i said sourly. "you have sam. isn't that nice—you've alwayslooked up to him so much.""i didn't understand him before.""and now you've seen the light. hallelujah.""it wasn't like i thought it was. this isn't sam's fault. he's helping me as much as he can." his voiceturned brittle and he looked over my head, past me, rage burning out from his eyes.
"he's helping you," i repeated dubiously. "naturally."but jacob didn't seem to be listening. he was taking deep, deliberate breaths, trying to calm himself. hewas so mad that his hands were shaking.
"jacob, please," i whispered "won't you tell me what happened? maybe i can help.""no one can help me now." the words were a low moan; his voice broke.
"what did he do to you?" i demanded, tears collecting in my eyes. i reached out to him, as i had oncebefore, stepping forward with my arms wide.
this time he cringed away, holding his hands up defensively. "don't touch me," he whispered.
"is sam catching?" i mumbled. the stupid tears had escaped the corners of my eyes. i wiped them awaywith the back of my hand, and folded my arms across my chest.
"stop blaming sam." the words came out fast, like a reflex. his hands reached up to twist around thehair that was no longer there, and then fell limply at his sides.
"then who should i blame?" i retorted.
he halfway smiled; it was a bleak, twisted thing.
"you don't want to hear that.""the hell i don't!" i snapped. "i want to know, and i want to know now.""you're wrong," he snapped back.
"don't you dare tell me i'm wrong—i'm not the one who got brainwashed! tell me now whose fault thisall is, if it's not your precious sam!""you asked for it," he growled at me, eyes glinting hard. "if you want to blame someone, why don't youpoint your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?"my mouth fell open and my breath came out with a whooshing sound. i was frozen in place, stabbedthrough with his double-edged words. the pain twisted in familiar patterns through my body, the jaggedhole ripping me open from the inside out, but it was second place, background music to the chaos of mythoughts. i couldn't believe that i'd heard him correctly. there was no trace of indecision in his face. onlyfury.
my mouth still hung wide.
"i told you that you didn't want to hear it," he said.
"i don't understand who you mean," i whispered.
he raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "i think you understand exactly who i mean. you're not going tomake me say it, are you? i don't like hurting you.""i don't understand who you mean," i repeated mechanically.
"the cullens," he said slowly, drawing out the word, scrutinizing my face as he spoke it. "i saw that—ican see in your eyes what it does to you when i say their name."i shook my head back and forth in denial, trying to clear it at the same time. how did he know this? andhow did it have anything to do with sam's cult? was it a gang of vampire-haters? what was the point offorming such a society when no vampires lived in forks anymore? why would jacob start believing thestories about the cullens now, when the evidence of them was long gone, never to return?
it took me too long to come up with the correct response. "don't tell me you're listening to billy'ssuperstitious nonsense now," i said with a feeble attempt at mockery.
"he knows more than i gave him credit for.""be serious, jacob."he glared at me, his eyes critical.
"superstitions aside," i said quickly. "i still don't see what you're accusing the... cullens"—wince—"of.
they left more than half a year ago. how can you blame them for what sam is doing now?""sam isn't doing anything, bella. and i know they're gone. but sometimes… things are set in motion, andthen it's too late.""what's set in motion? what's too late? what are you blaming them for?"he was suddenly right in my face, his fury glowing in his eyes. "for existing," he hissed.
i was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in edward's voice again, when i wasn't evenscared.
"quiet now, bella. don't push him," edward cautioned in my ear.
ever since edward's name had broken through the careful walls i'd buried it behind, i'd been unable tolock it up again. it didn't hurt now—not during the precious seconds when i could hear his voice.
jacob was fuming in front of me, quivering with anger.
i didn't understand why the edward delusion was unexpectedly in my mind. jacob was livid, but he wasjacob. there was no adrenaline, no danger.
"give him a chance to calm down," edward's voice insisted.
i shook my head in confusion. "you're being ridiculous," i told them both.
"fine," jacob answered, breathing deeply again. "i won't argue it with you. it doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done.""what damage?"he didn't flinch as i shouted the words in his face.
"let's head back. there's nothing more to say."i gaped. "there's everything more to say! you haven't said anything yet!"he walked past me, striding back toward the house.
"i ran into quil today," i yelled after him.
he paused midstep, but didn't turn.
"you remember your friend, quil? yeah, he's terrified."jacob whirled to face me. his expression was pained. "quil" was all he said.
"he's worried about you, too. he's freaked out."jacob stared past me with desperate eyes.
i goaded him further. "he's frightened that he's next."jacob clutched at a tree for support, his face turning a strange shade of green under the red-brownsurface. "he won't be next," jacob muttered to himself. "he can't be. it's over now. this shouldn't still behappening. why? why?" his fist slammed against the tree. it wasn't a big tree, slender and only a fewfeet taller than jacob. but it still surprised me when tht trunk gave way and snapped off loudly under hisblows.
jacob stared at the sharp, broken point with shock that quickly turned to horror.
"i have to get back." he whirled and stalked away so swiftly that i had to jog to keep up.
"back to sam!""that's one way of looking at it," it sounded like he said. he was mumbling and facing away.
i chased him back to the truck. "wait!" i called as he turned toward the house.
he spun around to face me, and i saw that his hands were shaking again.
"go home, bella. i can't hang out with you anymore."the silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. the tears welled up again. "are you… breaking upwith me?" the words were all wrong, but they were the best way i could think to phrase what i wasasking. after all, what jake and i had was more than any schoolyard romance. stronger.
he barked out a bitter laugh. "hardly. if that were the case, i'd say 'let's stay friends.' i can't even saythat.""jacob… why? sam won't let you have other friends? please, jake. you promised. i need you!" theblank emptiness of my life before—before jacob brought some semblance of reason back intoit—reared up and confronted me. loneliness choked in my throat.
"i'm sorry, bella," jacob said each word distinctly in a cold voice that didn't seem to belong to him.
i didn't believe that this was really what jacob wanted to say. it seemed like there was something elsetrying to be said through his angry eyes, but i couldn't understand the message.
maybe this wasn't about sam at all. maybe this had nothing to do with the cullens. maybe he was justtrying to pull himself out of a hopeless situation. maybe i should let him do that, if that's what was best forhim. i should do that. it would be right.
but i heard my voice escaping in a whisper.
"i'm sorry that i couldn't… before… i wish i could change how i feel about you, jacob." i wasdesperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie. "maybe…maybe i would change," i whispered. "maybe, if you gave me some time… just don't quit on me now,jake. i can't take it."his face went from anger to agony in a second. one shaking hand reached out toward me.
"no. don't think like that, bella, please. don't blame yourself, don't think this is your fault. this one is allme. i swear, it's not about you.""it's not you, it's me," i whispered. "there's a new one.""i mean it, bella. i'm not…" he struggled, his voice going even huskier as he fought to control his emotion.
his eyes were tortured. "i'm not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. i'm not what iwas before. i'm not good.""what?" i stared at him, confused and appalled. "what are you saying? you're much better than i am,jake. you are good! who told you that you aren't? sam? it's a vicious lie, jacob! don't let him tell youthat!" i was suddenly yelling again.
jacob's face went hard and flat. "no one had to tell me anything. i know what i am.""you're my friend, that's what you are! jake—don't!"he was backing away from me.
"i'm sorry, bella," he said again; this time it was a broken mumble. he turned and almost ran into thehouse.
i was unable to move from where i stood. i stared at the little house; it looked too small to hold fourlarge boys and two larger men. there was no reaction inside. no flutter at the edge of the curtain, nosound of voices or movement. it faced me vacantly.
the rain started to drizzle, stinging here and there against my skin. i couldn't take my eyes off the house.
jacob would come back. he had to.
the rain picked up, and so did the wind. the drops were no longer falling from above; they slanted at anangle from the west. i could smell the brine from the ocean. my hair whipped in my face, sticking to thewet places and tangling in my lashes. i waited.
finally the door opened, and i took a step forward in relief.
billy rolled his chair into the door frame. i could see no one behind him.
"charlie just called, bella. i told him you were on your way home." his eyes were full of pity.
the pity made it final somehow. i didn't comment. i just turned robotically and climbed in my truck. i'dleft the windows open and the seats were slick and wet. it didn't matter. i was already soaked.
not as bad! not as bad! my mind tried to comfort me. it was true. this wasn't as bad. this wasn't theend of the world, not again. this was just the end of what little peace there was left behind. that was all.
not as bad, i agreed, then added, but bad enough.
i'd thought jake had been healing the hole in me—or at least plugging it up, keeping it from hurting me somuch. i'd been wrong. he'd just been carving out his own hole, so that i was now riddled through likeswiss cheese. i wondered why i didn't crumble into pieces.
charlie was waiting on the porch. as i rolled to a stop, he walked out to meet me.
"billy called. he said you got in fight with jake—said you were pretty upset," he explained as he openedmy door for me.
then he looked at my face. a kind of horrified recognition registered in his expression. i tried to feel myface from the inside out, to know what he was seeing. my face felt empty and cold, and i realized what itwould remind him of.
"that's not exactly how it happened," i muttered.
charlie put his arm around me and helped me out of the car. he didn't comment on my sodden clothes.
"then what did happen'" he asked when we were inside. he pulled the afghan off the back of the sofa ashe spoke and wrapped it around my shoulders. i realized i was shivering still.
my voice was lifeless. "sam uley says jacob can't be my friend anymore."charlie shot me a strange look. "who told you that?""jacob," i stated, though that wasn't exactly what he'd said. it was still true.
charlie's eyebrows pulled together. "you really think there's something wrong with the uley kid?""i know there is. jacob wouldn't tell me what, though." i could hear the water from my clothes drippingto the floor and splashing on the linoleum. "i'm going to go change."charlie was lost in thought. "okay," he said absently.
i decided to take a shower because i was so cold, but the hot water didn't seem to affect thetemperature of my skin. i was still freezing when i gave up and shut the water off. in the sudden quiet, icould hear charlie talking to someone downstairs. i wrapped a towel around me, and cracked thebathroom door.
charlie's voice was angry. "i'm not buying that. it doesn't make any sense."it was quiet then, and i realized he was on the phone. a minute passed.
"don't you put this on bella!" charlie suddenly shouted.
i jumped. when he spoke again, his voice was careful and lower. "bella's made it very clear all along that she and jacob were just friends… well, if that was it, then why didn't you say so at first? no, billy, ithink she's right about this… because i know my daughter, and if she says jacob was scared before—"he was cut off mid-sentence, and when he answered he was almost shouting again.
"what do you mean i don't know my daughter as well as i think i do!" he listened for a brief second,and his response was almost too low for me to hear. "if you think i'm going to remind her about that, thenyou had better think again. she's only just starting to get over it, and mostly because of jacob, i think. ifwhatever jacob has going on with this sam character sends her back into that depression, then jacob isgoing to have to answer to me. you're my friend, billy, but this is hurting my family."there was another break for billy to respond.
"you got that right—those boys set one toe out of line and i'm going to know about it. we'll be keepingan eye on the situation, you can be sure of that." he was no longer charlie; he was chief swan now.
"fine. yeah. goodbye." the phone slammed into the cradle.
i tiptoed quickly across the hall into my room. charlie was muttering angrily in the kitchen.
so billy was going to blame me. i was leading jacob on and he'd finally had enough.
it was strange, for i'd feared that myself, but after the last thing jacob had said this afternoon, i didn'tbelieve it anymore. there was much more to this than an unrequited crush, and it surprised me that billywould stoop to claiming that. it made me think that whatever secret they were keeping was bigger thani'd been imagining. at least charlie was on my side now.
i put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. life seemed dark enough at the moment chat i let myselfcheat. the hole—holes now—were already aching, so why not? i pulled out the memory—nor a realmemory that would hurt too much, but the false memory of edward's voice in my mind thisafternoon—and played it over and over in my head until i fell asleep with the tears still streaming calmlydown my empty face.
it was a new dream tonight. rain was falling and jacob was walking soundlessly beside me, thoughbeneath my feet the ground crunched like dry gravel. but he wasn't my jacob; he was the new, bitter,graceful jacob. the smooth suppleness of his walk reminded me of someone else, and, as i watched, hisfeatures started to change. the russet color of his skin leached away, leaving his face pale white likebone. his eyes turned gold, and then crimson, and then back to gold again. his shorn hair twisted in thebreeze, turning bronze where the wind touched it. and his face became so beautiful that it shattered myheart. i reached for him, but he took a step away, raising his hands like a shield. and then edwardvanished.
i wasn't sure, when i woke in the dark, if i'd just begun crying, or if my tears had run while i slept andsimply continued now. i stared at my dark ceiling. i could feel that it was the middle of the night—i wasstill half-asleep, maybe more than half. i closed my eyes wearily and prayed for a dreamless sleep.
that's when i heard the noise that must have wakened me in the first place. something sharp scrapedalong the length of my window with a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.
11 信徒
每天早上当我睁开眼睛,发现自己又安然度过了一夜就觉得欣喜.一阵短暂的欣喜过后心跳开始加速,掌心冒出冷汗,我赶紧身去看查理,确定他也安然无恙后我才能按下心来.
我看得出来他很担心----我一听到任何响声都会惊跳起来,脸色总是会无缘无故变得苍白.从他偶尔的询问中,我知道他是在责怪雅各布太久没有出现.
恐惧打消了我心里所有的念想,我几乎没有意识到一个星期又过去了,而雅各布还是没有给我打电话.当我的生活恢复正常----如果我的生活还算是正常的生活的话----这件事让我感到伤心.
我非常想念他.
在经历恐惧和惊吓之前,我已经忍受不了一个人独处.而现在,我比从前更想念他轻松愉快的笑声和打动人心的笑脸,想念他那间简单却安全、宁静的车库,想念他温暖的手掌握住我冰冷的双手.
星期一,我期待他打个电话过来.如果他与恩布里一切进展顺利的话,他是不是希望告诉我一声呢?我宁可相信他是为了朋友的事情忙碌操心,而不是有意疏远我.
星期二,我给他打了个电话,但是没有人应答.难道电话线路又出故障了?或者比利申请了来电显示?
星期三,我每隔半小时就往他家打一个电话,直到晚上11点后才作罢,我急于听到雅各布温情脉脉的声音.
星期四,我呆坐在门口的小卡车里----按下车栓----手里握着车钥匙,整整坐了一个小时.我艰难地作着思想斗争,想要说服自己开车去一趟拉普西,但是我不能这么做. 劳伦特现在肯定回到维多利亚那里了.如果我去拉普西,我也许会把他们也引过去.如果杰克(雅各布???)看到我被他们捉住怎么办?尽管看不到雅各布让我伤心不已,但是他离我越远就会越安全,这样想想,心里也就不那么难受了.
我决定先给查理打个电话,也许应该通知警方拉普西发生的事情.我冲进屋里,一刻也不想耽搁自己的计划.
查理接了电话.
"斯旺警长.〃
"爸爸,是我,贝拉〃
"出了什么事?"
这次我并没有责怪他总是假设我会出事的态度,我的说话声在颤抖.
"我很担心雅各布."
"为什么?"他问道,并没有想到我会谈论这个话题.
"我觉得......我觉得有些不寻常的事情发生了.雅各布曾告诉我,和他差不多大的男孩儿身上发生了奇怪的事.现在他也和他们一样奇怪,我有些害怕."
"是什么样的事情呢?"他显出了职业警方的查案时的语气.这样也好,起码他是在认真对待我所说的话.
"一开始，他受了惊吓；接着，他开始回避我；现在......我担心他加入了那个怪异的帮派，山姆的帮派，山姆.乌利的帮派.”
“山姆.乌利？”查理吃惊的重复了一遍。
“是的”
查理的语气变得轻松起来：“我想你是弄错了，贝尔。山姆.乌利是个好孩子。对了，他现在应该是个男子汉了，一个听话的儿子，你应该听比利谈起过他。他和其他的年轻人相处的不错。他是......”查理突然停下来，我猜他打算提及我在树丛走丢的那个晚上。我立即插上话。
“爸爸，并不是这样的，雅各布害怕他。”
“你对比利说过这件事吗？”他尝试着安慰我。一提到山姆，我就没办法让他警惕起来。
“比利和这件事无关。”
“好吧，贝拉，我确信一切正常，雅各布还是个孩子，也许他只是想多花点时间和朋友们在一起。我相信他一切正常，毕竟，他不可能每分每秒都和你在一起。”
“这事和我无关。”我坚持道，但我已经在这场口水战中败下阵来。
“我认为你不必担心，让比利照顾雅各布吧。”
“查理.....”我显得焦躁不安。
“贝尔，我手头有一大堆棘手的事情。又有两个游人在湖边失踪，”他焦虑的说道，“狼群造成的问题越来越难处理了。”
我一下子被他说的话吸引住了——确切地说，是被怔住了。狼群的对手是劳伦特，它们没理由能免于一死......
“你确定是狼群造成的失踪吗？”我问道。
“恐怕是的，亲爱的。有一些......”他犹豫一下，“又有一些脚印，还有......这次还有血迹。”
“噢！”这样看来，劳伦特和狼群并没有交手，他只是比它们跑得更快些。但是，为什么呢？我在草地上目睹的一切变得越来越奇怪——越来越难以理解。
“我得走了。别担心杰克，贝拉，我相信他没事。”
“好吧。”我简单地回答一切，思绪又转回到眼前最急迫的事情上来，“再见。”我挂上电话。
我盯着电话看了许久，无论如何我也要解决好这件事，我拨通了雅各布家的电话。
响了两声后，电话那头传来了比利的声音。
“你好。”
“嘿，比利，”我强忍住对他大吼的冲动，尽可能友好地问道，“能让雅各布听电话吗？”
“杰克不在。”
真是出乎意料：“你知道他去哪里了吗？”
“他和朋友们出去了。”比利小心翼翼地说道。
“哦，是吗？是我认识的朋友吗？”有奎尔吗？”我知道自己问这话是别有用心。
“没有。”比利慢慢的说，“他今天没和奎尔在一起。”
我最好不要提到山姆。
“有恩布里吗？”我问道。
比利似乎很乐意回答这个问题：“对，他和恩布里在一起。”
知道恩布里同他在一起就已经足够了。
“好吧，他回来了让他给我打个电话，好吗？”
“当然，没问题。”电话断了。
“再见，比利。”我对着挂断的电话自言自语道。
我开车去拉普西，决定等待雅各布的出现。我会在他家门口等上一夜，即使逃课我也要等着他。总有一天他会回家，等他回来了，我要和他说个明白。（话说，我怎么觉得这里的bella脑子不太对）
我一心想着雅各布的事情，原以为危险重重的路途似乎变得特别短。还没有等我反应过来，森林就消失在视野之中，很快我就能看到专属地上那一排排房屋。
一个戴着棒球帽的高个子男孩儿在马路左边走着。
我一时激动得几乎无法呼吸，幸运之神终于眷顾我了，让我这么容易就撞见了雅各布。但是，这个男孩儿比他更魁梧，帽下的头发也比他短。尽管只看到了背影，我确定这个人是奎尔，他比我上次见到他时更高大了。这些奎鲁特男孩儿怎么长的这么快？难道他们吃了什么成长激素？
我在他身边停下车，他听到汽车声后抬起了头。
奎尔的表情不仅让我吃惊，更让我害怕。他面色阴郁，垂头丧气，眉头紧锁。
“噢，嘿，贝拉。”他无精打采地打了个招呼。
“你好，奎尔.....你还好吗？”
他犹豫地看着我：“还好。”
“我能在你一程吗？”我提议道。
“当然。”他绕到车门前，坐到了副驾驶的位子上。
“去哪里？”
“我家在北边，超市后面。”他告诉我。
“你今天见到雅各布了吗？”他的话音刚落，我就迫不及待地问道。
我充满期待地看着奎尔，等着他的回答。他望着车窗外，过了很久才说道：“从远处看到他了。”
“从远处？”我重复着。
“我想跟着他们——他和恩布里在一起.”他的声音很小，差不多被引擎的声音盖住。我朝他靠得更近一些，“我知道他们看到我了，但是他们转身钻进树林里。我想一定还有其他人——山姆那帮人一定都在那里。”我从树林里转悠了一个小时，大声地呼唤他们。你碰到我的时候，我刚从树林里出来。“
”看来真是山姆改变了他。“我咬牙切齿，连话都说不清楚。
奎尔盯着我：”你也知道这件事？”
我点点头：“杰克告诉过我.....以前告诉过我。”
“以前。”奎尔叹了口气。
“雅各布现在的情况是不是和其他男孩儿一样糟？”
“在这之前——他是不是避开所有人？是不是心烦意乱？”
他的声音低沉而粗哑：“也许有一天是这个样子，不像其他人一样经历了很长时间，然后山姆找到了他。”
“你觉得是怎么一回事呢？是毒品吗？还是其他什么？”
“我想雅各布和恩布里不会碰那玩意儿......可我又能知道什么呢？还有其他的可能性吗？为什么大人们一点都不着急呢？”他摇摇头，眼神中闪现一丝恐惧，“雅各布不想成为这个......帮派的一份子，我真搞不懂是什么改变了他。”他盯着我，惊恐万分地说：“我不想成为下一个。”
我看出了他的恐慌，这是我第二次听到有人称它为帮派，不禁一阵哆嗦：“你的父母帮得上忙吗？”
他沮丧地说：“我的祖父和雅各布的父亲都是议会成员。在我祖父眼里，山姆.乌利是这一带最值得骄傲的人物。”
我们对视良久，在空无一人的道路上，我的车几乎是在爬行。我们到了拉普西，镇上唯一的一家商店就在不远处。
“我就在这里下车，”奎尔说道，“我家就在那边。”他指了指商店后面一座小小的木头房子。我在路边停了下来，他跳下车。
“我去等雅各布。”我坚定地对他说道
“祝你好运。”他关上车门，慢吞吞地朝前面走去。他耸拉着脑袋，肩膀无力地垂下来。
我调转车头，朝专属地开去。一路上，奎尔的愁容在我的脑海里挥之不去。他如此惧怕成为下一个目标，这里究竟发生了什么事？
我在雅各布家门口停住车，摇下车窗。天气很闷，一点风也没有。我把脚搁在仪盘表上，开始等待。
一个黑影突然在眼前晃了晃——我转过头看见比利正站在窗户边满脸疑惑地看着我。我朝他挥挥手，不自然地笑了笑，仍待在车里没有出去。
他皱了皱眉头，拉下了窗帘。
不管多久我都会等下去，但我得做点事情打发时间。我从背包里掏出一支笔和一张废纸，心不在焉地在上面乱画起来。
我刚画完一串菱形的图案，突然听见有人叩响车门。
我吓了一跳，抬起头来，以为是比利。
“你在这干嘛，贝拉？”传来雅各布粗鲁的声音。
我惊愕的盯着他。
雅各布在这几个星期里简直像变了一个人。我第一眼注意到的是他的头发——柔顺的头发全部剪掉了，一层短短的平头就像是盖在头上的深色缎子。脸上的线条僵硬、紧绷......看上去老了很多。他的颈和肩也有些不同，似乎比以前壮实了许多。他双手抓着窗框，手掌厚实宽大，筋腱和血管在深褐色的皮肤下清晰可见，但是，外表上的改变还不算明显。
让人感到陌生的是他的表情。那张开朗、友善的笑脸消失得无影无踪，以前温和的眼神变成了充满怨恨的仇视，令我无所适从。眼前的雅各布完全是一个阴郁的人，我的世界里的唯一一束阳光如今也被阴霾取代。
“雅各布？”我低声说道。
他瞪着我，目光中带着一丝紧张和愠怒。
我意识到他身边还有四个人，他们无一例外的都是高高的个头、深色的皮肤，黑发就像雅各布一样剃得短短的。他们就像是同胞兄弟——我甚至看不出哪一个是恩布里，眼光中的敌意使他们更加相似。
只有一个人的眼光与众不同。他们中最年长的山姆站在最后面，他看上去平静而自信。我按耐住内心的愤怒，我真想上前揍他一拳，不，我想变得残暴凶狠，没有人敢与我对抗，这样，我就能镇住山姆·乌利。
我想变成吸血鬼。
但是，我听见自己轻柔的声音。
“对不起，我以前不能......也许我现在能改变对你的感受，雅各布。”我绝望极了，这句真心话听上去就像是想方设法捏造出来的谎言，“也许......我能改变，”我低声说道，“也许，如果你再给我点时间......请不要放弃我，杰克，我会受不了。”
他的脸色一瞬间由愤怒转变为痛苦，仍在颤抖的一只手向我伸过来。
“不，别这样想，贝拉。不要责怪你自己，不要以为这是你的错。这次全是我的错，我发誓，更你无关。”
“不是你，是我，”我说道，“是我的错。”
“说真的，贝拉。我不再......”他努力控制自己的情绪，声音愈发的嘶哑，眼神痛苦不堪，“我不再配做你的朋友或者其他什么人。我已经不是从前的我，我不是好人。”
“什么？”我惊恐地盯着他，“你说什么？你比我强多了，杰克。你很好！谁说你不是好人？山姆说的吗？这是恶毒的谎话，雅各布！别让他就这样说服你！”我突然间又嚷了起来。
雅各布是我脸色恢复了起初的僵硬：“不需要别人这样说，我知道我是怎样一个人。”
“你是我的朋友，这才是你！杰克——不要走！”
他渐渐退后
“对不起，贝拉。”他又一次道歉，这次，声音变得断续而含糊。他转过身，迅速地跑进屋。
我站在原地一动不动，盯着眼前这所小小的房子，这么小的一所房子竟然能容纳四个身材魁梧的男孩儿和两个比他们更加高大的男人。屋子里没什么动静，没有人撩起窗帘，没有说话声，没有脚步声，就好像是一间空房子。
天空开始下起毛毛细雨，雨滴像针一样叮着我的肌肤，我目不转睛地盯着房子。雅各布会出来的，他必须出来。
雨越下越猛，风越刮越凶。雨滴似乎不是从天而降，而是从西面飘过来，风中夹杂着海水的咸味。我的头发拍打着脸庞，湿漉漉地贴在脸上，和睫毛黏在一起，遮挡住我的视野。我等待着。
终于，门开了，我欣喜地走上前。
比利滑着轮椅出来了，就他一个人而已。
“查理打来电话，贝拉，我告诉他你在回家的路上。”他用同情的目光看着我。
他用同情来表示一切就此打住。我什么也没说，机械地转过身，钻进了车里。我之前没有关车窗，座椅已经被雨水浸得透湿。无所谓，反正我已经浑身湿透。
不算太糟！不算太糟！！我安慰自己。的确，事情还不算太糟，至少不是世界末日，只不过是结束了原本就很短暂的宁静生活，仅此而已。
不算太糟，我承认，但是，也已经够糟了！！
我原以为杰克能治愈我胸口的漏洞——至少能填补这个空缺，不让它继续伤害我，我错了。
他在我的胸前又凿开了一个洞，现在的我已经千疮百孔，就像是一片瑞士干酪，总有一天我会粉身碎骨。
查理在门廊上等我，一看见我的车，他就奔上前来。
“比利打来电话，他说你和杰克吵架了——说你非常伤心。”他边说边给我打开车门。
他瞧了瞧我，脸上立刻路出震惊的表情。我真想看看自己现在的模样，看看到底是什么让他如此诧异。我能感觉到脸上的茫然和冰凉，一定是这种表情让他会想到什么。（咳~~bella也不好过啊，我估计这和以后的跳崖也有莫大的关系）
“事情不是这样的。”我低声说道。
查理搂着我的肩膀，将我从车里扶出来，他也没问我怎么会弄得像只落汤鸡。
“发生了什么事？”一进屋他就问道。他拉下沙发靠背上的一条毛毯盖在我的肩上，我发现自己还在打着冷战。
我有气无力地说道：“山姆·乌利说雅各布不能做朋友。”
查理疑惑地看着我：“谁告诉你的？”
“雅各布。”虽然他没有亲口对我这么说，但这是明摆着的事实。
查理紧皱着眉头：“你真觉得山姆有问题？”
“真的。但是雅各布不肯告诉我是怎么回事。”我听见衣服上的水滴落在地毯上的声音，“我去换件衣服。”
查理若有所思。“好吧。”他心不在焉地应了一句。
我冷得要命，决定先洗个澡，但是热水似乎也不能让我感到暖和。我仍然浑身冰冷，干脆关掉水不洗了。四周安静下来，我听见查理在楼下说话，我裹着浴巾悄悄地走出浴室。
我听出查理很生气：“我才不会相信呢，根本就不可能。”
四周又安静下来，我意识到他是在打电话，一分钟过去了。
“不要把责任推到贝拉身上！”查理突然叫道，我吓了一跳。再次说话时，他尽量压低嗓门，担心让我听到。“一直以来。贝拉都清楚地表示他和雅各布只是朋友......好吧，如果是这样的话，你为什么不早说？不，比利，我认为她是对的......因为我了解我的女儿，如果他说雅各布之前受到惊吓......”他的话被中途打断，过了一会而，他又控制不住嚷了起来。
“你说我不了解自己的女儿是什么意思！”他停了下来，听着电话那头的人说话，接着，他用我几乎听不到的声音说道：“你想让他回想起以前的事情，别做梦了。她刚刚熬过了所有的痛苦，我知道雅各布帮了不少忙。如果雅各布和山姆搞出了什么名堂让他又回到从前的样子，我绝对饶不了雅各布。你是我的朋友，比利。但是这件事伤害了我的家人。”
他又停下来听比利说话。
“你听清楚——那帮小子做任何事我都会知道。我们会盯着他们，这一点你不用怀疑。”他不再是查理，而是斯旺警长。
“好吧，就这样，再见。”他狠狠地挂上电话。
我踮起脚尖快速地穿过走廊回到房间，查理在厨房里气呼呼地自言自语。
比利肯定会责怪我，是我误导了雅各布，令他越陷越深，终于忍无可忍。
但我觉得有些奇怪。以前我也这样担心过，但是，即使雅各布说了很多绝情的话，我仍不相信这是真的。这件事远非单恋这么简单，而且比利也没有必要出面说是雅各布一厢情愿。我敢肯定，他们是在保守什么秘密，而且这个秘密远远超出我的想象。不管怎样，查理现在站在我这一边。
我穿上睡衣爬到床上。生活是如此阴沉黑暗，那个洞——如今应该是两个洞——正隐隐作痛，怎么会不疼呢？我回忆着过去发生的点点滴滴——不是那些深深刺痛我的过去，而是不久前出现在我脑海中的爱德华的声音——我的脑子就像录音机一样反复播放着他的声音知道我渐渐入睡，泪水仍止不住地滑落脸颊。
晚上我做了一个不同以往的梦。天下着雨，雅各布在我身边不声不响地走着，而我的脚步声却咯吱咯吱作响。他不是我的那个雅各布，这个雅各布有着陌生的模样，面露愁容。动作格外优雅、敏捷，他轻盈平稳的步态令我联想到另一个人。渐渐的，他的容貌开始改变，深褐色的皮肤褪了色，脸上毫无生气、苍白如骨；眼睛是金色的，一会儿又变成了血红色，一会儿又恢复成金色；头发缠绕在一起，在微风的吹拂下变成了青铜色。他的脸蛋十分俊俏，让我怦然心动。我朝他伸出手，他却向后退了一步，抬起了双手像盾牌一样挡住我。然后，爱德华就消失了。
当我在一片漆黑中醒来时，眼角充满泪水。我不清楚自己是梦醒哭泣还是哭到梦醒，我盯着黑糊糊的天花板，此刻已经是深夜时分——我半梦半醒、昏昏欲睡。我疲惫地闭上眼睛，祈求一个无梦的夜晚。
就在这时，我听见一阵声响，刚才一定是这个声音打断了我的梦境。我房间的窗户被尖锐的东西刮出了刺耳的响声，就像是手指甲在玻璃上划过的摩擦声。