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Ghetto Comedies

Chapter 5
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fifteen thousand roubles were soon collected for the governor, but even before they were presented to him the rabbi, in mortal terror of that firebrand of a david, had rushed to inquire whether self-defence was legal, and might the talmud-torah hall be legitimately used for drilling. sharp came an order that jews found with firearms or in conclave for non-religious purposes should be summarily shot. and so, when the shtadlonim arrived with the fifteen thousand roubles, the governor was able to point out severely that if a pogrom did occur they would have only themselves to blame. the jews of milovka had begun to carry pistols like revolutionaries; they planned illegal assemblies in halls; was it to be wondered at if the league of true russians grew restive? however, he would do his best with these inadequate roubles to have extra precautions taken, but let them root out the evil weeds that had sprung up in their midst, else even his authority might be overborne by the righteous indignation of the loyal children of the little father. tremblingly the ambassadors crept back with their empty money-bags.

poor david now found it impossible to get anybody to a meeting. his landlord had forbidden any more gatherings in the inn, and his original audience would have called as a deputation upon david to beg him to withdraw from the town, but that might have been considered a conspirative meeting. so one of the ambassadors was sent to inform the landlord instead.

'don't you think i've already ordered him off my premises?'

[389]'but he is still here!'

'alas! he threatens to shoot me—or anybody who massers (informs),' said the poor landlord.

the ambassador shivered.

'as if i would betray a brother-in-israel!' added the landlord reproachfully.

'no, no—of course not,' said the ambassador. 'these fellows are best left alone; they wear fuses under their waistcoats instead of tsitsith (ritual fringes). let us hope, however, a sudden death may rid us of him.'

'amen,' said the landlord fervently.

not that david had any reason for clinging to so squalid a hostel. but his blood was up, and he took a malicious pleasure in inflicting his perilous presence upon his prudential host.

reduced now to buttonholing individuals, he consoled himself with the thought that the population was best tackled by units. one fool or coward was enough to infect or betray a whole gathering.

still intent on the sinews of war, he sallied out after breakfast, and approached erbstein the banker. erbstein held up his hands. 'but i've just given a thousand roubles to guard us from a pogrom!'

'that was for the governor. give me only a hundred for self-defence.'

the banker puffed tranquilly at his big cigar. 'but our rights are bound to come in the end. we can only get them gradually. full rights now are nonsense—impossible. it is bad tactics to ask for what you cannot get. only in common with russia can our emancipation——'

'i am not talking of our rights, but of our lives.' david grew impatient.

[390]being a banker, erbstein never listened, though he invariably replied. his success in finance had made him an authority upon religion and politics.

'trust the octobrists,' he said cheerily.

'i'd rather trust our revolvers.'

the banker's cigar fell from his mouth.

'an anarchist! like my nephew simon!'

david began to realize the limitations of the financial intellect. he saw that to get ideas into bankers' brains is even more difficult than to get cheques from their pockets. still, there was that promising scapegrace simon! he hurried out on his scent, and ran him to earth in a cosy house near the town gate. simon practised law, it appeared, and his surname was rubensky.

the young barrister, informed of his uncle's accusation of anarchism, laughed contemptuously. 'bourgeois! every idea that makes no money he calls anarchy. as a matter of fact, i'm the exact opposite of an anarchist: i'm a socialist. i belong to the p.p.s. we're not even revolutionary like the s.r.'s.'

'i'm afraid i'm a great ignoramus,' said david. 'i don't even know what all these letters stand for.'

simon rubensky looked pityingly as at a bourgeois.

's.r.'s are the silly social revolutionists; i belong to the polish party of socialism.'

'ah!' said david, with an air of comprehension. 'and i belong to the jewish party of self-defence! i hope you'll join it too.'

the young lawyer shook his head. 'a separate jewish party! no, no! that would be putting back the clock of history. the non-isolation of the jew is [391]an unconditional historic necessity. our emancipation must be worked out in common with russia's.'

'oh, then you agree with your uncle!'

'with that bourgeois! never! but we are poles of the mosaic faith—jewish poles, not polish jews.'

'the hooligans are murdering both impartially.'

'and the intellectuals equally,' rejoined simon.

'but the intellectuals will triumph over the reactionaries,' said david passionately, 'and then both will trample on the jews. didn't the hungarian jews join kossuth? and yet after hungary's freedom was won——'

simon's wife and sister here entered the room, and he introduced david smilingly as a ghetto reactionary. the young women—sober-clad students from a swiss university—opened wide shocked eyes.

'so young, too!' simon's wife murmured wonderingly.

'would you have me stand by and see our people murdered?'

'certainly,' she said, 'rather than see the zeitgeist set back. the unconditional historic necessity will carry us on of itself towards a better social state.'

'there you go with your marx and your hegel!' cried simon's sister. 'i object to your historic materialism. with fichte, i assert——'

'she is an s.r.,' simon interrupted her to explain.

'ah,' said david. 'not a p.p.s. like you and your wife.'

'simon, did you tell him i was a p.p.s.?' inquired his wife indignantly.

'no, no, of course not. a ghetto reactionary does [392]not understand modern politics. my wife is an s.d., i regret to say.'

'but i have heard of social democrats!' said david triumphantly.

simon's sister sniffed. 'of course! because they are a bourgeois party—risking nothing, waiting passively till the revolution drops into their hands.'

'the name of bourgeois would be better applied to those who include the landed peasants among their forces,' said simon's wife angrily.

'if i might venture to suggest,' said david soothingly, 'all these differences would be immaterial if you joined the samooborona. i could make excellent use of you ladies in the ambulance department.'

'outrageous!' cried simon angrily. 'our place is shoulder to shoulder with our fellow-poles.'

simon's sister intervened gently. perhaps the mention of ambulances had awakened sympathy in her s.r. soul. 'you ought to look among your own party,' she said.

'my party?'

'the ghetto reactionaries—zionists, territorialists, itoists, or whatever they call themselves nowadays.'

'are there any here?' cried david eagerly.

'one heard of nothing else,' cried simon bitterly. 'fortunately, when the police found they weren't really emigrating to zion or uganda, the meetings were stopped.'

david eagerly took down names. simon particularly recommended two young men, grodsky and lerkoff, who had at least the grace of socialism.

but grodsky, david found, had his own panacea. 'only the s.s.'s,' he said, 'can save israel.'

[393]'what are s.s.'s?' david asked.

'socialistes sionistes.'

'but can't there be socialism outside zion?'

'of course. we have evolved from zionism. the unconditional historic necessity is for a land, but not for a particular land. our minsk members already call themselves s.t.'s—socialist territorialists.'

'but while awaiting your territory, there are the hooligans,' david reminded him. 'simon rubensky thought you would be a good man for the self-defence corps.'

'join rubensky! a p.p.s.! never will i associate with a bourgeois like that!'

'he isn't joining.'

the s.s. hesitated. 'i must consult my fellow-members. i must write to headquarters.'

'letters do not travel very quickly or safely nowadays.'

'but party discipline is everything,' urged grodsky.

david left him, and hunted up lerkoff, who proved to be a doctor.

'i want to get together a samooborona branch,' he explained. 'herr grodsky has half promised——'

'that bourgeois!' cried lerkoff in disgust. 'we can have nothing to do with traitors like that!'

'why are they traitors?' david asked.

'all territorialists are traitors. we poali zion must jealously guard the sacred flame of socialism and nationality, since only in palestine can our social problem be solved.'

'why only in palestine?' inquired david mildly.

the p.z. glared. 'palestine is an unconditional historic necessity. the attempt to form a jewish [394]state elsewhere can only result in failure and disappointment. do you not see how the folk-instinct leads them to palestine? no less than four thousand have gone there this year.'

'and a hundred and fifty thousand to america. how about that folk-instinct?'

'oh, these are the mere bourgeois. i see you are an americanist assimilator.'

'i am no more an a.a. than i am a z.z.,' said david tartly, adding with a smile, 'if there is such a thing as a z.z.'

'would to heaven there were not!' said lerkoff fervently. 'it is these miserable zioni-zionists, with their incapacity for political concepts, who——'

milovka, amid all its medievalism, possessed a few incongruous telephones, and one of these now started ringing violently in dr. lerkoff's study.

'ah!' he exclaimed, 'talk of the devil. there is a man who combines all the worst qualities of the z.z.'s and the mizrachi. he also imagines he has a throat disease due to swallowing flecks of the furs he deals in.' after which harangue he collogued amiably with his patient, and said he would come instantly.

'hasn't he the disease, then?' asked david.

'he has no disease except too much vanity and too much money.'

'while you cure him of the first, i should like to try my hand at the second,' said david laughingly.

'oh, i'll introduce you, if you let me off.'

'you i don't ask for money, but your medical services would be invaluable. milovka is in danger.'

'milovka to the deuce!' cried lerkoff. 'our future lies not in russia.'

[395]'i talk of our present. do let me appoint you army surgeon.'

'next year—in jerusalem!' replied the doctor airily.

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