"if the cook should steal the teapot"

"i would have her locked up and punished!" the reader undoubtedly exclaims as he notes our title. it is hardly likely, however, that he realizes the possible significance of such an undertaking. for the edification, therefore, of those who have cooks and teapots, and in order to be forewarned, if not fore-armed, let us suppose that the worthy mr. appleboy has not only the domestic necessary for our case, but also a family heirloom which is worth more than twenty-five dollars, the requisite value to make its abstraction, with felonious intent, grand larceny in the second degree.

mr. appleboy, after a moderately hard day's work, has been for an hour at the club, and is now ascending his front steps. as he is about to place the key in the door, he observes his cook, maria, making her exit from the area with some large object concealed beneath her shawl. a flash from the dying sun, setting over the elevated railroad tracks of sixth avenue, betrays a telltale protruding spout. maria does not perceive her master, but the latter, being of an inquiring disposition, descends the steps and follows her down the street. she hurries along upon her journey until, reaching[pg 103] eighth avenue, she turns the corner and enters a pawnshop. mr. appleboy, puffing, follows hard, and opens the door just as maria is in the act of receiving from the pawnbroker the sum of ten dollars. she has the money in one hand, the teapot in the other; she is caught in flagrante delicto, or, in the modern equivalent, "with the goods on."

maria shrieks and calls upon the saints. appleboy, purple from his exertions, pounds the floor with his gold-headed cane and fiercely inquires what she means by going off with his silver teapot. in reply maria falls on her knees, breaks into tears, and confesses her crime, offering no excuse, and suggesting no palliating circumstance. she implores his forgiveness, but appleboy, righteously indignant, is obdurate. she could have stolen anything but his grandmother's teapot, and he would have overlooked it. the pawnbroker, who takes but a mild interest in the proceedings, merely seizes the opportunity to remove from the cook's unresisting fingers the roll of bills.

appleboy resolves to do his duty. he will set an example of good citizenship—he will have her arrested, locked up, and sent to prison.

"summon a policeman!" he cries to the indifferent pawnbroker.

"get one yourself!" replies the other.

appleboy starts for the door, keeping one eye on the prostrate maria. two blocks distant he sees a stalwart officer in the act of conversing affably with a street cleaner. at this moment an urchin notices maria couchant upon the floor. an expansive grin takes possession of his features, and, placing his fingers to his mouth, he emits a shrill whistle.[pg 104] instantly, like a flight of vultures, a small army of boys descend upon appleboy, who now decides that the only way to procure the policeman is to shout for him. in his embarrassment he yells: "stop thief! stop thief! police!" but the officer pays no attention. he is discussing tommy sullivan's chowder party of the night before.

"say, mister, i'll get the copper for ye," shouts some little fellow, and starts on a run up the avenue. a few follow him and quickly corral the officer, who, protesting, dawdles slowly in the direction of mr. appleboy, swinging his club, and apparently taking little interest in their remarks. meantime, the pawnbroker has shut and locked the door. maria, within, is still in a state of coma. the much-annoyed old gentleman is fast being surrounded by a dense throng of loafers, tradesmen, ladies of the neighborhood and pedestrians, while the street is blocked with vagrant cabs and grocery carts. he wishes he were at home in his comfortable library, but realizes that he is in for it now, and must stick it out.

"well, what do you want?" demands the officer, pushing his way through the crowd until he confronts the innocent cause of the disturbance. "what are yer makin' all this row about, and blockin' up the street fer?"

"maria, my cook, stole my silver teapot," answers mr. appleboy. "i caught her trying to sell it in there. i ask that you place her under arrest."

"what's yer name?" asks the policeman. "who are yer anyway?" the crowd cheers delightedly, for while the copper is not popular in the neighborhood, an old swell like this is "nuts" for everybody.

"i am a citizen and a taxpayer," replies mr.[pg 105] appleboy stiffly, "and i insist upon your doing your duty and arresting this woman."

"aw, come on now and give us yer name," continues the officer. "you can't expec' me t'arrest a person unless i know who i'm doin' it fer. how do i know yer ain't throwin' some game into me?"

at this moment one of the boys shies a banana peel at mr. appleboy's tall hat. the latter, seeing his disadvantage, responds:

"my name is silas appleboy, and i am a taxpayer and a freeholder. i demand that you arrest this woman." the policeman, somewhat impressed by the other's vehemence and the statement that he is a freeholder (the meaning of which the official naturally does not understand), inquires a little more genially where the lady is.

"in that shop," replies her master. the crowd, with a whoop, rushes at the door, but the pawnbroker is standing inside in an attitude of defence. the policeman, closely followed by appleboy, pushes his way through the mob, and raps loudly.

"stand back there, now," shouts the officer, waving his club. the small boys shrink back, leaving appleboy in the centre of the ring. the pawnbroker opens the door. maria is upon her knees, calling vaguely upon heaven to defend her. the silver teapot reposes upon the counter. the officer grasps maria roughly by the shoulder and yanks her to her feet.

"get up there and pull yerself together!" he exclaims. "what's yer name?"

"me name is maria holohan," she replies hysterically.

[pg 106]

"do yer know that man?" continues the officer, pointing at appleboy.

"shure, i know him," is the answer. "haven't i worked for him for fourteen years?"

"did you steal his teapot?" asked the officer.

"oh, holy mother! holy mother!" wails maria. "i took a dhrop too much, an' shure i didn't know what i was doin' at all, at all."

"well, the first thing you'll do," remarks the officer, "'ll be to walk to the house. come on, now!" and forthwith he drags maria to the door, and, holding her firmly by the wrist, marches her upon the sidewalk. mr. appleboy, the teapot clasped to his bosom, follows immediately behind. their appearance is greeted with vociferous approval by the waiting crowd, who fall in and escort the group towards the police station. but maria's strength fails her, and, presently, with a groan she collapses. perhaps the drop too much has taken effect in her legs. at all events, despite the efforts of the officer, she refuses to move, and remains limp. the crowd has now become so dense as entirely to obstruct all traffic in the street, long lines of electric cars leading in each direction up the avenue, motor-men and conductors forming a strong adjunct to those giving gratuitous advice. two grocery wagons get their wheels locked in the throng. some one telephones to the station house. at last the distant clanging of the patrol is heard. the crowd scatters, the carts and cabs extricate themselves, and the "hurry-up wagon" backs to the sidewalk with a flourish, two more coppers swinging on behind. they bundle maria unceremoniously inside, escort her erstwhile employer with hardly more courtesy[pg 107] into the same vehicle, and toss in the teapot: the gong rings: and mr. appleboy starts upon his task of bringing an evil-doer to justice, and proving himself worthy of the proud title of citizen.

the drive to the station seems hours long, and the fumes of whiskey are very evident upon maria. the officers are taciturn. the nose has been knocked off the teapot. mr. appleboy, holding himself tense in his seat, endeavors not to be jostled against the lady who has, previously, cooked his meals. now and again she addresses him in no complimentary terms. she has by this time reached the belligerent stage, although she has no thought of denying her guilt.

the wagon draws up with a jerk in front of the precinct station house. into a second crowd of gamins and loafers, appleboy, still clutching the noseless teapot, emerges. he is followed by two policemen, half carrying, half supporting maria. the doorman allows the party to enter, while repelling the inquisitive throng who would like to accompany them.

once inside, maria and her master, little distinction being made between them, are brought before the sergeant, who reclines behind a desk upon an elevated platform. this official interrogates mr. appleboy somewhat brusquely as to his name, address and the charge which he makes against the defendant, laboriously copying the answers in the "blotter." maria, petrified with terror, absolutely refuses to answer any questions, and mutters incoherently to herself. the sergeant, satisfied of mr. appleboy's respectability by reason of his highly polished hat and gold-headed cane, commits the[pg 108] prisoner to a cell to await the hearing before the magistrate on the following morning. as the charge is one of felony, and as none of her friends as yet know of her detention or arrest, the question of her release upon bail does not arise, and after the sergeant has directed mr. appleboy to attend at the nearest police court the next morning at half-past eight punctually, that gentleman escapes down the steps of the precinct house, feeling that he has lived through untold ages of misery. the crowd cheers him as he descends, and he hastens homeward, the joy of release tempered only by the prospective agony of the morrow. the noseless teapot remains in the custody of the sergeant at the station house.

we can imagine appleboy telling the story to his wife and children. how heroically he figures in his own account of the proceedings! how picturesquely penitent is maria! how dramatic her capture in the very act of disposing of the stolen property! how the policemen cower at the majestic appleboy's approach! by the time the old fellow has taken his coffee and lighted his perfecto he is almost restored to his former condition of pompous dignity. his intention to vindicate his position as a freeholder and to see that the law shall take its course is revived, and he dreams of maria hurtling through the abyss with dozens of silver teapots tied about her ample neck.

delay the first

the next morning appleboy orders his carriage and drives in state to the police court. his tall hat secures him easy access to a long room with a[pg 109] low ceiling, in which the air is full of strange odors.

across the end of the court, two-thirds of the way towards the front, stretches an iron grating through which a gate admits police officers, local politicians, lawyers and the witnesses in any examination actually in progress. he enters the room exactly at eight-thirty. already it is crowded, and, having no business inside the gate, he is forced to sit upon a bench in company with various friends of the divers defendants who have been committed during the night.

it is early as yet, and a substantial breakfast has put mr. appleboy in an optimistic frame of mind. once the judge arrives how quickly the case will be disposed of and our hero receive the thanks of the magistrate for acting as he has done! but alas! already a long file of officers is forming at the left of the desk behind the grating. each officer has located at a safe distance one or more "drunks" or "disorderlies" whom he has gathered in during the preceding evening, and who have spent the night in the station house. the officers have recently come off post and now are waiting sleepily for the arrival of the magistrate to dispose of "the watch."

by a quarter to nine the line has reached immense proportions. twenty officers stand in single file and the procession of prisoners reaches to the doorway of the cells. in the meantime the jam in the room itself has become greater, and the heat and odors more oppressive. mr. appleboy wipes his brow with his silk handkerchief. he wishes he had brought his wife's smelling salts.

[pg 110]

presently he discerns amid the crowd inside the railing the now familiar features of pat, the officer, who beckons him to come within.

our friend rises to his feet to obey, but instantly another officer bawls: "sit down there, you!" and appleboy collapses.

"hi, there, rounds, let that old guy in, will ye?" asks pat good-naturedly.

the roundsman condescendingly nods to the grizzled guardian of the gate, who holds it open just wide enough to allow our hero to squeeze through.

"mornin'," remarks pat, chewing vigorously.

"good-morning, officer," replies appleboy. "where is the prisoner?"

"she came in the wagon half an hour ago," says pat. "step up while he makes out the complaint. after that we'll arrange her."

so pat and his complainant join the mob which is besieging the clerk's desk, and finally secure enough of that functionary's scattered attention to induce him to draw up a brief statement of the facts in the case. pat disappears into the cells to emerge in a few minutes, escorting the bewildered maria. she is then "arranged," which in police parlance is to say she is arraigned. she has no counsel, and evidently supposes her interrogator to be the judge, for she insists on addressing him as "yer onner." the clerk briefly warns her of her rights and puts the few necessary questions, which maria answers in a quavering voice. it is obvious that she expects to be at once deported to sing sing or the "island."

"name?"

"maria holohan, yer onner."

[pg 111]

"address?"

"two east seventy-first strate, yer onner, wid this man here." (indicating appleboy.)

"occupation?"

"shure, 'tis his cook, oi am." ("housework" puts down the clerk.)

"how long have you lived at this last address?"

"fourteen year, yer onner, come st. michael's day."

"what have you to say, if anything, relative to the charge against you?"

(maria mutters incoherently) "shure oi took the taypot, all right, all right."

"guilty?" asks the clerk.

"guilty," whispers maria.

"that's all," says the other. "stand back there and give some one else a chance."

pat, holding the papers in his hands, escorts maria to the end of the line, and appleboy returns to his seat. in his deposition he has stated that his occupation is that of "bank president" and he has instantly observed a change of attitude in those about him. "rounds" even expels two unsavory characters for the purpose of making room for him in the front row.

in a moment more the judge enters hurriedly, takes his seat at the desk, and begins rapidly to dispose of the file of prisoners before him. one after another the officers press forward, make a brief statement of the circumstances of the arrest, and the prisoner is led away with a fine, a lecture, or a sentence of a few days in the workhouse. there is no opportunity for other cases until all the "disorderlies" and street-walkers have been dealt with.[pg 112] half-past nine comes, quarter of ten and ten o'clock, the hour at which mr. appleboy usually makes a leisurely descent to his office, but still there is no respite. the monotonous business continues. but mr. appleboy's time is valuable, and he begins to fume and fidget. he thinks of the dollars he is losing by performing his duty as a citizen.

pat has gradually neared the desk. at length there is but one more case to be heard, and the "rounds" summons our hero once more inside. maria is thrust in front of the platform and stands with her hands on the rail. it has seemed an easy thing to mr. appleboy for a complainant to tell his story, and he has smiled scornfully to himself at the wandering and unconvincing statements he has heard during the morning, but as he is pushed upon the platform under the sharp eye of the magistrate, his courage begins to ooze out of him. he wishes again for the hundredth time he had let maria go off with the old teapot. the very thought of tea sickens him.

"next," calls the "rounds," as a dowdy young woman is led away, weeping hysterically.

pat hands up the papers.

"maria holohan," mutters the judge, running his eye over the "information." "stole a teapot,—um—um—is this the defendant?"

"he indentifies her," answers pat.

the judge turns to appleboy.

"are you the complainant?" he asks briskly.

"y-e-e-s," answers our hero, "i am. this is my cook."

"that will do," says the magistrate. "answer only the questions that are put to you. do you[pg 113] swear that the statements contained in this complaint are the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, god?"

"i do," replies appleboy with vigor.

luckily for appleboy, no lawyer appears for the delinquent maria. unfamiliar with all the vagaries and devices of the criminal law, this lady, realizing that she has been caught red-handed, foolishly supposes that there is nothing for her to do but to cry for forgiveness and beg for mercy.

"do you desire counsel?" asks the judge.

maria stares vaguely.

"have ye got a lawyer?" interprets the nearest copper.

"don't want no lawyer!" snaps maria.

"i see you plead guilty," says the judge.

"shure," she answers.

"well," says the magistrate, "as she pleads guilty, i will not detain you further. your cook, eh? well, well, it's too bad! why will they do such things? i am glad you did not lose the teapot. that is all."

maria is led away, while mr. appleboy descends from the platform, to be followed by some other righteously indignant complainant.

the whole transaction has occupied less than a minute and a half. in order to accomplish it, mr. appleboy has remained in court from half-past eight in the morning until a quarter to twelve.

"thank goodness," he says to himself, "it is all over now. the rest will be plain sailing." ah, how little do the appleboys know of the administration of criminal justice! pat accompanies him to his carriage, expressing regret that the matter could not[pg 114] have been disposed of more speedily. appleboy is not ungenerous. he always tips the colored porter in the sleeping-car most liberally, but although it is obvious, possibly, that pat would like a drink and some cigars, appleboy, believing that by accommodating him he would be committing a felony or, at least, a misdemeanor, coldly bids him good-afternoon, and patrick, crestfallen, returns to the precinct house.

meanwhile the magistrate fixes bail for maria at five hundred dollars, and the teapot is tagged and returned to the custody of the sergeant at the station. tired out, but feeling that "a duty well performed is a rainbow to the heart," mr. appleboy seeks the bosom of his family.

delay the second

cookless, the appleboys struggle through the following week. it is in the height of the season and cooks are scarce; they are also ill-tempered; and in five days mrs. appleboy has tried and dismissed three. the family, dinnerless, nightly seek a neighboring restaurant, and endeavor to console themselves with the theatre. but after the fourth night this bores them. they begin to long for maria's omelets and irish stew. after fourteen years one gets used to a particular kind of pudding.

"i almost wish," said appleboy to his wife when they are alone, "that i had not done anything about maria, but just let her come back and cook for us. i don't think she would have tried to steal the teapot a second time."

"but how do you know, silas?" replies his wife. "think of the orgies that may have been going on in the kitchen in the last fourteen years!"

[pg 115]

"true, true," answers appleboy, and again renews his determination to see the thing through to the bitter end. then mr. appleboy receives at his office a green slip calling for his attendance on the morrow before the grand jury of the county of new york, promptly at ten o'clock. he has never been to the criminal courts building in his life. he only supposes vaguely that it is situated somewhere near the "wholesale district" and not far from the italian quarter. he associates it with trips to chinatown, the east side and the bowery.

after being thoroughly shaken up by a long journey over the cobblestones in his carriage, mr. appleboy finds himself on franklin street, between the tombs, on the one hand, and the criminal courts building upon the other. over his head runs "the bridge of sighs." a congregation of loafers, lawyers, runners, policemen and reporters linger upon the sidewalk. unfamiliar with the means of entrance and exit, appleboy turns the corner and climbs two long flights of stone steps upon the outside of the building instead of utilizing the side entrance upon the ground floor and taking the elevator. he enters an enormous hall around which, on all four sides, corridors reach to the top of the building. a motley collection of people are hurrying hither and thither. after some difficulty, appleboy discovers a lift packed with odoriferous italians, men with bandaged eyes and faces, small, half-clad children, and divers persons smoking enormous, evil-smelling cigars, whom he later discovers to be members of the legal profession. the car stops at the third floor.

[pg 116]

"district attorney and grand jury," calls the elevator man. "grand jury to the right."

appleboy gets off with the rest of the mob, and wanders down a narrow corridor past rows of offices, until he comes to a policeman standing by the door of a small room crowded with people. there is hardly space to breathe, much less to sit down. from time to time a bell jingles in the distance, a door into another room opens, somebody comes out, and an officer calls out a name. its owner hastily responds, is shot through the door into the other room, and the door closes again. this process goes on interminably. in a corner, clerks separated by a railing are busily engaged in making out subp?nas and filling in certificates of attendance. police officers are everywhere. appleboy takes his stand by the door. it is half-past ten o'clock. he has no means of knowing when he will be summoned before the august body who are deliberating in the next room. he has a craving to smoke, although he makes it a rule never to do so before six o'clock in the afternoon. he has left his newspaper at home, and has yielded up his subp?na to the officer at the door. there is nothing to occupy his attention except the sour visages of those about him. they belong to a class of people who instinctively fill him with disgust, being representatives of what appleboy and his wife are accustomed to term the "masses."

person after person is summoned into the other room, but no one seems to want the banker. pat is there, to be sure, but he is at his usual pastime, enjoying the delights of mastication. he no longer has any "use" for appleboy. at about a quarter-[pg 117]past eleven, the officer beside the outer door calls the name of silas appleboy. our hero, believing that at last his turn has arrived, starts from his seat, only to be directed to "come here!" by the officer. he discovers that he has been summoned to confer with a representative of the district attorney, who invites him into a neighboring office.

"mr. appleboy," says this young gentleman when the two are comfortably seated, "i see by the papers in the case that a maria holohan stole a teapot from you. under what circumstances was the theft committed?"

mr. appleboy, who supposes that the merits of his case have been long since known personally to the district attorney, commences at the beginning and rehearses all his woes and difficulties. the assistant listens courteously, and then, without comment, bows appleboy out, who returns once more to the ante-chamber of the grand jury. his seat has, meanwhile, been usurped by a corpulent lady in deep mourning, and its former occupant is forced to stand in the corridor for an hour longer. during this period he perchance has the annoyance of hearing pat remark to a fellow officer in no uncertain tones that "the old guy is no good—a 'dead one'—i didn't even get a smoke off him."

the ante-chamber gradually has been thinning out. finally appleboy gets a seat. the bell keeps on ringing until only he and a man with a broken nose are left. at last a policeman hurries out of the open door, the bell rings again, and the clerk at the desk shouts "appleboy! appleboy!" appleboy arises.

"right in through that door," directs the clerk,[pg 118] and mr. appleboy, shrinking, enters timidly the chamber of horrors and finds himself in the centre of a semi-circle of gentlemen of varying ages and appearance. to appleboy a thousand eyes seem peering at him from every side. the silence is appalling. he stands, silk hat in hand, feeling like a very small boy who has been called before the head master to be punished for some offence. a man in the middle of the semi-circle and directly in front of him, is scratching busily with his pen. the grand jurors whisper among themselves. presently the foreman looks up, observes appleboy standing, and remarks: "sit down, sir." mr. appleboy sinks into a chair beside the stenographer. the foreman glances at the indictment already prepared, and then says sharply: "stand up, sir,—and be sworn!"

a bible is forced into his unenthusiastic hand.

"you do solemnly swear the evidence you shall give to the grand inquest upon the complaint against maria holohan shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: so help you, god!"

mr. appleboy replies faintly: "i do," and makes an ineffectual attempt to kiss the bible.

"sit down!" directs his interlocutor. "ahem! you had a teapot worth over fifty dollars, and your cook stole it? did you see her?"

"yes," answers appleboy, and in a few words describes the occurrence. the foreman sweeps the grand jury with his eye.

"any questions?" he asks. there is no response from the others.

"that is all, sir," says the foreman. "i see that[pg 119] the woman pleaded guilty in the police court. good-morning."

appleboy takes his hat and retires. two hours' wait for an examination occupying thirty seconds! he has heard of the "law's delays," now he knows what they are. the bell rings again as he is making his way out into the corridor, and the man with the broken nose stumbles in through the door by which our friend has made his exit.

delay the third

mr. appleboy now believes that his troubles are over, for he has consulted his family lawyer in order to make sure that everything is all right, and has learned that since maria has pleaded guilty in the police court, she will, after her indictment, undoubtedly do likewise in the general sessions.

two days later appleboy receives a subp?na to attend in "part i of the court of general sessions of the peace" as complainant in the case of "the people of the state of new york against maria holohan." down he goes and sits for a full hour in an ice-cold court-room which is thronged with policemen, irate complainants, and sympathizing friends of the defendants, until, among the line of bedraggled prisoners, who are brought in batches of from four to six from the tombs through a little door in the back of the room, he recognizes the erstwhile queen of his kitchen—maria, the unapproachable. she looks much the worse for wear. the feathers of her hat hang disconsolate. in addition she is minus her collar and goes clumping around the room after the policeman as if she had never broiled a lobster or tossed a flapjack. as she turns the cor[pg 120]ner by the jury box she spies her lawyer, and immediately brightens. they hold an animated conversation in whispers as he takes his place beside her at the bar.

"maria holohan," says the clerk severely, "you have been indicted by the grand jury for grand larceny in the first degree. do you plead guilty or not guilty?"

appleboy starts from his seat almost ready to call out in explanation: "she pleads guilty, your honor," but before he has an opportunity to do so, or to suffer any of the uncomfortable consequences of such an act, the weazened-faced little attorney representing maria responds sharply: "not guilty."

appleboy is stunned. why, the woman has already confessed her guilt, after having been caught in the act! what absurdity! what nonsense! but the plea is taken; the lawyer asks that a date be set for trial not nearer than a week on the ground that he may conclude upon investigation to advise his client to change her plea, and because he has a witness living outside the state; and the court grants this application.

not guilty! as maria tramps out in company with other defendants, appleboy makes up his mind that he will see what all this means, and steps forward through the gate to speak in person to the representative of the district attorney. a hand is laid upon his shoulder, and he is hauled back unceremoniously.

"here! where are you going?"

"i want to speak to the district attorney," he replies meekly.

"sit down," replies the officer. "he can't speak[pg 121] to you now. look him up in his office after court adjourns."

mr. appleboy, chastened by experience, makes no protest and retires from the room. he has lost too much money already by absence from his office to make it worth his while to wait until the adjournment of the court, so he goes down town to attend to his business, and at the first opportunity calls up his attorney to inquire what it all means. the lawyer responds briefly that the mere fact that the defendant has pleaded guilty in the police court does not preclude her from changing her mind and denying her guilt later when called upon to plead to an indictment. he regrets the inconvenience to which his client has been put, and suggests by implication that it would have been well if mr. appleboy had consulted him before taking any action in the matter. appleboy has already come to this conclusion himself.

delay the fourth

a week later appleboy receives another subp?na which commands him under penalty to call at the district attorney's office at half after ten o'clock and "ask to see" mr. john smith, whom he finds, after some difficulty, in a little office in the same building and corridor through which he passed when he appeared before the grand jury.

"is this mr. smith?" he inquires.

"yes," answers the young man. "what do you want?"

"i have a subp?na," replies the other, "to see you this morning."

"oh, yes, i remember," remarks the assistant.[pg 122] "you're in the holohan case, aren't you? woman stole your teapot, didn't she?"

"yes," mutters mr. appleboy, "she did, some time ago. what can i do for you?"

"well, i want you to tell me about the case," mildly explains the assistant. "who's maria holohan, anyway?"

so appleboy begins at the beginning and tells the whole story through, while, from time to time, the assistant laughs softly to himself. when the history is concluded, the young man leans back in his chair, blows a ring of smoke towards the ceiling and exclaims: "that's always the way! some miserable little shyster gets hold of 'em in the tombs and swears that he can get 'em off, no matter how plain the facts are, or even if they have pleaded guilty in the police court. well, i'll make a note of the case, and when it comes up for trial you'll get a subp?na. sorry to have had to bother you. good-morning!"

delay the fifth

appleboy departs. three days later he gets another subp?na to appear before the court of general sessions. when the case is called, however, maria's lawyer gets up and moves for an inspection of the grand jury minutes upon the ground that there was not sufficient evidence before that body to warrant the finding of an indictment. the judge denies this motion peremptorily, since there has already been a hearing in the police court. upon this the attorney states that he is actually engaged in a trial of another action elsewhere. the case therefore "goes over," of necessity. nearly three weeks have now elapsed since the theft. presently[pg 123] appleboy gets another subp?na. he trots down to court half an hour before the opening. the case is marked "ready." he is told to remain in court, but some other case is already on trial, having lasted over from the day before, and at noon it is still in full swing. the court adjourns for an hour, from one to two. appleboy returns obediently at that time, but the case which was on trial in the morning continues throughout the entire afternoon. he departs at four o'clock, furious.

next morning he is dragged down again. this time, however, the case against holohan is adjourned without date, owing to the fact that maria's counsel has applied to the court for a commission to take testimony in boston. they intimate that they may interpose the defence of insanity, or at least dipsomania, and evince an unaccountable eagerness to examine maria's great aunt, who is acting as general housework girl for a minister's family in roxbury, mass. the district attorney strenuously opposes this motion. the judge, however, "takes the papers," as he is obliged to assume that the request is made in good faith.

delay the sixth

appleboy hears nothing of the case for another week. at the end of that time he gets a subp?na of a different color, and again journeys down to court. but this time he first seeks out smith in his office and asks if there is any likelihood of the case being tried that day. mr. smith, whose room is thronged with witnesses, tells mr. appleboy that he is no longer assigned to that part of the general sessions on whose calendar the case appears, and[pg 124] that another assistant, mr. jones, will have to try the case. he therefore conducts mr. appleboy to an adjoining office and presents him to jones.

the latter receives appleboy courteously and assures him that he will try the holohan case the very first of all. they talk the matter over and unite in their objurgations against defendants' lawyers in general. jones, however, is confident that this time they will succeed in disposing of the matter. they adjourn together to the court-room. but on the call of the calendar maria's lawyer claims that one of his most material witnesses is absent, and that without him his client's interests would be jeopardized. the judge, who by this time has correctly gauged the situation, nevertheless directs him to go on with the case. the lawyer then states that he has had a bad night and feels very unwell. the judge continues unsympathetic. the assistant is openly skeptical. the attorney thereupon is suddenly taken with great pain and retires for air to the corridor outside the court-room. nothing can be done. perhaps the lawyer really has a pain.

the assistant shrugs his shoulders and announces that he will move the case of michael angelo spaghetti, indicted for assault; the defendant is ordered to the bar, and the court directs the clerk to announce that "no other case will be tried" that day.

appleboy drags himself with the rest of the throng through the door into the corridor. this is the third time he has practically given up an entire morning to appearing as complainant in a case which seems fated never to be tried. he goes downstairs swearing vengeance against maria and her[pg 125] lawyer. this performance is repeated possibly some four or five times more with variations. but he never gets nearer than having the case marked "ready," and something always intervenes, maria's lawyer exhibiting an almost supernatural cleverness in the invention of excuses.

on all these occasions, while awaiting the call of the calendar, appleboy is likely to sit in close proximity to the defendant, who has been released on bail pending her trial, and who casts withering glances in his direction. her brother terence also seizes the opportunity presented by the various adjournments to tell appleboy what he thinks of him and what he intends to do to him after the case has been disposed of.

the district attorney has done everything in his power to force the defence to trial, but his every attempt has been unavailing. nevertheless, appleboy blames him personally for every idiosyncrasy of the law and for every delay procured by the defence.

delay the seventh

it was now the end of june. mr. appleboy has planned to take his family abroad, but, although the annual adjournment of court for vacation is at hand, through the dilatory tactics of maria's pettifogging counsel, the case is still untried.

appleboy had been in attendance at court eleven separate times, but the only satisfaction which he receives is the assurance that he will be paid fifty cents for each one of his subp?nas. he is by this time so disgusted with the whole business and has taken such a fierce dislike to all judges, district at[pg 126]torneys, policemen and lawyers, that he would long ago have thrown up the case had it not been for the fact that he has a vague idea that in so doing he might be compounding a felony. his desire to set an example as a model citizen has long since evaporated. countless members of the holohan family beset him at home and at the office, beseeching him for clemency.

it is possible that without consulting the district attorney, and under the assumption that he must remain at hand as a witness, he gives up europe and takes a house on the mosquito coast instead. his wife is very unpleasant about it. she hints that appleboy need not have been so vindictive in the first place. after he has cancelled his passage, and the whole family are safely ensconced for the summer, appleboy discovers that cases in which the defendants have been released upon bail are not tried during july, august, and september. appleboy's feeling can be easily imagined. it is needless to say that he does not impart the information to his lady.

the summer proves generally unsatisfactory. the visits of maria's family and their efforts to persuade him not to prosecute are redoubled. most of them are domestics on their evenings "out," plentiful of tears and reproaches. it is impossible to escape them. he also receives numerous letters from the lady's attorney suggesting that he call at the latter's office. these he has systematically ignored.

delay the eighth

october comes. the family return. once more the familiar subp?na is served upon our hero at his office. at the sight of it he scowls fiercely as he[pg 127] watches the white smoke sailing up the air shaft into the azure of the sky. it is a beautiful autumn day. he recalls the police court, and the grand jury, the criminal courts building, the general sessions, and maria and terence, and his miserable summer! vestryman appleboy mutters something very much resembling profanity. he thinks: "if i had not tried to punish that cook for stealing the teapot, why!—i might be spending to-day in rome or paris!" the next morning, however, finds him once more on his dreary way to court.

he consults jones again upstairs, who promises by all that is holy that nothing shall prevent a trial. the case is marked "ready," without opposition, and the assistant district attorney moves the indictment.

"maria holohan to the bar!" calls the clerk, as a jury is rapidly empanelled.

appleboy is exultant. he is to reap the reward of virtue and fidelity to principle. at last the criminal is to be made to pay the penalty. he looks eagerly for maria.

"holohan! maria holohan!" reiterates the clerk.

but maria comes not.

"call her in the corridor," directs the judge to the officer at the door.

there is a sudden silence in the court-room. no response is heard outside.

the assistant district attorney says something to the judge, who nods to the clerk.

"maria holohan, come forth and answer pursuant to the terms of your recognizance or your recognizance will be forfeited," shouts that official.

there is no reply.

[pg 128]

"terence holohan, bring forth maria holohan, for whom you are bound pursuant to the terms of your recognizance, or your recognizance will be forfeited," solemnly intones the clerk.

terence arises and comes slowly forward from where he has been sitting.

"are you the bondsman in this case?" asks the clerk.

"oi am!" replies terence.

"where is the defendant?"

terence looked sheepish.

"where is the defendant?" repeats the clerk sharply.

"in ireland! bad cess to her!" answers terence. "and divil a bit can oi bring her forth," he murmurs, "whin she's in the ould country!"

"forfeit the bail!" orders the judge.

appleboy grasps the arm of the assistant.

"what's the trouble?" he asks anxiously.

"she's skipped!" answers the other with a grim laugh. "that's all."

"h—l!—i mean, thank god!" exclaims vestryman appleboy.

this, gentle reader, is what might happen to you if your cook should steal the teapot.