that a taste for fruit is inherent in man is an opinion which is sanctioned by the conduct of man in all ages and in all countries. while some nations have considered it profanation or pollution to nourish themselves with flesh or solace themselves with fish, while almost every member of the animal creation has in turn been considered either sacred or unclean, mankind, in all climes and in all countries, the hindoo and the hebrew, the egyptian and the greek, the roman and the frank, have, in some degree, made good their boastful claim to reason, by universally feeding upon those delightful productions of nature which are nourished with the dews of heaven, and which live for ever in its breath.

and, indeed, when we consider how exceedingly refreshing at all times is the flavour of fruit; how very natural, and, in a manner, born in him, is man’s inclination for it; how little it is calculated to pall upon his senses; and how conducive, when not eaten to excess, it is to his health, as well as to his pleasure; we must not be surprised that a conviction of its excellence should have been one of those few subjects on which men have never disagreed.

that some countries are more favoured in their fruit than others is a fact so notorious that its notice is unnecessary; but we are not therefore to suppose that their appetite for it is more keen than the appetite of other nations for their fruit who live in less genial climes. indeed, if we were not led to believe that all nations are inspired by an equal love for this production, it might occasionally be suspected that some of those nations who are least skilful as horticulturists evince a greater passion for their inferior growths than more fortunate people for their choicer produce. the effects of bad fruit, however, upon the constitution, and consequently upon the national character, are so injurious that every liberal man must regret that any people, either from ignorance or obligation, should be forced to have recourse to anything so fatal, and must feel that it is the duty of everyone who professes to be a philanthropist to propagate and encourage a taste for good fruit throughout all countries of the globe.

a vast number of centuries before popanilla had the fortune to lose his mistress’s lock of hair, and consequently to become an ambassador to vraibleusia, the inhabitants of that island, then scarcely more civilised than their new allies of fantaisie were at present, suffered very considerably from the trash which they devoured, from that innate taste for fruit already noticed. in fact, although there are antiquaries who pretend that the vraibleusians possessed some of the species of wild plums and apples even at that early period, the majority of inquirers are disposed to believe that their desserts were solely confined to the wildest berries, horse-chestnuts, and acorns.

a tradition runs, that while they were committing these abominations a ship, one of the first ships that had ever touched at the island, arrived at the present port of hubbabub, then a spacious and shipless bay. the master of the vessel, on being brought before the king (for the story i am recording happened long before the construction of the miraculous statue), presented, with his right hand, to his majesty, a small pyramidal substance of a golden hue, which seemed to spring out of green and purple leaves. his majesty did not exactly understand the intention of this ceremony; but of course, like a true legitimate, construed it into a symbol of homage. no sooner had the king brought the unknown substance near to his eyes, with the intention of scrutinising its nature, than the fragrance was so delightful that by mistake he applied it to his mouth. the king, only took one mouthful, and then, with a cry of rapture, instantly handed the delicacy to his favourite, who, to the great mortification of the secretary of state, finished it. the stranger, however, immediately supplied the surrounding courtiers from a basket which was slung on his left arm; and no sooner had they all tasted his gift than they fell upon their knees to worship him, vowing that the distributor of such delight must be more than man. if this avowal be considered absurd and extraordinary in this present age of philosophy, we must not forget to make due allowance for the palates of individuals who, having been so long accustomed merely to horse-chestnuts and acorns, suddenly, for the first time in their lives, tasted pine-apple.

the stranger, with an air of great humility, disclaimed their proffered adoration, and told them that, far from being superior to common mortals, he was, on the contrary, one of the lowliest of the human race; in fact, he did not wish to conceal it; in spite of his vessel and his attendants, he was merely a market-gardener on a great scale. this beautiful fruit he had recently discovered in the east, to which quarter of the world he annually travelled in order to obtain a sufficient quantity to supply the great western hemisphere, of which he himself was a native. accident had driven him, with one of his ships, into the island of vraibleusia; and, as the islanders appeared to be pleased with his cargo, he said that he should have great pleasure in supplying them at present and receiving their orders for the future.

the proposition was greeted with enthusiasm, the king immediately entered into a contract with the market-gardener on his own terms. the sale, or cultivation, or even the eating of all other fruits was declared high-treason, and pine-apple, for weighty reasons duly recited in the royal proclamation, announced as the established fruit of the realm. the cargo, under the superintendence of some of the most trusty of the crew, was unshipped for the immediate supply of the island; and the merchant and his customers parted, mutually delighted and mutually profited.

time flew on. the civilisation of vraibleusia was progressive, as civilisation always is; and the taste for pine-apples ever on the increase, as the taste for pine-apples ever should be. the supply was regular and excellent, the prices reasonable, and the tradesmen civil. they, of course, had not failed to advance in fair proportion with the national prosperity. their numbers had much increased as well as their customers. fresh agents arrived with every fresh cargo. they had long quitted the stalls with which they had been contented on their first settlement in the island, and now were the dapper owners of neat depots in all parts of the kingdom where depots could find customers.

a few more centuries, and affairs began to change. all that i have related as matter of fact, and which certainly is not better authenticated than many other things that happened two or three thousand years ago, which, however, the most sceptical will not presume to maintain did not take place, was treated as the most idle and ridiculous fable by the dealers in pine-apples themselves. they said that they knew nothing about a market-gardener; that they were, and had always been, the subjects of the greatest prince in the world, compared with whom all other crowned heads ranked merely as subjects did with their immediate sovereigns. this prince, they said, lived in the most delicious region in the world, and the fruit which they imported could only be procured from his private gardens, where it sprang from one of the trees that had bloomed in the gardens of the hesperides. the vraibleusians were at first a little surprised at this information, but the old tradition of the market-gardener was certainly an improbable one; and the excellence of the fruit and the importance assumed by those who supplied it were deemed exceedingly good evidence of the truth of the present story. when the dealers had repeated their new tale for a certain number of years, there was not an individual in the island who in the slightest degree suspected its veracity. one more century, and no person had ever heard that any suspicions had ever existed.

the immediate agents of the prince of the world could, of course, be no common personages; and the servants of the gardener, who some centuries before had meekly disclaimed the proffered reverence of his delighted customers, now insisted upon constant adoration from every eater of pine-apples in the island. in spite, however, of the arrogance of the dealers, of their refusal to be responsible to the laws of the country in which they lived, and of the universal precedence which, on all occasions, was claimed even by the shop-boys, so decided was the taste which the vraibleusians had acquired for pine-apples that there is little doubt that, had the dealers in this delicious fruit been contented with the respect and influence and profit which were the consequences of their vocation, the vraibleusians would never have presumed to have grumbled at their arrogance or to have questioned their privileges. but the agents, wearied of the limited sphere to which their exertions were confined, and encouraged by the success which every new claim and pretence on their part invariably experienced, began to evince an inclination to interfere in other affairs besides those of fruit, and even expressed their willingness to undertake no less an office than the management of the statue.

a century or two were solely occupied by conflicts occasioned by the unreasonable ambition of these dealers in pine-apples. such great political effects could be produced by men apparently so unconnected with politics as market-gardeners! ever supported by the lower ranks, whom they supplied with fruit of the most exquisite flavour without charge, they were, for a long time, often the successful opponents, always the formidable adversaries, of the vraibleusian aristocracy, who were the objects of their envy and the victims of their rapaciousness. the government at last, by a vigorous effort, triumphed. in spite of the wishes of the majority of the nation, the whole of the dealers were one day expelled the island, and the managers of the statue immediately took possession of their establishments.

by distributing the stock of fruit which was on hand liberally, the government, for a short time, reconciled the people to the chance; but as their warehouses became daily less furnished they were daily reminded that, unless some system were soon adopted, the islanders must be deprived of a luxury to which they had been so long accustomed that its indulgence had, in fact, become a second nature. no one of the managers had the hardihood to propose a recurrence to horse-chestnuts. pride and fear alike forbade a return to their old purveyor. other fruits there were which, in spite of the contract with the market-gardener, had at various times been secretly introduced into the island; but they had never greatly flourished, and the statue was loth to recommend to the notice of his subjects productions an indulgence in which, through the instigation of the recently-expelled agents, it had so often denounced as detrimental to the health, and had so often discouraged by the severest punishments.

at this difficult and delicate crisis, when even expedients seemed exhausted and statesmen were at fault, the genius of an individual offered a substitute. an inventive mind discovered the power of propagating suckers. the expelled dealers had either been ignorant of this power, or had concealed their knowledge of it. they ever maintained that it was impossible for pine-apples to grow except in one spot, and that the whole earth must be supplied from the gardens of the palace of the prince of the world. now, the vraibleusians were flattered with the patriotic fancy of eating pine-apples of a home-growth; and the blessed fortune of that nation, which did not depend for their supply of fruit upon a foreign country, was eagerly expatiated on. secure from extortion and independent of caprice, the vraibleusians were no longer to be insulted by the presence of foreigners; who, while they violated their laws with impunity, referred the vraibleusians, when injured and complaining, to a foreign master.

no doubt this appeal to the patriotism, and the common sense, and the vanity of the nation would have been successful had not the produce of the suckers been both inferior in size and deficient in flavour. the vraibleusians tasted and shook their heads. the supply, too, was as imperfect as the article; for the government gardeners were but sorry horticulturists, and were ever making experiments and alterations in their modes of culture. the article was scarce, though the law had decreed it universal; and the vraibleusians were obliged to feed upon fruit which they considered at the same time both poor and expensive. they protested as strongly against the present system as its promulgators had protested against the former one, and they revenged themselves for their grievances by breaking the shop-windows.

as any result was preferable, in the view of the statue, to the re-introduction of foreign fruit and foreign agents, and as the managers considered it highly important that an indissoluble connection should in future exist between the government and so influential and profitable a branch of trade, they determined to adopt the most vigorous measures to infuse a taste for suckers in the discontented populace. but the eating of fruit being clearly a matter of taste, it is evidently a habit which should rather be encouraged by a plentiful supply of exquisite produce than enforced by the introduction of burning and bayonets. the consequences of the strong measures of the government were universal discontent and partial rebellion. the islanders, foolishly ascribing the miseries which they endured, not so much to the folly of the government as to the particular fruit through which the dissensions had originated, began to entertain a disgust for pine-apples altogether, and to sicken at the very mention of that production which had once occasioned them so much pleasure, and which had once commanded such decided admiration. they universally agreed that there were many other fruits in the world besides pine-apple which had been too long neglected. one dilated on the rich flavour of melon; another panegyrised pumpkin, and offered to make up by quantity for any slight deficiency in gout; cherries were not without their advocates; strawberries were not forgotten. one maintained that the fig had been pointed out for the established fruit of all countries; while another asked, with a reeling eye, whether they need go far to seek when a god had condescended to preside over the grape! in short, there was not a fruit which flourishes that did not find its votaries. strange to say, another foreign product, imported from a neighbouring country famous for its barrenness, counted the most; and the fruit faction which chiefly frightened the vraibleusian government was an acid set, who crammed themselves with crab-apples.

it was this party which first seriously and practically conceived the idea of utterly abolishing the ancient custom of eating pine-apples. while they themselves professed to devour no other fruit save crabs, they at the same time preached the doctrine of an universal fruit toleration, which they showed would be the necessary and natural consequence of the destruction of the old monopoly. influenced by these representations, the great body of the people openly joined the crab-apple men in their open attacks. the minority, who still retained a taste for pines, did not yield without an arduous though ineffectual struggle. during the riots occasioned by this rebellion the hall of audience was broken open, and the miraculous statue, which was reputed to have a great passion for pine-apples, dashed to the ground. the managers were either slain or disappeared. the whole affairs of the kingdom were conducted by a body called ‘the fruit committee;’ and thus a total revolution of the government of vraibleusia was occasioned by the prohibition of foreign pine-apples. what an argument in favour of free-trade!

every fruit, except that one which had so recently been supported by the influence of authority and the terrors of law, might now be seen and devoured in the streets of hubbabub. in one corner men were sucking oranges, as if they had lived their whole lives on salt: in another, stuffing pumpkin, like cannibals at their first child. here one took in at a mouthful a bunch of grapes, from which might have been pressed a good quart. another was lying on the ground from a surfeit of mulberries. the effect of this irrational excess will be conceived by the judicious reader. calcutta itself never suffered from a cholera morbus half so fearful. thousands were dying. were i thucydides or boccaccio, i would write pages on this plague. the commonwealth itself must soon have yielded its ghost, for all order had ceased throughout the island ever since they had deserted pine-apples. there was no government: anarchy alone was perfect. of the fruit committee, many of the members were dead or dying, and the rest were robbing orchards.

at this moment of disorganisation and dismay a stout soldier, one of the crab-apple faction, who had possessed sufficient command over himself, in spite of the seeming voracity of his appetite, not to indulge to a dangerous excess, made his way one morning into the old hall of audience, and there, groping about, succeeded in finding the golden head of the statue; which placing on the hilt of his sword, the point of which he had stuck in the pedestal, he announced to the city that he had discovered the secret of conversing with this wonderful piece of mechanism, and that in future he would take care of the health and fortune of the state.

there were some who thought it rather strange that the head-piece should possess the power of resuming its old functions, although deprived of the aid of the body which contained the greater portion of the machinery. as it was evidently well supported by the sword, they were not surprised that it should stand without the use of its legs. but the stout soldier was the only one in the island who enjoyed the blessing of health. he was fresh, vigorous, and vigilant; they, exhausted, weak, and careless of everything except cure. he soon took measures for the prevention of future mischief and for the cure of the present; and when his fellow-islanders had recovered, some were grateful, others fearful, and all obedient.

so long as the stout soldier lived, no dissensions on the subject of fruit ever broke out. although he himself never interfered in the sale of the article, and never attempted to create another monopoly, still, by his influence and authority, he prevented any excess being occasioned by the fruit toleration which was enjoyed. indeed, the vraibleusians themselves had suffered so severely from their late indiscretions that such excesses were not likely again to occur. people began to discover that it was not quite so easy a thing as they had imagined for every man to be his own fruiterer; and that gardening was a craft which, like others, required great study, long practice, and early experience. unable to supply themselves, the majority became the victims of quack traders. they sickened of spongy apricots, and foxy pears, and withered plums, and blighted apples, and tasteless berries. they at length suspected that a nation might fare better if its race of fruiterers were overseen and supported by the state, if their skill and their market were alike secured. although, no longer being tempted to suffer from a surfeit, the health of the islanders had consequently recovered, this was, after all, but a negative blessing, and they sadly missed a luxury once so reasonable and so refreshing. they sighed for an established fruit and a protected race of cultivators. but the stout soldier was so sworn an enemy to any government fruit, and so decided an admirer of the least delightful, that the people, having no desire of being forced to cat crab-apples, only longed for more delicious food in silence.

at length the stout soldier died, and on the night of his death the sword which had so long supported the pretended government snapped in twain. no arrangement existed for carrying on the administration of affairs. the master-mind was gone, without having imported the secret of conversing with the golden head to any successor. the people assembled in agitated crowds. each knew his neighbour’s thoughts without their being declared. all smacked their lips, and a cry for pine-apples rent the skies.

at this moment the aboriginal inhabitant appeared, and announced that in examining the old hall of audience, which had been long locked up, he had discovered in a corner, where they had been flung by the stout soldier when he stole away the head, the remaining portions of the statue; that they were quite uninjured, and that on fixing the head once more upon them, and winding up the works, he was delighted to find that this great work of his ancestor, under whose superintendence the nation had so flourished, resumed all its ancient functions. the people were in a state of mind for a miracle, and they hailed the joyful wonder with shouts of triumph. the state was placed under the provisional care of the aboriginal. all arrangements for its superintendence were left to his discretion, and its advice was instantly to be taken upon that subject which at present was nearest the people’s hearts.

but that subject was encompassed with difficulties. pine-apples could only be again procured by an application to the prince of the world, whose connection they had rejected, and by an introduction into the island of those foreign agents, who, now convinced that the vraibleusians could not exist without their presence, would be more arrogant and ambitious and turbulent than ever. indeed, the aboriginal feared that the management of the statue would be the sine qua non of negotiation with the prince. if this were granted, it was clear that vraibleusia must in future only rank as a dependent state of a foreign power, since the direction of the whole island would actually be at the will of the supplier of pine-apples. ah! this mysterious taste for fruit! in politics it has often occasioned infinite embarrassment.

at this critical moment the aboriginal received information that, although the eating of pine-apples had been utterly abolished, and although it was generally supposed that a specimen of this fruit had long ceased to exist in the country, nevertheless a body of persons, chiefly consisting of the descendants of the government gardeners who had succeeded the foreign agents, and who had never lost their taste for this pre-eminent fruit, had long been in the habit of secretly raising, for their private eating, pine-apples from the produce of those suckers which had originally excited such odium and occasioned such misfortunes. long practice, they said, and infinite study, had so perfected them in this art that they now succeeded in producing pine-apples which, both for size and flavour, were not inferior to the boasted produce of a foreign clime. their specimens verified their assertion, and the whole nation were invited to an instant trial. the long interval which had elapsed since any man had enjoyed a treat so agreeable lent, perhaps, an additional flavour to that which was really excellent; and so enraptured and enthusiastic were the great majority of the people that the propagators of suckers would have had no difficulty, had they pushed the point, in procuring as favourable and exclusive a contract as the market-gardener of ancient days.

but the aboriginal and his advisers were wisely mindful that the passions of a people are not arguments for legislation; and they felt conscious that when the first enthusiasm had subsided and when their appetites were somewhat satisfied, the discontented voices of many who had been long used to other fruits would be recognised even amidst the shouts of the majority. they therefore greatly qualified the contract between the nation and the present fruiterers. an universal toleration of fruit was allowed; but no man was to take office under government, or enter the services, or in any way become connected with the court, who was not supplied from the government depots.

since this happy restoration pine-apple has remained the established fruit of the island of vraibleusia; and, it must be confessed, has been found wonderfully conducive to the health and happiness of the islanders. some sectarians still remain obstinate, or tasteless enough to prefer pumpkin, or gorge the most acid apples, or chew the commonest pears; but they form a slight minority, which will gradually altogether disappear. the votaries of pine-apple pretend to observe the characteristic effect which such food produces upon the feeders. they denounce them as stupid, sour, and vulgar.

but while, notwithstanding an universal toleration, such an unanimity of taste apparently prevails throughout the island, as if fruit were a subject of such peculiar nicety that difference of opinion must necessarily rise among men, great fruit factions even now prevail in vraibleusia; and, what is more extraordinary, prevail even among the admirers of pine-apples themselves. of these, the most important is a sect which professes to discover a natural deficiency not only in all other fruits, but even in the finest pine-apples. fruit, they maintain, should never be eaten in the state in which nature yields it to man; and they consequently are indefatigable in prevailing upon the less discriminating part of mankind to heighten the flavour of their pine-apples with ginger, or even with pepper. although they profess to adopt these stimulants from the great admiration which they entertain for a high flavour, there are, nevertheless, some less ardent people who suspect that they rather have recourse to them from the weakness of their digestion.