friday 6 january

5.45 p.m. could not be more joyous. computer messaging re: presence or otherwise of skirt continued obsessively all afternoon. cannot imagine respected boss did stroke of work. weird scenario with perpetua (penultimate boss), since knew i was messaging and v. angry, but fact that was messaging ultimate boss gave self conflicting feelings of loyalty — distinctly un-level playing field where anyone with ounce of sense would say ultimate boss should hold sway.

last message read:

message jones

wish to send bouquet to ailing skirt over

weekend. please supply home contact no asap

as cannot, for obvious reasons, rely on

given spelling of 'jones' to search in file.

cleave

yesssss! yessssss' daniel cleaver wants my phone no. am marvellous. am irresistible sex goddess. hurrah!

sunday 8 january

9st 2 (v. bloody g. but what is point?), alcohol units 2 (excellent), cigarettes 7, calories 3100 (poor).

2 p.m. oh god, why am i so unattractive? cannot believe i convinced myself i was keeping the entire weekend free to work when in fact i was on permanent date-with-daniel standby. hideous, wasted two days glaring psychopathically at the phone, and eating things. why hasn't he ring? why? what's wrong with me? why ask for my phone number if he wasn't going to ring, and if he was going to ring surely he would & it over the weekend? must centre myself more. will ask jude about appropriate self-help book, possible eastern-religion-based.

8 p.m. phone call alert, which turned out to be just tom, asking if there was any telephonic progress. tom, who has taken, unflatteringly, to calling himself a hag-fag, has been sweetly supportive about the daniel crisis. tom has a theory that homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society. he indulged me while i obsessed to him about my unattractiveness crisis — precipitated, as i told him, first by bloody mark darcy then by bloody daniel at which point he said, i must say not particularly helpfully, 'mark darcy? but isn't he that famous lawyer — the human-rights guy?'

hmmm. well, anyway. what about my human right not to have to wander round with fearsome unattractiveness hang-up?

11 p.m. it is far too late for daniel to ring. v. sad and traumatized.