size matter s dan walked into first-period english on tuesday to find every guy in his class poring over some teen girl magazine. "what people don't realize is they look even bigger in person," chuck bass, dan's least favorite person at riverside prep and perhaps the world, observed from his usual place in the back of the classroom. chuck was wearing the army green military-style beret he'd picked up at west point that weekend. it was his favorite new accessory besides his pet snow monkey, which he carried with him everywhere, even to .the bathroom. chuck looked up. "am i right?" dan had the uneasy feeling that chuck was talking to him. "it's like they're full of helium or something," another boy added, leaning over chuck's desk to see. chuck shook his head. his dark hair had grown into a sort of chin-length man-bob that he swished around with obvious pride. "dude, if they were full of helium, she'd fucking float away." he squinted down at the magazine again, his gold monogrammed pinky ring glowing beneath the harsh classroom lights. then he looked up at dan again. "dude, she's your sister. what's her fucking deal?" dan's instinct was to tell chuck to go fuck himself, but since it involved his little sister, jenny, who often blundered into all kinds of trouble, he felt he ought to check it out for himself. he sat down on the desk in front of chuck's and put in loot up on the chair. on the floor, something wriggled inside chuck's orange prada messenger bag. suddenly a white head with eyes like golden marbles popped out. it was chuck's monkey, grinning devilishly. han glared at chuck. "what about my sister?" chuck smirked and handed over the magazine. "don't tell me you don't know about this." the magazine was open to a two-page spread entitled "does breast size matter?" the article was an earnest discussion of girls' social status based on breast size. apparently if you were flat-chested or supersized, you were more likely to be ostracized. ii you were buxom but not hideously so, you were a slut. popular girls tended to have nice, medium-sized 34bs. dan studied the picture. jenny and five other girls wearing matching blue jog bras and lycra shorts were lined up in breast-size tinier, biggest to smallest, in front of a volleyball net. the other girls were all models—blond, with cheesily perfect smiles, flat tummies, and golden tans. the girl next to jenny definitely had implants, but her chest still wasn't as big as jenny's one hundred percent naturals. jenny's chest looked abnormal and almost freakish, stuffed inside a jog bra that was way too small. worse still, she was sticking out her tongue and her big brown eyes were shining, like she was having the time of her life. "christ," dan muttered, and tossed the magazine back on chuck's desk, his hands beginning to sweat and shake as i hey always did when he needed a cigarette. he knew the article was intended to empower girls with big chests. there was jenny, looking freakish but proud of it. but that wouldn't stop every guy who saw the picture from ripping it out and writing some lewd comment underneath it before pasting it on the door of a bathroom stall. "says here eight out often guys prefer a gorgeous girl with average-size breasts over an average girl with supersize tits," chuck elaborated. thanks, captain asshole, sir. it was pretty obvious to dan that his sister was so eager to be a model, she hadn't thought about what the picture would actually look like. still, not long ago, a very compromising picture of jenny had been posted all over the internet. people had talked about it for a day or two, and then it had gone away. and jenny had never even seemed that bothered by it. she was like mr. magoo, running blindly into the most embarrassing, awkward situations, and then walking out of them, unscathed and blaming nobody. hopefully this would be the same, but just in case, dan felt obliged to warn her. jenny sat by herself near the mirrored wall in the back of the constance billard basement cafeteria, eating a grilled cheese sandwich with pickle slices. she concentrated on neatly lining the pickles up on top of the toasted bread, trying to pretend that she didn't mind eating alone. there was a strange stillness in the air that she couldn't quite explain, but every time she glanced up at the mirrors, all she saw were the heads of the other upper-school girls, bowed over their plates, eating quietly. stillness in the air that she couldn't quite explain, but every time she glanced up at the mirrors, all she saw were the heads of the other upper-school girls, bowed over their plates, eating quietly. "i heard she didn't even get paid to do it—she volunteered," vicky reinerson whispered. "but serena put her up to it, remember? in peer group?" mary goldberg hissed. "she was like, 'oh, jenny, anyone can he a supermodel.'" "easy for her to say," cassie inwirth agreed. "but it's not like i feel sorry for jenny. it's so obvious she just wants attention." "yeah, but nobody wants that kind of attention," vicky countered. the three girls stole a glance at the back of jenny's head. i low could she just sit there eating her lunch like nothing was wrong? jenny's cell phone rang quietly inside her bag. "hey," she answered without even checking who'd called. dan and elise wore the only ones who ever did anyway, and she and elise were no longer friends. she tucked the phone under her curly brown bob to hide it from the lunch ladies. "what's up?" "i'm just calling to check that you're okay," dan mumbled back. jenny stared at her reflection in the mirror. she'd worn pink metal barrettes in her hair today, and she thought she looked sort of retro and cool. "um, i think so." "so no one's, like, said anything to you or ...," dan faltered. "about what? why, did you do something weird, dan?" jenny accused. "about the photo of you in that magazine? the guys here all stole it from their sisters. they're putting it up in their lockers and stuff." a little shiver shot up jenny's spine. dan wouldn't be so concerned if the picture was as good as she thought it was. "did you see it? what's wrong with it?" he didn't respond. "dan!" jenny practically shouted. "what's wrong with it?" "it's just. . .," dan fumbled. "okay, the whole thing is about how girls with no chest or really big chests aren't popular. i guess the article is supposed to make you feel better, but you kind of look like a... circus freak next to the other girls. i mean, they basically made you look as big and freakish as possible." jenny slid the tray of food away and rested her head on the cold wooden table. no wonder the room seemed so quiet. everyone had been busy whispering about her, the big-boobed freak. yup. it was even worse than a stayfree ad. she was the circus freak. maybe she should just run away and live with her neurotic mom in europe or something. change her name. dye her hair orange. "jenny?" dan said gently. "i'm sorry." "never mind," jenny said miserably, and clicked off. she kept her head on the table, wishing she could just disappear. all of a sudden she felt a warm body next to hers and smelled serena's trademark signature essential-oil mixture. "hey sleepyhead. so, jonathan joyce—you know who he |s, right?—calls me, like, all excited about your polaroids. he knows we're pals and totally wants to shoot us together, like, later this week!" was this some sort of vicious joke? jenny squeezed her eyes shut as tight as they could go and tried to will serena away. "you'll get to keep some of the clothes," serena added. jenny raised her head and stood up shakily. "leave me alone," she murmured, then bolted out of the cafeteria to the nurse's office, where she planned to beg to be sent home. d's little furry friends "tooter, look at that!" tiphany put the ferret on her shoulder and waved his paw up and down at chuck bass's little white monkey. the monkey was wearing a tiny red t-shirt with the letter s monogrammed on it. "hey little monkey, wanna be my friend?" "tooter, look at that!" tiphany put the ferret on her shoulder and waved his paw up and down at chuck bass's little white monkey. the monkey was wearing a tiny red t-shirt with the letter s monogrammed on it. "hey little monkey, wanna be my friend?" "hey cutie, what's your name?" chuck came over and scratched tooter under the chin. he held his monkey up so the two animals were nose-to-nose. "i'm sweetie. and don't worry, i don't bite. i really am sweet." "i'm tooter," tiphany chirped in her version of a ferret voice. "and beware, i really can toot!" she added, cackling hilariously. dan pushed open the school doors and paused at the top of the steps. he hitched his black messenger bag onto his shoulder, squinting in the harsh april sunlight. all afternoon he'd been worrying about his little sister. jenny was probably at home right now, facedown on her bed, all alone. his house was only twenty blocks away; maybe he ought to go up there and try to cheer her up. then again, when jenny was upset, all she wanted was to be alone, same as him. it ran in the family. "hey hot stuff, over here!" tiphany shouted at him in her glass-shatteringly loud voice. down on the sidewalk stood vanessa, tiphany, and chuck bass. tiphany's ferret unit chuck's monkey were perched on their owners' shoulders grooming each other. "christ," dan muttered. maybe chuck would move in with them, too, and they could all be one big, happy family or maybe he'd just tell vanessa right now that he was going to stay at home for a while. his sister needed him. "may we escort you home?" vanessa stepped away from the group as dan came down the stairs with a sour expression on his face. she kissed him quickly on the cheek. "hoy pumpkin, don't look so pissed off all the time." dan had been acting pissed off and withdrawn ever since they'd moved in together and tiphany had turned up. it was getting a little tiring always having to be the upbeat one in the relationship. pumpkin? in only a matter of days vanessa had picked up tiphany's over-the-top, cheery way of talking, annoying dan even more. "i'm not pissed off," he grumbled, glaring at chuck and tiphany, who were bonding over their pets. "i'm just—" tiphany pointed her index fingers at him, like twin pistols, and pretended to shoot. "you know, danny boy, i think what your little sister did was totally rad. baring your tits is the boldest feminist statement a gal can make!" she'd braided the front of her hair and left the back in a sort of crazy purple-and-black rat's nest, which she probably thought was some big feminist statement, too. vanessa had tried not to look a moment ago when chuck showed tiphany the picture of jenny, but she couldn't help herself. and the funny thing was, she actually agreed with tiphany. jenny may not have looked like a model, but she definitely looked bold. "i think so, too," she agreed before she saw the look on dan's face. "she didn't bare anything," dan told them angrily. "jesus, she's only fourteen." "hey, that reminds me," vanessa said, eager to change the subject. "in case you forgot, it's my birthday this weekend. i'm gonna be eighteen!" dan frowned. he and vanessa had never made a big deal out of their birthdays before. "and i was thinking, now that we're living together, we could have a party!" vanessa continued. dan noticed there was a sort of purple glow to her hair that he hadn't seen before. "a party?" vanessa had always hated parties. this definitely had to be tiphany's idea. "it's gonna be rad!" tiphany shouted. she grabbed tooter's paw and pointed it at chuck's monkey. "you're coming, right?" she asked in her stupid ferret voice. "most definitely," chuck chattered like a monkey. fucking hell. "come on." vanessa pulled dan toward broadway. it was another sunny day and a steady stream of boys were making their way west toward the park. "first i want to do a few more interviews. then we can go home and send e-vites." "but—" "but—" dan let her pull him away, following along with leaden feet. he hated parties, and besides, they had no other friends. in total the guest list would consist of chuck, tiphany, chuck's monkey, tooter, and dan's social pariah of a sister, jenny. some party. vanessa poked him in the ribs. "come on, smile. you know you want to." "if you don't smile, i'm going to flash my tits at you," tiphany threatened, skipping along the sidewalk beside them in her purple-and-black-plaid john fluevog boots. she unzipped the camouflage-print army jacket she'd borrowed from ruby's closet and tucked tooter into her black tank top. "can i flash mine, too?" chuck joined in. his monkey had wrapped its long, snowy white tail twice around his neck. wearing his west point military beret, he and tiphany sort of matched. dan gritted his teeth and smiled weakly just to shut them up. "he smiled!" vanessa and tiphany shouted gleefully, and slapped each other five. here's what dan was really thinking as he continued to smile: evergreen college was way across the continent in the pacific northwest, where it rained a lot and people were depressed. he'd never seriously considered going there, but it was beginning to seem like paradise. n bares his... soul central park was the usual sunny afternoon mob scene of rollerbladers, skateboarders, frisbee throwers, and girls in bikini tops pretending they were on the beach in st. tropez. vanessa set up her camera in her usual spot by bethesda fountain. tiphany pulled tooter out of her shirt and began to bathe him in the water. dan hung back and bought one of those huge imitation ice cream cones from a vendor on the promenade. then he sat down on a park bench to wait for vanessa, praying tiphany would leave him be. "so i think i might be happy up at west point," chuck confided to vanessa's camera. "as long as i can find someone to keep sweetie nearby so i can visit her. and they don't make me shave my head—no offense. and i get a bigger bed than those dinky cots they make those poor losers sleep on." looks like he's in for a rude awakening. "mom promised to set me up an account at balducci's so they'll send me a box with brie and caviar and chocolate and cigars once a week," he added. "i'll miss my apartment, but it's better than nothing. . . ." his voice trailed off, and he stuck his face into the ruff of white fur on sweetie's neck. "west point," he said, his voice muffled. "west fucking point!" all of a sudden nate archibald appeared beside him and chuck looked up, grinning his obnoxious grin, like he hadn't almost just burst into tears. "i'm done if you want to go next," he said, clearly unwilling to bare his soul in front of another guy. he stood up and carried his monkey over to where tiphany was bathing tooter. "can i help?" he twittered in his monkey voice. nate shoved his hands in his khaki pants pockets and shifted from foot to foot. then he sat down in chuck's place. "i guess i really screwed up," he admitted to the camera. "i mean, my girlfriend's life is, like, a train wreck and i can't even call her." his green eyes looked sad as he watched tiphany rinse tooter off in the stream of water cascading from the fountain. "did you decide which college you want to go to yet?" vanessa prompted. she didn't mind hearing about this guy's love life, but the film was supposed to be about getting into college. nate frowned. "that's just the thing," he explained. "yale. i want to go to yale now." he shook his head and grinned unhappily down at the ground. "no way am i going to brown. and the other schools' lax teams just aren't as good. but if i go to yale and blair doesn't get off the waitlist . . ." he leaned back on his elbows and squinted up at the sky. "i know she was the one who said it, but i guess i believed it, too—that we'd always wind up married." he sat up again, took off his frayed maroon st. jude's baseball cap and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "now i don't know." believed it, too—that we'd always wind up married." he sat up again, took off his frayed maroon st. jude's baseball cap and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "now i don't know." "eee!" vanessa screamed, nearly dropping her camera. then she and tiphany burst into a fit of hysterical cackling. nate stood up, still deep in thought as he ambled away. over on his park bench dan tossed his ice cream in the trash and lit a cigarette. it was weird, but he and nate were almost thinking the same thing. he'd always thought he and vanessa would be together forever. now he wasn't so sure. gossipgirl.co.uk topics previous next post a question reply disclaimer: all the real names of places, people, and events have been altered or abbreviated to protect the innocent. namely, me. hey, people! glinda the good witch okay, so everyone wants a fairy godmother. well, a young buxom girl who hails from the upper west side and may or may not make the most embarrassing mistakes of her life on a weekly basis just happens to have one in the form of a tall, blond, beautiful senior. as we all know, s is the master of turning infamy into magic. don't look now, but j could just be the next jessica simpson! or better yet, the next s ... strange company one of the reasons most of us can't wait to go to college next year, no matter where we got in, is because we get to live on our own—without parents or nannies or housekeepers or bodyguards or anyone watching over us. even if some of us have our own wings or floors, or even * our own kitchens or whatever at home, the point is, we want out. unless, that is, you're already out of the house—like someone we know—and it's not working out because of certain uninvited guests ... the truth about liberty or lolita or whatever she's calling herself these days i'll tell you what i heard. that ferret-toting girl with the oddly braided purple-and-black hair? she used to be a nice girl. by that i mean she went to a good private girls' school on the upper east side, lived in a town house, and played tennis. senior year she decided to rebel, "forgot" to apply to college, dropped out of school, got disowned from her family, and started wandering the country giving piercings to make money. whenever she runs out of cash, she always comes back to town to mooch off her old friends and steal their clothes. and she's always so cheerful about it all, it usually takes a while for people to catch on. your e-mail dear gg, i'm the chief of obstetrics and gynecology at lenox hill hospital in the birth-and-delivery unit. i happened to be on the premises when a laboring woman was rushed in, escorted by her teenage daughter. only minutes later i was called away on another emergency, but i was so impressed with the way the daughter was coaching her mother, i wanted to find out her name so i could recommend her to yale's premed program, which is where i went. the mother was registered under the name rose, but i can't find the daughter anywhere. can you help? —drpepper dear drpepper, i think someone's day—no, life—is about to be made. —gg dear gg, don't you think it's kind of rude to, like, join a really exclusive sisterhood that really means something to the other members, and then, like, totally never even call the people or anything again? i mean, why join in the first place? —myowngrl dear myowngrl, didn't you ever do anything you regretted? —gg sightings b walking through sheep meadow wearing a burberry print snugli, her new baby sister all tucked up inside. looks like b's discovered her soft and furry side. s and a very famous fashion photographer choosing apparel in jeffrey for a shoot. there was a certain crystal-studded bustier that s simply does not have the goods for. either she's planning on getting implants, they're using falsies, or the bustier's for another girl.... n checking out the sterling silver baby gifts in tiffany & co. ho can buy me a rattle anytime. v and that black-and-purple-haired girl in a conga line with c and his monkey at the five and dime in williamsburg. no comment. and where was d? no comment. only one more day till the weekend, and i'm already hearing rumors about a party. you know you love me, gossip girl