at home

from infancy i was under the guardianship of a village parson, who made me the subject of daily prayer and the sufferer of innumerable stripes, using no distinction, as to these marks of paternal love, between myself and his own three boys. the result, it must be owned, has been very different in their cases and mine, they being all respectable men and well settled in life; the eldest as the successor to his father’s pulpit, the second as a physician, and the third as a partner in a wholesale shoe-store; while i, with better prospects than either of them, have run the course which this volume will describe. yet there is room for doubt whether i should have been any better contented with such success as theirs than with my own misfortunes — at least, till after my experience of the latter had made it too late for another trial.

my guardian had a name of considerable eminence, and fitter for the place it occupies in ecclesiastical history than for so frivolous a page as mine. in his own vicinity, among the lighter part of his hearers, he was called parson thumpcushion, from the very forcible gestures with which he illustrated his doctrines. certainly, if his powers as a preacher were to be estimated by the damage done to his pulpit-furniture, none of his living brethren, and but few dead ones, would have been worthy even to pronounce a benediction after him. such pounding and expounding the moment he began to grow warm, such slapping with his open palm, thumping with his closed fist, and banging with the whole weight of the great bible, convinced me that he held, in imagination, either the old nick or some unitarian infidel at bay, and belabored his unhappy cushion as proxy for those abominable adversaries. nothing but this exercise of the body while delivering his sermons could have supported the good parson’s health under the mental toil which they cost him in composition.

though parson thumpcushion had an upright heart, and some called it a warm one, he was invariably stern and severe, on principle, i suppose, to me. with late justice, though early enough, even now, to be tinctured with generosity i acknowledge him to have been a good and wise man after his own fashion. if his management failed as to myself, it succeeded with his three sons; nor, i must frankly say, could any mode of education with which it was possible for him to be acquainted have made me much better than what i was or led me to a happier fortune than the present. he could neither change the nature that god gave me nor adapt his own inflexible mind to my peculiar character. perhaps it was my chief misfortune that i had neither father nor mother alive; for parents have an instinctive sagacity in regard to the welfare of their children, and the child feels a confidence both in the wisdom and affection of his parents which he cannot transfer to any delegate of their duties, however conscientious. an orphan’s fate is hard, be he rich or poor. as for parson thumpcushion, whenever i see the old gentleman in my dreams he looks kindly and sorrowfully at me, holding out his hand as if each had something to forgive. with such kindness and such forgiveness, but without the sorrow, may our next meeting be!

i was a youth of gay and happy temperament, with an incorrigible levity of spirit, of no vicious propensities, sensible enough, but wayward and fanciful. what a character was this to be brought in contact with the stern old pilgrim spirit of my guardian! we were at variance on a thousand points; but our chief and final dispute arose from the pertinacity with which he insisted on my adopting a particular profession; while i, being heir to a moderate competence, had avowed my purpose of keeping aloof from the regular business of life. this would have been a dangerous resolution anywhere in the world; it was fatal in new england. there is a grossness in the conceptions of my countrymen; they will not be convinced that any good thing may consist with what they call idleness; they can anticipate nothing but evil of a young man who neither studies physic, law, nor gospel, nor opens a store, nor takes to farming, but manifests an incomprehensible disposition to be satisfied with what his father left him. the principle is excellent in its general influence, but most miserable in its effect on the few that violate it. i had a quick sensitiveness to public opinion, and felt as if it ranked me with the tavern haunters and town paupers — with the drunken poet who hawked his own fourth of july odes, and the broken soldier who had been good for nothing since last war. the consequence of all this was a piece of light-hearted desperation.

i do not over-estimate my notoriety when i take it for granted that many of my readers must have heard of me in the wild way of life which i adopted. the idea of becoming a wandering story-teller had been suggested, a year or two before, by an encounter with several merry vagabonds in a showman’s wagon, where they and i had sheltered ourselves during a summer shower. the project was not more extravagant than most which a young man forms. stranger ones are executed every day; and, not to mention my prototypes in the east, and the wandering orators and poets whom my own ears have heard, i had the example of one illustrious itinerant in the other hemisphere — of goldsmith, who planned and performed his travels through france and italy on a less promising scheme than mine. i took credit to myself for various qualifications, mental and personal, suited to the undertaking. besides, my mind had latterly tormented me for employment, keeping up an irregular activity even in sleep, and making me conscious that i must toil, if it were but in catching butterflies. but my chief motives were, discontent with home and a bitter grudge against parson thumpcushion, who would rather have laid me in my father’s tomb than seen me either a novelist or an actor, two characters which i thus hit upon a method of uniting. after all, it was not half so foolish as if i had written romances instead of reciting them.

the following pages will contain a picture of my vagrant life, intermixed with specimens, generally brief and slight, of that great mass of fiction to which i gave existence, and which has vanished like cloud-shapes. besides the occasions when i sought a pecuniary reward, i was accustomed to exercise my narrative faculty wherever chance had collected a little audience idle enough to listen. these rehearsals were useful in testing the strong points of my stories; and, indeed, the flow of fancy soon came upon me so abundantly that its indulgence was its own reward, though the hope of praise also became a powerful incitement. since i shall never feel the warm gush of new thought as i did then, let me beseech the reader to believe that my tales were not always so cold as he may find them now. with each specimen will be given a sketch of the circumstances in which the story was told. thus my air-drawn pictures will be set in frames perhaps more valuable than the pictures themselves, since they will be embossed with groups of characteristic figures, amid the lake and mountain scenery, the villages and fertile fields, of our native land. but i write the book for the sake of its moral, which many a dreaming youth may profit by, though it is the experience of a wandering story-teller.

a flight in the fog.

i set out on my rambles one morning in june about sunrise. the day promised to be fair, though at that early hour a heavy mist lay along the earth and settled in minute globules on the folds of my clothes, so that i looked precisely as if touched with a hoar-frost. the sky was quite obscured, and the trees and houses invisible till they grew out of the fog as i came close upon them. there is a hill towards the west whence the road goes abruptly down, holding a level course through the village and ascending an eminence on the other side, behind which it disappears. the whole view comprises an extent of half a mile. here i paused; and, while gazing through the misty veil, it partially rose and swept away with so sudden an effect that a gray cloud seemed to have taken the aspect of a small white town. a thin vapor being still diffused through the atmosphere, the wreaths and pillars of fog, whether hung in air or based on earth, appeared not less substantial than the edifices, and gave their own indistinctness to the whole. it was singular that such an unromantic scene should look so visionary.

half of the parson’s dwelling was a dingy white house, and half of it was a cloud; but squire moody’s mansion, the grandest in the village, was wholly visible, even the lattice-work of the balcony under the front window; while in another place only two red chimneys were seen above the mist, appertaining to my own paternal residence, then tenanted by strangers. i could not remember those with whom i had dwelt there, not even my mother. the brick edifice of the bank was in the clouds; the foundations of what was to be a great block of buildings had vanished, ominously, as it proved; the dry-goods store of mr. nightingale seemed a doubtful concern; and dominicus pike’s tobacco manufactory an affair of smoke, except the splendid image of an indian chief in front. the white spire of the meeting-house ascended out of the densest heap of vapor, as if that shadowy base were its only support: or, to give a truer interpretation, the steeple was the emblem of religion, enveloped in mystery below, yet pointing to a cloudless atmosphere, and catching the brightness of the east on its gilded vane.

as i beheld these objects, and the dewy street, with grassy intervals and a border of trees between the wheeltrack and the sidewalks, all so indistinct, and not to be traced without an effort, the whole seemed more like memory than reality. i would have imagined that years had already passed, and i was far away, contemplating that dim picture of my native place, which i should retain in my mind through the mist of time. no tears fell from my eyes among the dewdrops of the morning; nor does it occur to me that i heaved a sigh. in truth, i had never felt such a delicious excitement nor known what freedom was till that moment when i gave up my home and took the whole world in exchange, fluttering the wings of my spirit as if i would have flown from one star to another through the universe. i waved my hand towards the dusky village, bade it a joyous farewell, and turned away to follow any path but that which might lead me back. never was childe harold’s sentiment adopted in a spirit more unlike his own.

naturally enough, i thought of don quixote. recollecting how the knight and sancho had watched for auguries when they took the road to toboso, i began, between jest and earnest, to feel a similar anxiety. it was gratified, and by a more poetical phenomenon than the braying of the dappled ass or the neigh of rosinante. the sun, then just above the horizon, shone faintly through the fog, and formed a species of rainbow in the west, bestriding my intended road like a gigantic portal. i had never known before that a bow could be generated between the sunshine and the morning mist. it had no brilliancy, no perceptible hues, but was a mere unpainted framework, as white and ghostlike as the lunar rainbow, which is deemed ominous of evil. but, with a light heart, to which all omens were propitious, i advanced beneath the misty archway of futurity.

i had determined not to enter on my profession within a hundred miles of home, and then to cover myself with a fictitious name. the first precaution was reasonable enough, as otherwise parson thumpcushion might have put an untimely catastrophe to my story; but as nobody would be much affected by my disgrace, and all was to be suffered in my own person, i know not why i cared about a name. for a week or two i travelled almost at random, seeking hardly any guidance except the whirling of a leaf at, some turn of the road, or the green bough that beckoned me, or the naked branch that pointed its withered finger onward. all my care was to be farther from home each night than the preceding morning.

a fellow-traveller.

one day at noontide, when the sun had burst suddenly out of a cloud, and threatened to dissolve me, i looked round for shelter, whether of tavern, cottage, barn, or shady tree. the first which offered itself was a wood — not a forest, but a trim plantation of young oaks, growing just thick enough to keep the mass of sunshine out, while they admitted a few straggling beams, and thus produced the most cheerful gloom imaginable. a brook, so small and clear, and apparently so cool, that i wanted to drink it up, ran under the road through a little arch of stone without once meeting the sun in its passage from the shade on one side to the shade on the other. as there was a stepping-place over the stone wall and a path along the rivulet, i followed it and discovered its source — a spring gushing out of an old barrel.

in this pleasant spot i saw a light pack suspended from the branch of a tree, a stick leaning against the trunk, and a person seated on the grassy verge of the spring, with his back towards me. he was a slender figure, dressed in black broadcloth, which was none of the finest nor very fashionably cut. on hearing my footsteps he started up rather nervously, and, turning round, showed the face of a young man about my own age, with his finger in a volume which he had been reading till my intrusion. his book was evidently a pocket bible. though i piqued myself at that period on my great penetration into people’s characters and pursuits, i could not decide whether this young man in black were an unfledged divine from andover, a college student, or preparing for college at some academy. in either case i would quite as willingly have found a merrier companion; such, for instance, as the comedian with whom gil blas shared his dinner beside a fountain in spain.

after a nod, which was duly returned, i made a goblet of oak-leaves, filled and emptied it two or three times, and then remarked, to hit the stranger’s classical associations, that this beautiful fountain ought to flow from an urn instead of an old barrel. he did not show that he understood the allusion, and replied very briefly, with a shyness that was quite out of place between persons who met in such circumstances. had he treated my next observation in the same way, we should have parted without another word.

“it is very singular,” said i — “though doubtless there are good reasons for it — that nature should provide drink so abundantly, and lavish it everywhere by the roadside, but so seldom anything to eat. why should not we find a loaf of bread on this tree as well as a barrel of good liquor at the foot of it?”

“there is a loaf of bread on the tree,” replied the stranger, without even smiling — at a coincidence which made me laugh. “i have something to eat in my bundle; and, if you can make a dinner with me, you shall be welcome.”

“i accept your offer with pleasure,” said i. “a pilgrim such as i am must not refuse a providential meal.”

the young man had risen to take his bundle from the branch of the tree, but now turned round and regarded me with great earnestness, coloring deeply at the same time. however, he said nothing, and produced part of a loaf of bread and some cheese, the former being evidently home baked, though some days out of the oven. the fare was good enough, with a real welcome, such as his appeared to be. after spreading these articles on the stump of a tree, he proceeded to ask a blessing on our food, an unexpected ceremony, and quite an impressive one at our woodland table, with the fountain gushing beside us and the bright sky glimmering through the boughs; nor did his brief petition affect me less because his embarrassment made his voice tremble. at the end of the meal he returned thanks with the same tremulous fervor.

he felt a natural kindness for me after thus relieving my necessities, and showed it by becoming less reserved. on my part, i professed never to have relished a dinner better; and, in requital of the stranger’s hospitality, solicited the pleasure of his company to supper.

“where? at your home?” asked he.

“yes,” said i, smiling.

“perhaps our roads are not the same,” observed he.

“o, i can take any road but one, and yet not miss my way,” answered i. “this morning i breakfasted at home; i shall sup at home to-night; and a moment ago i dined at home. to be sure, there was a certain place which i called home; but i have resolved not to see it again till i have been quite round the globe and enter the street on the east as i left it on the west. in the mean time, i have a home everywhere, or nowhere, just as you please to take it.”

“nowhere, then; for this transitory world is not our home,” said the young man, with solemnity. “we are all pilgrims and wanderers; but it is strange that we two should meet.”

i inquired the meaning of this remark, but could obtain no satisfactory reply. but we had eaten salt together, and it was right that we should form acquaintance after that ceremony as the arabs of the desert do, especially as he had learned something about myself, and the courtesy of the country entitled me to as much information in return. i asked whither he was travelling.

“i do not know,” said he; “but god knows.”

“that is strange!” exclaimed i; “not that god should know it, but that you should not. and how is your road to be pointed out?”

“perhaps by an inward conviction,” he replied, looking sideways at me to discover whether i smiled; “perhaps by an outward sign.”

“then, believe me,” said i, “the outward sign is already granted you, and the inward conviction ought to follow. we are told of pious men in old times who committed themselves to the care of providence, and saw the manifestation of its will in the slightest circumstances, as in the shooting of a star, the flight of a bird, or the course taken by some brute animal. sometimes even a stupid ass was their guide. may i not be as good a one?”

“i do not know,” said the pilgrim, with perfect simplicity.

we did, however, follow the same road, and were not overtaken, as i partly apprehended, by the keepers of any lunatic asylum in pursuit of a stray patient. perhaps the stranger felt as much doubt of my sanity as i did of his, though certainly with less justice, since i was fully aware of my own extravagances, while he acted as wildly, and deemed it heavenly wisdom. we were a singular couple, strikingly contrasted, yet curiously assimilated, each of us remarkable enough by himself, and doubly so in the other’s company. without any formal compact, we kept together day after day till our union appeared permanent. even had i seen nothing to love and admire in him, i could never have thought of deserting one who needed me continually; for i never knew a person; not even a woman, so unfit to roam the world in solitude as he was — so painfully shy, so easily discouraged by slight obstacles, and so often depressed by a weight within himself.

i was now far from my native place, but had not yet stepped before the public. a slight tremor seized me whenever i thought of relinquishing the immunities of a private character, and giving every man, and for money too, the right which no man yet possessed, of treating me with open scorn. but about a week after contracting the above alliance i made my bow to an audience of nine persons, seven of whom hissed me in a very disagreeable manner, and not without good cause. indeed, the failure was so signal that it would have been mere swindling to retain the money, which had been paid on my implied contract to give its value of amusement. so i called in the doorkeeper, bade him refund the whole receipts, a mighty sum and was gratified with a round of applause by way of offset to the hisses. this event would have looked most horrible in anticipation — a thing to make a man shoot himself, or run amuck, or hide himself in caverns where he might not see his own burning blush; but the reality was not so very hard to bear. it is a fact that i was more deeply grieved by an almost parallel misfortune which happened to my companion on the same evening. in my own behalf i was angry and excited, not depressed; my blood ran quick, my spirits rose buoyantly, and i had never felt such a confidence of future success and determination to achieve it as at that trying moment. i resolved to persevere, if it were only to wring the reluctant praise from my enemies.

hitherto i had immensely underrated the difficulties of my idle trade; now i recognized that it demanded nothing short of my whole powers cultivated to the utmost, and exerted with the same prodigality as if i were speaking for a great party or for the nation at large on the floor of the capitol. no talent or attainment could come amiss; everything, indeed, was requisite — wide observation, varied knowledge, deep thoughts, and sparkling ones; pathos and levity, and a mixture of both, like sunshine in a raindrop; lofty imagination, veiling itself in the garb of common life; and the practised art which alone could render these gifts, and more than these, available. not that i ever hoped to be thus qualified. but my despair was no ignoble one; for, knowing the impossibility of satisfying myself, even should the world be satisfied, i did my best to overcome it; investigated the causes of every defect; and strove, with patient stubbornness, to remove them in the next attempt. it is one of my few sources of pride, that, ridiculous as the object was, i followed it up with the firmness and energy of a man.

i manufactured a great variety of plots and skeletons of tales, and kept them ready for use, leaving the filling up to the inspiration of the moment; though i cannot remember ever to have told a tale which did not vary considerably from my preconceived idea, and acquire a novelty of aspect as often as i repeated it. oddly enough, my success was generally in proportion to the difference between the conception and accomplishment. i provided two or more commencements and catastrophes to many of the tales — a happy expedient, suggested by the double sets of sleeves and trimmings which diversified the suits in sir piercy shafton’s wardrobe. but my best efforts had a unity, a wholeness, and a separate character that did not admit of this sort of mechanism.

the village theatre

about the first of september my fellow-traveller and myself arrived at a country town, where a small company of actors, on their return from a summer’s campaign in the british provinces, were giving a series of dramatic exhibitions. a moderately sized hall of the tavern had been converted into a theatre. the performances that evening were, the heir at law, and no song, no supper, with the recitation of alexander’s feast between the play and farce. the house was thin and dull. but the next day there appeared to be brighter prospects, the playbills announcing at every corner, on the town-pump, and — awful sacrilege! — on the very door of the meeting-house, an unprecedented attraction! after setting forth the ordinary entertainments of a theatre, the public were informed, in the hugest type that the printing-office could supply, that the manager had been fortunate enough to accomplish an engagement with the celebrated story–teller. he would make his first appearance that evening, and recite his famous tale of mr. higginbotham’s catastrophe, which had been received with rapturous applause by audiences in all the principal cities. this outrageous flourish of trumpets, be it known, was wholly unauthorized by me, who had merely made an engagement for a single evening, without assuming any more celebrity than the little i possessed. as for the tale, it could hardly have been applauded by rapturous audiences, being as yet an unfilled plot; nor even when i stepped upon the stage was it decided whether mr. higginbotham should live or die.

in two or three places, underneath the flaming bills which announced the story–teller, was pasted a small slip of paper, giving notice, in tremulous characters, of a religious meeting to be held at the school-house, where, with divine permission, eliakim abbott would address sinners on the welfare of their immortal souls.

in the evening, after the commencement of the tragedy of douglas, i took a ramble through the town to quicken my ideas by active motion. my spirits were good, with a certain glow of mind which i had already learned to depend upon as the sure prognostic of success. passing a small and solitary school-house, where a light was burning dimly and a few people were entering the door, i went in with them, and saw my friend eliakim at the desk. he had collected about fifteen hearers, mostly females. just as i entered he was beginning to pray in accents so low and interrupted that he seemed to doubt the reception of his efforts both with god and man. there was room for distrust in regard to the latter. at the conclusion of the prayer several of the little audience went out, leaving him to begin his discourse under such discouraging circumstances, added to his natural and agonizing diffidence. knowing that my presence on these occasions increased his embarrassment, i had stationed myself in a dusky place near the door, and now stole softly out.

on my return to the tavern the tragedy was already concluded; and, being a feeble one in itself and indifferently performed, it left so much the better chance for the story–teller. the bar was thronged with customers, the toddy-stick keeping a continual tattoo; while in the hall there was a broad, deep, buzzing sound, with an occasional peal of impatient thunder — all symptoms of all overflowing house and an eager audience. i drank a glass of wine-and-water, and stood at the side scene conversing with a young person of doubtful sex. if a gentleman, how could he have performed the singing girl the night before in no song, no supper? or, if a lady, why did she enact young norval, and now wear a green coat and white pantaloons in the character of little pickle? in either case the dress was pretty and the wearer bewitching; so that, at the proper moment, i stepped forward with a gay heart and a hold one; while the orchestra played a tune that had resounded at many a country ball, and the curtain, as it rose, discovered something like a country bar-room. such a scene was well enough adapted to such a tale.

the orchestra of our little theatre consisted of two fiddles and a clarinet; but, if the whole harmony of the tremont had been there, it might have swelled in vain beneath the tumult of applause that greeted me. the good people of the town, knowing that the world contained innumerable persons of celebrity undreamed of by them, took it for granted that i was one, and that their roar of welcome was but a feeble echo of those which had thundered around me in lofty theatres. such an enthusiastic uproar was never heard. each person seemed a briarcus clapping a hundred hands, besides keeping his feet and several cudgels in play with stamping and thumping on the floor; while the ladies flourished their white cambric handkerchiefs, intermixed with yellow and red bandanna, like the flags of different nations. after such a salutation, the celebrated story–teller felt almost ashamed to produce so humble an affair as mr. higginbotham’s catastrophe.

this story was originally more dramatic than as there presented, and afforded good scope for mimicry and buffoonery, neither of which, to my shame, did i spare. i never knew the “magic of a name” till i used that of mr. higginbotham. often as i repeated it, there were louder bursts of merriment than those which responded to what, in my opinion, were more legitimate strokes of humor. the success of the piece was incalculably heightened by a stiff cue of horsehair, which little pickle, in the spirit of that mischief-loving character, had fastened to my collar, where, unknown to me, it kept making the queerest gestures of its own in correspondence with all mine. the audience, supposing that some enormous joke was appended to this long tail behind, were ineffably delighted, and gave way to such a tumult of approbation that, just as the story closed, the benches broke beneath them and left one whole row of my admirers on the floor. even in that predicament they continued their applause. in after times, when i had grown a bitter moralizer, i took this scene for an example how much of fame is humbug; how much the meed of what our better nature blushes at; how much an accident; how much bestowed on mistaken principles; and how small and poor the remnant. from pit and boxes there was now a universal call for the story–teller.

that celebrated personage came not when they did call to him. as i left the stage, the landlord, being also the postmaster, had given me a letter with the postmark of my native village, and directed to my assumed name in the stiff old handwriting of parson thumpcushion. doubtless he had heard of the rising renown of the story–teller, and conjectured at once that such a nondescript luminary could be no other than his lost ward. his epistle, though i never read it, affected me most painfully. i seemed to see the puritanic figure of my guardian standing among the fripperies of the theatre and pointing to the players — the fantastic and effeminate men, the painted women, the giddy girl in boy’s clothes, merrier than modest — pointing to these with solemn ridicule, and eying me with stern rebuke. his image was a type of the austere duty, and they of the vanities of life.

i hastened with the letter to my chamber and held it unopened in my hand, while the applause of my buffoonery yet sounded through the theatre. another train of thought came over me. the stern old man appeared again, but now with the gentleness of sorrow, softening his authority with love as a father might, and even bending his venerable head, as if to say that my errors had an apology in his own mistaken discipline. i strode twice across the chamber, then held the letter in the flame of the candle, and beheld it consume unread. it is fixed in my mind, and was so at the time, that he had addressed me in a style of paternal wisdom, and love, and reconciliation which i could not have resisted had i but risked the trial. the thought still haunts me that then i made my irrevocable choice between good and evil fate.

meanwhile, as this occurrence had disturbed my mind and indisposed me to the present exercise of my profession, i left the town, in spite of a laudatory critique in the newspaper, and untempted by the liberal offers of the manager. as we walked onward, following the same road, on two such different errands, eliakim groaned in spirit, and labored with tears to convince me of the guilt and madness of my life.