sonnet

to a scotch girl, washing linen after her country fashion.

well done and wetly, thou fair maid of perth,

thou mak’st a washing picture well deserving

the pen and pencilling of washington irving:

like dripping naiad, pearly from her birth,

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dashing about the water of the firth,

to cleanse the calico of mrs. skirving,

and never from thy dance of duty swerving

as there were nothing else than dirt on earth!

yet what is thy reward? nay, do not start!

i do not mean to give thee a new damper,

but while thou fillest this industrious part

of washer, wearer, mangler, presser, stamper,

deserving better character—thou art

what bodkin would but call—“a common tramper.”

my apology.

gentle readers,

for the present month, there must be what dr. johnson called a solution of continuity in my “literary reminiscences.” confined to my chamber by what ought to be termed roomatism—then attacked by my old livery complaint—and finally, by a minor, but troublesome malady, the present has too much prevailed over the past, to let me indulge in any retrospective reviews. in such cases, on the stage, when a performer is unable to support his character, a substitute is usually found to read the part; but, unfortunately, in the present case there is no part written, and consequently it cannot be read. but apropos of theatricals—there is an anecdote on point.

in the olympic days of the great elliston, there was one evening a tremendous tumult at his theatre, in consequence of the absence of a favourite performer. one man in the pit—a butcher—was especially vociferous in his cry for “carl! carl! carl!” others called for the manager, who duly made his appearance, and black as the weather looked, he was the very sort of pilot to weather the storm. with one of his princely bows

[pg 53]

he proceeded to address the house. “ladies and gentlemen—but by your leave i will address myself to a single individual. i will ask that gentleman (pointing to the vociferous butcher) what right he has to demand the appearance of mr. carl?”

“’cos,” said the butcher, “’cos he’s down in the bill.” such an undeniable answer would have staggered any other manager than elliston, but he was not easily to be disconcerted. “because he is down in the bill!” he echoed, in a tone of the loftiest indignation: “ladies and gentlemen, the mr. carl, so unseasonably, so vociferously and so unfeelingly called for, is at this very moment labouring under severe illness—he is in bed. and let me ask, is a man, a fellow-creature, a human being, to be torn from his couch, from his home, on a cold night, from the affectionate attentions of his wife and family, at the risk of his valuable life perhaps, to go through a fatiguing part because he happens to be down in the bill?” [cries of “shame, shame!” from all parts of the house.] “and yet, ladies and gentlemen, there stands a man—if i may call him so—a butcher, that for his own selfish gratification—the amusement of a few short hours—would risk the very existence of a deserving member of society, a good husband, father, friend, and one of your favourite actors, and all, forsooth, because he is down in the bill!” [universal hooting, with cries of “turn him out.”] “by all means,” acquiesced the manager, with one of his best bows—and the indignant pittites actually hooted and kicked their own champion out of the theatre, as something more than a butcher, and less than a christian.

now i am myself, gentle readers, in the same predicament with mr. carl. like him i am an invalid—and like him i am unfortunately down in the bill. it would not become me to set forth my own domestic or social virtues, or to hint what sort of gap my loss would make in society—still less would it consist with modesty to compare myself with a favourite actor—but as

[pg 54]

a mere human being i throw myself on your mercy, and ask, in common charity, would you have had me leave my warm bed, to shiver in a printer’s damp sheets, at the risk of my reputation perhaps, and for the mere amusement of some half hour, or more probably for no amusement at all—simply because i was “down in the bill?”

but there is no such butcher, or butcheress, or little butcherling, amongst you; and by your good leave and patience, the instalment of my reminiscences that is over due, shall be paid with interest in the next number.