handmaidens brought cushions, giggled and fled. retief and georges settled themselves comfortably. the aga kaga eyed them in silence.

"we have come to bear tidings from the corps diplomatique terrestrienne," retief said solemnly. a perfumed slave girl offered grapes.

"modest ignorance is better than boastful knowledge," the aga kaga said. "what brings the cdt into the picture?"

"the essay of the drunkard will be read in the tavern," retief said. "whereas the words of kings...."

"very well, i concede the point." the aga kaga waved a hand at the serving maids. "depart, my dears. attend me later. you too, ralph. these are mere diplomats. they are men of words, not deeds."

the bearded man glared and departed. the girls hurried after him.

"now," the aga kaga said. "let's drop the wisdom of the ages and get down to the issues. not that i don't admire your repertoire of platitudes. how do you remember them all?"

"diplomats and other liars require good memories," said retief. "but as you point out, small wisdom to small minds. i'm here to effect a settlement of certain differences between yourself and the planetary authorities. i have here a note, which i'm conveying on behalf of the sector under-secretary. with your permission, i'll read it."

"go ahead." the aga kaga kicked a couple of cushions onto the floor, eased a bottle from under the couch and reached for glasses.

"the under-secretary for sector affairs presents his compliments to his excellency, the aga kaga of the aga kaga, primary potentate, hereditary sheik, emir of the—"

"yes, yes. skip the titles."

retief flipped over two pages.

"... and with reference to the recent relocation of persons under the jurisdiction of his excellency, has the honor to point out that the territories now under settlement comprise a portion of that area, hereinafter designated as sub-sector alpha, which, under terms of the agreement entered into by his excellency's predecessor, and as referenced in sector ministry's notes numbers g-175846573957-b and x-7584736 c-1, with particular pertinence to that body designated in the revised galactic catalogue, tenth edition, as amended, volume nine, reel 43, as 54 cygni alpha, otherwise referred to hereinafter as flamme—"

"come to the point," the aga kaga cut in. "you're here to lodge a complaint that i'm invading territories to which someone else lays claim, is that it?" he smiled broadly, offered dope-sticks and lit one. "well, i've been expecting a call. after all, it's what you gentlemen are paid for. cheers."

"your excellency has a lucid way of putting things," retief said.

"call me stanley," the aga kaga said. "the other routine is just to please some of the old fools—i mean the more conservative members of my government. they're still gnawing their beards and kicking themselves because their ancestors dropped science in favor of alchemy and got themselves stranded in a cultural dead end. this charade is supposed to prove they were right all along. however, i've no time to waste in neurotic compensations. i have places to go and deeds to accomplish."

"at first glance," retief said, "it looks as though the places are already occupied, and the deeds are illegal."

the aga kaga guffawed. "for a diplomat, you speak plainly, retief. have another drink." he poured, eyeing georges. "what of m. duror? how does he feel about it?"

georges took a thoughtful swallow of whiskey. "not bad," he said. "but not quite good enough to cover the odor of goats."

the aga kaga snorted. "i thought the goats were overdoing it a bit myself," he said. "still, the graybeards insisted. and i need their support."

"also," georges said distinctly, "i think you're soft. you lie around letting women wait on you, while your betters are out doing an honest day's work."

the aga kaga looked startled. "soft? i can tie a knot in an iron bar as big as your thumb." he popped a grape into his mouth. "as for the rest, your pious views about the virtues of hard labor are as childish as my advisors' faith in the advantages of primitive plumbing. as for myself, i am a realist. if two monkeys want the same banana, in the end one will have it, and the other will cry morality. the days of my years are numbered, praise be to god. while they last, i hope to eat well, hunt well, fight well and take my share of pleasure. i leave to others the arid satisfactions of self-denial and other perversions."

"you admit you're here to grab our land, then," georges said. "that's the damnedest piece of bare-faced aggression—"

"ah, ah!" the aga kaga held up a hand. "watch your vocabulary, my dear sir. i'm sure that 'justifiable yearnings for territorial self-realization' would be more appropriate to the situation. or possibly 'legitimate aspirations, for self-determination of formerly exploited peoples' might fit the case. aggression is, by definition, an activity carried on only by those who have inherited the mantle of colonial imperialism."

"imperialism! why, you aga kagans have been the most notorious planet-grabbers in sector history, you—you—"

"call me stanley." the aga kaga munched a grape. "i merely face the realities of popular folk-lore. let's be pragmatic; it's a matter of historical association. some people can grab land and pass it off lightly as a moral duty; others are dubbed imperialist merely for holding onto their own. unfair, you say. but that's life, my friends. and i shall continue to take every advantage of it."

"we'll fight you!" georges bellowed. he took another gulp of whiskey and slammed the glass down. "you won't take this world without a struggle!"

"another?" the aga kaga said, offering the bottle. georges glowered as his glass was filled. the aga kaga held the glass up to the light.

"excellent color, don't you agree?" he turned his eyes on georges.

"it's pointless to resist," he said. "we have you outgunned and outmanned. your small nation has no chance against us. but we're prepared to be generous. you may continue to occupy such areas as we do not immediately require until such time as you're able to make other arrangements."

"and by the time we've got a crop growing out of what was bare rock, you'll be ready to move in," the boyar chef d'regime snapped. "but you'll find that we aren't alone!"

"quite alone," the aga said. he nodded sagely. "yes, one need but read the lesson of history. the corps diplomatique will make expostulatory noises, but it will accept the fait accompli. you, my dear sir, are but a very small nibble. we won't make the mistake of excessive greed. we shall inch our way to empire—and those who stand in our way shall be dubbed warmongers."

"i see you're quite a student of history, stanley," retief said. "i wonder if you recall the eventual fate of most of the would-be empire nibblers of the past?"

"ah, but they grew incautious. they went too far, too fast."

"the confounded impudence," georges rasped. "tells us to our face what he has in mind!"

"an ancient and honorable custom, from the time of mein kampf and the communist manifesto through the porcelain wall of leung. such declarations have a legendary quality. it's traditional that they're never taken at face value."

"but always," retief said, "there was a critical point at which the man on horseback could have been pulled from the saddle."

"could have been," the aga kaga chuckled. he finished the grapes and began peeling an orange. "but they never were. hitler could have been stopped by the czech air force in 1938; stalin was at the mercy of the primitive atomics of the west in 1946; leung was grossly over-extended at rangoon. but the onus of that historic role could not be overcome. it has been the fate of your spiritual forebears to carve civilization from the wilderness and then, amid tearing of garments and the heaping of ashes of self-accusation on your own confused heads, to withdraw, leaving the spoils for local political opportunists and mob leaders, clothed in the mystical virtue of native birth. have a banana."

"you're stretching your analogy a little too far," retief said. "you're banking on the inaction of the corps. you could be wrong."

"i shall know when to stop," the aga kaga said.

"tell me, stanley," retief said, rising. "are we quite private here?"

"yes, perfectly so," the aga kaga said. "none would dare to intrude in my council." he cocked an eyebrow at retief. "you have a proposal to make in confidence? but what of our dear friend georges? one would not like to see him disillusioned."

"don't worry about georges. he's a realist, like you. he's prepared to deal in facts. hard facts, in this case."

the aga kaga nodded thoughtfully. "what are you getting at?"

"you're basing your plan of action on the certainty that the corps will sit by, wringing its hands, while you embark on a career of planetary piracy."

"isn't it the custom?" the aga kaga smiled complacently.

"i have news for you, stanley. in this instance, neck-wringing seems more in order than hand-wringing."

the aga kaga frowned. "your manner—"

"never mind our manners!" georges blurted, standing. "we don't need any lessons from goat-herding land-thieves!"

the aga kaga's face darkened. "you dare to speak thus to me, pig of a muck-grubber!"

with a muffled curse georges launched himself at the potentate. the giant rolled aside. he grunted as the boyar's fist thumped in his short ribs; then he chopped down on georges' neck. the chef d'regime slid off onto the floor as the aga kaga bounded to his feet, sending fruit and silken cushions flying.

"i see it now!" he hissed. "an assassination attempt!" he stretched his arms, thick as tree-roots—a grizzly in satin robes. "your heads will ring together like gongs before i have done with you!" he lunged for retief. retief came to his feet, feinted with his left and planted a short right against the aga kaga's jaw with a solid smack. the potentate stumbled, grabbed; retief slipped aside. the aga kaga whirled to face retief.

"a slippery diplomat, by all the houris in paradise!" he grated, breathing hard. "but a fool. true to your medieval code of chivalry, you attacked singly, a blunder i would never have made. and you shall die for your idiocy!" he opened his mouth to bellow—

"you sure look foolish, with your fancy hair-do down in your eyes," retief said. "the servants will get a big laugh out of it."

with a choked yell, the aga kaga dived for retief, missed as he leaped aside. the two went to the mat together and rolled, sending a stool skittering. grunts and curses echoed as the two big men strained, muscles popping. retief groped for a scissors hold; the aga kaga seized his foot, bit hard. retief bent nearly double, braced himself and slammed the potentate against the rug. dust flew. then the two were on their feet, circling.

"many times have i longed to broil a diplomat over a slow fire," the aga kaga snarled. "tonight will see it come to pass!"

"i've seen it done often at staff meetings," said retief. "it seems to have no permanent effect."

the aga kaga reached for retief, who feinted left, hammered a right to the chin. the aga kaga tottered. retief measured him, brought up a haymaker. the potentate slammed to the rug—out cold.

georges rolled over, sat up. "let me at the son of a—" he muttered.

"take over, georges," retief said, panting. "since he's in a mood to negotiate now, we may as well get something accomplished."

georges eyed the fallen ruler, who stirred, groaned lugubriously. "i hope you know what you're doing," georges said. "but i'm with you in any case." he straddled the prone body, plucked a curved knife from the low table and prodded the aga kaga's adam's apple. the monarch opened his eyes.

"make one little peep and your windbag will spring a leak," georges said. "very few historical figures have accomplished anything important after their throats were cut."

"stanley won't yell," retief said. "we're not the only ones who're guilty of cultural idiocy. he'd lose face something awful if he let his followers see him like this." retief settled himself on a tufted ottoman. "right, stanley?"

the aga kaga snarled.

retief selected a grape and ate it thoughtfully. "these aren't bad, georges. you might consider taking on a few aga kagan vine-growers—purely on a yearly contract basis, of course."

the aga kaga groaned, rolling his eyes.

"well, i believe we're ready to get down to diplomatic proceedings now," retief said. "nothing like dealing in an atmosphere of realistic good fellowship. first, of course, there's the matter of the presence of aliens lacking visas." he opened his briefcase, withdrew a heavy sheet of parchment. "i have the document here, drawn up and ready for signature. it provides for the prompt deportation of such persons, by corps transport, all expenses to be borne by the aga kagan government. that's agreeable, i assume?" retief looked expectantly at the purple face of the prone potentate. the aga kaga grunted a strangled grunt.

"speak up, stanley," retief said. "give him plenty of air, georges."

"shall i let some in through the side?"

"not yet. i'm sure stanley wants to be agreeable."

the aga kaga snarled.

"maybe just a little then, georges," retief said judiciously. georges jabbed the knife in far enough to draw a bead of blood. the aga kaga grunted.

"agreed!" he snorted. "by the beard of the prophet, when i get my hands on you...."

"second item: certain fields, fishing grounds, et cetera, have suffered damage due to the presence of the aforementioned illegal immigrants. full compensation will be made by the aga kagan government. agreed?"

the aga kaga drew a breath, tensed himself; georges jabbed with the knife point. his prisoner relaxed with a groan. "agreed!" he grated. "a vile tactic! you enter my tent under the guise of guests, protected by diplomatic immunity—"

"i had the impression we were herded in here at sword point," said retief. "shall we go on? now there's the little matter of restitution for violation of sovereignty, reparations for mental anguish, payment for damaged fences, roads, drainage canals, communications, et cetera, et cetera. shall i read them all?"

"wait until the news of this outrage is spread abroad!"

"they'd never believe it," retief said. "history would prove it impossible. and on mature consideration, i'm sure you won't want it noised about that you entertained visiting dignitaries flat on your back."

"what about the pollution of the atmosphere by goats?" georges put in. "and don't overlook the muddying of streams, the destruction of timber for camp fires and—"

"i've covered all that sort of thing under a miscellaneous heading," retief said. "we can fill it in at leisure when we get back."

"bandits!" the aga kaga hissed. "thieves! dogs of unreliable imperialists!"

"it is disillusioning, i know," retief said. "still, of such little surprises is history made. sign here." he held the parchment out and offered a pen. "a nice clear signature, please. we wouldn't want any quibbling about the legality of the treaty, after conducting the negotiation with such scrupulous regard for the niceties."

"niceties! never in history has such an abomination been perpetrated!"

"oh, treaties are always worked out this way, when it comes right down to it. we've just accelerated the process a little. now, if you'll just sign like a good fellow, we'll be on our way. georges will have his work cut out for him, planning how to use all this reparations money."

the aga kaga gnashed his teeth: georges prodded. the aga kaga seized the pen and scrawled his name. retief signed with a flourish. he tucked the treaty away in his briefcase, took out another.

"this is just a safe-conduct, to get us out of the door and into the car," he said. "probably unnecessary, but it won't hurt to have it, in case you figure out some way to avoid your obligations as a host."

the aga kaga signed the document after another prod from georges.

"one more paper, and i'll be into the jugular," he said.

"we're all through now," said retief. "stanley, we're going to have to run now. i'm going to strap up your hands and feet a trifle; it shouldn't take you more than ten minutes or so to get loose, stick a band-aid on your neck and—"

"my men will cut you down for the rascals you are!"

"by that time, we'll be over the hill," retief continued. "at full throttle; we'll be at government house in an hour, and of course i won't waste any time transmitting the treaty to sector hq. and the same concern for face that keeps you from yelling for help will insure that the details of the negotiation remain our secret."

"treaty! that scrap of paper!"

"i confess the corps is a little sluggish about taking action at times," retief said, whipping a turn of silken cord around the aga kaga's ankles. "but once it's got signatures on a legal treaty, it's extremely stubborn about all parties adhering to the letter. it can't afford to be otherwise, as i'm sure you'll understand." he cinched up the cord, went to work on the hands. the aga kaga glared at him balefully.

"to the pit with the corps! the ferocity of my revenge—"

"don't talk nonsense, stanley. there are several squadrons of peace enforcers cruising in the sector just now. i'm sure you're not ready to make any historical errors by taking them on." retief finished and stood.

"georges, just stuff a scarf in stanley's mouth. i think he'd prefer to work quietly until he recovers his dignity." retief buckled his briefcase, selected a large grape and looked down at the aga kaga.

"actually, you'll be glad you saw things our way, stanley," he said. "you'll get all the credit for the generous settlement. of course, it will be a striking precedent for any other negotiations that may become necessary if you get grabby on other worlds in this region. and if your advisors want to know why the sudden change of heart, just tell them you've decided to start from scratch on an unoccupied world. mention the virtues of thrift and hard work. i'm confident you can find plenty of historical examples to support you."

"thanks for the drink," said georges. "drop in on me at government house some time and we'll crack another bottle."

"and don't feel bad about your project's going awry," retief said. "in the words of the prophet, 'stolen goods are never sold at a loss.'"

"a remarkable about-face, retief," magnan said. "let this be a lesson to you. a stern note of protest can work wonders."

"a lot depends on the method of delivery," retief said.

"nonsense. i knew all along the aga kagans were a reasonable and peace-loving people. one of the advantages of senior rank, of course, is the opportunity to see the big picture. why, i was saying only this morning—"

the desk screen broke into life. the mottled jowls of under-secretary sternwheeler appeared.

"magnan! i've just learned of the flamme affair. who's responsible?"

"why, ah ... i suppose that i might be said—"

"this is your work, is it?"

"well ... mr. retief did play the role of messenger."

"don't pass the buck, magnan!" the under-secretary barked. "what the devil went on out there?"

"just a routine protest note. everything is quite in order."

"bah! your over-zealousness has cost me dear. i was feeding flamme to the aga kagans to consolidate our position of moral superiority for use as a lever in a number of important negotiations. now they've backed out! aga kaga emerges from the affair wreathed in virtue. you've destroyed a very pretty finesse in power politics, mr. magnan! a year's work down the drain!"

"but i thought—"

"i doubt that, mr. magnan, i doubt that very much!" the under-secretary rang off.

"this is a fine turn of events," magnan groaned. "retief, you know very well protest notes are merely intended for the historical record! no one ever takes them seriously."

"you and the aga kaga ought to get together," said retief. "he's a great one for citing historical parallels. he's not a bad fellow, as a matter of fact. i have an invitation from him to visit kaga and go mud-pig hunting. he was so impressed by corps methods that he wants to be sure we're on his side next time. why don't you come along?"

"hmmm. perhaps i should cultivate him. a few high-level contacts never do any harm. on the other hand, i understand he lives in a very loose way, feasting and merrymaking. frivolous in the extreme. no wife, you understand, but hordes of lightly clad women about. and in that connection, the aga kagans have some very curious notions as to what constitutes proper hospitality to a guest."

retief rose, pulled on the powder blue cloak and black velvet gauntlets of a career minister.

"don't let it worry you," he said. "you'll have a great time. and as the aga kaga would say, 'ugliness is the best safeguard of virginity.'"