there is one point on which larry benedick’s best friend and worst enemy and a lot of other less emphatic individuals are thoroughly and cordially agreed. ask his closest female relative or his remotest business acquaintance or the man who plays an occasional hand of auction with him at the club why benedick has never married, and they will one and all yield to sardonic mirth, and assure you that the woman who could interest that imperturbable individual has not yet been born—that he is without exception the coldest-hearted, hardest-headed bachelor who has ever driven fluttering débutantes and radiant ladies from the chorus into a state of utter and abject despair—that romance is anathema to him and sentiment an abomination.
“benedick!” they will chorus with convincing unanimity. “my dear fellow, he’s been immune since birth. he’s never given any girl that lived or breathed a second thought—it’s extremely doubtful if he ever gave one a first. you can say what you please about him, but this you can take as a36 fact; you know one man who is going down to the grave as single as the day he was born.”
well, you can take it as a fact if you care to, and it’s more than likely that you and the rest of the world will be right. certainly, no one would ever have called him susceptible, even at the age when any decent, normal young cub is ready to count the world well lost for an eyelash. but not our benedick—no, long before the gray steel had touched the blue of his eyes and the black of his hair he had apparently found a use for it in an absolutely invulnerable strong box for what he was pleased to call his heart. then as now, he had faced his world with curled lips and cool eyes—graceful and graceless, spoiled, arrogant, and indifferent, with more money and more brains and more charm and a better conceit of himself than any two men should have—and a wary and sceptical eye for the charming creatures who circled closer and closer about him. the things that he used to think and occasionally say about those circling enchantresses were certainly unromantic and unchivalrous to a degree. rather an intolerable young puppy, for all his brilliant charm—and the years have not mellowed him to any perceptible extent. hardly likely to fall victim to the wiles of any lady, according to his worst enemy and his best friend and the world37 in general. no, hardly. but there was a lady....
it wasn’t yesterday that he first saw her—and it wasn’t a hundred years ago, either. it was at raoul’s; if you are one of the large group of apparently intelligent people whose mania consists in believing that there is only one place in the world that any one could possibly reside in, and that that place is about a quarter of a mile square and a mile and a half long and runs up from a street called forty-second on an island called manhattan, you undoubtedly know raoul’s. not a tea room—heaven save the mark! not a restaurant—god forbid! something between the two; a small room, clean and shabby, fragrant with odours more delectable than flowers. no one is permitted to smoke at raoul’s, not even ladies, because the light blue haze might disturb the heavenly aroma, at once spiced and bland, that broods over the place like a benediction. nothing quite like it anywhere else in america, those who have been there will tell you; nothing quite like it anywhere else in the world. it costs fine gold to sit at one of the little round tables in the corner, but mere gold cannot pay for what you receive. for to raoul the preparation of food is an art and a ceremony and a ritual and a science—not a commercial enterprise. the only thing that he purchases with38 your gold is leisure in which to serve you better. so who are you to grudge it to him?
larry benedick lunched there every day of his life, when he was in new york, heedless of a steady shower of invitations. he lived then in one of those coveted apartments not a stone’s throw from raoul’s brown door—a luxurious box of a place that one of the charming creatures (who happened to be his sister-in-law) had metamorphosed into a bachelor’s paradise, so successfully that any bachelor should have frothed at the mouth with envy at the mere sight of it.
it had a fair-sized living room, with very masculine crash curtains, darned in brilliant colours, and rough gray walls and an old florentine chest skillfully stuffed with the most expensive phonograph on the market, and rows and rows of beautifully bound books. there was a deep gray velvet sofa with three chinese-red cushions in front of the small black fireplace (of course it wasn’t possible to light a fire in it without retiring from the apartment with a wet towel tied around the head, crawling rather rapidly on the hands and knees because all the first-aid books state that any fresh air will be near the floor—but what of that? after all, you can’t have everything!)—and there were wrought-iron lamps that threw the light at exactly the right angle for reading, and very good english39 etchings and very gay viennese prints in red lacquer frames, and a really charming old venetian mirror over the mantel. it was a perfect room for a fastidious young man, and benedick loathed it with an awful loathing.
“all the elusive charm of a window in a furniture shop,” he remarked pensively to his best friend—but at least he refrained from destroying the pretty sister-in-law’s transports of altruistic enthusiasm, and left it grimly alone, keeping his eyes averted from its charms as frequently as possible, and leaving for south carolina or northern canada on the slightest provocation—or else swinging off to raoul’s at twelve o’clock with a feeling of profound relief, when what he fantastically referred to as “business” kept him chained to new york and the highly successful living room.
“business” for benedick consisted largely of a series of more or less amicable colloquies with a gray-faced, incisive gentleman in a large, dark, shining office, and the even more occasional gift of his presence at those convivial functions known as board meetings. his father, long dead, had been imprudent enough to sow the wind of financial speculation, and his unworthy son was now languidly engaged in reaping a whirlwind of coupons and dividends. it is painful to dwell on so rudimentary a lack of fair play on the part of40 fate, though benedick occasionally did dwell on it, with a sardonic grin at the recollection of the modest incomes received by the more prudent and thrifty members of the family. he made what atonement he could for his father’s unjustifiable success by a series of astoundingly lavish gifts, however, and wasted the rest of it more or less successfully.
“business” had kept him in town on that march day when he first saw her. he had arrived at raoul’s doorstep at exactly five minutes past twelve; he lunched early, because he was a disciple of the continental schedule, and it also avoided interruptions from over-fervent friends who frequented the place. the pretty cashier with her red cheeks and her elaborate gallic coiffure bestowed her usual radiant smile on him, and benedick smiled back, with a swift response that many a débutante would have given a large piece of her small soul to obtain. jules, the sallow and gentle-eyed, pulled out the little round chair with its padded cushions, pushed in the little round table with its threadbare and spotless cloth, and bent forward with pencil poised, the embodiment of discreet and eager interest.
“bonjour, monsieur! monsieur désire?——”
this, after all, was nearer a home than anything that larry benedick had known for many a41 weary year—this warm and peaceful corner, with old jules and young geneviève spreading friendliness all about him, with raoul out in the tiled and copper-hung kitchen, alert to turn his skill to service. monsieur desired? well, kidneys flamboyant, perhaps—and then some artichokes with raoul’s hollandaise—and the little curled pancakes with orange and burnt sugar in the chafing-dish. demi-tasse, of course, and bénédictine. not yesterday, you see, that march afternoon!—jules slipped away, as elated as though he were bearing with him great good tidings, and the brown-and-gray kitten came out from under the table, tapping at the cuff of his trousers with an imperious paw, and he had a smile for it, too. here in this tranquil space monsieur had all that he desired, had he not? surely, all. he bent forward to stroke the pink nose of his enterprising visitor, the smile deepening until the dark face was suddenly young—and the brown door opened and she came in.
benedick knew quite well that it was a raw and abominable day outside—but he could have sworn that he looked up because the room was suddenly full of the smell of pear blossoms, and lilacs, and the damp moss that grows beside running brooks—and that he felt the sunlight on his hands. there she stood, straight and slim, in her rough42 green tweed, with her sapphire-blue scarf and the sapphire-blue feather in the little tweed hat that she had pulled down over the bright wings of her hair, her face as fresh and gay as though she had just washed it in that running brook, her lovely mouse-coloured eyes soft and mischievous, as though she were keeping some amusing secret. there was mud on her high brown boots, and she was swinging a shining new brief case in one bare hand. benedick stared at that hand incredulously. it wasn’t possible that anything real could be so beautiful; velvet white, steel strong, fine and slim and flexible—such a hand ghirlan-daijo’s great ladies of the renaissance lifted to their hearts—such a hand a flying nymph on a grecian frieze flung out in quest of mercy. and yet there it was, so close to him that if he stretched out his fingers he could touch it!
the owner of this white wonder stood poised for a moment, apparently speculating as to whether this was the most perfect place in the world in which to lunch; she cast a swift glance of appraisal about the shadowed room with its hangings and cushions of faded peacock-blue, with its coal fire glowing and purring in the corner and its pots of pansies sitting briskly and competently along the deep window-sills; she gave a swift nod of recognition, as though she had found something43 that she had long been seeking, and slipped lightly into the chair at the table next to benedick’s. her flying eyes had brushed by the startled wonder of his face as though it had not been there, and it was obvious that he was still not there, in so far as the lady was concerned. she pounced exultantly on the carte du jour and gave it her rapt and undivided attention; when jules arrived carrying benedick’s luncheon as carefully as though it were a delicate and cherished baby she was ready and waiting for him—and jules succumbed instantly to the hopeful friendliness of her voice.
but certainly, mademoiselle could have sole bonne femme and potatoes allumettes, and a small salad—oui, oui, entendu—bien fatiguée, that salad, with a soup?on of garlic in a crust of bread, and the most golden of oils—yes, and a soufflé of chocolate with a demi-tasse in which should be just one dash of cognac—oh, rest assured of the quality of the cognac. ah, it was to be seen that mademoiselle was fine gourmet—which was, alas, not too common a quality in ces dames! fifteen minutes would not be too long to wait, no? the potatoes—bon, bon—mademoiselle should see. jules trotted rapidly off in the direction of the kitchen, and benedick’s luncheon grew cold before him while he watched to see what the miracle at the table beside him would do next.
44 how long, how long you had waited for her, benedick the cynic—so long that you had forgotten how lovely she would be. after all, it had not been you who had waited; it had been a little black-headed, blue-eyed dreamer, fast asleep these many years—you had forgotten him, too, had you not? he was awake now with a vengeance, staring through your incredulous eyes at the lovely lady of his dreams, sitting, blithe and serene, within hand’s touch—the lovely lady who was not too proud to have mud on her boots and who actually knew what to order for lunch. all the girls that benedick had ever known from the fuzzy-headed little ladies in the chorus to the sleek-locked wives of his best friend and his worst enemy, ordered chicken à la king and fruit salad and indescribable horrors known as maple walnut sundaes and chocolate marshmallow ice cream. but not this lady—oh, not this one! he leaned forward, breathless; what further enchantments had she in store? well, next she took off her hat, tossing it recklessly across the table, and the golden wings of her hair sprang out alive and joyous, like something suddenly uncaged—and then she was uncaging something else, a shabby brownish red book, prying it out of the depths of the new brief case as though she could hardly wait; he could see from the way that the white hands45 touched it that they loved it dearly—that they had loved it dearly for a long, long time. it flew open, as though it remembered the place itself, and she dipped her bright head to it, and was off! benedick pushed his untouched plate far from him, leaning forward across the table, caution and courtesy and decent reserve clean forgotten. what was she reading that could make her face dance like that—all her face, the gold-tipped lashes and the brave lips, and the elusive fugitive in the curve of the cheek turned toward him, too fleeting to be a dimple—too enchanting not to be one—what in the name of heaven was she reading? if only she would move her hand a little—ah!
something came pattering eagerly toward him out of the printed page—a small, brisk, portly individual with long ears and a smart waistcoat—his heart greeted it with a shout of incredulous delight. by all that was wonderful, the white rabbit! the dim room with its round tables faded, faded—benedick the cynic, benedick the sceptic, faded with it—he was back in another room, warm with firelight and bright with lamplight, in which a small black-headed boy sat upright in a crib, and listened to a lady reading from a red-brown book—a curly-headed lady, soft-voiced, soft-handed, and soft-eyed, who46 for ten enchanted years had read the lucky little boy to sleep; he had never believed in fairy tales again, after that soft voice had trailed off into silence. but now—now it was speaking once more—and once more he believed!
“oh, the duchess, the duchess! oh, my dear paws! oh, my fur and whiskers! she’ll have me arrested as sure as ferrets are ferrets! where can i have dropped them?”
the little boy was leaning forward, flushed and enchanted.
“well, but motherie darling, where could he have dropped them? where could he have dropped those gloves?”
“monsieur désire?”
benedick stared blankly at the solicitous countenance, wrenching himself back across the years. monsieur desired—ah, monsieur desired—monsieur desired——
he sat very still after that, until she had sipped the last drop of black coffee out of the little blue cup, until she had pulled the hat down over the golden wings and wrapped the sapphire scarf about her white throat and wedged “alice” back into the brief case, and smiled at jules, and smiled at geneviève, and smiled at the gray kitten, and vanished through the brown door.
he sat even stiller for quite a while after she had gone; and then suddenly bounded to his feet and flung out of the room before the startled47 jules could ask him whether there was not something that he preferred to the untouched bénédictine.
it was drizzling in the gray street and he turned his face to it as though it were sunshine; he glanced in the direction of the large dark office, and dismissed it with a light-hearted shrug. business—business, by the lord! not while there was still a spot to dream in undisturbed. he raced up the apartment-house stairs three at a time, scorning the elevator, and was in the living room before the petrified harishidi could do more than leap goggle-eyed from his post by the florentine chest. harishidi had obviously been indulging his passion for occidental music, though you would not have gathered it from the look of horrified rebuke that he directed at the renaissance treasure’s spirited rendition of the “buzz town darkies’ ball.” the look conveyed the unmistakable impression that harishidi had done everything in his power to prevent the misguided instrument from breaking out in this unfortunate manner during his master’s absence, but that his most earnest efforts had proved of no avail. benedick, however, was unimpressed.
“for the love of god, shut off that infernal noise!”
harishidi flung himself virtuously on the offending48 treasure, and benedick stood deliberating for a moment.
“bring me the records out of the drawer—no, over to the couch—i’m half dead for sleep after that damned party. get my pipe; the briar, idiot. matches. this the lot mrs. benedick sent?”
harishidi acknowledged it freely, and benedick shuffled rapidly through the black disks. cello rendition of “eli eli”; the smith sisters in a saxophone medley; highly dramatic interpretation of the little idyll from samson et delilah; “kiss your baby and away we go” specially rendered by dolpho, the xylophone king—yes, here it was.
“an elizabethan song, sung by mr. roger grahame of the santa clara opera company.”
“here you are, hari; put this on your infernal machine. take the telephone off the hook and give me another of those cushions. where’s an ash tray? all right—let her rip!”
“i play her now?” demanded the incredulous harishidi.
“you play her now, and you keep right on playing her until i tell you to stop. what’s more, if i hear another word out of you, you’re fired. all right—what are you waiting for? go ahead!”
the quiet room was suddenly flooded with grace and gallantry and a gay melancholy; a light49 tenor voice singing easily and happily of something that was not joy—and was not sorrow—
“there was a lady, fair and kind,
was never face so pleased my mind;
i did but see her, passing by,
and yet i love her till i die.
till—i—die——”
fair and kind—a lady with gold wings for hair and gray velvet for eyes—a lady who knew what to have for lunch and who read “alice in wonderland”—a lady who was tall and slim, and had a mouth like a little girl, and mud on her high boots—white-handed and white-throated—pear blossoms in the sunlight—fair and kind—
“her gesture, motion, and her smile,
her wit, her voice, my heart beguile,
beguile my heart, i know not why,
and yet i love her till i die.
till—i—die.”
her grace, her voice—a lady who walked as though she were about to dance—a lady who spoke as though she were about to sing—fair and kind—gold and ivory—he had seen her before—she lived in a castle and her hair hung down to her heels—he had ridden by on a black horse and she had thrown him a rose—a castle by the sea—a castle behind a hedge of thorns—a castle in a50 dreaming wood—but he had found her and waked her with a kiss—no, no, it was he who had been asleep—a long time—a long time asleep—he wanted to hear the end of the story, but he was so warm and happy, it was hard to keep awake—the firelight made strange shadows....
“and so they both lived happily ever after!”
“then he did find her, motherie?”
“of course, of course, he found her, sleepy head.”
“ever, ever after, motherie?”
“ever, ever after, little boy.”...
fair and kind, golden hair, smiling in the firelight—smile again—ever after, she said—ever, ever after....
* * * * *
the next day he was at raoul’s at a quarter to twelve, and when jules asked what monsieur desired, he told him to bring anything, it made no difference to him! the stupefied jules departed to the kitchen, where he was obliged to remain seated for several moments, owing to a slight touch of vertigo, and monsieur sat unmolested in his chair in the corner, his eyes fastened on the brown door as though they would never leave it. he was still sitting there, feverish and preoccupied, half an hour later, having dutifully consumed everything that jules put before him without51 once removing his eyes from the door. it wasn’t possible—it wasn’t possible that she wouldn’t come again. fate could not play him so scurvy a trick; but let him lay eyes on her just once more, and he would take no further chances with fate! he would walk up to her the second that she crossed the threshold, and demand her name and address and telephone number and occupation—— and the door opened, and she came in, and he sat riveted to his chair while she bestowed a bunch of violets the size of a silver dollar on the enchanted geneviève, a smile of joyous complicity on the infatuated jules, and a rapturous pat on the gray kitten. after a while he transferred his gaze from the door to the table next to him, but otherwise he did not stir. he was thinking a great many things very rapidly—unflattering and derisive comments on the mentality of one larry benedick. idiot—ass! as though any lady who held her bright head so high would not disdain him out of measure if she could get so much as a glimpse into the depths of his fatuous and ignoble mind. ask her for her address indeed! his blood froze at the thought.
the lady, in the meantime, had ordered lunch and discarded her hat and pried another treasure from the brief case; this time it was brown and larger, and she held it so that benedick could see52 the title without irreparably ruining his eyes. “tommy and grizel”—the unspeakable tommy! she was reading it with breathless intensity, too, and a look on her face that struck terror to his heart, a look at once scornful and delighted and disturbed, as though tommy himself were sitting opposite her. so this—this was the kind of fellow that she liked to lunch with—a sentimental, posturing young hypocrite, all arrogance and blarney—it was incredible that she couldn’t see through him! what magic had this worthless idiot for ladies?
benedick glared at the humble-looking brown volume as though he would cheerfully rip the heart out of it. he continued to glare until the white hands put it back into the brief case with a lingering and regretful touch, and carried it away through the door; no sooner had it closed than he jammed on his hat and brushed rudely by the smiling geneviève and out into the wind-swept street. there he paused, staring desperately about him, but the sapphire feather was nowhere to be seen, and after a moment he started off at a tremendous pace for his apartment, where he proceeded to keep his finger on the elevator bell for a good minute and a half, and scowled forbiddingly at the oblivious elevator boy for seven stories, and slammed the door of the living room so53 vigorously that the red-lacquered frames leapt on the wall.
he crossed the room in three lengthy strides, and slammed his bedroom door behind him even more vigorously. the bedroom was exactly half the size of the tiled bathroom, so that the artistic sister-in-law had only been able to wedge in a renaissance day-bed and a painted tin scrap basket—but benedick found it perfectly satisfactory, as she had permitted him to use books instead of wall-paper. all the ones that she considered too shabby for the living room rose in serried ranks to the high ceiling—benedick had substituted a nice arrangement of green steps instead of a chair, and had discovered that he could put either these or the scrap basket in the bathroom, if it was necessary to move around. he mounted the steps now, and snatched a brown volume from its peaceful niche on the top shelf next to “sentimental tommy,” climbed down and sat on the renaissance day-bed, wrenched the book open so violently that he nearly broke its back, and read about what happened to tommy on the last few pages—served him damned well right, too, except that hanging was too good for him. sentiment! sentiment was a loathsome thing, not to be borne for a moment.
the third time that he read it he felt a little better, and he got up and kicked the scrap basket hard,54 and telephoned to the incisive gentleman in the office that he wouldn’t be around because he had neuralgia and phlebitis and a jumping toothache, and telephoned his ravished sister-in-law that he’d changed his mind and would be around for dinner at eight if she’d swear to seat him next to a brunette. subsequently he was so attentive to the brunette that she went home in a fever of excitement—and benedick ground his teeth, and prayed that somehow his golden lady might know about it and feel a pang of the soft and bitter madness known as jealousy, which is the exclusive prerogative of women. he lay with his head in the pillow on the renaissance bed most of the night, cursing his idiocy with profound fervour, wondering what insanity had made him think for a moment that he was interested in that yellow-haired girl, and resolving not to go near raoul’s for at least a week. she was probably someone’s stenographer—or a lady authoress. every now and then he slipped off into horrid little dreams; he was building a gallows out of pear trees for a gentleman called tommy, and just when he had the noose ready, it slipped about his own throat—and he could feel it tightening, tightening, while someone laughed just behind him, very soft and clear—he woke with a shiver, and the dawn was in the room. he wouldn’t go to raoul’s for a month....
55 at five minutes to twelve he crossed the threshold, and she was there already with her hat off and a little fat green-and-gold book propped up against her goblet. thank god that she had left that brown bounder at home! benedick stared earnestly, and felt a deeper gratitude to robert herrick and his songs than he had ever known before. it was easy to see that she was safe in green meadows, brave with cowslips and violets and hawthorn and silver streams, playing with those charming maids, corinna and julia. benedick breathed a sigh of relief, and when her lunch arrived he was stricken again with admiration at the perfection of her choice. herrick himself could have done no better; the whole-wheat bread, the primrose pats of butter, the bowl in which the salad lurked discreetly—but he could see the emerald green of cress, and something small and silver and something round and ruddy—radishes and onions shining like jewels! there was a jar of amber honey, a little blue pitcher of thick cream, and a great blue bowl of crimson berries—strawberries in march, with a drift of fresh green mint leaves about them. here was a lady who was either incredibly wealthy or incredibly spendthrift! she closed her book when jules put this other pastoral before her, and ate as though it might be a long, long time before she would eat anything again,56 though she managed to look as though she were singing all the time. there was a bit of cream left for the kitten, and she fed it carefully, patted its white whiskers, and was gone.
benedick strolled out thoughtfully, remembering to smile at geneviève, and feeling more like a good little boy than a ripened cynic. it was incredible how virtuous it made one feel to be happy! he wanted to adopt a yellow dog and give money to a beggar and buy out a florist shop. the florist shop was the only object accessible, and he walked in promptly; the clerk had spoken to him before he realized that he couldn’t send her flowers, because he didn’t happen to know who she was. he might tell him to send them to the loveliest lady in new york, but it was a little risky. however, he bought an armful of daffodils, and a great many rose-red tulips, and enough blue and white hyacinths to fill a garden, and went straight back to his apartment without even waiting for change from the gold piece that he gave to the clerk. he handed them over to the startled harishidi with the curt order to put them in water; never mind if he didn’t have enough vases. put them in high-ball glasses—finger-bowls—anywhere—he wanted them all over the place. the buyer of flowers then retired and put on a gorgeous and festively striped necktie,57 washed his face and hands with a bland and pleasing soap, brushed his black hair until it shone, smiled gravely at the dark face in the mirror, and returned to the sitting room. there he selected a white hyacinth blossom with meticulous care, placed it in his buttonhole, and earnestly requested harishidi to retire and remain in retirement until summoned.
he spent quite a long time after that, drawing the curtains to shut out the grayness, struggling despairingly over the diminutive fire, piling the cushions so that they made a brilliant nest at one end of the velvet sofa, placing a gold-tooled volume of aucassin and nicolette where she could reach it easily—oh, if he could not send his flowers to her, he would bring her to his flowers! he adjusted the reading lamp with its painted parchment shade and dragged a stool up to the sofa. it was his sister-in-law’s best find—a broad and solid stool, sedate and comely—he sat there clasping his knees, his cheek against the velvet of the sofa—waiting. after a long time, he drew a deep breath, and smiled into the shadows. he did not turn his head; what need to turn it?
she was there—he could see her sinking far back into the scarlet cushions, greeting his flowers with joyous eyes. she had on a cream-coloured dress of some soft stuff, and a long chain of amber beads;58 the lamplight fell on her hair and on her clasped hands—and still he sat there, waiting. what need had they of speech? there was a perfume in her hair—a perfume of springtime, fleeting and exquisite; if he reached out his hand he could touch her. he sat very still; after a little while he felt her hand on his dark head, but still he did not stir—he only smiled more deeply into the shadows, and closed his eyes—— his eyes were still closed when harishidi came in to ask him if he had forgotten dinner, and his lips were parted, like a little boy lost in a happy dream—in a happy, happy dream....
after that, the days passed by in an orderly and enchanted procession; he watched them bringing gifts to the corner table at raoul’s, feeling warm and grateful and safe; too content to risk his joy by so much as stirring a finger. by and by he would speak to her, of course; in some easy, simple way he would step across the threshold of her life, and their hands would touch, never to fall apart again. she would drop her brief case, perhaps, and he would give it back to her, and she would smile; she would come into some drawing room where he was standing waiting patiently and the hostess would say, “you know mr. benedick, don’t you? he’s going to take you in to dinner.” he would go to more dinners—surely she must dine somewhere,59 and dances—surely she danced! or the gray kitten might capture that wisp of a handkerchief, and bring it to him as booty—he would rescue it and carry it back to her—and she would smile her thanks—she would smile—— it would all be as simple as that—simpler, perhaps; for the time, he asked no more than to let the days slip by while he sat watching her across the table; that was enough.
ah, those days! there was the one when she brought out a great volume of schopenhauer, and laughed all the time she read it; twice she laughed aloud, and so gay and clear was her derision that jules joined in, too. it was probably the essay on woman, benedick decided—the part where he said that ladies were little animals with long hair and limited intelligence. there was the day when she read out of a slim book of vellum about that small, enchanting mischief, marjorie fleming, and when jules put the iced melon down before her she did not see it for almost a minute—her eyes were too full of tears. there was the day when she read “war and peace” with her hands over her ears and such a look of terror on her face that benedick had all that he could do to keep from crossing over and putting his arms about her, to close out all the dangers that she feared—even the ones she read about in books.
60 and suddenly march was over, and it was april, and there was the day when she took a new volume out of the brief case—so new that it still had its paper cover with large black letters announcing that it contained desirable information about small country houses for limited incomes, colonial style. she read it with tremendous intensity and a look wavering between rapture and despair; once she sighed forlornly, and once she made a small, defiant face at some invisible adversary—and once she patted a picture lingeringly.
after she had gone, benedick took his sister-in-law’s automobile, and drove out to connecticut, and bought a house—a little old white house with many-paned windows, that sat on a hill with lilac bushes around it, and looked at the silver waters of the sound. it was perfectly preposterous that she shouldn’t have a house if she wanted it, and he was glad that she wanted a small country house, colonial style, even though it didn’t necessarily imply a moderate income. for the first time in his life he was glad that his income was not moderate. when he got back to town he bought a gray roadster—not too heavy, so that she could drive it. she might want to be in and out of town a lot; you never could tell.
he told his sister-in-law that he was going to raise airedales, because it was impossible61 to buy a decent puppy these days, and he discoursed lucidly and affably about a highly respectable scotch couple that he was going to get to look after the white house and supervise the airedales. after that he devoted most of his leisure hours to antique shops and auctions, where he purchased any amount of sheraton furniture and lowestoft china and bristol glass and hooked rugs and old english chintzes for the benefit of the airedale puppies and the scotch couple. he hadn’t as much time as formerly, because he had been growing steadily more uncomfortable at the thought of explaining to those gray eyes and gay lips the undeniable fact that he had twenty-four hours of leisure to dispose of every day of his life; so he had wandered over to the dark office one morning and remarked casually to the gray gentleman at the desk that he might blow in every now and then and see if there was anything around for him to do. it appeared that there was plenty around—so much that he took to blowing in at about nine and blowing out at about five—and he did it not so badly, though a good clerk might have done it better. he continued to spend a generous hour over lunch, however, proving a total loss to the firm for a considerable time after he returned, sometimes in such an abandoned mood that there was a flower in his buttonhole.
62 and then it was may, and the sapphire feather was gone, and she would come in through the brown door with flowers on her drooping hat and pale frocks tinted like flowers, cool and crisp as dresses in a dream. she still had the brief case, but it was absurd to think that a stenographer would wear such hats; anything so ravishing would cost a year’s salary. when he wasn’t too busy watching the way her hair rippled back, showing just the tips of her ears, he would wonder whether she were a great heiress with an aversion to jewellery or a successful novelist who had to choose between pearls and raoul’s. he had never seen even the smallest glint of jewels about her; never a gleam of beads at her throat or a brooch at her waist or a ring on her fingers—sometimes he thought that it would be pleasant to slip a long string of pearls about her neck and a band of frosted diamonds about her wrist, to see her eyes widen at their whiteness. still, this way she was dearer, with flowers for her jewels—better leave the pearls alone—pearls were for tears.
it was incredible how radiant she looked those days; when she came through the door with her flying step and her flying smile the very kitten would purr at the sight of her; her eyes said that the secret that they knew was more delightful and amusing than ever, and her hands were always full of flowers.
63 and then there was the day that she came in looking so exultant that she frightened him; it wasn’t fair that she should look so happy when she didn’t know about the house on the hill, or the gray roadster, or the lucky person who was going to give them to her—it wasn’t fair and it was rather terrifying. perhaps it would be better not to wait any longer to tell her about them; she couldn’t be disdainful and unkind through all that happiness. of course he would lead up to it skilfully. he wasn’t a blundering schoolboy; he was a man of the world, rather more than sophisticated, with all his wits about him and a light touch. he would catch her eye and smile, deferential and whimsical, and try some casual opening—“our friend the kitten” or “good old jules slower than usual—spring turns the best of us to idlers!” and the rest would follow as the night the day—or better still, as the day the night. it mightn’t be a bad idea to upset something—his wine glass, for instance; he raised a reckless hand, with a swift glance at the next table—and then he dropped it. she was reading a letter, an incredibly long letter, page after page of someone’s office paper covered with thick black words that marched triumphantly across the sheets, and her face was flooded with such eloquent light that he jerked back his head swiftly, as though he had been reading over her64 shoulder. he could not speak to her with that light on her face; he sat watching her read it through twice, feeling cold and sick and lonely. he was afraid—he was afraid—he would speak to her to-morrow——
to-morrow came, and with it his lady in a green muslin frock, and a shadowy hat wreathed with lilacs; he noted with a slow breath of relief that she had no brief case, no book, no letters. his coast was clear then at least; this day she had no better comrade to share her table—he would go to her, and ask her to understand. he had risen to his feet before he saw that she had not taken off her hat; she was sitting with her head a little bent, as though she was looking at something on the table, her face shadowed by the drooping hat, her hands clasped before her—and then benedick saw what she was looking at. there was a ring on her finger, a small, trivial, inconsequential diamond, sparkling in its little golden claw like a frivolous dewdrop; and suddenly she bent her head, and kissed it. he sat down, slowly and stiffly—he felt old. he did not even see her go; it was jules’ voice that made him lift his head.
“ah, le printemps, le printemps! v’là la jolie demoiselle qui s’est fiancée.”
“yes,” said benedick. “spring—in spring it is agreeable to have a fiancé.”
65 “monsieur, perhaps, knows who she is?”
“no,” replied monsieur amiably. “but she is, as you say, a pretty girl.”
“she is more than that, if monsieur pardons. the man whose bride she will be has a little treasure straight from the good god. what a nature—what a nature! generous as a queen with her silver, but she turns it to gold with her smile. monsieur has perhaps noted her smile?”
“no,” replied monsieur, still amiably. “bring me a bottle of the widow clicquot, however, and i will drink to her smile. bring a large bottle so that i can drink often. it might be better to bring two.”
he drank both of them under the eyes of the horrified jules; it took him all of the afternoon and part of the evening to accomplish it, but he won out. all during the hours that he sat sipping the yellow stuff he was driving his mind in circles, round and round over the same unyielding ground, round and round again. it was a hideous mistake, of course; there was nothing irretrievable in an engagement. he could make her see how impossible it was in just a few minutes; it might be a little hard on this other fellow at first, but that couldn’t be helped. he hadn’t been looking for her, starving for her, longing for her all the days of his life, this other fellow, had he? probably he had told half-a-dozen girls he loved them—well,66 let him find another to tell. but benedick—whom else had benedick loved? no one, no one, all the days of his life.
surely she would see that; surely when he told her about the white house and the gray roadster she would understand that he couldn’t let her go. he had been lonely too long—he had been hard and bitter and reckless too long—he would tell her how black and empty a thing was loneliness; when she saw how desperately he needed her, she would stay. when he told her about the two corner cupboards in the low-ceilinged dining room, full of lilac lustre and sprigged lowestoft, and the painted red chairs in the kitchen, and the little stool for her feet with the fat white poodle embroidered in cross-stitch, she would see all the other things that he had never told her! there was the tarnished mirror with the painted clipper spreading all its sails—he had hung it so that it would catch her smile when she first crossed the threshold; there was the little room at the head of the stairs that the sun always shone into—he had built shelves there himself, and put in all his jules verne and r. l. s. and oliver optic and robin hood and the three musketeers and some unspeakably bad ones of henty; he had been waiting for her to tell him what kind of books little girls read, and then he was going to put them67 in, too. of course she couldn’t understand those things unless he told her—to-morrow when she came he would tell her everything and she would understand, and be sorry that she had hurt him; she would never go away again.
at eleven o’clock jules once more despairingly suggested that monsieur must be indeed fatigued, and that it would perhaps be better if monsieur retired. monsieur, however, explained with great determination and considerable difficulty that he had an extremely important engagement to keep, and that all things considered, he would wait there until he kept it. true, it was not until to-morrow, but he was not going to take any chances; he would wait where he was. raoul was called in, and expostulated fervently, “mais enfin, monsieur! ce n’est pas convenable, monsieur!”
monsieur smiled at him, vague and obstinate, and raoul finally departed with a gallic shrug, leaving poor jules in charge, who sat nodding reproachfully in a far corner, with an occasional harrowed glance at the other occupant of the room. the other occupant sat very stiff and straight far into the night; it was toward morning that he made a curious sound, between defeat and despair, and dropped his dark head on his arms, and slept. once he stirred, and cried desperately: “don’t go—don’t go, don’t go!”
68 jules was at his side in a moment, forgiving and solicitous.
“monsieur désire?”
and monsieur started up and stared at him strangely—only to shake his head, and once more bury it deep in his arms. it was not jules who could get what monsieur desired....
it was late the next morning when he waked and he consumed a huge amount of black coffee, and sat back in his corner, haggard and unshaven, with a withered flower in his buttonhole, waiting for her to come through the door—but she did not come. not that day, nor the next, nor the next; he sat in his corner from twelve to two, waiting, with a carefully mocking smile on his lips and a curious expression in his eyes, wary and incredulous. he had worked himself into an extremely reasonable state of mind; a state of mind in which he was acidly amused at himself and tepidly interested in watching the curtain fall on the comedy—he blamed a good deal on the spring and a taste for ridiculously unbalanced literature; the whole performance was at once diverting and distasteful. this kind of mania came from turning his back on pleasant flirtations and normal affaires de c?ur; it was a neatly ironical punishment that the god of comedy was meting out to pay him for his overweening sense of superiority. well, it was69 merited—and it was over! but he still sat in the corner, watching, and the fourth day the door opened, and she came in.
she had on a gray dress, with a trail of yellow roses across her hat and a knot of them at her waist, and a breeze came in with her. she stood hesitating for a moment in the sunlight, and then she went quickly to where geneviève sat at her high desk, and stretched out her hands, with a pretty gesture, shy and proud. the sunlight fell across them, catching at a circle above the diamond ring—a little golden circle, very new and bright. benedick rose to his feet, pushing back his chair—he brushed by her so close that he could smell the roses; he closed the brown door behind him gently and leaned against it, staring down the shining street, where the green leaves danced, joyous and sedate, upon the stunted trees. well, the curtain had fallen on the comedy; that was over. after a minute, he shrugged his shoulders, and strolled leisurely down to the real-estate agent and sold him the little white house, lock, stock, and barrel, including some rather good china and a lot of old junk that he had picked up here and there. it was fortunate that the young couple from gramercy square wanted it; he was willing to let it go for a song. yes, there was a view of the sound, and he’d done quite a lot of planting; oh, yes,70 there was a room that could be used as a nursery—lots of sun. there was his signature, and there was the end of it—the papers could be sent to his lawyers. he then sauntered over to his sister-in-law’s and presented her with the gray roadster; he was about fed up with motoring, and he’d changed his mind about airedales. dogs were a nuisance. after a little pleasant banter he dropped in at the club and played three extremely brilliant rubbers of auction, and signed up for a stag theatre party to see a rather nasty little french farce. he didn’t touch any of the numerous cocktails—he wasn’t going to pay her the compliment of getting drunk again—but he laughed harder than any one at the farce, and made a good many comments that were more amusing than the play, and his best friend and his worst enemy agreed that they had never seen him in such high spirits.
he went back to the apartment humming to himself, and yawned ostentatiously for harishidi’s benefit, and left word not to wake him in the morning—and yawned again, and went to bed. he lay there in the blackness for what seemed hours, listening to his heart beat; there was a tune that kept going round in his head, some idiotic thing by an elizabethan—“fair and kind”—he must go lighter on the coffee. “was never face so pleased my mind——” coffee played the deuce with your71 nerves. “passing by——” oh, to hell with it! he stumbled painfully out of bed, groping his way to the living room, jerking on the light with a violence that nearly broke the cord. one o’clock; the damned clock must have stopped. no, it was still ticking away, relentless and competent. he stood staring about him irresolutely for a moment, and then moved slowly to the florentine chest, fumbling at the drawer. yes, there it was—“an elizabethan song, sung by mr. roger grahame”—“there was a lady, fair and kind”—there was a lady—— he flung up the window with a gesture of passionate haste, and leaning far out, hurled the little black disk into deeper blackness. far off he heard a tinkling splinter from the area; he closed the window, and pulled the cord on the wrought-iron lamp, and stumbled back to the renaissance bed.
he was shaking uncontrollably, like someone in a chill, and he had a sickening desire to weep—to lay his hot cheek against some kind hand, and weep away the hardness and the bitterness and despair. loathsome, brain-sick fool! he clenched his hands and glared defiance to the darkness, he who had not wept since a voice had ceased to read him fairy tales a long time ago. after eternities of staring the hands relaxed, and he turned his head, and slept.72 he woke with a start—there was something salt and bitter on his lips; he brushed it away fiercely, and the clock in the living room struck four. after that he did not sleep again; he set his teeth and stared wide-eyed into the shadows—he would not twice be trapped to shame. he was still lying there when the sun drifted through the window; he turned his face to the wall, so that he would not see it, but he did not unclench his teeth....
it was june, and he took a passage for norway, and tore it up the day that the boat sailed. there was a chance in a thousand that she might need him, and it would be like that grim cat fate to drop him off in norway when he might serve her. for two or three days she had been looking pale; the triumphant happiness that for so long she had flaunted in his face, joyous and unheeding, was wavering like the rose-red in her lips. it was probably nothing but the heat; why couldn’t that fool she had married see that she couldn’t stand heat? she should be sitting somewhere against green pines, with the sea in her eyes and a breeze lifting the bright hair from her forehead.
she never read any more. she sat idle with her hands linked before her; it must be something worse than heat that was painting those shadows under her eyes, that look of heart-breaking patience about her lips. and benedick, who had flinched73 from her happiness, suddenly desired it more passionately than he had ever desired anything else in his life. let the cur who had touched that gay courage to this piteous submission give it back—let him give it back—he would ask nothing more. how could a man live black enough to make her suffer? she hardly touched the food that was placed before her; jules hovered about her in distress, and she tried to smile at him—and benedick turned his eyes from that smile. she would sit very quiet, staring at her linked hands with their two circles, as though she were afraid to breathe—she, to whom the air had seemed flowers and wine and music. once he saw her lips shake, terribly, though a moment later she lifted her head with the old, valiant gesture, and went out smiling.
then for a day she did not come—for another day—for another—and when once more she stood in the door, benedick felt his heart give a great leap, and stand still. she was in black, black from head to foot, with a strange little veil that hid her eyes. she crossed the room to her table, and sat down quietly, and ordered food, and ate, and drank a little wine. after jules had taken the things away she still sat there, pressing her hands together, her lips quite steady—only when she unlinked them, he saw the faint red crescents where the nails had cut.
74 so that was why she had had shadows painted beneath her eyes; he had been ill, the man who had given her the rings; he had died. it would be cruel to break the hushed silence that hung about her with his clumsy pity, but soon he would go to her and say, “do not be sad. sadness is an ugly thing, believe me. i cannot give you what he gave you, perhaps, but here is the heart from my body. it is cold and hard and empty; take it in your hands, and warm it. my need of you is greater than your need of him—you can not leave me.” he would say that to her, after a little while.
the gray kitten touched her black skirt with its paw, and she caught it up swiftly, and laid her cheek against its fur. it was no longer the round puff that she had first smiled on, but it was still soft—it still purred. she put it down very gently, and rose, looking about her as on that first day; at the place where the fire had burned in the corner, at the pansies, jaded and drooping in their green pots; once again her eyes swept by benedick as though he were not there. they lingered on geneviève for a moment, and when they met jules’ anxious, faithful gaze she parted her lips as though to speak, and gave it up with a little shake of her head, and smiled instead—a piteous and a lovely smile—and she was gone....
75 he never saw her again. that was not a hundred years ago—no, and it was not yesterday; the steel has come into his hair and his eyes since then, but sometimes he still goes to raoul’s to lunch, and sits at the corner table, where he can see the brown door. who can tell when it might open and let in the spring—who can tell what day might find her standing there once more, with her gay eyes and her tilted lips and the sunlight dancing in her hair?
benedick’s best friend and his worst enemy and the world and his pretty sister-in-law are very wise, no doubt, but once—once there was a lady—— he never touched the tip of her fingers, but she was the only lady that benedick ever loved.