mrs tipps goes on a journey, and meets a gentleman who, with much assurance, comments freely on insurance.

on a particular holiday, it was advertised that a great excursion train would start from the clatterby station at a certain hour. at the appointed time the long line of carriages was pushed up to the platform by our friend john marrot, who was appointed that day to drive the train.

“bill,” remarked john to his mate, “it’ll be a biggish train. there’s an uncommon lot o’ people on the platform.”

“they’re pretty thick,” replied will garvie, wiping his countenance with a piece of waste, which, while it removed the perspiration, left behind a good deal of oil, and streaked his nose with coal-dust. but will was not particular!

the excursionists were indeed unusually numerous. it chanced to be a fine day, and the platform was densely crowded with human beings, many of whom moved, when movement was possible, in groups, showing that there were various sections that had a common aim and interest, and meant to keep together as much as possible. there were men there who had evidently made up their minds to a thoroughly enjoyable day, and women whose aspect was careworn but cheerful, to whom a holiday was probably a memorable event in the year. of young people there was of course a considerable sprinkling, and amongst the crowd could be seen a number of individuals whose amused expression of countenance and general aspect bespoke them ordinary travellers, who meant to avail themselves of a “cheap train.” all classes and conditions of men, women, and children were hustling each other in a state of great excitement; but the preponderating class was that which is familiarly though not very respectfully styled “the masses.”

mrs marrot was there too—much against her will—and little gertie. a sister of the former, who lived about twenty miles from clatterby, had, a short time before, made her husband a present of a fine fat pugilistic boy, and mrs m felt constrained to pay her a visit.

john was on the look-out for his wife and child, so was will garvie. the former waved a piece of cotton-waste to her when she arrived; she caught sight of him and gave him a cheerful nod in reply; and an unexpressed blessing on his weather-beaten face arose in her heart as garvie pushed through the crowd and conducted her and gertie to a carriage.

timid little mrs tipps was also there. it is probable that no power on earth, save that of physical force, could have induced mrs tipps to enter an excursion train, for which above all other sorts of trains she entertained a species of solemn horror. but the excitement consequent on the unexpected recovery of the diamond ring, and the still more unexpected accession of wealth consequent thereon, had induced her to smother her dislike to railways for a time, and avail herself of their services in order to run down to a town about twenty miles off for the purpose of telling the good news to netta, who chanced to be on a short visit to a friend there at the time. when mrs tipps reached the station, her ignorance of railway matters, and the confused mental state which was her normal condition, prevented her from observing that the train was an excursion one. she therefore took out a first-class ticket and also an insurance ticket for 500 pounds, for which latter she paid sixpence! her ignorance and perturbation also prevented her from observing that this rate of insurance was considerably higher than she was accustomed to pay, owing to the fact of the train being an excursion one. if she had been going by an ordinary train, she could have insured 1000 pounds, first-class, for 3 pence; half that sum, second-class, for 2 pence; and 200 pounds, third-class, for the ridiculously small sum of one penny!

good mrs tipps held the opinion so firmly that accident was the usual, and all but inevitable, accompaniment of railway travelling, that she invariably insured her life when compelled to undertake a journey. it was of no avail that her son joseph pointed out to her that accidents were in reality few and far between, and that they bore an excessively small proportion to the numbers of journeys undertaken annually; mrs tipps was not to be moved. in regard to that subject she had, to use one of her late husband’s phrases, “nailed her colours to the mast,” and could not haul them down even though she would. she therefore, when about to undertake a journey, invariably took out an insurance ticket, as we have said,—and this, solely with a views to netta’s future benefit.

we would not have it supposed that we object, here, to the principle of insuring against accident. on the contrary, we consider that principle to be a wise one, and, in some cases, one that becomes almost a duty.

when mrs tipps discovered that mrs marrot and gertie were going by the same train, she was so much delighted at the unlooked-for companionship that she at once entered the third-class, where they sat, and began to make herself comfortable beside them, but presently recollecting that she had a first-class ticket she started up and insisted on mrs marrot and gertie going first-class along with her, saying that she would pay the difference. mrs marrot remonstrated, but mrs tipps, strong in her natural liberality of spirit which had been rather wildly set free by her recent good fortune, would not be denied.

“you must come with me, mrs marrot,” she said. “i’m so frightened in railways, you have no idea what a relief it is to me to have any one near me whom i know. i will change your tickets; let me have them, quick; we have no time to lose—there—now, wait till i return. oh! i forgot your insurance tickets.”

“w’y, bless you, ma’am, we never insures.”

“you never insure!” exclaimed mrs tipps in amazement; “and it only costs you threepence for one thousand pounds.”

“well, i don’t know nothink as to that—” said mrs marrot.

before she could finish the sentence mrs tipps was gone.

she returned in breathless haste, beckoned mrs marrot and gertie to follow her, and was finally hurried with them into a first-class carriage just as the train began to move.

their only other companion in the carriage was a stout little old gentleman with a bright complexion, speaking eyes, and a countenance in which benevolence appeared to struggle with enthusiasm for the mastery. he was obviously one of those men who delight in conversation, and he quickly took an opportunity of engaging in it. observing that mrs tipps presented an insurance ticket to each of her companions, he said—

“i am glad to see, madam, that you are so prudent as to insure the lives of your friends.”

“i always insure my own life,” replied mrs tipps with a little smile, “and feel it incumbent on me at least to advise my friends to do the same.”

“quite right, quite right, madam,” replied the enthusiastic little man, applying his handkerchief to his bald pate with such energy that it shone like a billiard ball, “quite right, madam. i only wish that the public at large were equally alive to the great value of insurance against accident. w’y, ma’am, it’s a duty, a positive duty,” (here he addressed himself to mrs marrot) “to insure one’s life against accident.”

“oh la! sir, is it?” said mrs marrot, quite earnestly.

“yes, it is. why, look here—this is your child?”

he laid his hand gently on gertie’s head.

“yes, sir, she is.”

“well, my good woman, suppose that you are a widow and are killed,” (mrs marrot looked as if she would rather not suppose anything of the sort), “what i ask, what becomes of your child?—left a beggar; an absolute beggar!”

he looked quite triumphantly at mrs tipps and her companions, and waited a few seconds as if to allow the idea to exert its full force on them.

“but, sir,” observed mrs marrot meekly, “supposin’ that there do be an accident,” (she shivered a little), “that ticket won’t prevent me bein’ killed, you know?”

“no, ma’am, no; but it will prevent your sweet daughter from being left a beggar—that is, on the supposition that you are a widow.”

“w’ich i ain’t sir, i’m happy to say,” remarked mrs marrot; “but, sir, supposin’ we was both of us killed—”

she paused abruptly as if she had committed a sin in merely giving utterance to the idea.

“why, then, your other children would get the 500 pounds—or your heirs, whoever they may be. it’s a splendid system that, of insurance against accident. just look at me, now.” he spread out his hands and displayed himself, looking from one to the other as if he were holding up to admiration something rare and beautiful. “just look at me. i’m off on a tour of three months through england, scotland, and ireland—not for my health, madam, as you may see—but for scientific purposes. well, what do i do? i go to the railway passengers assurance company’s office, 64 cornhill, london, (i like to be particular, you see, as becomes one who professes to be an amateur student of the exact sciences), and i take out what they call a short term policy of insurance against accidents of all kinds for a thousand pounds—1000 pounds, observe—for which i pay the paltry sum of 30 shillings—1 pound, 10 shillings. well, what then? away i go, leaving behind me, with perfect indifference, a wife and two little boys. remarkable little boys, madam, i assure you. perfect marvels of health and intelligence, both of ’em—two little boys, madam, which have not been equalled since cain and abel were born. every one says so, with the exception of a few of the cynical and jaundiced among men and women. and, pray, why am i so indifferent? just because they are provided for. they have a moderately good income secured to them as it is, and the 1000 pounds which i have insured on my life will render it a competence in the event of my being killed. it will add 50 pounds a year to their income, which happens to be the turning-point of comfort. and what of myself? why, with a perfectly easy conscience, i may go and do what i please. if i get drowned in loch katrine—what matter? if i break my neck in the gap of dunloe—what matter? if i get lost and frozen on the steeps of ben nevis or goatfell—what matter? if i am crushed to death in a railway accident, or get entangled in machinery and am torn to atoms—still i say, what matter? 1000 pounds must at once be paid down to my widow and children, and all because of the pitiful sum of 30 shillings.

“but suppose,” continued the enthusiastic man, deepening his tone as he became more earnest, “suppose that i am not killed, but only severely injured and mangled so as to be utterly unfit to attend to my worldly affairs—what then?”

mrs tipps shuddered to think of “what then.”

“why,” continued the enthusiastic gentleman, “i shall in that case be allowed from the company 6 pounds a week, until recovered, or, in the event of my sinking under my injuries within three months after the accident, the whole sum of 1000 pounds will be paid to my family.”

mrs tipps smiled and nodded her head approvingly, but mrs marrot still looked dubious.

“but, sir,” she said, “supposin’ you don’t get either hurt or killed?”

“why then,” replied the elderly gentleman, “i’m all right of course, and only 50 shillings out of pocket, which, you must admit, is but a trifling addition to the expenses of a three months’ tour. besides, have i not had three months of an easy mind, and of utter regardlessness as to my life and limbs? have not my wife and boys had three months of easy minds and indifference to my life and limbs also! is not all that cheaply purchased at 30 shillings? while the sum itself, i have the satisfaction of knowing, goes to increase the funds of that excellent company which enables you and me and thousands of others to become so easy-minded and reckless, and which, at the same time, pays its fortunate shareholders a handsome dividend.”

“really, sir,” said mrs tipps, laughing, “you talk so enthusiastically of this insurance company that i almost suspect you to be a director of it.”

“madam,” replied the elderly gentleman with some severity, “if i were a director of it, which i grieve to say i am not, i should only be doing my simple duty to it and to you in thus urging it on your attention. but i am altogether uninterested in it, except as a philanthropist. i see and feel that it does good to myself and to my fellow-men, therefore i wish my fellow-men to appreciate it more highly than they do, for it not only insures against accident by railway, but against all kinds of accidents; while its arrangements are made to suit the convenience of the public in every possible way.”

“why, madam,” he continued, kindling up again and polishing his head violently, “only think, for the small sum of 4 pounds paid annually, it insures that you shall have paid to your family, if you chance to be killed, the sum of 1000 pounds, or, if not killed, 6 pounds a week while you are totally laid up, and 1 pound, 10 shillings a week while you are only partially disabled. and yet, would you believe it, many persons who see the value of this, and begin the wise course of insurance, go on for only a few years and then foolishly give it up—disappointed, i presume, that no accident has happened to them! see, here is one of their pamphlets!”

he pulled a paper out of his pocket energetically, and put on a pair of gold spectacles, through which he looked when consulting the pamphlet, and over which he glanced when observing the effect of what he read on mrs tipps.

“what do i find—eh? ha—yes—here it is—a cornish auctioneer pushed back a window shutter—these are the very words, madam—what more he did to that shutter, or what it did to him, is not told, but he must have come by some damage, because he received 55 pounds. a london clerk got his eye injured by a hair-pin in his daughter’s hair—how suggestive that is, madam! what a picture it calls up of a wearied toil-worn man fondling his child of an evening—pressing his cheek to her fair head—and what a commentary it is (he became very stern here) on the use of such barbarous implements as hair-pins! i am not punning, madam; i am much too serious to pun; i should have used the word savage instead of barbarous.

“now, what was the result? this company gave that clerk compensation to the extent of 26 pounds. again, a medical practitioner fell through the floor of a room. it must have been a bad, as it certainly was a strange, fall—probably he was heavy and the floor decayed—at all events that fall procured him 120 pounds. a cardiff agent was bathing his feet—why, we are not told, but imagination is not slow to comprehend the reason, when the severity of our climate is taken into account; he broke the foot-pan—a much less comprehensible thing—and the breaking of that foot-pan did him damage, for which he was compensated with 52 pounds, 16 shillings. again, a merchant of birkenhead was paid 20 pounds for playing with his children!”

“dear me, sir!” exclaimed mrs marrot in surprise, “surely—”

“of course, my good woman,” said the elderly gentleman, “you are to understand that he came by some damage while doing so, but i give you the exact words of the pamphlet. it were desirable that a little more information had been given just to gratify our curiosity. now, these that i have read are under the head of ‘accidents at home.’ under other ‘heads,’ we find a farmer suffocated by the falling in of a sand-pit, for which his representatives received 1000 pounds. another thousand is paid to the heirs of a poor dyer who fell into a vat of boiling liquor; while, in regard to smaller matters, a warehouseman, whose finger caught in the cog-wheel of a crane, received 30 pounds. and, again, here is 1000 pounds to a gentleman killed in a railway accident, and 100 pounds to a poor woman. the latter had insured for a single trip in an excursion train at a charge of two-pence, while the former had a policy of insurance extending over a considerable period, for which he probably paid twenty or thirty shillings. these are but samples, madam, of the good service rendered to sorrowing humanity by this assurance company, which, you must observe, makes no pretensions to philanthropic aims, but is based simply on business principles. and i find that the total amount of compensation paid in this manner daring one year by this company amounts to about 72,000 pounds.”

as mrs marrot yawned at this point and mrs tipps appeared somewhat mystified, the enthusiastic gentleman smiled, put away his pamphlet, and wisely changed the subject. he commented on the extreme beauty of the weather, and how fortunate this state of things was for the people who went to the country for a day’s enjoyment. thus pleasantly he whiled away the time, and ingratiated himself with gertie, until they arrived at the station where mrs tipps and mrs marrot had to get out, and where many of the excursionists got out along with them. while the former went their several ways, arranging to meet in the evening and return together by the same train, the latter scattered themselves over the neighbouring common and green fields, and, sitting down under the hedgerows among the wild-flowers, pic-nicked in the sunshine, or wandered about the lanes, enjoying the song of birds and scent of flowers, and wishing, perchance, that their lot had been cast among the green pastures of the country, rather than amid the din and smoke and turmoil of the town.