troubles of a tourist agent.—his views on tourists.—the english woman abroad.—and at home.—the ugliest cathedral in europe.—old masters and new.—victual-and-drink-scapes.—the german band.—a “beer garden.”—not the women to turn a man’s head.—difficulty of dining to music.—why one should keep one’s mug shut.

i think myself it is saturday. b. says it is only friday; but i am positive i have had three cold baths since we left ober-ammergau, which we did on wednesday morning. if it is only friday, then i have had two morning baths in one day. anyhow, we shall know to-morrow by the shops being open or shut.

we travelled from oberau with a tourist agent, and he told us all his troubles. it seems that a tourist agent is an ordinary human man, and has feelings just like we have. this had never occurred to me before. i told him so.

“no,” he replied, “it never does occur to you tourists. you treat us as if we were mere providence, or even the government itself. if all goes well, you say, what is the good of us, contemptuously; and if things go wrong, you say, what is the good of us, indignantly. i work sixteen hours a day to fix things comfortably for you, and you cannot even look satisfied; while if a train is late, or a hotel proprietor overcharges, you come and bully me about it. if i see after you, you mutter that i am officious; and if i leave you alone, you grumble that i am neglectful. you swoop down in your hundreds upon a tiny village like ober-ammergau without ever letting us know even that you are coming, and then threaten to write to the times because there is not a suite of apartments and a hot dinner waiting ready for each of you.

“you want the best lodgings in the place, and then, when at a tremendous cost of trouble, they have been obtained for you, you object to pay the price asked for them. you all try and palm yourselves off for dukes and duchesses, travelling in disguise. you have none of you ever heard of a second-class railway carriage—didn’t know that such things were made. you want a first-class pullman car reserved for each two of you. some of you have seen an omnibus in the distance, and have wondered what it was used for. to suggest that you should travel in such a plebeian conveyance, is to give you a shock that takes you two days to recover from. you expect a private carriage, with a footman in livery, to take you through the mountains. you, all of you, must have the most expensive places in the theatre. the eight-mark and six-mark places are every bit as good as the ten-mark seats, of which there are only a very limited number; but you are grossly insulted if it is hinted that you should sit in anything but the dearest chairs. if the villagers would only be sensible and charge you ten marks for the eight-mark places you would be happy; but they won’t.”

i must candidly confess that the english-speaking people one meets with on the continent are, taken as a whole, a most disagreeable contingent. one hardly ever hears the english language spoken on the continent, without hearing grumbling and sneering.

the women are the most objectionable. foreigners undoubtedly see the very poorest specimens of the female kind we anglo-saxons have to show. the average female english or american tourist is rude and self-assertive, while, at the same time, ridiculously helpless and awkward. she is intensely selfish, and utterly inconsiderate of others; everlastingly complaining, and, in herself, drearily uninteresting. we travelled down in the omnibus from ober-ammergau with three perfect specimens of the species, accompanied by the usual miserable-looking man, who has had all the life talked out of him. they were grumbling the whole of the way at having been put to ride in an omnibus. it seemed that they had never been so insulted in their lives before, and they took care to let everybody in the vehicle know that they had paid for first-class, and that at home they kept their own carriage. they were also very indignant because the people at the house where they had lodged had offered to shake hands with them at parting. they did not come to ober-ammergau to be treated on terms of familiarity by german peasants, they said.

there are many women in the world who are in every way much better than angels. they are gentle and gracious, and generous and kind, and unselfish and good, in spite of temptations and trials to which mere angels are never subjected. and there are also many women in the world who, under the clothes, and not unfrequently under the title of a lady, wear the heart of an underbred snob. having no natural dignity, they think to supply its place with arrogance. they mistake noisy bounce for self-possession, and supercilious rudeness as the sign of superiority. they encourage themselves in sleepy stupidity under the impression that they are acquiring aristocratic “repose.” they would appear to have studied “attitude” from the pages of the london journal, coquetry from barmaids—the commoner class of barmaids, i mean—wit from three-act farces, and manners from the servants’-hall. to be gushingly fawning to those above them, and vulgarly insolent to everyone they consider below them, is their idea of the way to hold and improve their position, whatever it may be, in society; and to be brutally indifferent to the rights and feelings of everybody else in the world is, in their opinion, the hall-mark of gentle birth.

they are the women you see at private views, pushing themselves in front of everybody else, standing before the picture so that no one can get near it, and shouting out their silly opinions, which they evidently imagine to be brilliantly satirical remarks, in strident tones: the women who, in the stalls of the theatre, talk loudly all through the performance; and who, having arrived in the middle of the first act, and made as much disturbance as they know how, before settling down in their seats, ostentatiously get up and walk out before the piece is finished: the women who, at dinner-party and “at home”—that cheapest and most deadly uninteresting of all deadly uninteresting social functions—(you know the receipt for a fashionable “at home,” don’t you? take five hundred people, two-thirds of whom do not know each other, and the other third of whom cordially dislike each other, pack them, on a hot day, into a room capable of accommodating forty, leave them there to bore one another to death for a couple of hours with drawing-room philosophy and second-hand scandal; then give them a cup of weak tea, and a piece of crumbly cake, without any plate to eat it on; or, if it is an evening affair, a glass of champagne of the you-don’t-forget-you’ve-had-it-for-a-week brand, and a ham-sandwich, and put them out into the street again)—can do nothing but make spiteful remarks about everybody whose name and address they happen to know: the women who, in the penny ’bus (for, in her own country, the lady of the new school is wonderfully economical and business-like), spreads herself out over the seat, and, looking indignant when a tired little milliner gets in, would leave the poor girl standing with her bundle for an hour, rather than make room for her—the women who write to the papers to complain that chivalry is dead!

b., who has been looking over my shoulder while i have been writing the foregoing, after the manner of a family herald story-teller’s wife in the last chapter (fancy a man having to write the story of his early life and adventures with his wife looking over his shoulder all the time! no wonder the tales lack incident), says that i have been living too much on sauerkraut and white wine; but i reply that if anything has tended to interfere for a space with the deep-seated love and admiration that, as a rule, i entertain for all man and woman-kind, it is his churches and picture-galleries.

we have seen enough churches and pictures since our return to munich to last me for a very long while. i shall not go to church, when i get home again, more than twice a sunday, for months to come.

the inhabitants of munich boast that their cathedral is the ugliest in europe; and, judging from appearances, i am inclined to think that the claim must be admitted. anyhow, if there be an uglier one, i hope i am feeling well and strong when i first catch sight of it.

as for pictures and sculptures, i am thoroughly tired of them. the greatest art critic living could not dislike pictures and sculptures more than i do at this moment. we began by spending a whole morning in each gallery. we examined each picture critically, and argued with each other about its “form” and “colour” and “treatment” and “perspective” and “texture” and “atmosphere.” i generally said it was flat, and b. that it was out of drawing. a stranger overhearing our discussions would have imagined that we knew something about painting. we would stand in front of a canvas for ten minutes, drinking it in. we would walk round it, so as to get the proper light upon it and to better realise the artist’s aim. we would back away from it on to the toes of the people behind, until we reached the correct “distance,” and then sit down and shade our eyes, and criticise it from there; and then we would go up and put our noses against it, and examine the workmanship in detail.

this is how we used to look at pictures in the early stages of our munich art studies. now we use picture galleries to practise spurts in.

i did a hundred yards this morning through the old pantechnicon in twenty-two and a half seconds, which, for fair heel-and-toe walking, i consider very creditable. b. took five-eighths of a second longer for the same distance; but then he dawdled to look at a raphael.

the “pantechnicon,” i should explain, is the name we have, for our own purposes, given to what the munichers prefer to call the pinakothek. we could never pronounce pinakothek properly. we called it “pynniosec,” “pintactec,” and the “happy tack.” b. one day after dinner called it the “penny cock,” and then we both got frightened, and agreed to fix up some sensible, practical name for it before any mischief was done. we finally decided on “pantechnicon,” which begins with a “p,” and is a dignified, old-established name, and one that we can both pronounce. it is quite as long, and nearly as difficult to spell, before you know how, as the other, added to which it has a homely sound. it seemed to be the very word.

the old pantechnicon is devoted to the works of the old masters; i shall not say anything about these, as i do not wish to disturb in any way the critical opinion that europe has already formed concerning them. i prefer that the art schools of the world should judge for themselves in the matter. i will merely remark here, for purposes of reference, that i thought some of the pictures very beautiful, and that others i did not care for.

what struck me as most curious about the exhibition was the number of canvases dealing with food stuffs. twenty-five per cent. of the pictures in the place seem to have been painted as advertisements for somebody’s home-grown seeds, or as coloured supplements to be given away with the summer number of the leading gardening journal of the period.

“what could have induced these old fellows,” i said to b., “to choose such very uninteresting subjects? who on earth cares to look at the life-sized portrait of a cabbage and a peck of peas, or at these no doubt masterly representations of a cut from the joint with bread and vegetables? look at that ‘view in a ham-and-beef shop,’ no. 7063, size sixty feet by forty. it must have taken the artist a couple of years to paint. who did he expect was going to buy it? and that christmas-hamper scene over in the corner; was it painted, do you think, by some poor, half-starved devil, who thought he would have something to eat in the house, if it were only a picture of it?”

b. said he thought that the explanation was that the ancient patrons of art were gentry with a very strong idea of the fitness of things. for “their churches and cathedrals,” said b., “they had painted all those virgins and martyrs and over-fed angels that you see everywhere about europe. for their bedrooms, they ordered those—well, those bedroom sort of pictures, that you may have noticed here and there; and then i expect they used these victual-and-drink-scapes for their banqueting halls. it must have been like a gin-and-bitters to them, the sight of all that food.”

in the new pantechnicon is exhibited the modern art of germany. this appeared to me to be exceedingly poor stuff. it seemed to belong to the illustrated christmas number school of art. it was good, sound, respectable work enough. there was plenty of colour about it, and you could tell what everything was meant for. but there seemed no imagination, no individuality, no thought, anywhere. each picture looked as though it could have been produced by anyone who had studied and practised art for the requisite number of years, and who was not a born fool. at all events, this is my opinion; and, as i know nothing whatever about art, i speak without prejudice.

one thing i have enjoyed at munich very much, and that has been the music. the german band that you hear in the square in london while you are trying to compose an essay on the civilising influence of music, is not the sort of band that you hear in germany. the german bands that come to london are bands that have fled from germany, in order to save their lives. in germany, these bands would be slaughtered at the public expense and their bodies given to the poor for sausages. the bands that the germans keep for themselves are magnificent bands.

munich of all places in the now united fatherland, has, i suppose, the greatest reputation for its military bands, and the citizens are allowed, not only to pay for them, but to hear them. two or three times a day in different parts of the city one or another of them will be playing pro bono publico, and, in the evening, they are loaned out by the authorities to the proprietors of the big beer-gardens.

“go” and dash are the chief characteristics of their method; but, when needed, they can produce from the battered, time-worn trumpets, which have been handed down from player to player since the regiment was first formed, notes as soft and full and clear as any that could start from the strings of some old violin.

the german band in germany has to know its business to be listened to by a german audience. the bavarian artisan or shopkeeper understands and appreciates good music, as he understands and appreciates good beer. you cannot impose upon him with an inferior article. a music-hall audience in munich are very particular as to how their beloved wagner is rendered, and the trifles from mozart and haydn that they love to take in with their sausages and salad, and which, when performed to their satisfaction, they will thunderously applaud, must not be taken liberties with, or they will know the reason why.

the german beer-garden should be visited by everyone who would see the german people as well as their churches and castles. it is here that the workers of all kinds congregate in the evening. here, after the labours of the day, come the tradesman with his wife and family, the young clerk with his betrothed and—also her mother, alack and well-a-day!—the soldier with his sweetheart, the students in twos and threes, the little grisette with her cousin, the shop-boy and the workman.

here come grey-haired darby and joan, and, over the mug of beer they share between them, they sit thinking of the children—of little lisa, married to clever karl, who is pushing his way in the far-off land that lies across the great sea; of laughing elsie, settled in hamburg, who has grandchildren of her own now; of fair-haired franz, his mother’s pet, who fell in sunny france, fighting for the fatherland. at the next table sits a blushing, happy little maid, full of haughty airs and graces, such as may be excused to a little maid who has just saved a no doubt promising, but at present somewhat awkward-looking, youth from lifelong misery, if not madness and suicide (depend upon it, that is the alternative he put before her), by at last condescending to give him the plump little hand, that he, thinking nobody sees him, holds so tightly beneath the table-cloth. opposite, a family group sit discussing omelettes and a bottle of white wine. the father contented, good-humoured, and laughing; the small child grave and solemn, eating and drinking in business-like fashion; the mother smiling at both, yet not forgetting to eat.

i think one would learn to love these german women if one lived among them for long. there is something so sweet, so womanly, so genuine about them. they seem to shed around them, from their bright, good-tempered faces, a healthy atmosphere of all that is homely, and simple, and good. looking into their quiet, steadfast eyes, one dreams of white household linen, folded in great presses; of sweet-smelling herbs; of savoury, appetising things being cooked for supper; of bright-polished furniture; of the patter of tiny feet; of little high-pitched voices, asking silly questions; of quiet talks in the lamp-lit parlour after the children are in bed, upon important questions of house management and home politics, while long stockings are being darned.

they are not the sort of women to turn a man’s head, but they are the sort of women to lay hold of a man’s heart—very gently at first, so that he hardly knows that they have touched it, and then, with soft, clinging tendrils that wrap themselves tighter and tighter year by year around it, and draw him closer and closer—till, as, one by one, the false visions and hot passions of his youth fade away, the plain homely figure fills more and more his days—till it grows to mean for him all the better, more lasting, true part of life—till he feels that the strong, gentle mother-nature that has stood so long beside him has been welded firmly into his own, and that they twain are now at last one finished whole.

we had our dinner at a beer-garden the day before yesterday. we thought it would be pleasant to eat and drink to the accompaniment of music, but we found that in practice this was not so. to dine successfully to music needs a very strong digestion—especially in bavaria.

the band that performs at a munich beer-garden is not the sort of band that can be ignored. the members of a munich military band are big, broad-chested fellows, and they are not afraid of work. they do not talk much, and they never whistle. they keep all their breath to do their duty with. they do not blow their very hardest, for fear of bursting their instruments; but whatever pressure to the square inch the trumpet, cornet, or trombone, as the case may be, is calculated to be capable of sustaining without permanent injury (and they are tolerably sound and well-seasoned utensils), that pressure the conscientious german bandsman puts upon each square inch of the trumpet, cornet, or trombone, as the case may be.

if you are within a mile of a munich military band, and are not stone deaf, you listen to it, and do not think of much else. it compels your attention by its mere noise; it dominates your whole being by its sheer strength. your mind has to follow it as the feet of the little children followed the playing of the pied piper. whatever you do, you have to do in unison with the band. all through our meal we had to keep time with the music.

we ate our soup to slow waltz time, with the result that every spoonful was cold before we got it up to our mouth. just as the fish came, the band started a quick polka, and the consequence of that was that we had not time to pick out the bones. we gulped down white wine to the “blacksmith’s galop,” and if the tune had lasted much longer we should both have been blind drunk. with the advent of our steaks, the band struck up a selection from wagner.

i know of no modern european composer so difficult to eat beefsteak to as wagner. that we did not choke ourselves is a miracle. wagner’s orchestration is most trying to follow. we had to give up all idea of mustard. b. tried to eat a bit of bread with his steak, and got most hopelessly out of tune. i am afraid i was a little flat myself during the “valkyries’ ride.” my steak was rather underdone, and i could not work it quickly enough.

after getting outside hard beefsteak to wagner, putting away potato salad to the garden music out of faust was comparatively simple. once or twice a slice of potato stuck in our throat during a very high note, but, on the whole, our rendering was fairly artistic.

we rattled off a sweet omelette to a symphony in g—or f, or else k; i won’t be positive as to the precise letter; but it was something in the alphabet, i know—and bolted our cheese to the ballet music from carmen. after which we rolled about in agonies to all the national airs of europe.

if ever you visit a german beer-hall or garden—to study character or anything of that kind—be careful, when you have finished drinking your beer, to shut the cover of the mug down tight. if you leave it with the cover standing open, that is taken as a sign that you want more beer, and the girl snatches it away and brings it back refilled.

b. and i very nearly had an accident one warm night, owing to our ignorance of this custom. each time after we had swallowed the quart, we left the pot, standing before us with the cover up, and each time it was, in consequence, taken away, and brought back to us, brimming full again. after about the sixth time, we gently remonstrated.

“this is very kind of you, my good girl,” b. said, “but really i don’t think we can. i don’t think we ought to. you must not go on doing this sort of thing. we will drink this one now that you have brought it, but we really must insist on its being the last.”

after about the tenth time we expostulated still more strongly.

“now, you know what i told you four quarts ago!” remarked b., severely. “this can’t go on for ever. something serious will be happening. we are not used to your german school of drinking. we are only foreigners. in our own country we are considered rather swagger at this elbow-raising business, and for the credit of old england we have done our best. but now there must be an end to it. i simply decline to drink any more. no, do not press me. not even another gallon!”

“but you both sit there with both your mugs open,” replies the girl in an injured tone.

“what do you mean, ‘we sit with our mugs open’?” asks b. “can’t we have our mugs open if we like?”

“ah, yes,” she explains pathetically; “but then i think you want more beer. gentlemen always open their mugs when they want them filled with beer.”

we kept our mugs shut after that.