a man of family.—an eccentric train.—outrage on an englishman.—alone in europe.—difficulty of making german waiters understand scandinavian.—danger of knowing too many languages.—a wearisome journey.—cologne, ahoy!

there was a very well-informed belgian in the carriage, and he told us something interesting about nearly every town through which we passed. i felt that if i could have kept awake, and have listened to that man, and remembered what he said, and not mixed things up, i should have learnt a good deal about the country between ostend and cologne.

he had relations in nearly every town, had this man. i suppose there have been, and are, families as large and as extensive as his; but i never heard of any other family that made such a show. they seemed to have been planted out with great judgment, and were now all over the country. every time i awoke, i caught some such scattered remark as:

“bruges—you can see the belfry from this side—plays a polka by haydn every hour. my aunt lives here.” “ghent—hôtel de ville, some say finest specimen of gothic architecture in europe—where my mother lives. you could see the house if that church wasn’t there.” “just passed alost—great hop centre. my grandfather used to live there; he’s dead now.” “there’s the royal chateau—here, just on this side. my sister is married to a man who lives there—not in the palace, i don’t mean, but in laeken.” “that’s the dome of the palais de justice—they call brussels ‘paris in little’—i like it better than paris, myself—not so crowded. i live in brussels.” “louvain—there’s van de weyer’s statue, the 1830 revolutionist. my wife’s mother lives in louvain. she wants us to come and live there. she says we are too far away from her at brussels, but i don’t think so.” “leige—see the citadel? got some cousins at leige—only second ones. most of my first ones live at maestricht”; and so on all the way to cologne.

i do not believe we passed a single town or village that did not possess one or more specimens of this man’s relatives. our journey seemed, not so much like a tour through belgium and part of northern germany, as a visit to the neighbourhood where this man’s family resided.

i was careful to take a seat facing the engine at ostend. i prefer to travel that way. but when i awoke a little later on, i found myself going backwards.

i naturally felt indignant. i said:

“who’s put me over here? i was over there, you know. you’ve no right to do that!”

they assured me, however, that nobody had shifted me, but that the train had turned round at ghent.

i was annoyed at this. it seemed to me a mean trick for a train to start off in one direction, and thus lure you into taking your seat (or somebody else’s seat, as the case might be) under the impression that you were going to travel that way, and then, afterwards, turn round and go the other way. i felt very doubtful, in my own mind, as to whether the train knew where it was going at all.

at brussels we got out and had some more coffee and rolls. i forget what language i talked at brussels, but nobody understood me. when i next awoke, after leaving brussels, i found myself going forwards again. the engine had apparently changed its mind for the second time, and was pulling the carriages the other way now. i began to get thoroughly alarmed. this train was simply doing what it liked. there was no reliance to be placed upon it whatever. the next thing it would do would be to go sideways. it seemed to me that i ought to get up and see into this matter; but, while pondering the business, i fell asleep again.

i was very sleepy indeed when they routed us out at herbesthal, to examine our luggage for germany. i had a vague idea that we were travelling in turkey, and had been stopped by brigands. when they told me to open my bag, i said, “never!” and remarked that i was an englishman, and that they had better be careful. i also told them that they could dismiss any idea of ransom from their minds at once, unless they were prepared to take i.o.u.’s, as it was against the principles of our family to pay cash for anything—certainly not for relatives.

they took no notice of my warning, and caught hold of my gladstone. i resisted feebly, but was over-powered, and went to sleep again.

on awakening, i discovered myself in the buffet. i have no recollection of going there. my instinct must have guided me there during my sleep.

i ordered my usual repast of coffee and rolls. (i must have been full of coffee and rolls by this time.) i had got the idea into my head now that i was in norway, and so i ordered them in broken scandinavian, a few words of which i had picked up during a trip through the fiords last summer.

of course, the man did not understand; but i am accustomed to witnessing the confusion of foreigners when addressed in their native tongue, and so forgave him—especially as, the victuals being well within reach, language was a matter of secondary importance.

i took two cups of coffee, as usual—one for b., and one for myself—and, bringing them to the table, looked round for b. i could not see him anywhere. what had become of him? i had not seen him, that i could recollect, for hours. i did not know where i was, or what i was doing. i had a hazy knowledge that b. and i had started off together—whether yesterday or six months ago, i could not have said to save my life—with the intention, if i was not mistaken, of going somewhere and seeing something. we were now somewhere abroad—somewhere in norway was my idea; though why i had fixed on norway is a mystery to me to this day—and i had lost him!

how on earth were we ever to find each other again? a horrible picture presented itself to my mind of our both wandering distractedly up and down europe, perhaps for years, vainly seeking each other. the touching story of evangeline recurred to me with terrible vividness.

something must be done, and that immediately. somehow or another i must find b. i roused myself, and summoned to my aid every word of scandinavian that i knew.

it was no good these people pretending that they did not understand their own language, and putting me off that way. they had got to understand it this time. this was no mere question of coffee and rolls; this was a serious business. i would make that waiter understand my scandinavian, if i had to hammer it into his head with his own coffee-pot!

i seized him by the arm, and, in scandinavian that must have been quite pathetic in its tragic fervour, i asked him if he had seen my friend—my friend b.

the man only stared.

i grew desperate. i shook him. i said:

“my friend—big, great, tall, large—is he where? have you him to see where? here?”

(i had to put it that way because scandinavian grammar is not a strong point with me, and my knowledge of the verbs is as yet limited to the present tense of the infinitive mood. besides, this was no time to worry about grace of style.)

a crowd gathered round us, attracted by the man’s terrified expression. i appealed to them generally. i said:

“my friend b.—head, red—boots, yellow, brown, gold—coat, little squares—nose, much, large! is he where? him to see—anybody—where?”

not a soul moved a hand to help me. there they stood and gaped!

i repeated it all over again louder, in case anybody on the outskirts of the mob had not heard it; and i repeated it in an entirely new accent. i gave them every chance i could.

they chatted excitedly among themselves, and, then a bright idea seemed to strike one of them, a little more intelligent-looking than the rest, and he rushed outside and began running up and down, calling out something very loudly, in which the word “norwegian” kept on occurring.

he returned in a few seconds, evidently exceedingly pleased with himself, accompanied by a kindly-looking old gentleman in a white hat.

way was made in the crowd, and the old gentleman pressed forward. when he got near, he smiled at me, and then proceeded to address to me a lengthy, but no doubt kindly meant, speech in scandinavian.

of course, it was all utterly unintelligible to me from beginning to end, and my face clearly showed this. i can grasp a word or two of scandinavian here and there, if pronounced slowly and distinctly; but that is all.

the old gentleman regarded me with great surprise. he said (in scandinavian, of course):

“you speak norwegian?”

i replied, in the same tongue:

“a little, a very little—very.”

he seemed not only disappointed, but indignant. he explained the matter to the crowd, and they all seemed indignant.

why everybody should be indignant with me i could not comprehend. there are plenty of people who do not understand scandinavian. it was absurd to be vexed with me because i did not. i do know a little, and that is more than some people do.

i inquired of the old gentleman about b. he did understand me. i must give him credit for that. but beyond understanding me, he was of no more use than the others; and why they had taken so much trouble to fetch him, i could not imagine.

what would have happened if the difficulty had continued much longer (for i was getting thoroughly wild with the lot of them) i cannot say. fortunately, at this moment i caught sight of b. himself, who had just entered the room.

i could not have greeted him more heartily if i had wanted to borrow money of him.

“well, i am glad to see you again!” i cried. “well, this is pleasant! i thought i had lost you!”

“why, you are english!” cried out the old gentleman in the white hat, in very good saxon, on hearing me speak to b.

“well, i know that,” i replied, “and i’m proud of it. have you any objection to my being english?”

“not in the least,” he answered, “if you’d only talk english instead of norwegian. i’m english myself;” and he walked away, evidently much puzzled.

b. said to me as we sat down:

“i’ll tell you what’s the matter with you, j.—you know too many languages for this continent. your linguistic powers will be the ruin of us if you don’t hold them in a bit. you don’t know any sanscrit or chaldean, do you?”

i replied that i did not.

“any hebrew or chinese?”

“not a word.”

“sure?”

“not so much as a full stop in any of them.”

“that’s a blessing,” said b., much relieved. “you would be trying to palm off one or other of them on some simple-minded peasant for german, if you did!”

it is a wearisome journey, through the long, hot hours of the morning, to cologne. the carriage is stifling. railway travellers, i have always noticed, regard fresh air as poison. they like to live on the refuse of each other’s breath, and close up every window and ventilator tight. the sun pours down through glass and blind and scorches our limbs. our heads and our bodies ache. the dust and soot drift in and settle on our clothes, and grime our hands and face. we all doze and wake up with a start, and fall to sleep again upon each other. i wake, and find my neighbour with his head upon my shoulder. it seems a shame to cast him off; he looks so trustful. but he is heavy. i push him on to the man the other side. he is just as happy there. we roll about; and when the train jerks, we butt each other with our heads. things fall from the rack upon us. we look up surprised, and go to sleep again. my bag tumbles down upon the head of the unjust man in the corner. (is it retribution?) he starts up, begs my pardon, and sinks back into oblivion. i am too sleepy to pick up the bag. it lies there on the floor. the unjust man uses it for a footstool.

we look out, through half-closed eyes, upon the parched, level, treeless land; upon the little patchwork farms of corn and beetroot, oats and fruit, growing undivided, side by side, each looking like a little garden dropped down into the plain; upon the little dull stone houses.

a steeple appears far away upon the horizon. (the first thing that we ask of men is their faith: “what do you believe?” the first thing that they show us is their church: “this we believe.”) then a tall chimney ranges itself alongside. (first faith, then works.) then a confused jumble of roofs, out of which, at last, stand forth individual houses, factories, streets, and we draw up in a sleeping town.

people open the carriage door, and look in upon us. they do not appear to think much of us, and close the door again quickly, with a bang, and we sleep once more.

as we rumble on, the country slowly wakes. rude v-shaped carts, drawn by yoked oxen, and even sometimes by cows, wait patiently while we cross the long, straight roads stretching bare for many a mile across the plain. peasants trudge along the fields to work. smoke rises from the villages and farm-houses. passengers are waiting at the wayside stations.

towards mid-day, on looking out, we see two tiny spires standing side by side against the sky. they seem to be twins, and grow taller as we approach. i describe them to b., and he says they are the steeples of cologne cathedral; and we all begin to yawn and stretch, and to collect our bags and coats and umbrellas.

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