“spare no money,” i said to roscoe. “let everything on the snark be of the best. and never mind decoration. plain pine boards is good enough finishing for me. but put the money into the construction. let the snark be as staunch and strong as any boat afloat. never mind what it costs to make her staunch and strong; you see that she is made staunch and strong, and i’ll go on writing and earning the money to pay for it.”

and i did . . . as well as i could; for the snark ate up money faster than i could earn it. in fact, every little while i had to borrow money with which to supplement my earnings. now i borrowed one thousand dollars, now i borrowed two thousand dollars, and now i borrowed five thousand dollars. and all the time i went on working every day and sinking the earnings in the venture. i worked sundays as well, and i took no holidays. but it was worth it. every time i thought of the snark i knew she was worth it.

for know, gentle reader, the staunchness of the snark. she is forty-five feet long on the waterline. her garboard strake is three inches thick; her planking two and one-half inches thick; her deck-planking two inches thick and in all her planking there are no butts. i know, for i ordered that planking especially from puget sound. then the snark has four water-tight compartments, which is to say that her length is broken by three water-tight bulkheads. thus, no matter how large a leak the snark may spring, only one compartment can fill with water. the other three compartments will keep her afloat, anyway, and, besides, will enable us to mend the leak. there is another virtue in these bulkheads. the last compartment of all, in the very stern, contains six tanks that carry over one thousand gallons of gasolene. now gasolene is a very dangerous article to carry in bulk on a small craft far out on the wide ocean. but when the six tanks that do not leak are themselves contained in a compartment hermetically sealed off from the rest of the boat, the danger will be seen to be very small indeed.

the snark is a sail-boat. she was built primarily to sail. but incidentally, as an auxiliary, a seventy-horse-power engine was installed. this is a good, strong engine. i ought to know. i paid for it to come out all the way from new york city. then, on deck, above the engine, is a windlass. it is a magnificent affair. it weighs several hundred pounds and takes up no end of deck-room. you see, it is ridiculous to hoist up anchor by hand-power when there is a seventy-horse-power engine on board. so we installed the windlass, transmitting power to it from the engine by means of a gear and castings specially made in a san francisco foundry.

the snark was made for comfort, and no expense was spared in this regard. there is the bath-room, for instance, small and compact, it is true, but containing all the conveniences of any bath-room upon land. the bath-room is a beautiful dream of schemes and devices, pumps, and levers, and sea-valves. why, in the course of its building, i used to lie awake nights thinking about that bath-room. and next to the bath-room come the life-boat and the launch. they are carried on deck, and they take up what little space might have been left us for exercise. but then, they beat life insurance; and the prudent man, even if he has built as staunch and strong a craft as the snark, will see to it that he has a good life-boat as well. and ours is a good one. it is a dandy. it was stipulated to cost one hundred and fifty dollars, and when i came to pay the bill, it turned out to be three hundred and ninety-five dollars. that shows how good a life-boat it is.

i could go on at great length relating the various virtues and excellences of the snark, but i refrain. i have bragged enough as it is, and i have bragged to a purpose, as will be seen before my tale is ended. and please remember its title, “the inconceivable and monstrous.” it was planned that the snark should sail on october 1, 1906. that she did not so sail was inconceivable and monstrous. there was no valid reason for not sailing except that she was not ready to sail, and there was no conceivable reason why she was not ready. she was promised on november first, on november fifteenth, on december first; and yet she was never ready. on december first charmian and i left the sweet, clean sonoma country and came down to live in the stifling city—but not for long, oh, no, only for two weeks, for we would sail on december fifteenth. and i guess we ought to know, for roscoe said so, and it was on his advice that we came to the city to stay two weeks. alas, the two weeks went by, four weeks went by, six weeks went by, eight weeks went by, and we were farther away from sailing than ever. explain it? who?—me? i can’t. it is the one thing in all my life that i have backed down on. there is no explaining it; if there were, i’d do it. i, who am an artisan of speech, confess my inability to explain why the snark was not ready. as i have said, and as i must repeat, it was inconceivable and monstrous.

the eight weeks became sixteen weeks, and then, one day, roscoe cheered us up by saying: “if we don’t sail before april first, you can use my head for a football.”

two weeks later he said, “i’m getting my head in training for that match.”

“never mind,” charmian and i said to each other; “think of the wonderful boat it is going to be when it is completed.”

whereat we would rehearse for our mutual encouragement the manifold virtues and excellences of the snark. also, i would borrow more money, and i would get down closer to my desk and write harder, and i refused heroically to take a sunday off and go out into the hills with my friends. i was building a boat, and by the eternal it was going to be a boat, and a boat spelled out all in capitals—b—o—a—t; and no matter what it cost i didn’t care. so long as it was a b o a t.

and, oh, there is one other excellence of the snark, upon which i must brag, namely, her bow. no sea could ever come over it. it laughs at the sea, that bow does; it challenges the sea; it snorts defiance at the sea. and withal it is a beautiful bow; the lines of it are dreamlike; i doubt if ever a boat was blessed with a more beautiful and at the same time a more capable bow. it was made to punch storms. to touch that bow is to rest one’s hand on the cosmic nose of things. to look at it is to realize that expense cut no figure where it was concerned. and every time our sailing was delayed, or a new expense was tacked on, we thought of that wonderful bow and were content.

the snark is a small boat. when i figured seven thousand dollars as her generous cost, i was both generous and correct. i have built barns and houses, and i know the peculiar trait such things have of running past their estimated cost. this knowledge was mine, was already mine, when i estimated the probable cost of the building of the snark at seven thousand dollars. well, she cost thirty thousand. now don’t ask me, please. it is the truth. i signed the cheques and i raised the money. of course there is no explaining it, inconceivable and monstrous is what it is, as you will agree, i know, ere my tale is done.

then there was the matter of delay. i dealt with forty-seven different kinds of union men and with one hundred and fifteen different firms. and not one union man and not one firm of all the union men and all the firms ever delivered anything at the time agreed upon, nor ever was on time for anything except pay-day and bill-collection. men pledged me their immortal souls that they would deliver a certain thing on a certain date; as a rule, after such pledging, they rarely exceeded being three months late in delivery. and so it went, and charmian and i consoled each other by saying what a splendid boat the snark was, so staunch and strong; also, we would get into the small boat and row around the snark, and gloat over her unbelievably wonderful bow.

“think,” i would say to charmian, “of a gale off the china coast, and of the snark hove to, that splendid bow of hers driving into the storm. not a drop will come over that bow. she’ll be as dry as a feather, and we’ll be all below playing whist while the gale howls.”

and charmian would press my hand enthusiastically and exclaim: “it’s worth every bit of it—the delay, and expense, and worry, and all the rest. oh, what a truly wonderful boat!”

whenever i looked at the bow of the snark or thought of her water-tight compartments, i was encouraged. nobody else, however, was encouraged. my friends began to make bets against the various sailing dates of the snark. mr. wiget, who was left behind in charge of our sonoma ranch was the first to cash his bet. he collected on new year’s day, 1907. after that the bets came fast and furious. my friends surrounded me like a gang of harpies, making bets against every sailing date i set. i was rash, and i was stubborn. i bet, and i bet, and i continued to bet; and i paid them all. why, the women-kind of my friends grew so brave that those among them who never bet before began to bet with me. and i paid them, too.

“never mind,” said charmian to me; “just think of that bow and of being hove to on the china seas.”

“you see,” i said to my friends, when i paid the latest bunch of wagers, “neither trouble nor cash is being spared in making the snark the most seaworthy craft that ever sailed out through the golden gate—that is what causes all the delay.”

in the meantime editors and publishers with whom i had contracts pestered me with demands for explanations. but how could i explain to them, when i was unable to explain to myself, or when there was nobody, not even roscoe, to explain to me? the newspapers began to laugh at me, and to publish rhymes anent the snark’s departure with refrains like, “not yet, but soon.” and charmian cheered me up by reminding me of the bow, and i went to a banker and borrowed five thousand more. there was one recompense for the delay, however. a friend of mine, who happens to be a critic, wrote a roast of me, of all i had done, and of all i ever was going to do; and he planned to have it published after i was out on the ocean. i was still on shore when it came out, and he has been busy explaining ever since.

and the time continued to go by. one thing was becoming apparent, namely, that it was impossible to finish the snark in san francisco. she had been so long in the building that she was beginning to break down and wear out. in fact, she had reached the stage where she was breaking down faster than she could be repaired. she had become a joke. nobody took her seriously; least of all the men who worked on her. i said we would sail just as she was and finish building her in honolulu. promptly she sprang a leak that had to be attended to before we could sail. i started her for the boat-ways. before she got to them she was caught between two huge barges and received a vigorous crushing. we got her on the ways, and, part way along, the ways spread and dropped her through, stern-first, into the mud.

it was a pretty tangle, a job for wreckers, not boat-builders. there are two high tides every twenty-four hours, and at every high tide, night and day, for a week, there were two steam tugs pulling and hauling on the snark. there she was, stuck, fallen between the ways and standing on her stern. next, and while still in that predicament, we started to use the gears and castings made in the local foundry whereby power was conveyed from the engine to the windlass. it was the first time we ever tried to use that windlass. the castings had flaws; they shattered asunder, the gears ground together, and the windlass was out of commission. following upon that, the seventy-horse-power engine went out of commission. this engine came from new york; so did its bed-plate; there was a flaw in the bed-plate; there were a lot of flaws in the bed-plate; and the seventy-horse-power engine broke away from its shattered foundations, reared up in the air, smashed all connections and fastenings, and fell over on its side. and the snark continued to stick between the spread ways, and the two tugs continued to haul vainly upon her.

“never mind,” said charmian, “think of what a staunch, strong boat she is.”

“yes,” said i, “and of that beautiful bow.”

so we took heart and went at it again. the ruined engine was lashed down on its rotten foundation; the smashed castings and cogs of the power transmission were taken down and stored away—all for the purpose of taking them to honolulu where repairs and new castings could be made. somewhere in the dim past the snark had received on the outside one coat of white paint. the intention of the colour was still evident, however, when one got it in the right light. the snark had never received any paint on the inside. on the contrary, she was coated inches thick with the grease and tobacco-juice of the multitudinous mechanics who had toiled upon her. never mind, we said; the grease and filth could be planed off, and later, when we fetched honolulu, the snark could be painted at the same time as she was being rebuilt.

by main strength and sweat we dragged the snark off from the wrecked ways and laid her alongside the oakland city wharf. the drays brought all the outfit from home, the books and blankets and personal luggage. along with this, everything else came on board in a torrent of confusion—wood and coal, water and water-tanks, vegetables, provisions, oil, the life-boat and the launch, all our friends, all the friends of our friends and those who claimed to be their friends, to say nothing of some of the friends of the friends of the friends of our crew. also there were reporters, and photographers, and strangers, and cranks, and finally, and over all, clouds of coal-dust from the wharf.

we were to sail sunday at eleven, and saturday afternoon had arrived. the crowd on the wharf and the coal-dust were thicker than ever. in one pocket i carried a cheque-book, a fountain-pen, a dater, and a blotter; in another pocket i carried between one and two thousand dollars in paper money and gold. i was ready for the creditors, cash for the small ones and cheques for the large ones, and was waiting only for roscoe to arrive with the balances of the accounts of the hundred and fifteen firms who had delayed me so many months. and then—

and then the inconceivable and monstrous happened once more. before roscoe could arrive there arrived another man. he was a united states marshal. he tacked a notice on the snark’s brave mast so that all on the wharf could read that the snark had been libelled for debt. the marshal left a little old man in charge of the snark, and himself went away. i had no longer any control of the snark, nor of her wonderful bow. the little old man was now her lord and master, and i learned that i was paying him three dollars a day for being lord and master. also, i learned the name of the man who had libelled the snark. it was sellers; the debt was two hundred and thirty-two dollars; and the deed was no more than was to be expected from the possessor of such a name. sellers! ye gods! sellers!

but who under the sun was sellers? i looked in my cheque-book and saw that two weeks before i had made him out a cheque for five hundred dollars. other cheque-books showed me that during the many months of the building of the snark i had paid him several thousand dollars. then why in the name of common decency hadn’t he tried to collect his miserable little balance instead of libelling the snark? i thrust my hands into my pockets, and in one pocket encountered the cheque-hook and the dater and the pen, and in the other pocket the gold money and the paper money. there was the wherewithal to settle his pitiful account a few score of times and over—why hadn’t he given me a chance? there was no explanation; it was merely the inconceivable and monstrous.

to make the matter worse, the snark had been libelled late saturday afternoon; and though i sent lawyers and agents all over oakland and san francisco, neither united states judge, nor united states marshal, nor mr. sellers, nor mr. sellers’ attorney, nor anybody could be found. they were all out of town for the weekend. and so the snark did not sail sunday morning at eleven. the little old man was still in charge, and he said no. and charmian and i walked out on an opposite wharf and took consolation in the snark’s wonderful bow and thought of all the gales and typhoons it would proudly punch.

“a bourgeois trick,” i said to charmian, speaking of mr. sellers and his libel; “a petty trader’s panic. but never mind; our troubles will cease when once we are away from this and out on the wide ocean.”

and in the end we sailed away, on tuesday morning, april 23, 1907. we started rather lame, i confess. we had to hoist anchor by hand, because the power transmission was a wreck. also, what remained of our seventy-horse-power engine was lashed down for ballast on the bottom of the snark. but what of such things? they could be fixed in honolulu, and in the meantime think of the magnificent rest of the boat! it is true, the engine in the launch wouldn’t run, and the life-boat leaked like a sieve; but then they weren’t the snark; they were mere appurtenances. the things that counted were the water-tight bulkheads, the solid planking without butts, the bath-room devices—they were the snark. and then there was, greatest of all, that noble, wind-punching bow.

we sailed out through the golden gate and set our course south toward that part of the pacific where we could hope to pick up with the north-east trades. and right away things began to happen. i had calculated that youth was the stuff for a voyage like that of the snark, and i had taken three youths—the engineer, the cook, and the cabin-boy. my calculation was only two-thirds off; i had forgotten to calculate on seasick youth, and i had two of them, the cook and the cabin boy. they immediately took to their bunks, and that was the end of their usefulness for a week to come. it will be understood, from the foregoing, that we did not have the hot meals we might have had, nor were things kept clean and orderly down below. but it did not matter very much anyway, for we quickly discovered that our box of oranges had at some time been frozen; that our box of apples was mushy and spoiling; that the crate of cabbages, spoiled before it was ever delivered to us, had to go overboard instanter; that kerosene had been spilled on the carrots, and that the turnips were woody and the beets rotten, while the kindling was dead wood that wouldn’t burn, and the coal, delivered in rotten potato-sacks, had spilled all over the deck and was washing through the scuppers.

but what did it matter? such things were mere accessories. there was the boat—she was all right, wasn’t she? i strolled along the deck and in one minute counted fourteen butts in the beautiful planking ordered specially from puget sound in order that there should be no butts in it. also, that deck leaked, and it leaked badly. it drowned roscoe out of his bunk and ruined the tools in the engine-room, to say nothing of the provisions it ruined in the galley. also, the sides of the snark leaked, and the bottom leaked, and we had to pump her every day to keep her afloat. the floor of the galley is a couple of feet above the inside bottom of the snark; and yet i have stood on the floor of the galley, trying to snatch a cold bite, and been wet to the knees by the water churning around inside four hours after the last pumping.

then those magnificent water-tight compartments that cost so much time and money—well, they weren’t water-tight after all. the water moved free as the air from one compartment to another; furthermore, a strong smell of gasolene from the after compartment leads me to suspect that some one or more of the half-dozen tanks there stored have sprung a leak. the tanks leak, and they are not hermetically sealed in their compartment. then there was the bath-room with its pumps and levers and sea-valves—it went out of commission inside the first twenty hours. powerful iron levers broke off short in one’s hand when one tried to pump with them. the bath-room was the swiftest wreck of any portion of the snark.

and the iron-work on the snark, no matter what its source, proved to be mush. for instance, the bed-plate of the engine came from new york, and it was mush; so were the casting and gears for the windlass that came from san francisco. and finally, there was the wrought iron used in the rigging, that carried away in all directions when the first strains were put upon it. wrought iron, mind you, and it snapped like macaroni.

a gooseneck on the gaff of the mainsail broke short off. we replaced it with the gooseneck from the gaff of the storm trysail, and the second gooseneck broke short off inside fifteen minutes of use, and, mind you, it had been taken from the gaff of the storm trysail, upon which we would have depended in time of storm. at the present moment the snark trails her mainsail like a broken wing, the gooseneck being replaced by a rough lashing. we’ll see if we can get honest iron in honolulu.

man had betrayed us and sent us to sea in a sieve, but the lord must have loved us, for we had calm weather in which to learn that we must pump every day in order to keep afloat, and that more trust could be placed in a wooden toothpick than in the most massive piece of iron to be found aboard. as the staunchness and the strength of the snark went glimmering, charmian and i pinned our faith more and more to the snark’s wonderful bow. there was nothing else left to pin to. it was all inconceivable and monstrous, we knew, but that bow, at least, was rational. and then, one evening, we started to heave to.

how shall i describe it? first of all, for the benefit of the tyro, let me explain that heaving to is that sea manœuvre which, by means of short and balanced canvas, compels a vessel to ride bow-on to wind and sea. when the wind is too strong, or the sea is too high, a vessel of the size of the snark can heave to with ease, whereupon there is no more work to do on deck. nobody needs to steer. the lookout is superfluous. all hands can go below and sleep or play whist.

well, it was blowing half of a small summer gale, when i told roscoe we’d heave to. night was coming on. i had been steering nearly all day, and all hands on deck (roscoe and bert and charmian) were tired, while all hands below were seasick. it happened that we had already put two reefs in the big mainsail. the flying-jib and the jib were taken in, and a reef put in the fore-staysail. the mizzen was also taken in. about this time the flying jib-boom buried itself in a sea and broke short off. i started to put the wheel down in order to heave to. the snark at the moment was rolling in the trough. she continued rolling in the trough. i put the spokes down harder and harder. she never budged from the trough. (the trough, gentle reader, is the most dangerous position all in which to lay a vessel.) i put the wheel hard down, and still the snark rolled in the trough. eight points was the nearest i could get her to the wind. i had roscoe and bert come in on the main-sheet. the snark rolled on in the trough, now putting her rail under on one side and now under on the other side.

again the inconceivable and monstrous was showing its grizzly head. it was grotesque, impossible. i refused to believe it. under double-reefed mainsail and single-reefed staysail the snark refused to heave to. we flattened the mainsail down. it did not alter the snark’s course a tenth of a degree. we slacked the mainsail off with no more result. we set a storm trysail on the mizzen, and took in the mainsail. no change. the snark roiled on in the trough. that beautiful bow of hers refused to come up and face the wind.

next we took in the reefed staysail. thus, the only bit of canvas left on her was the storm trysail on the mizzen. if anything would bring her bow up to the wind, that would. maybe you won’t believe me when i say it failed, but i do say it failed. and i say it failed because i saw it fail, and not because i believe it failed. i don’t believe it did fail. it is unbelievable, and i am not telling you what i believe; i am telling you what i saw.

now, gentle reader, what would you do if you were on a small boat, rolling in the trough of the sea, a trysail on that small boat’s stern that was unable to swing the bow up into the wind? get out the sea-anchor. it’s just what we did. we had a patent one, made to order and warranted not to dive. imagine a hoop of steel that serves to keep open the mouth of a large, conical, canvas bag, and you have a sea-anchor. well, we made a line fast to the sea-anchor and to the bow of the snark, and then dropped the sea-anchor overboard. it promptly dived. we had a tripping line on it, so we tripped the sea-anchor and hauled it in. we attached a big timber as a float, and dropped the sea-anchor over again. this time it floated. the line to the bow grew taut. the trysail on the mizzen tended to swing the bow into the wind, but, in spite of this tendency, the snark calmly took that sea-anchor in her teeth, and went on ahead, dragging it after her, still in the trough of the sea. and there you are. we even took in the trysail, hoisted the full mizzen in its place, and hauled the full mizzen down flat, and the snark wallowed in the trough and dragged the sea-anchor behind her. don’t believe me. i don’t believe it myself. i am merely telling you what i saw.

now i leave it to you. who ever heard of a sailing-boat that wouldn’t heave to?—that wouldn’t heave to with a sea-anchor to help it? out of my brief experience with boats i know i never did. and i stood on deck and looked on the naked face of the inconceivable and monstrous—the snark that wouldn’t heave to. a stormy night with broken moonlight had come on. there was a splash of wet in the air, and up to windward there was a promise of rain-squalls; and then there was the trough of the sea, cold and cruel in the moonlight, in which the snark complacently rolled. and then we took in the sea-anchor and the mizzen, hoisted the reefed staysail, ran the snark off before it, and went below—not to the hot meal that should have awaited us, but to skate across the slush and slime on the cabin floor, where cook and cabin-boy lay like dead men in their bunks, and to lie down in our own bunks, with our clothes on ready for a call, and to listen to the bilge-water spouting knee-high on the galley floor.

in the bohemian club of san francisco there are some crack sailors. i know, because i heard them pass judgment on the snark during the process of her building. they found only one vital thing the matter with her, and on this they were all agreed, namely, that she could not run. she was all right in every particular, they said, except that i’d never be able to run her before it in a stiff wind and sea. “her lines,” they explained enigmatically, “it is the fault of her lines. she simply cannot be made to run, that is all.” well, i wish i’d only had those crack sailors of the bohemian club on board the snark the other night for them to see for themselves their one, vital, unanimous judgment absolutely reversed. run? it is the one thing the snark does to perfection. run? she ran with a sea-anchor fast for’ard and a full mizzen flattened down aft. run? at the present moment, as i write this, we are bowling along before it, at a six-knot clip, in the north-east trades. quite a tidy bit of sea is running. there is nobody at the wheel, the wheel is not even lashed and is set over a half-spoke weather helm. to be precise, the wind is north-east; the snark’s mizzen is furled, her mainsail is over to starboard, her head-sheets are hauled flat: and the snark’s course is south-south-west. and yet there are men who have sailed the seas for forty years and who hold that no boat can run before it without being steered. they’ll call me a liar when they read this; it’s what they called captain slocum when he said the same of his spray.

as regards the future of the snark i’m all at sea. i don’t know. if i had the money or the credit, i’d build another snark that would heave to. but i am at the end of my resources. i’ve got to put up with the present snark or quit—and i can’t quit. so i guess i’ll have to try to get along with heaving the snark to stern first. i am waiting for the next gale to see how it will work. i think it can be done. it all depends on how her stern takes the seas. and who knows but that some wild morning on the china sea, some gray-beard skipper will stare, rub his incredulous eyes and stare again, at the spectacle of a weird, small craft very much like the snark, hove to stern-first and riding out the gale?

p.s. on my return to california after the voyage, i learned that the snark was forty-three feet on the water-line instead of forty-five. this was due to the fact that the builder was not on speaking terms with the tape-line or two-foot rule.