as i look back upon my life now i realize clearly that of all the members of our family subsequent to my mother’s death, the only one who, without quite understanding me, still sympathized with my intellectual and artistic point of view—and that most helpfully and at times practically—was my brother paul. despite the fact that all my other brothers were much better able intellectually than he to appreciate the kind of thing i was tending toward mentally, his was the sympathy that buoyed me up. i do not think he understood, even in later years (long after i had written sister carrie, for instance), what i was driving at. his world was that of the popular song, the middle-class actor or comedian, the middle-class comedy, and such humorous esthetes of the writing world as bill nye, petroleum v. nasby, and the authors of the spoopendyke papers and samantha at saratoga. as far as i could make out—and i say this in no lofty, condescending spirit—he was full of simple middle-class romance, middle-class humor, middle-class tenderness, and middle-class grossness—all of which i am very free to say i admire. after all, we cannot all be artists, statesmen, generals, thieves or financiers. some of us, the large majority, have to be just plain everyday middle-class, and a very comfortable state it is under any decent form of government.

but there is so very much more to be said of him, things which persistently lift him in my memory to a height far more appealing and important than hundreds of greater and surer fame. for my brother was a humorist of so tender and delicate a mold that to speak of him as a mere middle-class artist or middle-class thinker and composer, would be to do him a gross injustice and miss the entire significance and flavor of his being. his tenderness and sympathy, a very human appreciation of the weakness and errors as well as the toils and tribulations of most of us, was his most outstanding and engaging quality and gave him a very definite force and charm. admitting that he had an intense, possibly an undue fondness for women (i have never been able to discover just where the dividing line is to be drawn in such matters), a frivolous, childish, horse-play sense of humor at times, still he had other qualities that were positively adorable. that sunny disposition, that vigorous, stout body and nimble mind, those smiling sweet blue eyes, that air of gayety and well-being that was with him nearly all the time, even at the most trying times! life seemed to bubble in him. hope sprang upward like a fountain. you felt in him a capacity to do (in his limited field), an ability to achieve, whether he was succeeding at the moment or not. never having the least power to interpret anything in a high musical way, still he was always full of music of a tender, sometimes sad, sometimes gay kind, the ballad-maker of a nation. for myself, i was always fascinated by this skill of his, the lovable art that attempts to interpret sorrow and pleasure in terms of song, however humble. and on the stage, how, in a crude way, by mere smile and gesture, he could make an audience laugh! i have seen houses crowded to the ceiling with middle- or lower-class people, shop girls and boys, factory hands and the like, who tittered continuously at his every move. he seemed to radiate a kind of comforting sunshine and humor without a sharp edge or sting (satire was entirely beyond him), a kind of wilding asininity, your true clown in cap and bells, which caused even my morbid soul to chortle by the hour. already he was a composer of a certain type of melodramatic and tearful yet land-sweeping songs (the letter that never came, the pardon came too late, i believe it for my mother told me so, the bowery). (let those who wish to know him better read of him in twelve men: my brother paul.)

well, this was my brother paul, the same whom i have described as stout, gross, sensual, and all of these qualities went hand-in-hand. i have no time here for more than the briefest glimpse, the faintest echo. i should like to write a book about him—the wonderful, the tender! but now he was coming to st. louis, and in my youthful, vainglorious way i was determined to show him what i was. he should be introduced to peter, dick and rodenberger, my cronies. i would have a feast in my room after the theater in his honor. i would give another, a supper at faust’s, then the leading restaurant of st. louis, of a gay bohemian character, and invite wandell, dunlap, my managing editor (i can never think of his name), bassford, the dramatic editor, and peter, dick and rodenberger. i proposed to bring my love to his theater some afternoon or evening and introduce him to her.

i hurried to the office of the globe to find dick and peter and tell them my news and plans. they were very much for whatever it was i wanted to do, and eager to meet paul of course. also, within the next twenty-four hours i had written to miss w——, and told wandell, bassford, the managing editor and nearly everybody else. i dropped in at faust’s to get an estimate on the kind of dinner i thought he would like, having the head-waiter plan it for me, and then eagerly awaited his arrival.

sunday morning came, and i called at the theater at about eleven, and found him on the stage of this old theater entirely surrounded by trunks and scenery. there was with him at the moment a very petite actress, the female star of the company, who, as i later learned, was one of his passing flames. he was stout as ever, and dressed in the most engaging broadway fashion: a suit of good cloth and smart cut, a fur coat, a high hat and a gold-headed cane—in short, all the earmarks of prosperity and comfort. what a wonderful thing he and this stage world, even this world of claptrap melodrama, seemed to me at the time. i felt on the instant somehow as though i were better established in the world than i thought, to be thus connected with one who traveled all over the country. the whole world seemed to come closer because of him.

“hello!” he called, plainly astonished. “where’d you come from?” and then seeing that i was better dressed and poised mentally than he had ever known me, he looked me over in an odd, slightly doubting way, as a stranger might, and then introduced me to his friend. seeing him apparently pleased by my arrival and eager to talk with me, she quickly excused herself, saying she had to go on to her hotel; then he fell to asking me questions as to how i came to be here, how i was getting along. i am sure he was slightly puzzled and possibly disturbed by my sharp change from a shy, retiring boy to one who examined him with the chill and weighing eye of the newspaper man. to me, all of a sudden, he was not merely one whom i had to like because he was my brother or one who knew more about life than i—rather less, i now thought, quickly gathering his intellectual import, but because of his character solely. i might like or dislike that as i chose. he reminded me now a great deal of my mother, and i could not help recalling how loving and generous he had always been with her. instantly he appealed to me as the simple, home-loving mother-boy that he was. it brought him so close to me that i was definitely and tenderly drawn to him. i could feel how fine and generous he really was. even then although i doubt very much whether he liked me at first, finding me so brash and self-sufficient, still, so simple and communistic were the laws by which his charming mind worked, he at once accepted me as a part of the family and so of himself, a brother, one of mother’s boys. how often have i heard him say in regard to some immediate relative concerning whom an acrimonious debate might be going forward, “after all, he’s your brother, isn’t he?” or “she’s your sister,” as though mere consanguinity should dissolve all dissatisfactions and rages! isn’t there something humanly sweet about that, in the face of all the cold, decisive conclusions of this world?