from now on, because of this companionship, my life in st. louis took on a much more cheerful aspect. hitherto, in spite of my work and my natural interest in a strange city, i had had intensely gloomy moments. my favorite pastime, when i was not out on an assignment or otherwise busy, was to walk the streets and view the lives and activities of others, not thinking so much how i might advantage myself and my affairs as how, for some, the lightning of chance was always striking in somewhere and disrupting plans, leaving destruction and death in its wake, for others luck or fortune. i never was blinded to the gross favoritism practiced by nature, and this i resented largely, it may be, because it was not, or i thought it was not, practiced in my behalf. later in life i began to suspect that a gross favoritism, in regard to certain things at least, was being practiced in my behalf. i was never without friends, never without some one to do me a good turn at a critical moment, never without love and the sacrifice of beauty on the part of some one in my behalf, never without a certain amount of applause or repute. was i worthy of it? i knew i was not and i felt that the powers that make and control life did not care two whoops whether i was or not.

life, as i had seen and felt from my earliest thinking period, used people, sometimes to their advantage, sometimes not. occasionally, as i could see, i was used to my advantage as well as to that of some one or something else. occasionally i was used, as i thought, to my disadvantage. now and then when i imagined i was being used most disadvantageously it was not so at all, as when for a period i found myself unable to write and so compelled to turn to other things—a turning which resulted in better material later on. at this time, however, i felt that whatever the quality of the gifts handed me or the favors done me, they were as nothing compared to some; and, again, i was honestly and sympathetically interested in the horrible deprivations inflicted upon others, their weaknesses of mind and body, afflictions of all sizes and sorts, the way so often they helplessly blundered or were driven by internal chemic fires, as in the case of the fascinating and beautiful-minded john t. mcennis, to their own undoing. that great idealistic soul, that warm, ebullient heart!

the opportunity for indulging in these moods was due to the fact that i had plenty of time on my hands, that just at this time i was more interested in seeing than in reading, and that the three principal hotels here, southern-fashion, were most hospitable, equipping their lobbies and even their flanking sidewalks with comfortable rocking-chairs where one might sit and dream or read or view the passing scene with idle or analytic eye. my favorite hotel was the lindell, rather large and not impressive but still successful and popular, which stood at the northwest corner of sixth and washington avenue. here i would repair whenever i had a little time and rock in peace and watch the crowd of strangers amble to and fro. the manager of this hotel, a brisk, rather interesting and yet job-centered american, seeing me sit about every afternoon between four-thirty and six and knowing that i was from the globe, finally began to greet me and ask occasionally if i did not want to go up to dinner. (how lonely and forlorn i must have looked!) on thanksgiving and christmas afternoons of this my first season there, seeing me idle and alone, he asked me to be his guest. i accepted, not knowing what else to do. to make it seem like a real invitation he came in after i was seated at the table and sat down with me for a few minutes. he was so charming and the hotel so brisk and crowded that i soon felt at home.

the daily routine of my work seemed to provide ample proof of my suspicions that life was grim and sad. regularly it would be a murder, a suicide, a failure, a defalcation which i would be assigned to cover, and on the same day there would be an important wedding, a business or political banquet, a ball or a club entertainment of some kind, which would provide just the necessary contrast to prove that life is haphazard and casual and cruel; to some lavish, to others niggardly.

mere money, often unworthily inherited or made by shabby methods, seemed to throw commonplace and even wretched souls into such glittering and condescending prominence, in this world at least. many of the business men with whom i came in contact were vulgarians, their wives and daughters vain and coarse and inconsiderate. i was constantly impressed by the airs of the locally prominent, their craving for show and pleasure, their insane greed for personal mention, their hearty indifference to anything except money plus a keen wish to seem to despise it. i remember going one afternoon to an imposing residence where some function was in progress. i was met by an ostentatious butler who exclaimed most nobly: “my dear sir, who sent you here? the globe knows we never give lists to newspaper men. we never admit reporters,” and then stiffly closed the door on me. i reported as much to the city editor, who remarked meekly, “well, that’s all right,” and gave me something else to do. but the next day a list of the guests at this function was published, and in this paper. i made inquiry of hartung, who said: “oh, the society editor must have turned that in. these society women send in their lists beforehand and then say they don’t receive reporters.”

another time it was the residence of the catholic archbishop of st. louis, a very old but shrewd man whom, so it was rumored in newspaper circles, the local priests were plotting to make appear infirm and weakminded in order that a favorite of theirs might be made coadjutor. i was sent to inquire about his health, to see him if possible. at the door i was met by a sleek dark priest who inquired what i wished, whereupon he assured me that the archbishop was too feeble to be seen.

“that is exactly why i am here,” i insisted. “the globe wishes to inform the public of his exact condition. there seems to be a belief on the part of some that he is not as ill as is given out.”

“what! you accuse us of concealing something in connection with the archbishop! this is outrageous!” and he firmly shut me out.

it seemed to me that the straightforward thing would have been to let me meet the archbishop. he was a public official, the state of whose health was of interest to thousands. but no; official control regulated that. shortly afterward he was declared too feeble to perform his duties and a coadjutor was appointed.

again i was sent to a fashionable west end hotel to interview a visiting governor who was attending a reception of some kind and who, as we understood, was leaving the next day.

“my dear young fellow,” said a functionary connected with the entertainment committee, “you cannot do anything of the sort. this is no time to be coming around for anything of this kind.”

“but he is leaving tomorrow....”

“i cannot help that. you cannot see him now.”

“how about taking him my card and asking him about tomorrow?”

“no, no, no! i cannot do anything of the sort. you cannot see him,” and once again i was shunted briskly forth.

i recall being sent one evening to attend a great public ball of some kind—the veiled prophets—which was held in the general selling-room of the stock exchange at third and walnut, and which followed as a rule some huge autumnal parade. the city editor sent me for a general view or introduction or pen picture to be used as a lead to the full story, which was to be done by others piecemeal. for this occasion i was ordered to hire a dress-suit (the first i had ever worn), which cost the paper three dollars. i remember being greatly disturbed by my appearance once i got in it and feeling very queer and conspicuous. i was greatly troubled as to what sort of impression my garb would make on the various members of the staff. as to the latter i was not long in doubt.

“say, look at our friend in the claw-hammer, will you?” this from hazard. “he looks like a real society man to me!”

“usher, you mean,” called bellairs. “who is he? i don’t seem to remember him.”

“those pants come darned near being a fit, don’t they?” this from some one who had laid hold of the side lines of the trousers.

i could not make up my mind whether i wanted to fight or laugh or whether i was startlingly handsome or a howling freak.

but the thing that weighed on me most was the luxury, tawdry enough perhaps to those intimately connected with it, which this ball presented, contrasted with my own ignoble state. after spending three hours there bustling about examining flowers, decorations, getting names, details of costumes, and drinking various drinks with officiating floormasters whose sole duty appeared to be to look after the press and see that they got all details straight, i returned to the office and began to pour forth a glowing account of how beautiful it all was, how gorgeous, how perfect the women, how marvelous their costumes, how gracious and graceful the men, how oriental or occidental or arabic, i forget which, were the decorations, outdoing the arabian nights or the fabled splendors of the caliphate. who does not recognize this indiscriminate newspaper tosh, poured forth from one end of america to another for everything from a farmers’ reunion or an i. o. o. f. ladies’ day to an astor or a vanderbilt wedding?

as i was writing, my head whirring with the imaginary and impossible splendors of the occasion, i was informed by my city editor that when i was done i should go to a number in south st. louis where only an hour before a triple or quadruple murder had been committed. i was to go out on a street-car and if i could not get back in time by street-car i was to get a carriage and drive back at breakneck speed in order to get the story into the last edition. the great fear was that the rival paper, the republic, would get it or might already have it and we would not. and so, my head full of pearls, diamonds, silks, satins, laces, a world of flowers and lights, i was now hustled out along the dark, shabby, lonely streets of south st. louis to the humblest of cottages, in the humblest of streets where, among unpainted shacks with lean-tos at the back for kitchens, was one which contained this story.

an irish policeman, silent and indifferent, was already at the small dark gate in the dark and silent street, guarding it against intruders; another was inside the door, which stood partially open, and beyond in the roadway in the darkness, their faces all but indistinguishable, a few horrified people. a word of explanation and i was admitted. a faint glow from a small smoky glass lamp illuminated the front room darkly. it turned out that a very honest, simple, religious and good-natured irish-american of about fifty, who had been working by the day in this neighborhood, had recently been taken ill with brain fever and had on this night arisen from his feverish sickbed, seized a flatiron, crept into the front room where his wife and two little children slept and brained all three. he had then returned to the rear room, where a grown daughter slept on a couch beside him, and had first felled her with the iron and then cut her throat with a butcher knife. murderous as the deed seemed, and apparently premeditated, it was the result of fever. the policeman at the gate informed me that the father had already been taken to the four courts and that a hospital ambulance was due any moment.

“but he’s out av his mind,” he insisted blandly. “he’s crazy, sure, or sick av the fever. no man in his right sinses would do that. i tried to taalk to him but he couldn’t say naathin’, just mumble like.”

after my grand ball this wretched front room presented a sad and ghastly contrast. the house and furniture were very poor, the dead wife and children homely and seemingly work-worn. i noticed the dim, smoky flame cast by the lamp, the cheap bed awry and stained red, the mother and two children lying in limp and painful disorder, the bedding dragged half off. it was evident that a struggle had taken place, for a chair and table were upset, the ironing-board thrown down, a bureau and the bed pushed sidewise.

shocked beyond measure, yet with an eye to color and to the zest of the public for picturesque details, i examined the three rooms with care, the officer in the house following me. together we looked at the utensils in the kitchen, what was in the cupboard to eat, what in the closet to wear. i made notes of the contents of the rooms, their cheapness, then went to the neighbors on either hand to learn if they had heard anything. then in a stray owl-car, no carriages being available, i hurried to the four courts, several miles cityward, to see the criminal. i found him, old, pale, sick, thin, walking up and down in his small iron cell, plainly out of his mind, a picture of hopeless, unconscious misery. his hands trembled idly about his mouth; his shabby trousers bagged about his shoes; he was unshaven and weak-looking, and all the while he mumbled to himself some unintelligible sounds. i tried to talk with him but could get nothing. he seemed not even to know that i was there, so brain-sick was he. then i questioned the jail attendants, those dull wiseacres of the law. had he talked? did they think he was sane? with the usual acumen and delicacy of this tribe, they were inclined to think he was shamming.

i hurried through dark streets to the office. it was an almost empty reportorial room in which i scribbled my dolorous picture. with the impetuosity of youth and curiosity and sorrow and wonder i told it all, the terror, the pity, the inexplicability. as i wrote, each page was taken up by hartung, edited and sent up. then, having done perhaps a column and a half (bellairs having arrived with various police theories), i was allowed finally to amble out into a dark street and seek my miserable little room with its creaky bed, its dirty coverlets, its ragged carpets and stained walls. nevertheless, i lay down with a kind of high pride and satisfaction in my story of the murder and my description of the ball, and with my life in consequence! i was not so bad. i was getting along. i must be thought an exceptional man to be picked for two such difficult tasks in the same evening. life itself was not so bad; it was just higgledy-piggledy, catch-as-catch-can, that was all. if one were clever, like myself, it was all right. next morning, when i reached the office, mccord and hazard and some others pronounced my stuff “pretty good,” and i was beside myself with glee. i strolled about as though i owned the earth, pretending simplicity and humility but actually believing that i was the finest ever, that no one could outdo me at this game of reporting.