once the ice was broken in this way intimacy with these twain came fast enough, although i never became quite as intimate with dick as i did with peter, largely because i could not think him as important. wood had some feminine characteristics; he could be very jealous of anybody’s interest in peter as well as peter’s interest in anybody else. he was big enough, at times, to see the pettiness of this and try to rise above it, but at other times it would show. years later mccord confided to me in the most amused way how, when i first appeared on the scene, dick at once began to belittle me and to resent my obvious desire to “break in,” as he phrased it, these two, according to dick, having established some excluding secret union.
but the union was not exclusive, in so far as peter was concerned. shortly after my arrival young hartung had begun running into the art room (so peter told me) with amazing tales of the new man, his exploits in chicago. i had been sent for to come to this paper—that was the great thing. i was vouched for by no less a person than john t. mcennis, one of the famous newspaper men of st. louis and a former city editor of this same paper; also by a mr. somebody (the washington correspondent of the paper), for whom i had worked in chicago on the world’s fair. he had hurried to the art department with his tales of me, wishing, i fancy, to be on friendly and happy terms there. dick, however, considered hartung’s judgment as less than nothing, himself an upstart, a mere office rat; to have him endeavor to introduce anybody was too much. at first he received me very coldly, then finding me perhaps better than he thought, he hastened to make friends with me.
the halcyon hours with these two that followed. not infrequently peter and dick would dine together at some downtown restaurant; or, if a rush of work were on and they were compelled to linger, they had a late supper in some german saloon. it was peter who first invited me to one of these late séances, and later wood did the same, but this last was based on another development in connection with myself which i should narrate here.
the office of the globe proved a sprouting-bed for incipient literary talent. hazard had, some fifteen or eighteen months before, in company with another newspaper man of whom later i heard amazing things, written a novel entitled theo, which was plainly a bog-fire kindled by those blazing french suns, zola and balzac. the scene was laid in paris (imagine two western newspaper men who had never been out of america writing a novel of french life and laying it in paris!) and had much of the atmosphere of zola’s nana, plus the delicious idealism of balzac’s the great man from the provinces. never having read either of these authors at this time, i did not see the similarity, but later i saw it plainly. one or both of these men had fed up on the french realists to such an extent that they were able to create the illusion of france (for me at least) and at the same time to fire me with a desire to create something, perhaps a novel of this kind but preferably a play. it seemed intensely beautiful to me at the time, this book, with its frank pictures of raw, greedy, sensual human nature, and its open pictures of self-indulgence and vice.
the way this came about was interesting but i would not relate it save that it had such a marked effect on me. i was sitting in the city reportorial room later one gloomy december afternoon, having returned from a fruitless assignment, when a letter was handed me. it was postmarked chicago and addressed in the handwriting of alice. up to then i had allowed matters to drift, having, as i have said, written but one letter in which i apologized rather indifferently for having come away without seeing her. but my conscience had been paining me so much that when i saw her writing i started. i tore the letter open and read with a sense of shame:
“dear theo:
“i got your letter the day you left, but then it was too late. i know what you say is true, about your being called away, and i don’t blame you. i’m only sorry our quarrel” (there had been none save of my making) “didn’t let you come to see me before you left. still, that was my fault too, i guess. i can’t blame you entirely for that.
“anyhow, theo, that isn’t what i’m writing you for. you know that you haven’t been just the same to me as you once were. i know how you feel. i have felt it too. i want to know if you won’t send me back the letters i wrote you. you won’t want them now. please send them, theo, and believe i am as ever your friend,
“alice.”
there was a little blank space on the paper, and then:
“i stood by the window last night and looked out on the street. the moon was shining and those dead trees over the way were waving in the wind. i saw the moon on that little pool of water over in the field. it looked like silver. oh, theo, i wish i were dead.”
as i read this i jumped up and clutched the letter. the pathos of it cut me to the quick. to think i should have left her so! to think i should be here and she there! why hadn’t i written? why had i shilly-shallied these many days? of course she wished to die. and i—what of me?
i went over the situation and tried to figure out what i should do. should i send for her? twenty dollars a week was very little for two. my legitimate expenses made a total of eleven a week. i wished to keep myself looking well, to have a decent room, to eat three fair meals a day. and i was in no position to return to chicago, where i had earned less. then my new friendships with wood and mccord as well as with other newspaper men, nearly all of whom liked to drink, were costing me something extra; i could not associate with them without buying an occasional drink. i did not see where i was to save much or how i could support a wife. in addition, there was the newness of my position here. i could not very well leave it now, having just come from chicago. by nature where things material of futurial were concerned i was timid, but little inclined to battle for my rights or desires, and consequently not often realizing them. i was in a trying situation, for i had, as i have said, let it appear to alice that money was no object. with the vanity of youth, i had always talked of my good salary and comfortable position, and now that this salary and comfortable position were to be put to the test i did not know what to do about it. honesty would have dictated a heartfelt confession, of course.
but i made none. instead i wavered between two horns of an ever-recurring dilemma. sympathizing with the pain which alice was suffering, and alive to my own loss of honor and happiness, still i hesitated to pull down the fine picture of myself which i had so artistically built up, to reveal myself as i really was, a man unable to marry on his present salary. if i had loved her more, if i had really respected her, if i had not looked upon her as one who might be so easily put aside, i would have done something about it. my natural tendency was to drift, to wait and see, suffering untold agonies in the meanwhile. this i was preparing to do now.
these mental stresses were always sufficient, however, to throw me into a soulful mood. and now as i looked out of the window on the “fast widowing sky” it was with an ache that rivaled in intensity those melancholy moods we sometimes find interpreted by music. indeed my heart was torn by the inextricable problems which life seemed ever to present and i fairly wrung my hands as i looked into the face of the hurrying world. how it was hastening away! how swiftly and insensibly my own life was slipping by! the few sweets which i had thus far tasted were always accompanied by such bitter repinings. no pleasure was without pain, as i had already seen, and life offered no solution. only silence and the grave ended it all.
my body was racked with a fine tremor, my brain ached. i went to my desk and took up a pencil. i sat looking into the face of the tangle as one might into the gathering front of a storm. words moved in my brain, then bubbled, then marshaled themselves into curious lines and rhythms. i put my pencil to paper and wrote line after line.
presently i saw that i was writing a poem but that it was rough and needed modifying and polishing. i was in a great fever to change it and did so but more eager to go on with my idea, which was about this tangle of life. i became so moved and interested that i almost forgot alice in the process. when i read it over it seemed but a poor reflection of the thoughts i had felt, the great sad mood i was in. then i sat there, dissatisfied and unhappy, resolving to write alice and tell her all.
i took a pen and wrote her that i could not marry her now, that i was in no position to do so. later, if i found myself in better shape financially, i would come back. i told her that i did not want to send back her letters, that i did not wish to think our love was at an end. i had not meant to run away. i closed by saying that i still loved her and that the picture she had painted of herself standing at the window in the moonlight had torn my heart. but i could not write it as effectually as i might have, for i was haunted by the idea that i should never keep my word. something kept telling me that it was not wise, that i didn’t really want to.
while i was writing hazard came into the room and glanced over my shoulder to where the poem was lying. “what you doing, dreiser? writing poetry?”
“trying to,” i replied a little shamefacedly. “i don’t seem to be able to make much of it, though.” the while i was wondering at the novelty of being taken for a poet. it seemed such a fine thing to be.
“there’s no money in it,” he observed helpfully. “you can’t sell ’em. i’ve written tons of ’em, but it don’t do any good. you’d better be putting your time on a book or a play.”
a book or a play! i sat up. to be considered a writer, a dramatist—even a possible dramatist—raised me in my own estimation. why, at this rate i might become one—who knows?
“i know it isn’t profitable,” i said. “still, it might be if i wrote them well enough. it would be a great thing to be a great poet.”
hazard smiled sardonically. from his pinnacle of twenty-six years such aspirations seemed ridiculous. i might be a good newspaper man (i think he was willing to admit that), but a poet!
the discussion took the turn of book- and play-writing. he had written a book in connection with young, i think his name was. he had lately been thinking of writing a play. he expatiated on the money there was to be made out of this, the great name some playwrights achieved. look at augustus thomas now, who had once worked on the star here. one of his pieces was then running in st. louis. look at henry blossom, once a st. louis society boy, one of whose books was now in the local bookstore windows, a hit. to my excited mind the city was teeming with brilliant examples. eugene field had once worked here, on this very paper; mark twain had idled about here for a time, drunk and hopeless; w. c. brann had worked on and gone from this paper; william marion reedy the same.
i returned to my desk after a time, greatly stirred by this conversation. my gloom was dissipated. hazard had promised to let me read this book. this world was a splendid place for talent, i thought. it bestowed success and honor upon those who could succeed. plays or books, or both, were the direct entrance to every joy which the heart could desire. something of the rumored wonder and charm of the lives of successful playwrights came to me, their studios, their summer homes and the like. here at last, then, was the equivalent of dick’s wealthy girl!
i sat thinking about plays somewhat modified in my grief over alice for the nonce, but none the less aware of its tremendous sadness. i read over my poem and thought it good, even beautiful. i must be a poet! i copied it and put a duplicate in alice’s letter, and folded my own copy and put it in my pocket, close to my heart. it seemed as though i had just forged a golden key to a world of beauty and light where sorrow and want could never be.