now from the foregoing chapter it will be gathered that all unconsciously i was drifting into the habit of writing, in a literary and journalistic sense, for payment. it was a timid and tentative sort of beginning, and i often felt the rewards totally inadequate, especially in the matter of newspaper paragraphs, of which i sent out a good number. but my efforts in this direction suddenly received a most unexpected and gratifying fillip. glancing one day in the free library through the columns of the illustrated london news, i discovered, with a pleasant feeling at the pit of the stomach, as if i had just imbibed something warm and stimulating, that dr andrew wilson, that genial kindly journalist and lecturer, had devoted his weekly column to my scientific article, allusion to which was made at the close of the last chapter.

i need not now record what he said, but it was so kindly and helpful that i began to feel a strange sensation—that of hope. for i could not help thinking that if what i wrote was worthy of the attention of so able a critic and journalist, it ought to be saleable generally. and so i wrote him a grateful letter, and asked him if he would follow up his kindness by introducing me to the editors of some of the journals for which he wrote, imagining in my ignorance that to be writing regularly for a paper or magazine argued not merely acquaintance with the editor, but influence over his acceptance of articles. i have since found that it is a very general misapprehension. as if the fact of a man being chosen to be editor of a publication did not prove that in the estimation of his employers at least he was capable of independent judgment, and might be relied upon to exercise it!

the jolly doctor answered me very promptly and kindly, but firmly disabused my mind of the idea that he had any influence with editors. in fact he told me, what, if i had possessed any knowledge of the profession at all i might have known, that editors rather resented any attempt on the part of a contributor to introduce other people. he advised me, as kipling did later, to send my stuff in on its unaided merit, and suggested "longmans'" and the "cornhill" as two likely magazines to appreciate my matter. i wrote and thanked him, went home and got out a four thousand word article and posted it to the editor of "longmans'," enclosing a stamped addressed envelope, for i had learned that much anyhow. the article was entitled, "some incidents of the sperm whale fishery," and as i now know, would not in the least appeal to mr andrew lang. i got it returned almost immediately, with the usual printed slip expressing the editor's regret, etc. of course, i felt disheartened, having some indefinite idea that the advice i had received from dr andrew wilson had more in it than struck the ear.

there was still left the "cornhill," though, and being unwilling to risk the loss of the postage i walked across the park to the office of that pleasant publication, and laid my contribution upon the ledge devoted to correspondence. as the sequel has been made public property, by that kindly gentleman and good friend of mine, mr j. st loe strachey, who was then editor of the "cornhill," i have no hesitation in reproducing it here. at that time the "cornhill," like so many other magazines, was suffering from a plethora of accepted mss., and mr strachey had accordingly given instructions to his assistant, mr roger ingpen, not to give him any more mss. to look at even, since none could possibly be accepted for a very long time. but mr ingpen is an extremely conscientious and careful man; he is withal of a most kindly disposition, and so it came about that my poor ms., instead of being returned unread with a statement of the cause, was carefully looked through. in the result mr ingpen handed it to mr strachey with a remark that here was something so fresh, and in his opinion so good, that he would not take the responsibility of returning it until his chief had seen it. mr strachey uttered some expression of impatience, but thrust the ms. into his pocket, and read it on his way home. and, lest i should become wearisome, it appeared in the earliest possible number of the magazine.

it was, all unknown to me, a momentous time. the acceptance of that ms. changed the whole course of my life. for if it had been returned from the "cornhill," for whatever reason might have been assigned, i had determined to destroy it, as prior to sending it to "longmans'," it had been rejected by the editor of "answers" (who wrote me a note about my folly in sending such stuff to a journal of the high character of "answers"), and by the editor of "chambers' journal." so i felt justified in assuming that if the "cornhill" would have none of it the verdict must be final—it was no good. and yet upon how many little things its acceptance hung! the fact of mr ingpen's care and appreciation, of my really good and clear handwriting without which mr strachey certainly would not have read it, it being his custom never to read mss. if he can possibly avoid doing so. and then there is that unknown contributor whose story was displaced to make room for mine—how i hope that he was some renowned person to whom the non-appearance of his stuff made no difference!

when the article appeared it in some manner caught the eye, and appealed to the taste, of mr w. t. stead, who had then started the "review of reviews." he gave it a lengthy notice, in the course of which he stated his opinion that i had struck a new vein of stirring adventure which should prove a very valuable one. encouraged by reading this, i wrote to mr stead, telling him that i had partly written a book upon the lines of my article, and begging his advice as to getting it published, for i told him i knew nothing about the publishing world, and had an idea that unless a new writer had influence (whatever i supposed that to be), he stood no chance of getting anything published except by paying for it. and i, so far from being able to pay money for having a book published, was extremely anxious to earn some by the sale of my writings.

in his reply, which was prompt and kindly, he recommended me to messrs smith, elder & co., the publishers of the "cornhill," assuring me that no introduction was necessary, that all publishers were always on the lookout for new writers, and that if my book was as good as the sample he thought i need have no doubt of its acceptance. so upon this advice i wrote to messrs smith, elder & co., offering to submit the portion of the book i had already written (some 50,000 words) for their approval. naturally they suggested i should finish the book first, and then they would be delighted to consider it, and give me their decision as early as possible. thus encouraged i toiled early and late to finish the book, and when i[pg 273] had done so i submitted it to messrs smith, elder, who almost immediately accepted it. but the story has often been told, and i would rather not repeat myself if possible. i only tell what i have about it in order to lead up to something else which belongs to this book, to these confessions, an echo of the dreadful time through which i had passed. i may say, however, that had i been a superstitious man, i should certainly have felt that my success in getting my first book accepted and the, to me, immense sum of £100 paid me for it, was dearly purchased by a terrible domestic blow. hitherto, in spite of much illness and privation in my family, its circle had remained intact. now, however, with the first gleam of prosperity that i had ever known in all my life, came the grim shadow of death. on the day that i received the letter of acceptance of my book, my youngest child, a boy of great promise and beautiful disposition, suddenly died. mercifully i had a tremendous amount of work on hand that week. i had quite a large order for picture frames to execute, the last by the way that i ever did. i had to remove from one house to another, to attend to the burial business, and to do my office work also. therefore i had no time to think until all was well over, and the tragedy had become only a sad memory.

this marked a turning point in my career which led to some amazing results. i had hitherto never seemed able to do anything right, now i could do[pg 274] nothing wrong. orders for literary work flowed in upon me, and when the book was published the critics vied with one another in the kindliness of their remarks. everyone seemed bent upon trying to turn my head. that, however, was impossible, for, in the first place, i was past forty years of age, and in the next my training in the school of adversity had been too long and thorough to permit of my being puffed up now. of course i began to save money, and as soon as i did my thoughts turned to those friendly creditors of mine who had behaved with such wonderful leniency to me in the day of my trouble. my old german creditor especially i remembered. now after i had become bankrupt i still went to his warehouse to buy my materials, and always stole in and out like a thief ashamed to meet him, but one day did so. he said, with a queer smile, "so, meesder bullen, you vas all right now, hein! ve dont makes no trouble for you, hein! now you soon bicks opp agen, hein! but tondt go buyin' your mouldins someveres ellas now mit your ready money, gome here all de time. ve makes you righdt. cood day."

of this good old man, and the others not less kind, i now thought continually, and as i reckoned up my savings week by week my hopes grew stronger that i should soon be able to pay all my debts. as they did so, i made a resolve that if i ever did become able to pay those obligations my creditors should receive every penny i had to give, not a doit should be impounded by bankruptcy officials. for i knew and hated the system whereby a bankrupt's estate has an immense amount of it swallowed up in the costs of division. of course i know that the machinery of a great concern like the court of bankruptcy needs funds to carry it on, but i am perfectly sure that the costs in which the creditors are mulcted are enormously in excess of what they should rightly be.

therefore i determined that when i had accumulated sufficient funds to satisfy all my debts i would give myself the great pleasure of going to each creditor personally, and paying him what i owed him. then when all were paid i would take the receipted bills to the court, and demand to be discharged from being a bankrupt. that was my programme, but like many another well laid plan it did not work. as you shall see.

when at last the time arrived so eagerly waited for, and i had about £400 saved, i took a day's leave from the office (i was soon to leave it altogether), and going to the court hunted up my old and tried friend, mr hardhat. giving him a substantial fee for taking him away from the court, we adjourned to a neighbouring hotel, where i unfolded my plan to him. he listened attentively until i had finished, and then said judicially, "yes, it's all very well and honest and all the rest of it, but if you will excuse my saying so it's very foolish. in the first place every one of your creditors has wiped your account off his books as a bad debt, and you'll hardly get thanks for re-opening the matter, even though you come with the money in your hand. in the next you'll certainly get into trouble with the court for not proceeding in the matter regularly, and you may be sure they will suspend your discharge for as long as they possibly can. the four years which has elapsed your bankruptcy will not be reckoned. what you ought to do is to take half the sum you have mentioned, go to the official receiver, and tell him that a friend has offered to pay that sum into court in consideration of you getting your immediate discharge, and all will go through like clock-work."

i waited very impatiently until he had finished, because i knew beforehand all the facts he was telling me, and then i said grimly, "and how much of that £200 do you suppose my creditors will get by the time it has filtered through the court?" he smiled and murmured abstractedly, "i'd rather not say." "well," i went on, "my mind is made up. every penny that i have saved up to pay my debts with shall go to the people i owe the money to, and i'll do the distribution most gladly. i paid £10 in court fees almost with my heart's blood, and they'll get no more if i can help it." i had forgotten to mention that being unable to redeem the beautiful piano in time it was lost, and the pawnbroker got for £8 an instrument honestly worth £40.

so we parted the best of friends, and i with my cheque-book in my pocket began my happy journey. i wish with all my heart that i was able to give you some idea of the joy i had that day and the next. as nothing had ever given me greater pain, shame and humiliation, than having to make excuses for not paying money which i legally owed, as the degradation of borrowing had eaten into my very soul, so now the exultation of being able to clear myself, as it were, was correspondingly great. i verily believe that was the happiest (consciously the happiest) day of all my life. and i was asked to surrender all that delight to some cold-blooded official, who would exact an enormous toll for the services rendered by his department. the very thought of such a thing was preposterous. it would have been literally flinging away the joy which i had anticipated so long and so eagerly.

the first man that i called upon was a mount-cutter, who had a small business in which he worked very hard himself. i owed him £12, an amount which he certainly could ill afford to lose, but which he had been obliged to regard as hopelessly gone. he was an exceedingly kind and genial man, and one with whom i had been on most intimate terms, so that my pain and grief at letting him in had been very great. i greeted him cordially, and said, "mr ——, i have come to pay you that money i owe you, and i cannot say how glad i am to be able to do it. i believe it is £12." and with that i got out my cheque-book. he stared at me for a moment, and then replied in a strained voice, "i am so glad, not merely of the money, though it could not be more welcome than it is to-day, when i have just learned of a loss of £50, money lent to help a friend, but because you have come spontaneously to pay me. it does me very much good in every way, gives me a little better opinion of human nature, and i thank you most heartily." i wrote out the cheque and handed it to him, saying what i knew to be the absolute truth, that it could not give him more pleasure to receive his just due than it gave me to be able and willing to pay it. then i told him of the happy turn of fortune which had enabled me to do this act of justice and honesty, and he listened delightedly. we then shook hands, and parted both with a glow of good feeling that was priceless.

then with eager steps i hastened to the warehouse of my old german creditor, but alas i found that he was dead. it was a heavy blow, for i had so looked forward to seeing him without a downcast eye and a shrinking sense of dishonesty. his successor in the business accepted my cheque in the most matter-of-fact way, making no comment. but that affected me not at all, although i came away less springily than i did from the first creditor.

then i made my way to the establishment of a big jewish firm to whom i owed a considerable sum for fancy goods on my wife's side of the business. the manager, a wonderfully able business man with a bright incisive manner, remembered me at once, but said directly i mentioned my errand, "oh, but that's all settled and done with. you went through the court, didn't you?" "yes," i replied, "but that didn't cancel my obligation. it was only a temporary expedient, and now that i am able to pay i want to do so." "oh, very well," he rejoined carelessly, "we'll turn it up." so the books were brought. he looked up the matter, and turning to me with an air of surprise, exclaimed, "but this has nothing to do with you. it's in your wife's name!" i laughed and answered, "yes, i know that, but it's my debt all the same, and i want to pay it."

it may sound incredible, but it is nevertheless true, that i had quite a difficulty in persuading that gentleman to take my cheque, for he kept protesting that it was no affair of mine. even after i had handed the cheque to him, he held it towards me and said, "it's not too late you know, take it back; you've no need to pay this." and when i laughingly refused to do anything of the sort he said, with a shrug of his shoulders, "well, you're a fool, of course, but you're a damned good sort of a fool, and if you'll accept my invitation i'll give you the best dinner that can be got in the city of london for money. i look upon you as a natural curiosity." gleefully i assured him that dinners, except as a necessary means of keeping the machine going, never troubled me, that i had grown to like only the plainest food, and that in very small quantities. but i hastened to assure him that i nevertheless valued his kindly intention as highly as if i had been a gourmet. so we parted, and i have never seen him since.

from thence i went to another city house to which i owed a substantial sum. here, however, i had never seen the principal, my dealings having been entirely through the traveller who called upon me, and who i have no doubt had been in serious trouble through my failure. my business here was of the most formal nature, for the cashier had nothing to do with the previous course of the business, only to receive my payment and to give me a quittance. but the sequel to this was perhaps the most surprising of all those eventful experiences. the next day i received a letter from the principal of the firm couched in the most charming terms. he had discovered he said that i was the writer of certain books, the reading of which had given him the greatest pleasure of that kind he had ever known. it was exceedingly difficult, he went on, to realise that i was the struggling tradesman whom he had so often caused to be harassed for the amount of his account; had he known who it was he would certainly not have troubled me. and now, as the only reparation he was able to make for what he felt had been his harshness towards me, he begged to return the cheque (i believe it was for £35), which nothing could induce him to accept. and he begged to wish me all possible happiness and prosperity as well as long life to go on giving pleasure.

i only wish i could add to my present pleasure by giving this good man's name, but that, alas, is out of the question for obvious reasons. but does not such an experience as this give one an exalted sense of the kindliness, courtesy, and active benevolence, that is to be found among business men. my motives in writing this book may be variously assessed, but i feel that i am only discharging an obvious duty in putting on record so fragrant, so elevating a record of fact. it should give persons inclined to cynicism a better, higher idea of their fellows. for it cannot be supposed that my experiences were unique, that i was specially singled out for such treatment. no, i believe that in every walk of life the good, the real good, in man far outweighs the evil, and that it is an entirely false and narrow view which sees in every man you do business with one whose mission in life is to do everybody he can, caring for nobody but himself. and i seek no better proof than that of my own experience.

occasionally the honest kindly fair dealing trader or private person will be done, will be swindled ruthlessly. now and then one comes across a man who simply lives to do harm, whose gall of envy is such that he will take any mean advantage to ruin another man whom he envies, even though in the process he only injures himself. thank god, these are the exceptions, not the rule. on the contrary, in the good old way these exceptions only prove the rule that love, justice, and mercy are general, and that hatred, injustice, and cruelty are only sad upheavals of devilishness which are gradually but surely growing less and less able to harm well-doing folk.

pleasant as these experiences were, and gratefully as i cherish them, i do not think that they were more so than some later ones, when i sought out some old friends who had lent me money to help me out of my constantly recurring difficulties, knowing full well when they did so that the chances of getting repaid were exceedingly slight. one of these friends indeed was a swiss to whom in the early days of our friendship i had rendered some slight assistance in his endeavour to get arrears of four years wages from his employer, a compatriot who had been exploiting him on the ground of his ignorance of england and her ways. from him i learned how wonderfully these toiling swiss managed to save. his wages never exceeded thirty shillings a week, out of which i should say, i never knew exactly, he saved seventy-five per cent. at any rate he was able to live for four years without receiving any wages from his employer, sleeping in a greenhouse at night (they were gardeners), and eating god knows what.

i met him at the mission with which i was associated in paddington, and seeing his friendlessness asked him to my humble home for sunday dinner and tea. and thus our friendship grew and ripened until i was able to render him the service aforesaid, thinking as i did that he was on the verge of starvation. to my intense surprise long afterwards, when i was bewailing to him my parlous plight, he took me to the garret-chamber which he occupied with all the paraphernalia of his business, and going to his box produced a bagful of sovereigns, out of which he asked me to take what would satisfy my urgent needs. of course in a work of fiction i should have refused with many high falutin' words, but being cast in a lower mould i accepted, after i had got over my amazement that he should have any money at all, much less all that, for there was well over £100 in the bag.

but i must not make this chapter too long, and so i will leave over for the commencement of the next my dealings with my dear friend, emanuel hauri, whose end was peace.