a keen sense of humour is one of my richest blessings, one that i prize more than i can tell, but never before have i felt so keenly the great desirability of being able to express myself humorously in writing. for this narrative of mine, drab in all its essentials, tends ever to more gloom. there were touches of humour in my life, for i know that i often had a hearty laugh, but i remember too that this healthful exercise was usually after i had gone to bed, and was reading one of my favourite books for perhaps the twentieth time. but i am bound to say that any relief to the gloom of my daily life except on sundays, the delights of which i have spoken before, was almost entirely wanting. i could, i dare say, introduce a few humorous touches occasionally, for which the reader would be duly grateful, but it would be at the expense of truth, and anyhow it would be of a saturnine character if it were drawn from my experience of every day life.

take, for instance, a scene which i witnessed on saturday night late, outside the east dulwich hotel, at the corner of goose green. it had been raining for a long time, and the streets were in an exceedingly bad state. just there, however, some attempt had been made earlier in the day to sweep them, and in consequence the kennel on both sides was full of liquid mud, had become in fact a creek of mud a yard wide and several inches deep. i was taking some pictures home during a slight break in the weather, and rounding this corner i saw two men, both of whom were drunk, amicably endeavouring to take one another home. they staggered about a good deal, getting nearer and nearer the kerb, until one of them slipped down, and the other, endeavouring to raise him, rolled over on the top of him. locked in a close embrace, and making no sound, they rolled into the kennel; while i, the solitary spectator, helpless by reason of my burden, became doubly so because of a perfect agony of laughter. like hippopotami they wallowed in the viscid stream, and at last emerged on the farther side, as mrs gamp would say, a marks of mud, but still horizontal. they rolled right across the road, which was fairly wide, and into the creek of mud on the other side where, with their heads on the kerb, they rested from their arduous journey apparently full of peace. a policeman and a little knot of spectators had by this time arrived, and much discussion, punctuated with shouts of laughter, went on as to what should be done with and for them. what was done eventually i do not know, for i had to fulfil my errand, aching all over with my paroxysms of laughter. yet as the boys say when they are the victims, "i don't see anything to laugh at."

this digression is of malice aforethought, because i cannot help feeling that readers will say "i wish bullen wouldn't so persistently sue for our sympathy. surely he must have had some good times." and that is the worst of the simple annals of the poor; they are deeply interesting of course to the protagonists, but are apt to become wearisome in the recital, because, as the irishman said of his wife, they are all worse and no better. however i went on, doggedly, hopelessly, not because i was a brave man struggling with adversity, but because as far as my limited intelligence went i couldn't do anything else. several people, one of whom most generously helped me over a tremendously difficult stile, suggested bankruptcy as being the obvious way out of all my troubles, but that i felt was impossible. true, i was a bankrupt de facto but not de jure, and i believed that if i did become a bankrupt in law, i should lose my last hope of earning a living, my job at the office. so i ruled that suggestion out as impracticable, for supposing i did lose my job, it was no figure of speech to call it my last hope. i was rapidly nearing forty, my own profession was irrevocably closed to me even if the state of my health would have allowed me to take it up again, and as for my other employment, with[pg 173] thousands of abler, younger men clamouring for it, what possible prospect had i? and i had a wife and five young children! i will not say that i was absolutely friendless, but the two or three faithful friends i had were powerless to help me except in a desperate emergency, and at a great personal sacrifice then. as a dear friend said to me the other day, while we were discussing the condition of a mutual friend who had become the victim of a most serious misfortune absolutely without fault of his own: "there is nothing more heart-breaking than to have a friend who is what the spaniards call gastados, used up, no more good in this pushing world. you can't keep him, you can't ask anybody else to keep him, and in spite of yourself, with the best will in the world, you get tired of his incessant appeals for help, however piteous and sincere."

is that not so? and all the more sad when it is the result of misfortune and not of indolence or vice. however i did not allow myself to think, for fear i should lose my power of sleep, which i knew would be fatal. i dared not open my letters, the postman's knock sent a clutching pang through the pit of my stomach, and if it had not been for my sundays, with their entire switch off from the terrors of every day life, i feel sure i should have gone mad. it was at this juncture that i began to write. leaning over the counter in the empty shop i covered page after page with neat clerkly script, an exercise i always[pg 174] loved, narrating my early experiences at sea. it was a delightful relief, and as such i enjoyed it, but if i ever had any wild dreams about publishing what i was writing they did not last, for when i had written about forty thousand words i put the ms. away and forgot all about it. finally i threw it in the dustbin, which was a pity, for i daresay it was quite as good as anything i have ever done in the same way since.

meanwhile matters plodded towards that destined end which i felt was inevitable, but would not realise. i got into more difficulties with my landlord. the state of the house was simply disgraceful, and he would do nothing. then all of us got sore throats, and the doctor said bluntly, "it's of no use my attending you unless you have these drains seen to; they are a grave danger to anybody's health who comes into your shop!" thus admonished i again approached my landlord, who sent a man to put two dabs of mortar upon the soil-pipe at the back of the house. then in despair i wrote to the vestry, and very promptly their surveyor appeared. he condemned not merely my drains, but those of the whole row of houses in which my house stood. and then there was a pretty fine how d'ye do, i can tell you. my premises were all ripped up at the back to get at the drains, which of course were under the foundations, and when everything was in a state of chaos the operations mysteriously ceased. rats invaded the house and devoured our small stock of provisions, until i took to hanging them up as we used to do on board ship. i wrote piteous letters to the vestry, imploring them for mercy's sake to finish the job, but they took no notice and kept on doing so.

then i made a bold stroke. i wrote to the local government board, placing the whole facts before them. talk about red tape and bureaucracy! never have i dreamed of such celerity. within forty-eight hours the work was completed, and i received from whitehall a copy of an indignant letter from the vestry denouncing my complaint, as the work in question was done. i never before realised how efficient a public department might be in the proper hands. those drains of mine had been open for three weeks, and there had been absolutely no response to my repeated applications to have the work done, when i took the step i have detailed.

this little affair cost my landlord (so he said) £25, a large sum for a man in his position, and this did not improve our relations, as might be supposed. but i hardly thought he would go to the length he did. it is customary for such tenants as i was to take a few days' grace for payment of the quarter's rent, which varies from one week to six according to the disposition of the landlord, and the circumstances of the tenant. naturally i took as long as i could, and as long as i paid within a month was usually considered a good payer. with this landlord, however, i had to be very careful, especially after his last feat. still i[pg 176] was not prepared to find, as i did on coming home on the evening of quarter day, three bailiffs in my humble abode. one was an emissary of the landlord's, whose rent was only due at twelve that day; one was for the inhabited house-duty, a trifling matter of a pound, including landlord's property tax; and one was from some other creditor whose claim i had overlooked. the total amount with costs of all their claims amounted to a little less than £20.

i confess that unable as i generally was to extract any fun out of my troubles, this time was an exception. as i was introduced to each of my uninvited guests in turn, and heard their claims, i was suddenly seized with the humour of the situation, and laughed until i was fain to hold on to the counter, or i should have fallen down. my wife stood at the door of the shop parlour looking most anxiously at me, for she thought, as she afterwards told me, that my brain had given way at last, while the three bums looked at me, and at one another in an undecided irresolute fashion, which only made me laugh all the more. however, i gradually recovered, and then said, "well, gentlemen, i am sorry for you if you have decided to remain here, for i can neither feed you nor give you a shake-down. so you'll have but a poor time of it. i can't possibly get any money until to-morrow, and i am doubtful if i can get much then. however, that's not the point. do the best you can. i've got some work to get on with," and i mounted to my workshop and started.

before many minutes two of them decided to go home for the night, having delegated their authority to the third, who as soon as their backs were turned came up to me and said, that if i could give him a couple of shillings he would go too, he didn't want to put me to any trouble. i told him candidly i should have been glad to comply with his request, but as all the money i had was sixpence, i must forego the pleasure. he sighed, and then after exacting a promise that i would let him in next morning, departed also, leaving me free to get on with my work. he had not been gone many minutes when i heard my chum bob's musical whistle below, and immediately he came bounding up, having heard the news across at the library of my having a house full of bums. he could only sympathise, but rejoiced to find me in such good spirits, was surprised also, but not more so than myself. he left a couple of shillings, with the desire that i would make one of my famous curries against the time he closed the library, when we would have supper together.

i readily agreed and hurried up with my job in order to get at my cookery, for indeed these little chance meals which i was in the habit of preparing, when there were funds, were exceedingly pleasant to me, to my family, and to bob, who was a frequent sharer of them. i am afraid they bore a strong family likeness to the celebrated symposia indulged in by mr micawber and his family with david copperfield as only guest, but i can honestly say that i never pawned or sold any household goods to procure them, as the immortal micawber did. at any rate on this particular occasion i know that, thanks to bob's two shillings, we had a gorgeous supper of curried skirt and kidney, with potatoes and rice; the scent of which, as bob said when coming in at 10.30, was enough to make a dead man sit up and ask for some.

his genial company and the good meal sufficed to keep the black shadow away long enough for me to get to sleep, but as soon as i awakened in the morning it was beside me with all its terrors. in my emergency i bethought me of a certain money-lender who, upon a previous application to him, had informed me that he would willingly lend me £20 if i found a good surety, and would take repayment at the rate of £2 per month for twelve months. i did not accept then, because i could not bring myself to ask anyone whom i knew to do anything i would not do myself, viz., become surety for another. but now i was desperate, and i remembered an acquaintance who, though his salary was good, was for some reason or another chronically hard up. he, i felt sure, would be my surety if i could spare him a little of the loan. utterly immoral, even dishonest and without excuse, of course, and i am going to offer none—i only set down the facts.

upon broaching the matter to him, i found him not only willing but eager, for he himself was in urgent need of £3, and i could spare him that out of £25, the amount i proposed borrowing. so at lunch-time we sallied forth, finding our, what shall i call him, banker? in, and ready to oblige. indeed it was fatally easy, and i was absurdly grateful, quite forgetting for the time the other gentleman in the adelphi to whom i had to pay £1 every month as interest on a loan of £10. i handed over the £3 to my friend in need, and at five o'clock hurried home to find my three visitors ranged along the counter in the shop. in a lordly manner i paid them off, took their receipts, and we parted on the best of terms.

my amiability to the agent, however, did not extend to my landlord. i felt his behaviour to me very, very villainous, especially remembering the wretched state of the premises for which i paid him rent under his solemn agreement to keep them in habitable repair. the rain came through the roof so copiously, that i had to keep tubs up in the top rooms to prevent the whole house from becoming swamped. the ceilings were falling down, and the huge cistern supported upon brick piers in the kitchen was leaking to such an extent that it threatened daily to collapse and flood us out. so i resolved, as this was the last quarter of my three years' agreement, to remove before quarter day, and to refuse to pay him any rent, as a set off against the condition of the premises he had compelled me to live in so long.

a shop nearly opposite had become vacant by reason[pg 180] of fire which had gutted the whole house, but it had been restored to its original condition, or something resembling it, and i took it. i did not blazon my intention abroad, believing that my few regular customers would easily find me, but i passed the word around among my acquaintances, and i make no doubt at all that my present landlord knew of my intentions perfectly. but he was powerless to prevent me going. indeed, i believe that the privilege of leaving the house you hold before quarter day without fear of distraint for rent is about the only one possessed by the poor tenant, who is otherwise entirely at the mercy of his landlord. however, my landlord made no sign, while as the time approached i made all preparations for flitting. at night, after closing time, my chum bob, to whom all violent exercises were a joy, used to come over and assist me in the transference of my goods from one house to the other, until we were fairly well fixed in the new abode, with the exception of our absolute necessaries, such as bedding, cooking utensils, etc.

on the last night, that is the 20th of the month, we worked like beavers, getting bedsteads across and put up so that the family might move in and be comfortable. fortunately it was fine, for we had left the heaviest things, the piano and two counters, until the last. we got the two counters over without much difficulty, and then at nearly 1 a.m. we tackled the piano. we wheeled it out and along the pavement[pg 181] until it was opposite the new home, then lifting it into the roadway we tried to wheel it across, on its own castors of course. but it was heavy going, and in the middle of the road we stopped for breath and to wipe our brows. suddenly a light beamed across us, and a gruff voice said, "now then, what's this ere little game?" we both looked up, and there stood a huge policeman, who had come up all silently in his rubber-soled boots, and was shedding the light of his bull's eye on the scene. for some idiotic reason or another, i burst into yells of laughter, bob joined in, and the policeman followed suit. just three idiots i suppose. but it was a quaint scene at one in the morning, in the middle of lordship lane.

as soon as we could speak, we explained the situation to him; and he, bless him for a good fellow, saw it in the right light, pulled off his heavy coat, and lent a hearty hand, so that the piano was installed in the new premises in a very short time. fortunately we had a little liquid refreshment to offer him, which he accepted in a becoming spirit, and then said, "well, boys, i must get around before my sergeant turns up—he won't understand who i am with my coat off." and so with hearty good wishes all round we parted.

i had a busy week following, for of necessity i had to do everything that needed doing to the shop with my own hands, save what bob did in the precious hours of his leisure after ten, which he so willingly devoted to my service. and i managed to spend a sovereign for the fascia, which was done by a man who was so drunk that he could not stand on the solid earth, but balanced himself upon a precarious plank stretched between two high trestles in front of the shop, and splashed in the letters in magnificent style. i did not watch him, for i fully expected to see him dashed to death upon the pavement at any moment; but when on his coming for his money i went out and surveyed his handiwork, i paid him without a word, for indeed there was absolutely no fault to find.

but i had hardly settled in this new shop than my troubles with regard to the building commenced, and threatened to surpass my experiences across the road. hardly a piece of furniture could be moved upstairs without bringing some of the ceilings down, and such easily scamped places as pantries and cupboards were de-ceiled en bloc. the first really serious matter, however, which showed me that i had in no way bettered my position arose through the frost. i cannot fix the year properly, but it was when the frost set in some time at the end of january, and lasted until nearly june. i saw with a certain complacency my neighbours carrying water into their homes from standpipes in the streets, while my supply was intact and working well. and then with dramatic suddenness the supply-pipe from the main which[pg 183] ran underneath the pavement into my house burst asunder, and the water welled up through the flagstones, making a glare of ice all over the footway, which was a great danger to the passers-by.

i was immediately summoned by the water company on the one hand, and by the vestry on the other, to make this breakage good. with cheerful confidence i turned these demands over to my landlord, never doubting in the first place that it was his duty to repair this damage, and in the next that he would instantly perform that duty. it was a heavy blow to me when i received a curt note from him to the effect that it was no business of his, and that i could do what i chose in the matter. as if i had any choice. and so i had to call in labourers and plumbers to the tune of nearly £3, which outlay moreover did not result in my water-supply being resumed. but the shock i then received was a lasting one, for i realised that these new premises of mine bade fair to become worse than the old ones. they had been renovated after the fire by contract in the flimsiest and most casual way, and scarcely a day passed but some new defect discovered itself, until i really was afraid that the building would collapse about my ears.

meanwhile my old landlord lost no time in putting the law's machinery in motion against me. he summoned me for two quarters' rent, one being in lieu of notice and a trifle of £10 for dilapidations caused to his premises by my neglect. strong in my belief that i was legally justified in leaving uninhabitable premises as i did, i determined to fight, and in due time i appeared before judge emden at the cottage ornée. of course i conducted my own case, and equally of course my creditor employed a solicitor. but i lost nothing by that, for i found his honour most kind and impartial. only when i exhibited my defence explaining the condition of the premises, and asking the judge whether i was compelled to remain in a house which was in so parlous a state, he replied in words which i can never forget: "you are not compelled to remain in such a house, you may leave before the expiration of your term, but you must pay the rent—that is the law."

then, of course, i could only express my sorrow at having built upon so insecure a foundation, and explaining my circumstances asked for time to pay. the judge asked me what offer i could make, and i immediately said that it was impossible for me to promise more than a pound a month, which indeed it was, for at this time nearly all my office pay was eaten up by these monthly payments, and my means of living were intensely precarious. but the solicitor to the landlord in a white heat of indignation put on for the purpose, pictured me as rolling in wealth, enjoying a bloated official salary, and having a fine business in addition, so that it was the barest justice that i should be ordered to pay forthwith.

to my great joy the judge replied with sternness that he believed i had made an exceedingly fair and honest offer under the circumstances, and that if my offer were not accepted immediately he should exercise his own discretion as to what terms he should consider reasonable, and it was quite possible that he would make no order at all. this was sufficient for my opponent, one pound a month was accepted, and, as they say in the house of lords, the matter then dropped.