from the foregoing chapter the reader might hastily arrive at the conclusion that i was certainly qualifying for inclusion in the ranks of criminal classes, since i had arrived at the stages of committing offences against the general peace and well-being without any adequate reason, and had besides no conscience at all, or a conscience void of offence, my only dread being the policeman. i don't know that such a conclusion could be far from the truth, but i would plead that my predatory instincts had been aroused through no fault of my own, and had been fostered by the company into which i was inevitably cast. and then a sudden check was put upon my career, quite by accident, and i shot off at a tangent for a while into an entirely new branch of business.

i met a kind man one day, whose acquaintance i had made about a year previously, quite by accident. i was hungry and despondent, having been unable to find a chance job for nearly two days. he pitied me, and helped me temporarily, but better still offered me employment. he was a billiard-marker, who had just taken a room at a big public-house at notting hill, and he wanted a little cheap help such as i could give. so next day i got my first lesson in billiard-marking, and proved, so he said, a very apt pupil, so apt indeed, that by the end of the first evening i could be trusted to mark without fear of my displeasing the players, who, however, were seldom hard to satisfy. and in a week i was as familiar with the whole atmosphere and argot of the billiard-room, as if i had been at it all my life.

doubtless, to the moralist, i should have appeared to be in very great danger, but i can only state what i know to be the fact, that although the talk was almost incessantly of gambling, and a good deal of drinking went on, i heard nothing in the way of language nearly as bad as the women in the laundry used habitually, and i never saw any actual drunkenness. moreover, since i now always had money in my pocket, being frequently tipped by the players, i had no temptation to pilfer, and became suddenly and entirely honest, in act at any rate, if not from conviction.

and yet by the very irony of fate, i now for the first time fell into the clutches of the law, and was terrified more than i had ever been before. it happened in this way. among the habitues of the room was a man whom even i knew to be a sharper, a hawk, who preyed upon other men's weaknesses and vices. he usually had some callow youth in training, whom he fleeced until his victim found him out, or had no more money to spend. he was no welcome visitor, for my employer was a very decent fellow, and hated swindling; but was constrained by the necessities of his position to turn a blind side to much that was shady.

now our customers seldom came in until the evening, so the afternoon was devoted to cleaning up and getting ready, or attending upon some very rare chance customer. one day, at about 3 p.m., there were three of us in the room, my employer, the sharper, whom we will call vivian, and myself. vivian was idly knocking the balls about, just killing time, while i was dusting, etc. presently my employer said to me, "when mr vivian goes, put the cover on, and run down to the —— hotel, and get the set of balls that the marker will hand you. you needn't hurry, there will be nothing doing till six o'clock. i am going out on business, and shall be back at seven." he then left, and a few minutes after vivian sauntered out also.

i immediately covered the table, snatched my cap, came out, and locked the room after me. i did my errand, loitering a good deal on the way, but got back to the house about six. as soon as i entered the side door, one of the barmen met me, and told me that i was wanted in the bar parlour. i had never been into that sacred apartment. indeed, i hardly knew the landlord or landlady by sight. but i went, feeling quite trembly, and was at once confronted by my employer, the landlord and landlady, and a keen-looking [pg 33]stranger, whom i instinctively shrank from in dread.

this latter personage at once began to examine me as to my movements since i had left the house, so closely, that i felt more and more afraid, in spite of my perfect innocence, that something was wrong. but the landlady, a handsome, kindly woman, did her best to reassure me, continually speaking comfortable words to me, and giving me a glass of wine. i was gradually losing my fear and becoming indignant at this cross-examination, when the door opened, and in burst another of the frequenters of the house, a professional billiard-player, who had evidently had quite as much drink as was good for him. he burst into the conversation by attacking my tormentor, and expressing decided views as to what he would do to any adjective detective who dared to badger a boy of his. the terrible word detective almost paralysed me with fright. i had always been afraid of a policeman raised to an unknown power, and here i was obviously in the toils of one of that dread fraternity.

however, my warm and injudicious champion was speedily silenced by the cold statement that it was none of his business, because between the hours of 3 and 6 p.m. the landlady's bedroom had been entered and jewellery to the value of £70 had been stolen, and at present there seemed to be no one upon whom suspicion could reasonably rest but me. it was a terrible shock, but though my mouth felt full[pg 34] of dust, and i shivered as if naked to an east wind, i am glad to remember that i sat silent and dry-eyed.

however, there was nothing to be got out of me, and the matter was compromised on the understanding that i was to go on with my work, but on no account to leave the premises under pain of being instantly locked up; and so it came about that for the next four days i lived in luxury, i had a beautiful bed and the best of food, while the barmaids and landlady, all firmly convinced of my innocence, showered caresses and presents on me. consequently i had no quarrel with my lot, nor did i repine at not being able to go out. as to the suspicion which hung over me, i declare i thought no more about it except when i caught the detective's cold eye upon me, when i shivered involuntarily.

on the fifth day, at about eight in the evening, we were quite busy, when mr vivian, whom i had not seen for four days, suddenly walked in. instantly i recollected that i had forgotten to mention his leaving the room on the fatal day just before i did. then i was struck by the amazing change in his appearance. he had always before been shabby-genteel, but now the chrysalis had become a butterfly. he wore a glossy new top-hat, a fur-lined coat, open to display a fashionably-cut suit beneath, and patent leather shoes. he smoked a big cigar, and twirled an elaborate cane. with a swagger that compelled attention, he suggested pool and ordered drinks round, and several being willing, a round game began.

then creeping up to my employer, who appeared as if hypnotised by this gorgeous vision, i whispered my suspicions. mr t.'s face lighted up, and presently he slipped out of the room, returning with the detective. there was no fuss; at the conclusion of the game the detective invited mr vivian outside, and in the result, the affair being fully brought home to him, he was sentenced to a long term of imprisonment. it appeared that when he left the billiard-room on the day in question, he had gone upstairs instead of down, the house being almost deserted, and entering the first room on the next landing which stood open, he had seen the landlady's jewellery lying on the dressing-table, had promptly swept it up, and departed; and he would doubtless have escaped scot-free on account of my stupidity in forgetting about his being there at the time, but for the madness which had prompted him to return and flaunt his fine feathers in his old haunts.

i was considerably petted by all, and the landlady gave me five shillings as well as many kisses. but, alas! only a short time afterwards the house changed hands, and my good friend mr t. being out of employment, i, too, was once more cast upon my own resources, but this time better off in respect of clothes than i had been for a long time.

i led an extraordinarily nomad life for the next few weeks, just keeping alive by doing any jobs that came along, but having my few clothes that i had accumulated beyond my immediate wearing safely stored with an old woman, who gave me a shelter when hard pressed, but whom i did not trouble much. and then another acquaintance got me a job on some new buildings that were being erected on the site of an old rookery of tumbledown dwellings, what is now clanricarde gardens, notting hill. it was an entirely new departure for me, but i was somewhat versatile, and easily acquired the necessary details to enable me to make a show at least at whatever i got a chance to do. my first duty was as time-keeper, and my orders were to allow five minutes' grace to laggards, of whatever class they might be. but here, alas! my conscientious desire to obey my instructions soon made me an object of detestation to everybody on the works except my employer. my book, which i kept with the most rigid justice, was questioned by every delinquent, and i was speedily given to understand that unless i turned a blind eye to the clock, and allowed late comers to pass in without making an entry against them in my book, my life would not only not be worth living, but it was darkly hinted that it would be a very short one.

then for the first time i learned how devoid of the most elementary principles of justice was the average british workman. turn a blind eye to his failings and sing loudly his praises, he will laud you to the[pg 37] skies, but only hint that he has his faults, and immediately you are his enemy, to be pursued with relentless ferocity. it was a bitter lesson, but i learned it thoroughly, and i can never forget the faces distorted by passion, and the cruel threats weighted by terrible oaths which were hurled against me on pay day, when "quarters" were stopped on my evidence, merely because i did what i was told.

i only held that position a fortnight, when, yielding to pressure, the boss removed me and made me an assistant to a moulder of ornaments in roman cement for the fronts of the houses. this was dirty work, but not very hard, and the moulder being an old soldier of the mutiny time, and garrulous in the extreme about his experiences, i was quite happy. my wages were about eight shillings a week, and the hours from six to six, with an hour and a half for meals, not at all severe. so, upon reflection, i am inclined to think that this was the happiest of all my boyish days ashore, always excluding of course the sheltered time i spent under my aunt's roof.

to my great sorrow this good time came to an end with the finishing of the houses, and i was again adrift. and now let me say in deepest gratitude, that through cold, hunger, wet, and sleeping out, i do not remember ever ailing anything. true, i was stunted in my growth owing to privation, but i was wiry, and except for the curse of bad teeth, i do not think i ever had an ache or pain except the transient ones of cold and hunger. but my great sorrow, continually haunting me, was the fact that i never was able to get permanent employment. no sooner did i seem to get settled and satisfied, than some catastrophe or other would come along and heave me out into unattached desolation again. i was like a homeless dog, ready to fawn upon any possible proprietor, and gladly give up my hated freedom for the certainty of continuous employment.

now i had heard many things about life at sea, for an uncle of mine, whom i had not seen for years, had commanded ships for a long time, and his remarks upon the sailor's life i had often drank in with greedy care. nothing that he ever said gave me the slightest desire to adopt his career, for from my earliest recollection i had an analytical mind, and i really had no desire to seek adventure at the cost of all that most people consider makes life worth living. i am afraid my bent was essentially bourgeois, strengthened and set as time wore on and experience came to me. i felt that i could understand, dimly perhaps but certainly, how boys who had never known a hardship, a want unsupplied, should be led away by the glamour of what they read, but how ever a boy who knew what the stress and struggle of life meant ashore could go to sea knowingly, to encounter conditions far worse, i did not understand.

and now, for me at least, the explanation came. it was continuity of employment. you might not like[pg 39] your job, or your employer might be entirely dissatisfied with you, but you were compelled to put up with each other until the passage was over, at anyrate. this made the prospect of sea-life tolerable to me. i was under absolutely no apprehensions as to romantic adventure, for i was certainly not the stuff of which adventurers are made. all my adventures had been forced upon me, and i was never so happy as when i was under somebody's command, if that somebody would only give me an encouraging word now and then.

so i determined to try and get to sea. but owing to my puny size i found it very difficult. i was told that the easiest way to begin was to hang about a certain public-house in thames street, whither coasting skippers used to resort for their crews. it was just opposite the custom-house steps, and was called the king's head (or arms). a certain individual, popularly known as sam, who was, i suppose, a species of crimp, was always in evidence and acted as go-between. to him came all sorts of rough coasting skippers, masters of barges, of "billy-boys," ketches and schooners, in quest of men and boys, and the latter looked to him as their earthly providence.

how he got paid i do not know, a certain commission from both sides was paid him, i expect. the candidates were allowed to haunt a grim den, a tap-room at the back of the public-house, where a good fire was always blazing, and though dark and gloomy in the extreme, it afforded a shelter from the bitter blasts which swept down that grimiest of london's business thoroughfares.

i am afraid that it is impossible for me to attempt any adequate description of the time i spent looking for a ship in this terrible place. i had to live, and did, but how i hardly know, for so small an urchin as i stood but little chance in the incessant struggle for employment that went on down there. but i had learned to live upon very little, and it is an incontrovertible fact that the stomach of a young human being that has never known pampering can assimilate food that should, theoretically, derange the digestion of an ostrich. for instance, fresh wharf, thames street, was the rendezvous of many steamers from spain, laden with dried fruits, nuts, oranges, etc. in the handling of cases, sacks, and other packages, there was a good deal of breakage, and i could often snatch a few handfuls of currants, nuts, raisins, etc. i always ate of them ravenously, in spite of their copious admixture of dust and dirt, but even after devouring a couple of pounds of currants i never remember feeling the slightest ill effects.

but when by some happy chance i managed to get hold of a few coppers, there was a cook shop opposite the main entrance to billingsgate market that never failed to attract me. their specialité was pea-soup, which was exposed most temptingly in a large tank in one of the windows. it was sold at twopence a[pg 41] basin; but the half basin for a penny, not being carefully measured, lacked very little of being full. moreover, to the initiate, there were degrees in the quality of this soup. it was freshly made on monday, and even then was good. on tuesday, however, the thick residue at the bottom of the tank remaining unsold was left, and the usual ingredients for a fresh mess were added to it, making it much richer and more substantial. on wednesday, this process was repeated, with the result that wednesday's soup was a thick pureé in which a spoon would stand erect, and he who could buy a penn'orth and eat it with a ha'penny hunk of bread, could go in the strength of that meal for twenty-four hours without any inconvenience. at least i can say for myself that i very often did, and my appetite in those days was terrible, abnormal. i really do not seem ever to have been fully satisfied.

one thing i have reason to be thankful for; my pilfering propensities had almost entirely disappeared, for with the exception of an occasional roll from a baker's shop, or some unconsidered trifle of cheese or the dried fruit aforesaid, i never took what was not mine, and when i did, it was only under the pressure of great hunger.

once i made a serious mistake which gave me a bitter pang, disappointment so keen that i feel the sting of it even now sometimes. i was ravenously hungry, and there seemed to be no possibility of getting anything to eat. so diving down into the shell-fish market beneath the main building of billingsgate, i watched my opportunity, and filled the breast of my shirt with whelks from a mighty tubful. my booty secured, i hastened back to the gloomy tap-room, there to devour my prize, but was immediately confronted with the difficulty of extracting the whelks from their shells.

i had often seen it done by the men who kept whelk stalls in the streets, and it looked ridiculously easy. but i could not do it, and i was fain at last to smash the shells, no easy task either. then clearing the mollusc from débris i tried to eat it, but it was quite impossible, it was tougher than gutta-percha, and i realised that my whelks were unboiled! these morsels require immense masticatory powers to deal with them at any time, but uncooked they would defy the jaws of a stone-crusher.

so time passed, oh so slowly, and although i made frequent appeals to sam, he always looked at me indulgently, and told me to wait a bit. and every day i saw men and boys being shipped, and practising the recognised ritual, by virtue of which they were permitted to use the public-house as a house of call. this consisted of receiving from the skipper engaging them a shilling for handsel money, which coin was always spent in two pots of beer and two screws of shag, which was shared by all the waiting ones. it was of no use to me, for i neither drank beer or smoked tobacco, but[pg 43] although i would have been glad to take my share in coin, if only a ha'penny, that was not to be thought of.

one adventure befell me about this time, which left a most vivid impression on me. among the fellows who hung about looking to sam for a ship would be occasionally a big boy warmly clad in coarse nautical clothing, and an indefinable air about him of being under some invisible supervision. one of these fellows became quite friendly with me, and at last in a burst of confidence informed me that he had been in prison for some minor offence, and that by the bounty of the authorities he had been clothed as i saw him, and every night a shilling was given to him for his maintenance while looking for a ship, which he was sure to get before long, because sam had special instructions on his behalf.

one night my new found friend informed me that he was going to sea the next day, and invited me to share his hospitality, with the special inducement that i should be introduced to his sweetheart. i accepted with grateful alacrity, and soon after dark i accompanied him to the purlieus of spitalfields to a rag-and-bottle shop kept by his inamorata's father. the shop was frowsty and mildewy as these places must be, and the old man might well have served dickens as a model for krook, but he was very affable, and his buxom slatternly daughter was obviously much in love with my companion. at any rate a feast of fried fish and potatoes and bread were spread for us, and although our surroundings savoured of the charnel-house, and the only light was from a tallow dip in a ginger-beer bottle, i fully enjoyed my meal, not that i got enough, but the razor edge was certainly taken off my hunger.

after we had eaten, the old man sent me out for a quartern of gin, which was diluted with hot water and sugar, and shared by the three—i had some drink from the tap. then the old merchant engaged my attention with some, to me, absolutely unintelligible conversation, while his daughter and her young man, seated upon a pile of mixed coloured (rags), made ostentatious love to each other. it was all very uninteresting to me, and i was growing weary of it, when at last jem, my friend, rose, and bidding his host and sweetheart good-night bade me follow him.

i went unquestioningly, he regaling me all the way with descriptions of the great career which lay before him when he should marry jemima, and succeed to the old man's business—which to him apparently contained the potentialities of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. but, oh the weary trudge! i was ready to drop where i stood, when he turned and went into a lodging-house in one of the slums of westminster, paying threepence each for us at a little office at the door. thence we passed into a large room with plain benches and tables, at which sat a large number of rough-looking men, none of whom however took any notice of us. there was an immense kitchen range at one side of this room, with a splendid fire blazing, and at the sides a number of kettles, frying-pans, and gridirons.

my companion then gave me sixpence and sent me out marketing. i bought a ha'porth of tea and sugar (mixed), a farthing's worth of milk, a penn'orth of butter, half a loaf (twopence), and two fine bloaters for three halfpence, returning with my load and three farthings change. we had a wash, made our tea, and thoroughly enjoyed an ample meal in comfort, after which, so sleepy was i, that i could hardly sit up, though i endeavoured to read an old newspaper. i had just whispered a query to jem as to whether i couldn't get to bed, when the door-keeper came in and beckoned me, retreating at the same time towards the door. i followed him, and when we reached his office he silently placed three pennies in my hand, then said, "get out o' this." i looked appealingly, questioningly at him, but his stern face and pointed finger did not invite delay, so i slunk out into the night and down to st james's park, where, climbing over the railings, i found a quiet spot in a shrubbery, and laid me down to sleep; a little shivery, but quite easy in my mind.