4 the president

half a mile back, shuckworth, shanks and showler werekeeping the television camera aimed all the time at the glasselevator. and across the world, millions and millions of peoplewere clustered around their tv screens, watching tensely thedrama being acted out two hundred and forty miles above theearth. in his study in the white house sat lancelot r.

gilligrass, president of the united states of america, the mostpowerful man on earth. in this moment of crisis, all his mostimportant advisers had been summoned urgently to hispresence, and there they all were now, following closely on thegiant television screen every move made by thisdangerous-looking glass capsule and its eight desperate-lookingastronauts. the entire cabinet was present. the chief of thearmy was there, together with four other generals. there wasthe chief of the navy and the chief of the air force and asword-swallower from afghanistan, who was the president's bestfriend. there was the president's chief financial adviser, whowas standing in the middle of the room trying to balance thebudget on top of his head, but it kept falling off. standingnearest of all to the president was the vice-president, a hugelady of eighty-nine with a whiskery chin. she had been thepresident's nurse when he was a baby and her name wasmiss tibbs. miss tibbs was the power behind the throne. shestood no nonsense from anyone. some people said she was asstrict with the president now as when he was a little boy. shewas the terror of the white house and even the head of thesecret service broke into a sweat when summoned to herpresence. only the president was allowed to call her nanny.

the president's famous cat, mrs taubsypuss, was also in theroom.

there was absolute silence now in the presidential study. alleyes were riveted on the tv screen as the small glass object,with its booster-rockets firing, slid smoothly up behind the giantspace hotel.

'they're going to link up!' shouted the president. 'they're goingon board our space hotel!'

'they're going to blow it up!' cried the chief of the army.

'let's blow them up first, crash bang wallop

bang-bang-bang-bang.' the chief of the army was wearing somany medal-ribbons they covered the entire front of his tunicon both sides and spread down on to his trousers as well.

'come on, mr p.,' he said. 'let's have some really super-duperexplosions!'

'silence, you silly boy!' said miss tibbs, and the chief of thearmy slunk into a corner.

'listen,' said the president. 'the point is this. who are they?

and where do they come from? where's my chief spy?'

'here, sir, mr president, sir!' said the chief spy.

he had a false moustache, a false beard, false eyelashes, falseteeth and a falsetto voice.

'knock-knock,' said the president.

'who's there?' said the chief spy.

'courteney.'

'courteney who?'

'courteney one yet?' said the president.

there was a brief silence. 'the president asked you a question,'

said miss tibbs in an icy voice. 'have you courteney one yet?'

'no, ma'am, not yet,' said the chief spy, beginning to twitch.

'well, here's your chance,' snarled miss tibbs.

'quite right,' said the president. 'tell me immediately who thosepeople are in that glass capsule!'

'ah-ha,' said the chief spy, twirling his false moustache. 'that isa very difficult question.' 'you mean you don't know?'

'i mean i do know, mr president. at least i think i know.

listen. we have just launched the finest hotel in the world.

right?'

'right!'

'and who is so madly jealous of this wonderful hotel of oursthat he wants to blow it up?'

'miss tibbs,' said the president.

'wrong,' said the chief spy. 'try again.'

'well,' said the president, thinking deeply. 'in that case, could itnot perhaps be some other hotel owner who is envious of ourlovely hotel?'

'brilliant!' cried the chief spy. 'go on, sir! you're getting warm!'

'it's mr savoy!' said the president.

'warmer and warmer, mr president!'

'mr ritz!'

'you're hot, sir! you're boiling hot! go on!'

'i've got it!' cried the president. 'it's mr hilton!'

'well done, sir!' said the chief spy.

'are you sure it's him?'

'not sure, but it's certainly a warm possibility, mr president.

after all, mr hilton's got hotels in just about every country inthe world but he hasn't got one in space. and we have. hemust be madder than a maggot!'

'by gum, we'll soon fix this!' snapped the president, grabbingone of the eleven telephones on his desk. 'hello!' he said intothe phone. 'hello hello hello! where's the operator?' he jiggledfuriously on the little thing you jiggle when you want theoperator. 'operator, where are you?'

'they won't answer you now,' said miss tibbs. 'they're allwatching television.'

'well, this one'll answer!' said the president, snatching up abright red telephone. this was the hot line direct to thepremier of soviet russia in moscow. it was always open andonly used in terrible emergencies. 'it's just as likely to be therussians as mr hilton,' the president went on. 'don't youagree, nanny?'

'it's bound to be the russians,' said miss tibbs.

'premier yugetoff speaking,' said the voice from moscow.

'what's on your mind, mr president?'

'knock-knock,' said the president.

'who's there?' said the soviet premier.

'warren.'

'warren who?'

'warren peace by leo tolstoy,' said the president. 'now seehere, yugetoff! you get those astronauts of yours off thatspace hotel of ours this instant! otherwise, i'm afraid we'regoing to have to show you just where you get off, yugetoff!'

'those astronauts are not russians, mr president.' 'he's lying,'

said miss tibbs. 'you're lying,' said the president.

'not lying, sir,' said premier yugetoff. 'have you looked closelyat those astronauts in the glass box? i myself cannot see themtoo clearly on my tv screen, but one of them, the little onewith the pointed beard and the top hat, has a distinctlychinese look about him. in fact, he reminds me very much ofmy friend the prime minister of china …'

'great garbage!' cried the president, slamming down the redphone and picking up a porcelain one. the porcelain phonewent direct to the head of the chinese republic in peking.

'hello hello hello!' said the president.

'wing's fish and vegetable store in shanghai,' said a smalldistant voice. 'mr wing speaking.'

'nanny!' cried the president, banging down the phone. 'ithought this was a direct line to the premier!'

'it is,' said miss tibbs. 'try again.'

the president picked up the receiver. 'hello!' he yelled.

'mr wong speaking,' said a voice at the other end.

'mister who?' screamed the president.

'mr wong, assistant stationmaster, chungking, and if you askingabout ten o'clock tlain, ten o'clock tlain no lunning today. boilerburst.'

the president threw the phone across the room at thepostmaster general. it hit him in the stomach. 'what's thematter with this thing?' shouted the president.

'it is very difficult to phone people in china, mr president,' saidthe postmaster general. 'the country's so full of wings andwongs, every time you wing you get the wong number.'

'you're not kidding,' said the president.

the postmaster general replaced the telephone on the desk.

'try it just once more, mr president, please,' he said. 'i'vetightened the screws underneath.'

the president again picked up the receiver.

'gleetings, honourable mr plesident,' said a soft faraway voice.

'here is assistant-plemier chu-on-dat speaking. how can i dofor you?'

'knock-knock,' said the president. 'who der?' 'ginger.' 'gingerwho?'

'ginger yourself much when you fell off the great wall ofchina?' said the president. 'okay, chu-on-dat. let me speak topremier how-yu-bin.'

'much regret plemier how-yu-bin not here just this second,mr plesident.'

'where is he?'

'he outside mending a puncture on his bicycle.'

'oh no he isn't,' said the president. 'you can't fool me, youcrafty old mandarin! at this very minute he's boarding ourmagnificent space hotel with seven other rascals to blow it up!'

'excuse pleese, mr plesident. you make big mistake …'

'no mistake!' barked the president. 'and if you don't call themoff right away i'm going to tell my chief of the army to blowthem all sky high! so chew on that, chu-on-dat!'

'hooray!' said the chief of the army. 'let's blow everyone up!

bang-bang! bang-bang!' 'silence!' barked miss tibbs.

'i've done it!' cried the chief financial adviser. 'look at me,everybody! i've balanced the budget!' and indeed he had. hestood proudly in the middle of the room with the enormous200 billion dollar budget balanced beautifully on the top of hisbald head. everyone clapped. then suddenly the voice ofastronaut shuckworth cut in urgently on the radio loudspeakerin the president's study. 'they've linked up and gone onboard!' shouted shuckworth. 'and they've taken in the bed … imean the bomb!'

the president sucked in his breath sharply. he also sucked ina big fly that happened to be passing at the time. he choked.

miss tibbs thumped him on the back. he swallowed the flyand felt better. but he was very angry. he seized pencil andpaper and began to draw a picture. as he drew, he keptmuttering, 'i won't have flies in my office! i won't put up withthem!' his advisers waited eagerly. they knew that the greatman was about to give the world yet another of his brilliantinventions. the last had been the gilligrass left-handedcorkscrew which had been hailed by left-handers across thenation as one of the greatest blessings of the century.

'there you are!' said the president, holding up the paper. 'thisis the gilligrass patent fly-trap!' they all crowded round tolook.

'the fly climbs up the ladder on the left,' said the president.

'he walks along the plank. he stops. he sniffs. he smellssomething good. he peers over the edge and sees thesugar-lump. "ah-ha!" he cries. "sugar!" he is just about toclimb down the string to reach it when he sees the basin ofwater below. "ho-ho!" he says. "it's a trap! they want me tofall in!" so he walks on, thinking what a clever fly he is. butas you see, i have left out one of the rungs in the ladder hegoes down by, so he falls and breaks his neck.'

'tremendous, mr president!' they all exclaimed. 'fantastic! astroke of genius!'

'i wish to order one hundred thousand for the armyimmediately,' said the chief of the army.

'thank you,' said the president, making a careful note of theorder.

'i repeat,' said the frantic voice of shuckworth over theloudspeaker. 'they've gone on board and taken the bomb withthem!'

'stay well clear of them, shuckworth,' ordered the president.

'there's no point in getting your boys blown up as well.'

and now, all over the world, the millions of watchers waitedmore tensely than ever in front of their television sets. thepicture on their screens, in vivid colour, showed the sinisterlittle glass box securely linked up to the underbelly of thegigantic space hotel. it looked like some tiny baby animalclinging to its mother. and when the camera zoomed closer, itwas clear for all to see that the glass box was completelyempty. all eight of the desperadoes had climbed into the spacehotel and they had taken their bomb with them.